June of 2011, 6 months after I found out about the dating sites, my first love who I dated when I was 16 to 18 years old got in contact with me, we met up and started an affair. After all I had been through with my husband and always feeling I was begging for sex with my husband, I just couldn’t believe here was someone who wanted me so much and our sex life was amazing. I carried on this affair for 10 months, but felt so guilty that I told my husband and walked out on our marriage. We had been together for 22 years. Now a year and a half later I am still seeing my first love, but he is a married man and I knew this when we first started this affair. I love him and have never stopped thinking about him in all the years we have been apart.

When I told my husband about the affair he made me go into the other room and tell our two boys what I had done. My husband has since tried to kill himself, making my 14 year old son feel responsible for him. My 14 year old didn’t come with me, he has stayed with his dad and I miss him terribly. I do have him with me 2-3 nights a week while his dad works. My 9 year old came with me, we are close, but not having my two boys together makes me sad.

After all this I still cannot stop seeing my first love, I have tried calling it off a few times, but it is so hard. Like others it is now convenient, we meet up once a week, have a wonderful sex life, and he goes back to his wife. I can get on with my career and training to become an accountant, look after my boys as best I can and enjoy the single life with my friends. I cannot bring myself to sleep with anyone else. I have only had sex with my first love and my husband, did try a one night stand a few months ago since I was single but it wasn’t for me.

At the moment I feel messed up as I don’t know if I will trust a man again and I hate myself for having an affair and splitting my family up. I have been for counselling and know that it isn’t all my fault, but that doesn’t stop me feeling like this. My kids do not know my side of the story and why I felt the need to have an affair, I will not mess them up any more, I love them.

My husband probably cheated on me and treated me like crap when we were married. I don’t recommend doing what I am doing. I think I am doing it because I don’t want to get hurt and fall for someone. I also can’t deal with a real relationship right now and just want to have fun and have sex. I think part of me likes knowing they are married and that I can’t have them.

Problem is I am very picky and don’t find many people that I like (which is why I am single to begin with) however, I think I fell for guy I slept with (he doesn’t know it).

So in the end it is just like dating, with all the hurt involved…ugh!!

2) A married man already has a wife at home, you know pretty much who is ‘cheating with’

3) A married man has had the experience of raising a family and caring for women and children

4) Most married men will be financially more stable then their single counterparts

5) Most married men will let you ‘eat your cake and have it too’…meaning as you and he are having your affair on the side, you are free to keep seeking eligible suitors on the side

6) Married men will be a lot more attentive! They will fit right into your schedules and will be convinient boyfriends

7) Will they dump you? Most likely they will, not because they want to stay with you but because your track record of not being able to sustain long term stable relationships will come through and the man will lose confidence

Ladies… ugh… this man made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. We started as friends and it evolved into emotion and then flirting and then … cybersex through IM. I fell hard and felt bad. I know the difference between right and wrong. I’ve ended it. ‘sides I know how these things end… badly for everyone concerned. I’m ashamed of what I did, but grateful that it was all online and nothing face to face (although that is where we were headed in like 2 or 3 months when he came back from Afghanistan)… but my question is… having almost no prior experience with married men… do they all talk that way? Do they make it seem so frikking real? Like they really do love you? Want you? Need you? The lies are so seductive. Flattering. Intoxicating. … but they are all lies aren’t they?

I mean… even if he divorced his wife and left his children… he’d still be a lying sack of feces wouldn’t he? The kind of man who would cheat on his wife and leave his children, right? His wife who is waiting for him to return. Praying for his safety and all the associated motions and emotions related to men at war with wives keeping candles burning.

Why did I end it? Not because I’m a good person.
I’m very selfish.
I want to be first.

I don’t want to have to settle for what he would be willing to give me or what her inattention would allow. Plus, I don’t deserve a liar. A low-life back-stabber, some ungrateful, self-centered horn-dog who feels entitled to have as many women as he can get… goes through women… as if we were disposable. I am not disposable… he doesn’t get to use me and then discard me as if I were trash.

If over 50% of us are getting married & then failing, or getting married & cheating, are we really all that evil?
If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that humans fail. Not one of us has ever lived a lifetime without failure, for most of us it’s not even a day or week. So that behind us, I don’t think we should look at these situations as right & wrong/success & fail, but rather complex opportunities for individual growth, chances to learn & make choices the best we know how, to follow our hearts, to do the best we can for our children, to guard our emotions, to live unselfishly, to be role models to our youth, & the list goes on.

Instead of trying to achieve the clearly impossible & then feeling condemned & hating ourselves & others for our imperfections, wouldn’t it be better to show our children that, “Hey, no one is perfect, mom & dad certainly aren’t, but we’re here for you. We love you & we’re going to do our best to be the best parents for you in every possible way. Is there something we’re doing that’s hurting you? How can we make it better? Is this making you uncomfortable, let’s talk about it! Let’s see how to make it easier for you!”

I don’t think anyone can judge a single mother or father or even have a qualified opinion on, or understanding of, till they have been one. Judge not, that you be not judged…that is the biggest lesson life has been pounding at me. But it’s human nature to judge. We do it all the time.

I am not yet 30 but life has allowed me an awful lot of experiences. I have been on all ends of this equation & I have to say if nothing else it has given me a deeper understanding for people, matters of the heart & the pains & emotional things that people go through & suffer.

I was the child who had a rocky family. My dad had affairs & married someone who never really liked or accepted me. But you know what? It’s not the end of the world. Sure, it has hurt a lot & been damaging to have the only person you have called mother since you were knee high constantly condemn you & never believe in you as a mother should, but hey, now I know what I want to be for my child or if I ever am a stepmother.
Been in a marriage 10 years & know what it’s like to be married to someone by “accident”, or to feel trapped in a relationship, to have the pressures of society & looking perfect on the outside while all the while bleeding on the inside, feeling the condemnation for failing & having an imperfect marriage, feeling the guilt for fighting & arguing in front of your children & feeling like the worst parent for letting your own drama cause them insecurities, failing, failing, failing.

Been the good little housewife who loved completely, or thought I did anyways, never looked at anyone else, completely loyal & heavily pregnant while the husband was off having fun with someone else. Got through that & kept going for the sake of our family.

Been the evil wife who ran off with the hot but useless lover because I was swept away by the fact that for the first time in my life I could be with someone who enjoyed being with me & have fun with them & they weren’t mad at me or fighting with me. The “escape from reality”.

Been with the married men WHILE married, sometimes as an agreement with other wives approaching me that they wanted to try something different out only for physical interest. Sometimes with couples swapping husbands & wives with me & my husband, other times just because the husband wanted me & I was happy to have some sex in my sexless young life. Sometimes behind the wives back even though I didn’t know it at the time because the husbands claimed it was okay.
Been married when everything was hunky dory & there was lots of good sex, maybe the best I’ve ever had. Been in that same marriage where there was no sex for years even though we slept in the same bed.
Guess what? Have even been a single mom & dated single men, quite a few of them. Also been a single mom & dated married men. As a current example:

This married guy got married when he was young, just like I had. Married for 10 years to a woman who was a bit older than he, & just a really good wife. Probably the ultimate perfect mother too, even though I have never met her. The way her husband talks about her I think she’s a saint. He’s a bastard & he’s really lucky to have her. But isn’t that just the way the majority of men are? They think with their dicks.  This couple have children together & will probably spend forever together, or at least till their children are grown. He doesn’t want to get divorced, doesn’t want to live anywhere else, be with anyone else or anything. He needs his wife to take care of him, & more than anything, they both want to be with their children, they love & respect each other in their own way.
“If I get divorced or tell my wife I am cheating, I will lose my children. I can’t get divorced.” However, guys have needs, & if you ask any guy, most will agree that sex is one of them. He however is no longer attracted to his wife & feels he needs some fun. He is always there for his children & his wife, is always home on the weekends & in the evenings. He fits in occasional affairs during work hours, sometimes on work trips or overnights but they are very few & far between. If his relationship or his wife were at risk, he would for sure give it up or at least lessen the priority. Why would I as a single mom prefer him over a single guy? Simple.

My son has a father, he doesn’t need another one. That would be destabilizing for him. Because we are adults & not children we have decided that in our sons best interest we would put aside our differences & disagreements & just be there for our child & be the best parents we can possibly be. They say the best gift you can give your child is to love & respect their mother. I agree. My ex is respectful of me & I believe we do “love” & care for each other & support this through our words & actions.

I don’t know where people find these “no string attached” boys who just want to have sex but I have lived on almost every continent in the world & haven’t found one that didn’t have an overwhelming amount of drama attached. They have all either fallen in love with me, (& I am of course just an average girl), that I then had the pressure of how to take care of their precious hearts & let them off gently to cause them the least possible hurt while looking out for my own needs for survival & a drama free life OR they have been so narcissistic & abusive that they couldn’t just have sex without wondering why I wasn’t falling in love with them so they had to put me down with their mentally & emotionally damaging words, behavior & sometimes outright abuse.

What do I have in common with Mr. Married Dude? We both love our families. Like it or not, I think I have a family. I’m a mom & I have a son. We are a family & every day I work live & breathe so that my son will know I am there for him. I live for him, would die for him, & yes I would gladly give up any relationship I have ever had & ever will have if in my heart of hearts I know that I am hurting him. I would give up anything. That is how much I love him & that’s what I believe being a mother is. A mother’s love has no limits, it’s pure & unselfish. This is what I want my son to learn & emulate in his own life. I don’t want him to think mom was a saint, she was perfect. Stupid. What kind of impossible dumb example would that be? I want him to one day be able to say, “Mum made mistakes, she did silly things BUT she loved me, she was there for me. I could tell her anything & I trusted her”.

There’s no way to know if a relationship is going to work or not, till you try it. But I don’t want to bring new men into my son’s life all the time. I feel that would make him insecure & instable. Yes, children are sensitive & he would feel my emotional turmoil. I’m totally closed to finding someone, but I have kinda resigned myself to the fact that while he is young, my personal life & desires at least for sex & relationships are on the back burner so to speak & while they would be nice to have they are a luxury that I don’t have a whole lot of time & energy for while I am busy trying to provide the best for my son. No one else supports me financially, I have no benefits. But I work hard & we have everything we need & even things we want & do loads of fun things.

With the guy I’m dating he isn’t going to meet my child & my child won’t know that I’m seeing him BUT if & when the day comes that he does find out, well, because we are open about things, I’m going to use my mother intuition & talk to him & find out how it’s affecting him & what he thinks about it & I’ll be there for him. That’s my idea of parenting, not being perfect but being there to hold your child’s hand through life & it’s difficulties.
Do I feel bad for the married man’s wife? Do I feel guilty at times? Sure I do. I often tell him that he should let his wife out so she can have some fun too. But apparently she’s not that type. She’s in love with him. She wants to stay at home & be a good wife & he’s with her all the time anyways, what else could she want? He provides for her financially, emotionally, & in every other way besides sexually supposedly. Do I believe anything a cheating married man tells me? Of course not, but I tell him I know he’s not to be trusted & he agrees. But we enjoy the short times we have together anyways. We have so much fun together. The rest of our lives are just work, we work hard & responsibly in everything else, a few relaxing times together if kept in balance which we strive to do actually help us excel & feel less frustrated & uptight in everything else we do!

In my twisted opinion, if the wife someday does find out, which inevitable always happens, I’d like to apologize for the hurt I’ve caused her but also point out that while her husband has cheated on her many times before & probably will go on cheating with or without me, the advantage of it being me was that I respected him & her in the sense of their family & their time. I didn’t disturb them, didn’t demand more from him. I supported myself, struggled alone. Sure it would be nice to have the guy I am doing help out with some of the millions of things that I nearly die doing every day on my own, but hey, where all those happy helper single dudes who are oh so nice? I’m constantly looking out for them, happy to meet them & yes happy to consider dating them. Fact is they are out there, but few & far between. Some lucky girls single or not do find them. Someday maybe I’ll find my prince. Can’t say for sure & I’m not holding out for it but I am for those who do find them & I respect the opinion of those who truly believe in true love & admire & envy those who have less complicated lives than my own.

My life has never been easy, have lost loved ones & been through many major heartbreaks besides loosing a child. That is something I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for & of course I hope it never happens. But I’ve taken everything life has thrown at me & done my best to make it into something beautiful & have fun while I’m at it, instead of crying & feeling sorry for myself.

I’m not going to cry or whine about my life & all the misfortunes I have had. Nor am I going to selfishly blame everyone else for my troubles. The day you take responsibility for your own life & actions is the day your life really begins. I believe that. I know nothing lasts forever & even though sex is emotional for me & we are growing closer by the day, I know the day will come when it will better to end it. Most likely it’s going to be found out & then I’m the one who is going to be left alone & face the heartbreak alone. But why all the drama? It is when your heart stops hurting that you die. I’ll deal with the heartbreak when the time comes & I’ll believe in myself & that I can love again no matter how hard it is. I’ll move forward. And no, these aren’t mistakes & it isn’t the end of the world. This is LIFE!!!

All of it, all of these things we go through equal LIFE!!! This is what it’s all about, this is where we are. We are here to learn, to live & to love & to be loved. Love comes in many different forms with many different people over our lifetimes. It is rare that you meet one person as a teenager & live happily ever after with them. Sure it happens for some people, but not many that I know.

So instead of beating ourselves up & debating what’s right & whose right, let’s love! The world is dying of loneliness & a lack of love. Let’s reach out to those around us with our understanding & with our love. This is not a perfect story, this is a story to say that I understand you whoever you are & if I don’t, I’ll do my best to. We are in this life together.