Comments on: Pregnant and the father is married. Help!

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 21:44:31 +0000

A: We’re curious and concerned, too. If either of you care to share, we’re here to listen. Feel free to post a comment anonymously.

By: A

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 18:25:31 +0000

I am curious to know how things have turned out for the original poster. Did she have to baby and what is the situation with the baby’s father now?

The same questions for Kimberly Richmond. How did your situation turn out?

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:30:19 +0000

Kimberly Richmond: So sorry! It’s obvious what a difficult and painful situation this is for you. Please use our loving Singlemommyhood community as your soft place to land. And please take good care of you. Something just tells me you’re going to be a terrific mom. Please stay in touch with us.

By: Kimberly Richmond

Kimberly Richmond — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 01:01:27 +0000

I just recently got rejected by my daughters father. He left his wife and I got pregnant within weeks of his initial separation. He told her I was pregnant and she moved completely out of the house and he told me we would be together. 5 months later he tells me she wants him back and he is going, said he hasn’t felt the same since she moved out (since I got pregnant really). It’s incredibly hard, especially knowing that they were reconciling the whole time I thought he wanted me. My heart is completely broken and I am dreading so much. I know he will not want anything to do with the my daughter especially since his wife hates me with a passion. In my case I gave him the option to terminate the pregnancy, I told him I would if he wanted to go back but he assured me he never would. I know now I was used and in truth unless that man files for divorce, he never is going to. All these men know how to do is lie and we are naive enough to believe it. I am keeping my daughter and decided I am going to pretend he doesn’t exist (even though his sister is my best friend and his family loves me), it’s the only way I can heal.

By: Confused

Confused — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 00:56:28 +0000

I am in your shoes…I am the other woman and I am pregnant…I am so confused! He did leave his wife and has been living with me for 8 months…but there is no mention of divorce at all…I tolh him I was pregnant and his response was that he barely had time for the child he already has…I don’t know what to do? I am in my thirties and so ready to be a mom at the same time is this fair to the child? I know I made some bad decision but even worst is the fact that we work together and almost no one at work knows about our relationship…sure enough if I show up pregnant everyone will want to know who the father is but I am so ashamed I wouldn’t want to tell them. Part of me think who cares what everyone thinks but these are people I will have to see every day. I financially do not need him so I could take care of the baby all by myself but is that fair to the child…I jsut have so many questions and I don’t know who to talk to…

By: April

April — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 23:02:08 +0000

Glad to hear you’re feeling more confident about your decision. As others have said, right now just keep your focus on you and your child, and it’ll be ok.
As you step into this journey called singlemommyhood, always remember that you are not alone. Being single and independent does NOT mean you can’t ask for help when you need it. You will need a strong support system and there are many of us who have “been there, done that” (whatever it may be) and are happy to be there for you.
April´s last blog ..Female2Female: Random Meme

By: Natasha

Natasha — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:18:17 +0000

I typically don’t admit this, but I’m in the same boat.

As an earlier poster stated, how I became a single mom is my own business. Only close friends know.

My son’s father and I had an intense affair. I moved half way across the country to make a clean break. While the distance ended our sexual relationship, it didn’t end our emotional relationship. (This is an important point.) A family emergency sent me back to my hometown and that’s when my son was conceived. I was in need of comfort and support; he was more than willing to be there for me.

So here I am, with an adorable 4 month old little boy. His father has never seen him up close (he’s seen us from a distance). No one in his family knows about my son. This is one of the most difficult situations I can think of. On the one hand, I’m happy he’s not involved. I don’t have to deal with awkward custody exchanges or as beenclose mentioned a not-too-happy step-parent. On the other hand, I know he’s being a coward. I hate that he’s depriving my son of family – a grandmother and aunts (I’m an only child and my parents are both deceased)! I had to threaten court proceedings but now he pays child support.

Please know that you’ll change your mind constantly over the next few months. Your hormones are not your ally in this situation. And if your baby’s father is anything like mine, he’ll use your hormones against you.

My best advice is to find someone in your life who’ll be honest with you and help you make the difficult decisions. I’m lucky; my bff was in a similar situation as the wife, so she’s been able to play devil’s advocate.

I promise you this, once you hold your baby, everything will look different.

Good luck!!!
Natasha´s last blog ..Thoughtful Thursday

By: beenclose

beenclose — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 19:15:48 +0000

All fair enough ks, I assumed that there was extreme behavior and/or addiction in your case because it is very extreme for a judge to grant only supervised visitation.
My point was only that the op should not go into this thinking that she is going to retain control over the situation. Unless he has the extreme behavior/history of your child’s father she probably will not. Nor, would it necessarily be “pushing around” if the father decides that he wants joint custody of this child. Just because he wants an abortion now, it does not mean that, after telling his wife and being confronted with the reality of the child he might not want a complete relationship with his kid. On the other hand, he might try to use the child to punish and control her, but absent real potential/threat for harm, that is not enough to lead to a result like the one in your case.

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:18:33 +0000

@ks, thank you for chiming in again and sharing honestly with us about what happened. Please stay in touch. We’d like to hear how you’re doing.

By: ks

ks — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 02:59:04 +0000

beenclose

yes, there is sooo much more to the story. of course there is. i can hardly describe the last 10 years of my life in a couple of paragraphs. My point is simply that a liar is a liar. Cheating on his wife for 4 years with me and 4 other women prior to me, was only the tip of the iceberg. He was also a closet alcoholic and drug user. His wife threatened me when she found out I was pregnant and I had witnesses. They have had “domestic” situations in their home (initiated by her) that have involved the police. He took me to court and throughout the process, his true nature showed through. So, the judge was not fooled and awarded me sole custody.

I fully admit my fault in my situation. I made my own decisions based on the information I had (which were lies). I trusted where I shouldn’t have. I have learned my lesson and will not behave the same way again. I have forgiven myself for my mistakes. What kind of mom would I be if I was carrying around all that blame. So no, I am not lying or rationalizing, I am protecting myself and my child from his father and his family.

Perhaps I should have been clearer in my first comment. It is possible to clearly define the situation – it is called a court order or at least a written agreement. I didn’t say that she would be defining it on her own. But everyone involved needs rules to live by and to stick to them. I am advising that she not let herself be pushed around by this man.