Its nothing more than a seven day childrens free shopping spree. How could they not be excited??? I respect their biological father. Never speak a disparaging word about him And do my very best to let them share the excitement with me without letting the hurt and resentment show through. I love them more than words can describe. And I understand he has his rights. But its not 50/50 or 70/30 or even 90/10. It 99.8/02. And the .02% becomes 99.8% of thier attention one month before the trip and one month after with biological father.

So, if you are a consistent father in a blended family or father who only has partial custody unless you step up and invole yourself consistantly. You will be nothing more than shooting down the chimney once a year. They will not forget. The novelity will eventually wear off. And those with full custody need do it the way I have learned. Respect it and and least pretend to share your excitment with them. In the end as long as their needs are being met at home they will understand. Nothing to be bitter or resentful about. It hurts. And we have to just be mature enough to deal with the hurt.

I have encouraged our daughter’s bond with her dad because I know the importance of a strong father figure to a girl’s self esteem. And on the outside he is Superdad. His flex schedule allows him to practically live at her school and he high fives all the kids in her class when he goes for lunch or to pick up or drop off. I am a teacher at another school so am unable to spend every day hanging around, although I often chaperone field trips and volunteer at her school.

Aside from the obvious irritation of having other parents say “Oh, you must be Sally’s mom! We always see her dad here but we’ve never met her mom!”, there is this pattern of ‘forgetting’ to forward me important memos or forms from school, often with dates I may have been able to attend had I known in time to get a sub. And then there is the more typical issue of not following through on rules and disciplinary restrictions and buying her everything she wants, especially things I have deemed inappropriate or excessive like cell phones, ipods, etc. She is only 10!

And now the latest pattern: in which he asks what I think about letting her skip school, practice, rehearsal, etc. He knows my answer will be that she should be taught to honor commitments and that skipping is not okay. Then he can tell our 10 year old that mom said no, with the implication being that HE, the cool parent, would have let her. Never mind that often the skipping idea is dad’s so that they can go do something “fun”. Seldom is it our daughter’s idea. But nonetheless, I have been set up.

I have tried to talk to my ex about this and tell him that I need him to do more parenting and less BFFing for Sally’s sake. He gets offended and tells me how many people comment to him how great it is he spends so much time with her and that if I was that concerned with her emotional health I’d be glad he is so involved. But I know full well I’m being manipulated and made out to be the lesser, bad cop parent.

I am at the point where if I hear once more how wonderful he is (from Sally, her friends, other moms, teachers, etc) I think my head will explode from trying not to scream out what he is really like!

But for the sake of my daughter, I just allow him to make me look bad and continue biting my tongue. And I cry myself to sleep most nights. I worry that he has caused a rift in my bond with Sally that is too deep to repair. Which was his goal.

Besides being extremely extravagant like trips, toys etc and $100.00 an hour lessons, any toy you can imagine a very large bank account in our sons name etc. by the way none of the stuff he gets “over there” ever is allowed to come home with him. I have to be careful about the clothes i send with him, bacase he comes home in “last years” clothes from there that are too small. I shop at the thrift store for his. He not only takes him about 3 or 4 different expensive “fun” things per day, he refuses to supervise him. Left him in swimming pools by himself, let him go off in a very large park by himself more than once He got lost and fortunately a nice couple helped him find his dad, this is all while he sits at the pavillion. Left a gun on my sons shelf and let him pick it up so he could “look” at it. Left him at the skating rink while he goes to the store. There are other things as well, all of these before the age of nine. When addressed with these things he will say “ok” but I have found out in the past he continues to do this sort of thing. Lies to him about ridiculous stuff and he also has moved and my son is the one who says hey mom daddy and granny are moving!Did not notify me is willing to give me the address after I find out. He apparently does not say bad things about me, only his actions.

Now he wants to take me to court for right of 1st refusal! which means I would have to call him before I want to go anywhere if I want to leave him at grandmas for a little while on the weekends he is at home! He also coerces him into spending more and more time with “dad”. saying things to him like “why cant you come with me?” the problem with that is he is inconsistent about when he brings him back or has him call me and ask to spend the night!

I have in the past “worked with him” and made sure he had more than the very liberal visitation as outlined in the divorce papers. Again about my son not him or me. But I am about at the end of my rope and am thinking about taking him back to court before he takes me. but I dont want to hurt my son. HELP!

I was afraid my son would love his dad more than me, would resent my structure and rules, would over time pity me or feel embarrassed. My heart nearly burst when he started calling his new stepmother “mom”, and I would rage inside while he raged outside – either in anticipation of a visit he didn’t want to have with dad, or recovering from one. My frustration escalated during his teen years when he emulated some things I really don’t like of his father, and he ultimately chose to live with his dad. I had to wait out about twenty years before I (and he) saw how it all came together.

Many years ago, a dear friend gave me some advice: “How arrogant would it be to think that your way is the only way to parent? Allow your son the dignity and respect to be able to ‘handle’ different styles from different people – his life will be enriched by it.”

Now, I see some of the things my son struggles with because of how his father treated him. Do I get angry about it and think it would have been better if he had ‘only’ had me as a mom? Sure. But to put it in perspective, I realize that my other son who has never met his father has some pretty intense issue too – some of them springing from having me as a mom!

In the moment, this whole dual parenting thing seems to take a strangle-hold on hearts and emotions, especially for those parents who take their parenting role super-seriously. “This too shall pass” is something I try to live by.

I remember when my son was in turmoil after he chose to live with his father, and kept sneaking away to my house (we lived in the same town). It was a rather dramatic nightmare for awhile and I thought it would never get better. Two years later, his dad called me to say he had come to the conclusion that it was selfish of him to restrict how much time our son could spend with me. That phone call changed my perspective alot, and helped me realize that although my ex will never share all of my ideals and priorities and perspectives, he has his own, and what is unique about him are some of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place (a whole ‘nuther can of worms!). That said, those are also the things that, showing up in my son’s personality and character, are part of the things that help to make my son the incredible person he is today.

Sending hugs, courage, and comfort to all single parents out there struggling with this issue!
RJ´s last blog ..Frantic Flashcards- when the balance is out of whack

The following days upon her return from disneyland its like living with a possessed version of my daughter. She wants to continue living in her own filth, will this end? Will she grow out of it (5years old)? I mean if he chooses to be a disneyland dad thats fine, but is it too much to ask to give a bath/shower and brush her teeth? I know when she gets older she will see him for what he is and that will be disappointing for her but can she at least learn to be clean while disappointed in the future?

By the way Fred Campos: I love your comment:
“Non-custodial parents, stop this too! You may get the satisfaction of a vacation weekend, but good parent teaches their kids how to live and function in the real world not just in the Mickey Mouse Club.”

I will keep this in my mind and back pocket for those frustrating days in the future. It couldn’t be further from the truth.