Comments on: What if your kids don’t like him?

By: Rob

Rob — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 18:28:33 +0000

Im dating a really great woman that adore alot and im sure she feels the same but she has 2 kids who really dont like me much, and have never given me a chance. I dont want this to become a problem and im not use to not not being liked, especially by kids. Im not really sure what to do really except be patient and hopefully they come around. Any suggestions?

By: MaryIleen

MaryIleen — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 16:57:18 +0000

Women’s intuition should kick in. When my daughter met my boyfried she didn’t like him. That wasn’t the problem. I could “feel” that he didn’t like her very much either. Whether he couldn’t relate to kids or he felt defensive, hurt or impatient didn’t matter to me. I ended that relationship. It’s important to remember that we’re the grown ups. We make the decisions in our lives and our children’s lives. They are our priority. If a potential mate cannot be a “grown up” with you, then keep him away. You already have kids to raise.

By: Travis

Travis — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 15:56:23 +0000

It doesn’t sound like they hate him, but the idea of him. You definitely want to make sure the introductions are in a neutral zone. So they can start to see his unique characteristics. It’s all about time and place.
Travis´s last blog ..I Woke Up This Morning… But, I Couldn’t Get Out Of Bed

By: Swati Bharteey

Swati Bharteey — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 04:04:03 +0000

Hi-
I think I would back off on the mixed events for a few weeks and then maybe try some things that are not so intense as a dinner at your house. My daughter and I met my boyfriend at the zoo one sunny afternoon – it was the 1st time she met him (she was 7). There was lots of activity around us and it wasn’t like “he” was in “our” territory. It wasn’t threatening and we made certain to end it in 2 hours or less.

As we dated more and she saw that he was sticking around, I did get push back from her and I’ve always welcomed her to be open with me. It’s SO tough though (see my post “When Your Kids Question Who You Date at http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com/2009/12/02/when-kids-question-who-you-date/ ). But keep talking to them so you can understand if there’s anything legitimate there.

I have to say the crucial point for me is this: does the person I am dating fit in/try to fit/care about how my daughter feels? If not, I wouldn’t stay in the relationship. I’m very committed to good, loving parenting and I know I need someone who understands that. I feel so fortunate to be dating a man who cares enough about me and my daughter to really try to build a relationship with her. Have you shared your kids feelings with this man? What was his reaction?

AS a side note, my boyfriend’s daughters are 15 and 21 – and it’s taking a much longer time for them to accept me! It’s very sensitive to share “dad” – but I’m equally committed to keep at it and I think we are making progress. It’s often a test of patience – and it’s important for my boyfriend and I to communicate A LOT. But it’s working.

My best to you!
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage written by married couple, Drs. Lawrence Birnbach and Beverly Hyman (Book Review)

By: Cat

Cat — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 21:42:00 +0000

I honestly have no idea. My brother, sister, and I never liked my dad’s girlfriends (we were teenagers)- but primarily because we knew that once they started dating, they would be married in 3 months and divorced again a year after that. There was no point in making an effort to befriend someone who would be gone soon.

But at these kids age… I guess it depends on their history, their relationship with their dad, how long it’s been since the divorce, all kinds of factors. I don’t think she should stop seeing him. Maybe drop him into conversation more frequently, do as Andrea said and get them all at the park or something, but above all give it time to sink in. It’s likely that they’re reacting to the change in the status quo he represents, not him. Keep it separate a bit longer. Give them time to get used to the idea. Just because you’ve been seeing him for a while doesn’t mean they’ve been pondering the idea and growing to accept it. This is new for them.

If there’s anything I could go back in time and beat into my dad’s head, this would be it.
Cat´s last blog ..Online Dating

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:52:50 +0000

@Andrea: That’s a great idea re: doing something more kid-centered and low-key when/if you decide to introduce your kids to the new person in your life.

A sit down dinner might be TOO much pressure for everyone. Thanks!

By: Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad

Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:34:21 +0000

So been there as a kid and an adult! Let me start by saying when I was 8 and 10 I threw a fit when my parents (who divorced when I was six) remarried later on. Looking back on it, I think it was very silly. The issue going through my mind was… “This separation is really over, my real mom and real dad are REALLY not getting back together. Therefore I will hate anybody who tries to replace them.” It wasn’t personal for me, I was just scared of change.

Thank God my parents were not kid centric and didn’t consider my feelings!

My step-parents turned out to be EXCELLENT people in my life and still are today.

As single parents are kids become our world and it is easy to get caught in a kid centric trap.

My kids are wonderful, but I don’t solicit deep long term retirement investment decisions from them even though it will affect them financially years from now. “Caitlyn you’re 10, what do you think, should we stay with the Janus Fund or go with the Orion Fund during this economy? Should I make this career move or that one?” There are reasons we don’t let kids vote until their 18, drive until their 16. They don’t have enough life experience and objectivity to make those decisions. Your remarrying decision should certainly be in that category.

Consult your very close adult friends, see what your “brain trust” circle says–but leave your kids out of it.

Remember long term… kids leave, spouses stay.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Be the Better Parent – My Story!

By: cubanitabean

cubanitabean — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:25:19 +0000

I agree with “balance”.
I also think that it has something to do with the circumstances surrounding a relationship.. I have been divorced 2 years, but the X has been gone for 4. He has been with the same person since before he left. My kids do not like her, don’t want her to be part of anything, and the X sort of just pushes her down their throats and does not respect what they have to say.

I have told my children upfront… Mommy is now single and ready to date.. It all comes after the fact.. I think they will be more comfortable.

I don’t think I will wait until I am in LOVE to introduce the kids to the person I am dating.. I think it has to be before that.. I think the person I am dating needs to see me in a setting where I am a mother.. He needs to see me interact with my children.

It has to be honest…. Does this mean they will meet a buch of different men? no.. I don’t forsee me being the dating guru of 2010.. But they will meet a person before it gets heavy…

I think it is ok for the kids to know that I can have male friends the same as female friends..

No sleep overs or anything like that.. All very respectful.

If after everything has been laid on the table and my kids feel that the relationship is something that is bringing them more pain than joy.. Then I would have to re evaluate that relationship…

By: Lyn O'Brien

Lyn O'Brien — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:03:23 +0000

I don’t disagree with Mom in Apt 10B when it comes to having someone move in with you and the kids – the decision must be carefully weighed with all included.
However, consider this. My aunt reacted strongly when her widowed mom wanted to marry again (she was 11). Though the other kids liked the guy, she put up such resistance that her mother changed her mind. Don’t know what my grandmother would say if she were alive, but I do know that my aunt regretted breaking up that relationship as soon she became an adult. He went on to marry someone else in the parish and was a great husband, and a good father to his new adopted children. Her mother remained a sweet but quiet widow for the rest of her life.

By: SDMktg

SDMktg — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 18:03:03 +0000

This is a tough one. I think initially most kids will be a bit standoffish to someone new although little kids are a bit more accepting. Definitely a neutral, quick introduction like lunch or a park is better than bringing them into your home for the first meeting. Then you have territory issues. I think a lot of people expect too much from their kids when they first introduce them. By the time you’ve made that decision you’ve probably spent countless hours, days, weeks, even months getting to know this person and have made up your mind about them then your kid(s) are expected to warm up to them instantly and that’s just not how life works. It takes time to build trust and respect and they are typically already on guard.

I agree that children shouldn’t run their parents’ lives but as Mom in Apt 10b says you have to have balance. My son recently told his mom he’d be upset if she brought someone to a party because he wanted to spend time with her and she brought a guy anyway. Then called me upset that our son freaked out when she did. There’s more to it but they had a bad experience with the last guy and now he gets upset if he even hears about her seeing guys, which is the flip side. They feel like she pays less attention to them when she’s dating. There has to be balance and feelings need to be considered on all sides. I think taking it slow helps with that. I’ve said it before but both of my parents married people I’d met maybe 3 times before the ceremonies. In one case it worked out and in the other there were a lot of hard feelings over the years. Timing is important.