My girlfriend had her daughter roughly around the same time as you. She is 35 now with an 11 year old. We dated for only around 4 months before I was introduced to her. Having read up on many sites about the ‘timing’ of this introduction, it did seem like we moved along faster than usual but like I mentioned above, we really found so few things that would give either of us pause.

Even in the case of her daughter, at first for me it was terrifying. The idea that no matter how much I could fall in love with her mother, if I didn’t have any connection with the daughter it would be like finding out the half price Ferrari had no engine. But all of us are amazed and grateful that her daughter and I hit it off so well. Its such a gift honestly. We have the same sense of humor, the same tactical argumentative style, she’s an artist and loves that I’m in a very creative field, and the list goes on.

When I read about the many sad stories about couples who got together and found nothing but aggravation and resistance from the children, it really felt like the odds were stacked against us. But here we are and things are good.

I’ve actually spoken with my girlfriend about this site and this ‘dynamic’ and while I wasn’t absolutely clear about whether she fitted in this category of “pulling back”, I just wanted to be sure. So I asked her to give this long list of submissions a read through. I mean the last thing I wanted to do was open up Pandora’s box and plant some thoughts and fears in her that might not have been there to begin with, but at the same time, if there was potential of mysterious feelings of hesitance that could develop in her, I wanted her to understand them now.

So considering my above submission and my request for ‘the other side’ of things on this front, while we are still only 9 months into this, we are on page. She feels no hesitance, (just the occasional overwhelmed feelings from time issues of her life), and I think we have a very good chance to succeed. This is really just the classic case of the single guy dating the single mother and feeling the reality slap of not being number one in my girls life. And I don’t say that with resentment. I embrace the new wisdom. Having never lived for anyone but myself, I could stand the occasional slap on that front.

THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO START BENNY HILL’ING ME ON A REGULAR BASIS.

… baby steps… ha

I had my child at 24 and am now 37 and have gained some interesting perspective on dating and relationships over the years. A few things strike me from reading this string: men by their evolutionary nature are hunters (and I really mean this in the best way possible). Women are by their nature, nuturers.

A single mother caring for a young child, in particular, represents an interesting challenge to the uninitiated, childless guy, as fairly immediately his most visceral needs can be met. The single mom also gives a guy a pretty good glimpse into what kind of mom she might be if he were to choose her one day.

This single mom, on the other hand, walks on a tightrope: she’s balancing the kid, dating/relationship, job, -ex, etc. etc. with varying degrees of success and predictability and also trying to remember and/or figure out who the heck she is as an individual in the midst of all of this.

As an aside, from a sheer age perspective, I also believe women radically evolve in their thinking, independence, mindset, sexuality more from ages 25-35 than men do and a child certainly stands to greatly enhance that curve/divide. No matter what the past relationship that led to the birth of the child or children, you can pretty well guarantee, that the woman is grappling with who she is without the identity of partner as part of her paradigm shift.

When my son was very small, I ran from a couple very, very nice guys because (in retrospect) I was still trying to figure out how to balance everything I mention above. It was relatively easy to date the guy not interested in your kid, as you could put them in a certain spot and deal with them in the context of your life accordingly. That’s safe. It was the nice guys, those with potential that were harder to deal with…because they brought up all my issues and really (eventually) made me confront who I am as a woman. That’s scary!

Unfortunately, this is not wisdom that was immediately available to me: I sadly exhibited some of the same behaviors these amazingly patient guys describe above: going aloof, not answering texts, claiming to be too busy, suddenly not attracted, etc. because I really just had no idea what was happening inside my heart and mind, let alone who I was, and what I wanted from a partnership.

I had an exceptionally difficult time discerning which guys wanted my kid (or me to run down the aisle and fire out MORE kids), versus the ones that wanted me. For me, there was a VERY distinct difference between the two: I wanted you to fall for me, as an intellectual, thinking, woman before you’d get a chance with my kid, whether or not you’d met him. I had no idea if I even wanted more kids because I was so exhausted from the one I already had, although I’d quite often speak the contrary as it appalled me to think that a man might want MY kid but not their own. (Insert more emotional baggage/turmoil).

Again, of course in retrospect, I believe a couple of these nice guys DID fall for me/my mind..but at the time it sure seemed to me that there were plenty of suitors out there who were merely looking for a good women to father their future babies, and that TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. I ran every time. So sorry guys, but what a horrific thing to try and balance!

Years later when I realized what I was doing, went back and apologized, and then got over being disappointed in myself for running/hurting a copule really great men, I intrinsically understood that I just wasn’t ready. I could not possibly fall in love one of these amazing men, because I had not yet forgiven myself for my failed relationship, and I could not imagine that any man would love me for me exactly where I was.

It’s part of that awesome cliche: YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONATE TO THE AMOUNT YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

It seems exceptionally immature as I look back at my behaviors ten or twelve years ago in hindsight, but I am always amazed when I jump on this site how this theme seems to repeat itself with women, and in particular, single moms. There are a lot of us figuring ourselves out, on the job, so to speak!

When we women/single moms don’t give ourselves time to figure US out before we go and try to serve the needs of another individual AND our kids, I believe it’s a recipe for long term disaster or at the very least, repeating the same mistakes in a relationship all over again.

Enter well meaning man, who is a “fixer” by nature and you have the contents of this whole board of posts.

After you figure out all of that…it becomes a matter of timing and finding one of these beautiful diamonds/men in the rough. Paul, I can unequivocally tell you, there is hope and it is absolutely positively worth the wait. Things will ultimately work out at they should…if you allow them to do so, but you have to LET GO INSTEAD OF HANG ON, and act/speak according to your gut.

In my case, pretty much the minute I let COMPLETELY go of the notion of ever finding someone, and got 110% happy by myself, my best friend from 17 years past reappeared…and the rest is a story we plan to continue writing for a very long time: my kidless man, my kid and me.
Ali´s last blog ..RIP Steve Jobs

My previous marriage ended when my husband left us, my son was an infant and my daughter 5. It was abrupt, traumatic, horrible and all the things you might imagine.

When I met Mark I really liked him and I missed having a man in my life. I wanted to spend time with him and my first challenge was the herculean effort it took to carve out one evening here & there. Between work, being two parents at once, school issues, nanny issues, I was lucky if I had time to get my hair cut, not to mention dating. I hadn’t been dating yet, although I’d been divorced a couple years.

My personal experience was: It took a huge, enormous, gigantic leap of faith. Like bone-deep, visceral, type of bravery. Mark and I dated ONCE PER WEEK for 6 months before I brought him around my kids. Then, my (wounded, abandoned, amazing, delightful, wonderful, fearful, sometimes-difficult, sometimes-terrifying, always worth it) precious kids had to fall in love too! And, Mark had to fall in love with them. See — the tricky part here is that I already loved him. But …. what if he didn’t “click” with them? or opposite? Then, I was setting everyone up for huge failure. AND, for me I knew the only way to really know if we can all four fall in love is: investment, time, a taking a huge leap. “Faith isn’t closing your eyes and leaping from A to B….faith is just closing your eyes and leaping.” That is REALLY difficult for a single mom, when your entire life is: how do I create security for them? How do I keep it safe? How do I not rock their cart any further? How do I ensure they can always depend on me? Now my job is to take my kids by the hand and lead them through the biggest risk of all: falling in love.

Anyway, Mark and I are in our 3rd year of marriage — Rachel did a little piece when we got married and I still check in here because deep down a part of me will always be a single mom. We are super happy – we bought a big, old, crooked house here in Seattle and we are enjoying busy family life. Today the kids are 6 and 11 and last week my 11 year old girl cried herself to sleep at camp — WITH ME THERE as cabin parent!– because she “can’t sleep without saying goodnight to Mark”. Whoa – Wasn’t that a humbling moment for this former-single-mommy??

My advice to single-guy-dating-a-mom…. If you are really IN, you are in for the slow long haul. She’s got bigger fish to fry than reassuring you. And Mark often comments he had absolute zero idea how immersive, how challenging, how exhausting full time parenting was. Have compassion — as hard as you think her life is, it’s three times as challenging as you envision.

While my heart has sunk reading through so many similar tales that mostly sound like they are leading to an end, I’ve had to remind myself of one obvious truth about all this.

If I was in this relationship with all things going well and nothing to report, I wouldn’t be wandering on google looking for advice, as is probably the case with everyone on here.

So this is a shout out to anyone who has accidentally stumbled onto this site out of boredom or coincidence who has a different tale to tell. Because if I don’t consider all those potential success stories out there whose stories wouldn’t normally find their way to this sad place, then I’ll most definitely lose hope. Surely someone out there must know a couple in this situation who ‘beat the curve’.

I think we could all use a bit of that to balance out the experience. Otherwise, I’m almost tempted to preemptively strike, to spare either of us what seems from this page to be an almost assured painful and drawn out end.

Anyone? Looking for balance in this site is like watching the primaries on Fox news

Unfortunately, your situation sounds like it has not only single parent/single partner no child issues, but long distance ones as well. While it sounds obvious that your children are probably a major issue in your relationship, since he’s never had any, and perhaps he doesn’t feel a connection with them, or they with him. It also sounds like your long distance relationship is done with the honeymoon phase, and now you both are no longer on your best behaviour, and acting how you normally act in your lives when you’re not spending precious hours with someone who will be leaving soon.

I’m willing to bet that while you’re feeling depressed and moody, he is likewise feeling resentment and acrimony towards you and your kids. The problem is that the two of your never really experienced what it would be like a relationship with each other until the two of you moved in together, and once you did, reality set it, and unfortunately it was that you two probably aren’t compatible with each other with where you both are right now.

I have no doubt you guys have genuine feelings for each other, and that if circumstances were different, that the two of you might even be perfect. But the problem is, you’re meeting at different times in your lives, and regardless of how great you two might get along individually, you come in a package, and an inseparable on at that, and he’s probably not ready for it. Give the guy a break, he went from single to father of an 11 & a 6 year old, in the span of one plane ride.

All I can say is that the timing is off, and just like most things in life, timing is everything. After the talk, you might be able to work it out, and things will become better, but I think you’d be better off going your seperate ways.