Comments on: Are you a choice mom?

By: Leslie

Leslie — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 00:32:59 +0000

I’m a single woman on an adoption waiting list. I was 38 when I realized that I might not meet a husband in time to have biological kids – and I really wanted biological kids. I started thinking about all of the aspects of being an SMC – finances, the responsibility, the child’s wellbeing, not having a father, etc. I really wanted the traditional family. So I kept dating, met someone, broke up, kept dating and hoping for the traditional family. Finally at 42.10 I decided it was now or never if I wanted a biological child. I started trying to conceive, but was too late. Words cannot describe the pain I went through – wasn’t it bad enough that I wasn’t going to have a traditional family, now I also couldn’t have biological kids? I was devastated and so angry at God. But after grieving, I realized that I still wanted to be a mom.

I moved to donor eggs only to find that I have an immune issue and kept miscarrying. I moved to adoption one year ago and am now 46.4 and have spent 11 mos on a waiting list. I can’t wait to be a mom, and I am choosing to become an mom, but if I could, I would choose to meet a terrific guy who still wants kids. I am NOT all rah rah about being an SMC and not excited about being part of any movement. Am I glad this is an option for me – of course – at least I’ll get to be a mom! But I would much rather have met a great guy in my 30s, gotten married and had a couple of kids, had two incomes, a second set of hands to help with stuff, etc. I have no rose-colored glasses about how life will be as an SMC – I expect to have moments of joy with my child and moments of loneliness, wistfulness about not meeting someone, frustration about doing it on my own.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:07:50 +0000

At the age of 38, I decided Romeo wasn’t going to show, and I pursued single motherhood. Fertility treatments ensued, and, finally, through IVF I got pregnant and had a beautiful baby boy. Today, I’m the proud mom of two boys.

You can read about our adventures on my site at http://JennyBeansBlog.com. (I’m a little challenged and can’t figure out how to include my last blog post.)

Cheers!

By: Sara

Sara — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 20:27:40 +0000

Very excited to find all these other choice mom bloggers out there. Not sure I’m so excited to read all the back and forth that I just skimmed through above but I will.
Sara´s last blog ..Say The Magic Word

By: Calliope

Calliope — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 18:26:36 +0000

I am a single Mother by choice. I always knew that if I had not married or was in a committed relationship by a certain age that I would look into parenting solo. I did a lot of research, read a lot of books, spoke to my primary doctor, friends, my family.

I sat down at my computer with my Mother next to me and together we looked through the selection of sperm donors at various banks. I probably knew more about these donors than most of the men I had been in relationships with!

It took me five years of trying (13 failed IUI’s, 1 miscarriage after an IVF, and finally success with a frozen embryo transfer) before I realized my dream of becoming a Mother. And just 14 months in it has been everything and more that I had hoped it would be!

It would be nice if this space had some “been there, done that” advice for other single Moms by choice. I am very open with how I conceived my son, but I know not everyone is (or that everyone wants to hear about it!)

At some point I do plan on getting back into the dating world and I would love to hear how other choice Moms (specifically via donor gametes) discussed this with dates or boyfriends. I mean how do you bring it up? & when?
Calliope´s last blog ..Take a Penny: An Open Advice Post

By: singlemama_cc

singlemama_cc — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 18:19:00 +0000

Natasha,
First. #assslap Very well said
Second, thank you for sharing your story with us too. Regardless of how one got to singleparentville, I truly enjoy hearing story behind the mama or papa…

Decision by suprise(love it btw), choice moms, moms with a choice blah blah…lets worry less about what to call one another and just respect each other as PARENTS.
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..Sunshine, swings and smiles (updated)

By: Natasha

Natasha — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 14:55:28 +0000

I found out I was pregnant two weeks after conception. I decided at that moment that I was going to become a single mother. The baby’s father was notified of that decision and has never questioned or fought it. I went through my pregnancy surrounded by friends that loved me. My best friend held my hand while I gave birth and cut the umbilical cord. I have raised my son for the last two years surrounding my son with positive male influences and role models that he loves and by family that he can’t question. My own family unit wasn’t traditional and neither is my son’s. I may not be a “choice mom” because I didn’t decide when I was going to get pregnant. I am a “decision by suprise” mom and I don’t regret it for a second. My baby boy is the best thing that has ever come into my life. I think that a lot of women end up in the same place by taking a lot of different roads. I think that deciding to be a single mother is the single most terrifying desicion a woman can make, and that is whether you choose to get pregnant alone, choose to raise the baby by yourself, or choose to leave your partner for any reason. I think the single mothers I know and meet are the bravest and strongest women that are in the world, no matter how they got here. I’m just glad to have a way to find support where people will be understanding and supportive because as a young single mother I get judged and scolded every single day of my life on how I am ultimately hurting my son. I have been lectured so many times on how selfish it is not to hunt down my son’s father and force him to be part of our lives. I have been berated for not settling down with the first man that will take me…choice mom or not, I’m just grateful that there is a network of women who make me feel a little less alone.

Last every single one of us at some point is going to have to answer the “daddy question”. Divorce or insemination the kids are going to want to understand it. At the end of the day all we can do is show our children how much we love them, let them know that you love them enough for a mommy and daddy, and be as honest as is appropriate. That conversations is not going to be easy but kids that grow up without fathers can turn out perfectly healthy and well adjusted. Stay strong and be prepared for it. I plan on just pointing out all the family and friends that love and surround my son every single day.

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 13:00:28 +0000

Oops, I meant As a mom of a son and a daughter of a father. More coffee!!
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Are fathers irrelevant?

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 12:58:44 +0000

Dr. Leah, Denise, Dana,
I appreciate your thoughtful responses. I do agree — a network of community is important for all parents, not just single and choice moms. But, as I ask on my blog today, a response to this very discussion and one at the Advice Goddess, are fathers irrelevant? As a mom of a son and a daughter, I don’t think they are.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Are fathers irrelevant?

By: Elle

Elle — Mon, 31 May 2010 13:39:10 +0000

I am a single mum – not a mum by choice but soon after finding out I was pregnant I chose to be single! My boy is one and my ex does nothing but harrasess me abuses me is neglectful to my son and yet stands in court to fight for his right to be a father!! He has nothing positive to offer my child and please don’t think I am just angry or vindictive I have tried for 12 months to better our relationship so our boy can have two parents but it only stays good for a wk or two at a time! My point is to Kat and even singlemamma cc – don’t fight some of us have too much fight on our hands already! And kat if I had the blessing of hindsight I would have choosen to this all on my own! Yes then bub doesn’t have a dad but that doesn’t mean they don’t have strong good male role models in their life! And let me tell u having dad would be great if the man was up to a responsibility but just having sperm doesn’t make u a good candidat to raise a child!!
I know with all my heart if I was wasting time money and stress on my ex I would be a much better mother to my most amazing child. So let’s all just support each other cause whatever situations or choices brought us here to single mummy hood – girls we got a long hard road ahead!!

By: Dana

Dana — Sun, 30 May 2010 17:17:14 +0000

Denise well said. I totally agree!!!!