It has been stressful, crazy making…I could relate to the dog food story, but never went there. Somehow I was always reminded to take the high road. I payed all the bills,health insurance,sports, school supplies, food, backpacks..name it I payed it.I am no saint, and not a trust fund mother I just somehow early on in our divorce knew how difficult my divorce was going to be from a lawyer and one of the variables I could control to ease the stress was just taking care of the kids.

In hindsight I knew how violent the boys father could be so my first issue of concern was always their safety first and then food and clothing next. The boys were 4 and 6 when the divorce started and from the beginning the father was not willing to pay for a pair of shoes, let alone years later when we skip ahead to Orthodonture for both of them. It was simply easier to think he was out of the financial equation and stay grounded, not make a fuss and buy what needed to be purchased. Needless to say it is a huge strain but I have been doing it for some time now. Here is the twist to the story and the reason I am writing because both boys 2 years ago left their father on their own to live with me full time. Now I had my “boys home” and the added expense of 24/7 care. While I was always maintaining some integrity in one of the ugliest divorce cases in San Bernardino my boys knew they could always depend on me for food, clothes, keeping them in sports, doctors visits, and the dog and the cat did get fed. Supplying the father with clothes and food is enabling but in my case the extreme refusal to purchase anything for the boys by the father was concrete.

I tried sending them back to his place with what they were originally wearing when I picked them up from school but they were in a mess every time. I do mean a real mess, the school would call me to bring fresh clothes for the boys to change into during his weeks and remind me they had no food or lunch card. Finally I kept an extra pair of clothes with the nurse and bought both boys lunch cards. I also left a case of protein bars in the classroom if they needed snacks during their breaks.

It is incredibly painful to think that a father could be so disheartening about his own 2 sons but the sooner I took control of this situation the smoother the boys lives became. Someone also mentioned to me that my boys will watch how I handle stress and repeat that behavior when they encounter their own stress. This little tidbit went a long way for me. The most difficult part is putting logic to an emotional issue;children do cost money to raise and the irony is the boys fathers earns 3 times more in one month than what I make in a year so why quit your job?, get disbarred?,and not help at all? I still see the father in the court room because we are still in trial and wonder but never ask. I tried unsuccessfully from the start to share the expenses but the pain and anguish the children were going through was too much.

For anyone hanging on looking for some extra help from the the other parent who does not want to contribute knows this puts the most burden on the children who can not understand the balance of separate homes, separate incomes. Life is supposed to be fair but often more times than not it is not going to work out the way one expected. For anyone doing this alone just keep putting one foot in front of the other, breathe, take the high road and hope your children know what you are doing for them. In my case they do and are turning out to be fine young men.

It is an honor watching them grow up with integrity and ethics.