Sex with your ex … and you know it’s NOT right for you
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
When we check in with each other every day, one of the things that really strikes us about you — our Singlemommyhood readers — is how open and honest you are. When another tough email lands in our box, we know that many of you have been there. Thanks for being so ready to help others.
So, this 25-year-old single mom of a toddler emailed us this week to say: “I need to talk to someone who might understand how I feel. I could really use some advice right now.”
She and her ex split up more than a year ago, and she says that she feels grateful for his support. Her family lives abroad, so she’s thankful that he helps out financially and spends weekends with their son.
Sounds just fine, right? “The problem is,” she explains, “I can’t get over him.”
Although she and her ex moved to different parts of town after splitting up, they continued to sleep together for months. “The nights that he had our son, he would call me and ask me to come over,” she says. “I knew it was wrong, but I missed him. The next morning, he acted like nothing happened and sent me back home.”
Recently, her ex told her that he’d met someone else. “I’ve never felt so lonely,” she says. “I got very depressed.”
To make things more painful, he still calls her and asks her to spend the night. “I know it’s wrong, but I still want to be with him. My friends keep telling me to let him go, but I don’t know how. I know that I need to be with a man who can give me what I deserve, but I’m afraid that will never happen.”
This is not the first time we’ve heard from a single parent who’s still in love with his/her ex. In the past, you’ve offered so much helpful advice, such as:
– Keep your contact with him to a minimal
– Think about your child, and how confusing it will feel when he sees the three of you together in the morning
– Focus on something else you love, such as friends, school, and/or your career
Obviously, this common sense advice is not resonating with this single mom. She’s really stuck in a wrong choice rut. And we truly feel for her.
However, we can’t help wondering if we’re missing something. So, we’re asking you …
What unmet emotional need keeps this single mom responding to her ex’s booty calls?
Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?
If so, how did you manage to break free?
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(Photo via Flickr: Sylvia Skea)
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Twitter @ http://www.onlyparentchronicles.com
Sadly, I think this is a very common situation. Until this woman feels her self worth is more important that the illusion of family she is feeling when she sneaks over there, she won’t break the cycle. Reasonable thought processes aren’t going to help her. Not only is her ex being dishonest to her, he is lying to their child, and the new woman in his life. She is only enable his deception. Unfortunately, I see someone getting hurt before I see the situation ending.
Twitter @ lildevilmama
I actually lived with my son’s Bio until he was 2 months old…and even after I left he attempted to be intimate with me. And, yes there were times when I was lonely and it felt okay, until all of a sudden he treated me like a piece of gum stuck on his shoe that he couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard he tried.
What did I do? I sat down one day and cried and cried and realized that I needed to be around other people in my situation. Other single parents who could call me on my bullshit. While my friends were quick to counsel me on how terrible my choices were none of them had kids, nor had they ever experienced this specific kind of personal loss. I found a group near me that was full of single parents of all types, and they helped me see how naive I was being and difficult I was making life for me and my son. It was the single Dad’s who helped me the most, and some of them have become my best friends and are always the most honest with how they think and feel about their Ex’s…this helped put my own healing in perspective.
On top of that, I found a therapist who specialized in divorce/single parent family therapy to help me build a new life plan and goals to achieve just for me and my son. Really the toughest part was the thinking that I failed my son, by not being able to give him a real family. But, what I didn’t see was that I couldn’t have been a truly honest and healthy person in that relationship, and the aftermath was a huge tip off to how my Ex really felt about me. The love was lost, and I needed to take a huge step back and see what was really going on with us.
I would be happy to help this single Mom find something/someone in her area to help her begin her healing…or even be an ear to listen. My first steps were to be busy when my son was with his Dad, and to always say No when he offered to have me come over. This is a tough road, and it did take me two years to make it out of the fog.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I agree that she needs to plan on being busy when the child is with his father. Take a couple of extra shifts or a part time job.
Also, I think a different internal diagolue is in order. She is telling herself that he must love her since he’s calling her to sleep with him, well really he’s taking booty where he can get it with very little effort. What does she think of a single father who sneaks women in and out of his bed on his visitation evenings? What does she think of a guy who sleeps with an ex while dating a current girlfriend?
Then she needs to start focusing on what she wants in a relationship. Does she want secretive sex with little contact in between? Or does she want a mate, companion, and helper? Does she want a man in her life who is dishonorable or a man her son can look up to?
alley´s last blog ..All Blocked up
@LilDevilMama: Thank you for being so honest. Good for you for finding a therapist. We’ll let this single mom know about your kind offer.
I agree this is a nasty problem to have – especially when he’s just using you. It’s a little extreme but I finally got an picture of my ex – just a head shot – and put a couple of horns and a mustache and evil eyebrows on it. I then added scrawled a caption, “Don’t trust him – he’s the devil!” Then I put it on my nightstand at eye level so that when I woke up it was the first thing I saw. It took a couple of weeks, but it worked!
Twitter @ iswirls
The previous comments are correct. This happens often. And it appears that her sexual connection fills the void of the relationship and still keeps her emotionally involved. As much as you love and worry about the child, you will need to ignore the late night calls. And hopefully start dating or move on.
Is it possible he might not be over her too? That’s always a question I’ve wondered in these situations.
Twitter @ teresa_coates
I agree that this happens far more often than most of us would like to admit. I remember thinking that it was okay because we just knew each other so well and clearly he wasn’t getting something from the girlfriend. That’s called Justification.
In reality, breaking up is hard and there are emotional ties that are sometimes one-sided and sometimes, as Eathan mentioned, two-sided. It’s comfortable, it’s easy and either (or both) can still get the physical intimacy that they want. But it’s always lop-sided. It sounds like she’s reading too much into it (as I did) and thinking that it actually means something emotionally to him, or at least as much as it does to her. My guess, from what you say, is that he’s just calling for a little easy action. That’s all.
If their kid wasn’t there, I’d say take some time to work your way out of it, but with the child there with them, I think it is too confusing for him/her as well. It should be Daddy’s time and Mommy’s time… putting them together in a really domestic situation can’t be healthy for the child to understand the reality of divorce.
As @LilDevilMama says, she needs to find some fellow single parents who have been through this, who understand the conflicting feelings, the desire for an ex, and have managed to work past that. It takes time and it takes confidantes, whether therapist or friends, who truly care for your emotional well-being. Find them.
Teresa´s last blog ..another chapter down
Sometimes what we won’t do for ourselves we’ll do for our children, so if she can’t find a way to give herself enough value to stay away and keep away (and we ALL go through periods when we devalue ourselves), then she might be able to value her son enough to tell herself that this is NOT the kind of thing she would want her son to do to someone one day. If she “co-signs” this kind of behavior for the ex then she in some way tells her son that behavior is acceptable, and it is not. To use someone, anyone, but especially someone who loves you, lacks integrity to a great degree. I know as a mama she wants to ensure her son grows up to be a man of integrity, so perhaps she can think of her son and say no to the ex, if for no other reason. That will hopefully give her the time and space to move forward with her own life.
Single Mama NYC´s last blog ..Its So Much Easier To Sleepwalk
OK, I am going to take the unpopular side of this discussion. The ex isn’t the only one potentially using this situation. Women in these scenarios aren’t always the victim by default, sometimes we are co-conspirators.
When I discovered I was pregnant I knew within days of telling my daughter’s father that he was not going to have a role in her life. He was deliberate and abundantly clear that he thought I should have an abortion and if I decided to move forward with the pregnancy he would get no help from me. After a month of not seeing him, I ran into him on the street, we got to talking he took me to dinner and from there up until I gave birth I continued to have see him and we continued to have sex. At times it was surreal and at other times it was like I was living in this little fantasy bubble. Oddly enough at no point did I think our conduct was going to change his mind, move the needle or cause him to want to be with me once the baby was born. I knew the reaction I got at the beginning was the truth.
For me that time we spent together represented a much needed escape for me. For a moment, I could just leave the fears, the worries and the overwhelming sense of isolation that came with embarking on single parenthood. I was taking on a great deal of stress – financial and emotional and frankly, with my daughter’s father I could, at least in those moments escape it and ignore it. I too felt guilt while I was pregnant that I somehow was going to short change my child because she wasn’t going to have a father in her life.
All that to say – we used each other. I had needs – emotionally the need to escape and physically the need/urge to have physical intimacy. What I came to realize after my daughter was born that the lonliness, guilt, isolation and other range of emotions involved with raising my daughter could not be fixed by hanging on to escapism – especially with a man who was not going to be a part of his child’s life. I know in this young woman’s case there was love (which wasn’t the case for me). But I agree with the above that she needs to get help navigating her way out of this and needs to fill the time when her child is with his father – until she can come to a point where being alone doesn’t feel like she is isolated.
I would also disagree that she needs to do this for her son, if the other rational advice hasn’t resonated doing it for her son won’t either. And ultimately she needs to do it for herself. The last part of the story talks about her knowing she needs to find someone else who will love her like she deserves, but is afraid it will never happen. I think this is the crux of what she needs to address. She needs to find a place of contentment and happiness that is independent of finding love. Because if she thinks she won’t find ‘the right person’ for her, defaulting to someone she loved, even though it isn’t fulfilling will continut to be satisfying for the moment. I think one of the biggest challenges of being a single parent when your child came out of a relationship is learning that you can be happy and fulfilled while being alone. And that being alone doesn’t mean your are lonely. This is about her, not her ex and that is where she needs to start if she truly wants to say no to the late night booty calls.
In addition to the good advice above, I would encourage this woman to remember that when you sleep with a man, you are in a way going to bed not only with him but with all of his sexual partners, past and present. Do you want to risk your health at this expense? There are a lot more than emotional consequences when you sleep with someone who is not being honest with you.
Well I will admit that having sex with my ex was a big mistake. I am now pregnant with his second child and he wants nothing to do with it. He backed up so fast>>>>I didnt even see it coming. He kept telling me to take my time and we will slowly fall back into a relationship again. Now this happens and that is no longer an option. I think this was my smack in the face to say…..SNAP OUT OF IT!
Twitter @ http://www.vomitcomit.wordpress.com
I slept with my ex on and off for a few months after the split, and it filled the lonely hole, sorta.
But eventually, we both needed to move on, and in the process, hurt each other more than we needed to.
It hurts to end things. But sometimes, you have too.
Luck to you.
thordora´s last blog ..A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh
It’s possibly a self esteem issue. Speaking on my own experience – wasn’t into the dating scene or even one to have male friends. I kept feeling something was wrong w me because for years I was overlooked or ignored. Then dude comes along – he was no good for me but I kept him around as much as he wanted me around. Knowing what he was out there doing & possibly bringing home to me – I didn’t care. I wanted to be the one to turn his life around. That just made things worse between the two of us and my family. Just when I was tired of being a sexual fix I became pregnant. Still was having sex w him. The very last time we did his phone got shut off and he was using mine to call people. One person sent a text and my name came up – people knew my name and that we were just friends – but not that I was pregnant w his kid. Turns out she was his fiancé for the past 3 months – and we were having sex the whole time. That was my turning point – I don’t deserve this treatment and I had been taking it for 2.5 years. I put him out of my house. It’s a one day at a time thing – somedays I really want to be with him or see him. I have to remind myself that our relationship is purely about our son. We talk everyday but the last time I saw him was in the ER. he was on his way to my house for supposedly headphones. Turning onto my street he was hit by a drunk driver. He will text me expressing how sorry he is and how he wants things to be right w us. He sends texts to the baby and tells him he loves us both. I have to be very careful because that’s how i got caught up in the first place. One day at a time. Connect yourself w friends & family. Get involved in some kind of activity. Find an accountability partner. Make better choices – this does affect your little one (my teen daughter doesn’t even acknowledge the baby simply because of who his dad is.) you can do it!!
@Kenya: Thanks for sharing your own story here, and please keep us in touch. Your advice is very much appreciated: “Connect yourself w friends & family. Get involved in some kind of activity. Find an accountability partner.”
Twitter @ http://cantitbeabout.me
I agree with all the advice above. Now here’s the wake-up call. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. He doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t WANT a happily-ever-after with YOU. Of course you’re never going to find the kind of man you deserve. Know why? Cause you’re wasting your time and energy on this one. Do you see a future with this man? Is he the kind of man you’d want to spend the rest of your life with? If so, then I hope that future you’re seeing includes nights with you at home alone wondering who the hell he’s with, cause that’s exactly what you’d get. You want a good man? Then be confident that you’re worth having one. You think a good man wants a woman whos accepting booty calls from her ex? A good man wants a woman who’s strong, who’s confident, who values herself. You are never going to find a good one so long as you keep hanging your happiness on someone else. What you’ll get is a string of horrid relationships just like this one. Time to write this one off as a mistake that came with a wonderful gift. It’s time for you to spend time working on you so you’ll be ready when a good one does come along.
There. I feel better now.
can’t It Be About Me´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to Me!
Twitter @ secretsmith
These are all excellent pieces. I have been there, and also have had to help family and friends through this. The ABSOLUTE BEST THING for you to do is surround yourself with friends. Friends that will constantly tell you how wonderful you really are, and how much you don’t need someone like that around you. Do things that you would never imagine yourself doing if you were still with your ex. Such as going out with friends and dancing, drinking, laughing, flirting (lots and lots of flirting) Finding that other men find you attractive is a major boost of self confidence. Go get your hair done, wear make-up daily, and not for him, for you. Buy some new clothes for you and the baby. Delete his phone number and DO NOT CALL HIM. Make arrangements for someone you trust to drop off and pick up your child to him. Then, as it ALWAYS goes, the pain, and sadness will subside, he will see it a BEG to get back with you, and by then you will be so over him, you will realize how riduculous you were for even giving in to his selfishness in the first place.
Ashley Smith: We’re so glad you joined the conversation. Thanks for *tough* advice. Deleting his phone number and getting someone you trust to pick up and drop off until you’re over him will definitely go a long way. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ secretsmith
Dr. Leah:
You’re very welcome for the advice. Sometimes we need a little toughness to wake us up.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Ok, so I didn’t read the other comments word for word, but is it possible no one else noticed that he’s having her come over when their son is there? Those words just leaped off the screen for me, and what it says to me is that he either doesn’t want overnight visits alone with his son, or he’s lazy and just wants you to do all the heavy lifting. Does he get up if the son wakes up in the middle of the night? Are you putting your son to bed when you go over?
I think this mom needs to think more seriously about whether or not this guy is pulling his weight as a DAD.
April´s last blog ..The Plans & Mission
It could also depend on that your ex is a “safe place”, it’s “familiar” and you don’t have to worry or expose yourself into having sex with a new man that can turn up being an idiot.
Or maybe you don’t want a new man, just sex, and where to get it safely than with your ex?
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I have to agree with what everyone else has said as there are a lot of valid points here. I did read once that massage can help to meet our need for connection and physical touch without the complications of sex. It’s a luxury for most but a lot of times there are massage schools that are much cheaper than a spa. It is definitely nice to have someone touch you and pay attention to your physical needs, especially if you are typically the one that is more attentive to others. Mind you, I’m talking about standard massage not anything illicit. I’m not saying it’s a 100% substitute but it can meet many of the same needs without the negative aspects and emotional ties sex often brings.
I can relate to some extent! I’m currently going through a divorce with my 2 yr old son’s father, of whom I was married to for 5 yrs. I have personally propositioned him on 2 occassions. I did it to feel like a woman, to see the look in his eyes, and knowing that he couldn’t/wouldn’t say no. It was very powerful for me, and I went into it just for the “act.” I also made him leave as soon as it was over, and played it off as if it meant nothing. Now, I’d be lying if I said that there were absolutely no feelings that tried to creep in. Love and hate are both intense emotions, and easy to switch from one to another, especially with someone you’ve shared so much with. It almost has to be a conscious decision you make to move on and be stronger and better.. whether you think you’re ready for it or not. Do it for yourself and your child, and in time the strength and confidence will come.
Candi: Thanks for posting such an honest comment. We’re sure that many women will relate.
I am in the same exact situation! I can not get over mine either ! Most days I feel as if I’m going crazy! I pray constantly and now I wonder if he is with me till someone else comes along! I need him right now to help with the kids so I can’t just get rid of him! I miss him terribly when he’s gone! I pray I get answers cus I can’t take it anymore!
@Sandra: You’re not alone. Please know that your ex can still be a good father and help with the kids… and NOT expect you to go to bed with him. You deserve to have healthy boundaries.