Comments on: My boyfriend spanked my son

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 00:15:36 +0000

Natalie, thank you for generously opening up and sharing your story.

By: Natalie Z.

Natalie Z. — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 22:34:18 +0000

If things are getting serious and you are making your way toward becoming a family, discipline is certainly something that needs to be discussed. I agree that the boyfriend was out of line, spanking a child before having permission to do so.
But I can also understand his point of view. A man, especially a good one, wants to aid and protect his mate. He saw you in a difficult situation and attempted to assist you.
You have different ideas about how and by whom discipline should be administered. That is something that needs to be discussed and the two of you need to come to an agreement. But tread lightly and ask him gently to leave corporal punishment to you.
That said, if and when you do become a family and he is the head of your household I believe he should have the authority to discipline your child in the same manner that you yourself discipline him. Parents need to present a consistent and united front. Not allowing him to be your equal when it comes to parenting will open up the playing field for your kids to manipulate and pit you against one another.
It’s a delicate balance and the only way to achieve it is to communicate. Moreover, to try and understand your partner’s point of view.
Natalie Z.´s last blog ..Hotlanta Birthdacation-Day One

By: Maura Alia Badji

Maura Alia Badji — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 15:22:30 +0000

Hell to the NO! I do NOT have mixed feelings about this. I am alarmed. Allowing your worry abt how YOU might come off as pissed to stop you from dealing with this situation immediately is the first step down a very dangerous & slippery slope. These are your children. I’m sorry if I’m being tough on you–but somebody needs to do so.

If u don’t allow grandparents & the children’s father to spank, why does Mr. Wonderful get a free pass? He crossed a serious line. And is spanking really the answrer to dealing with a cranky, restless 3 year old?

I have read too many news stories about “boyfriends” abusing their gf’s kids to death; it always starts with permission to “discipline” the kids. I have taught too many damaged children in my Special Education career to take this lightly. In 7 years I’ve personally taught half a dozen kids beaten, kicked, & shaken into brain damage & physical infirmity by the love interests of single mothers. I’ve known of @ least a dozen more taught by my colleagues. It always starts with a spanking, or the “right to discipline” the children of a single mother by her boyfriend.

Please put you & your children before any worries about how u come off to your boyfriend Why did u need to edit yourself. And why did he assume u wld be ok with him jumping over such a critical line?
Maura Alia Badji´s last blog ..DeeJay Eric- from Kenya- with Moxie Bee in VA Beach- In The Mixx

By: Semi-Hippie Solo Mama

Semi-Hippie Solo Mama — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 02:42:27 +0000

I’m not understanding how a mother could be angry that someone has hurt her child yet not say anything because she was afraid of it coming out wrong?!? I can only imagine what was going through that boys head having someone hurt (or humiliate) him and his mother sit there and watch. Our kids need to feel their mothers will be there to protect them.
I agree with Alley. When someone spanks a child, a red flag should go up. I don’t believe in spanking because I don’t see it as a way to discipline, I see it as a way to humiliate so I’m trying not to judge based in my beliefs, but I do think that spanking is a gateway to more severe abuse. I’m willing to bet that the many, many boyfriends out there who murdered their girlfriends kids, started out by just spanking them.

At the very least, a conversation should be had before boyfriend is around her son again.
Semi-Hippie Solo Mama´s last blog ..Bad Parenting 101-Holding a grudge

By: Anna

Anna — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 23:35:51 +0000

Very good point, Brian.

By: Brian

Brian — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 14:48:27 +0000

More perspective from the Dad’s side, if I may….

I absolutely agree with Jason. Communication is key; as is a solid understanding of to what point a relationship has progressed. Personally, I can say that discipline has been the major cause of failed relationships for me. Here’s why:

At the ‘dating’ stage, hands off. I’ll tend to mine and you tend to yours. I expect mine to mind, respect and be polite to whomever I am dating – and her’s to me. If my son is less than mindful, respectful or polite, I’ll deal with it. After all, it’s my issue. I expect the same from her and I’ll take cues from how she handles similar issues. If she allows her children to disrespect me or my son or her, I have to ask myself, “Do I want her in my life?”

Moving past the dating stage to something potentially more serious and long-term, I have to start thinking about life philosophies. My personal belief is that every member of a family lives within the same sphere. Each is special in his or her own way but each is a part of the same whole. So how can there be special rules and treatment for different ‘parts’ of the family? I don’t understand how a couple can come together and build a family with children involved if attitudes like “I’ll tend to mine and you tend to yours” continue. For me, it’s either a family or it’s dating. You either put it all together or you hold it all apart… there is no half way.

About 2 years ago I became serious with a lady. She had two children – a little guy and a teenage daughter. I’d spent fairly considerable time around the son but not so much around the daughter. As we progressed to the next stage, we all began to spend much more time together – and the daughter was a nightmare! She told her mother what mom would and would not do. She drug home at 2 and 3 in the morning. I’m not going to have that example around my son. I discussed it with mom. Mom ‘trusted’ her 14 year old daughter and didn’t see anything wrong with her actions. Done.

This is an extreme example but it serves to illustrate the point. How do parents expect to build families if there is one set of rules for his and one set of rules for hers? How does the child who is disciplined for ‘x’ not become resentful when another child in the family is allowed to do ‘x’ with no discipline?

By: Swati

Swati — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 02:22:04 +0000

WHOA! Out of line – he should NOT touch your kids period!

Swati
Swati´s last blog ..How to Write an Online Dating Profile guest post by eHarmony UK

By: alley

alley — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 00:49:02 +0000

I think its something that single parents ought to educate themselves about . . . .
alley´s last blog ..I am a miserable human being

By: Anna

Anna — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 00:23:20 +0000

Just because they use the term “boyfriend” doesn’t mean it’s NOT a forever thing. There aren’t that many appropriate terms out there for a long-term partner to whom you are not married.

And I think it’s a pretty big leap from spanking to murder. Yikes.

By: alley

alley — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 22:59:27 +0000

Google “mother’s boyfriend” to see how many children are murdered by the “reliable, loving men” their mother’s date. Many of these cases involve men who seem outwardly kind, caring, and helpful.

1) she should have said something right then – ie, thanks for trying to help, but I don’t believe in spanking (or touch my kid again and die – depending)

2) if she still feels he’s the man for her, she needs to sit him down, explain her discipline theories, and insist he agrees or gets out.
alley´s last blog ..I am a miserable human being