Comments on: When a choice mom worries about the “daddy” question

By: Mary

Mary — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 13:23:44 +0000

It is exactly that question posted above that inspired me to write a children’s book for my sister Jean, a single mom by choice, and her 6 year old daughter, Nan.
“Nan’s Donut Dilemma” is brand new and it really just started as an essay I wrote for the two of them. Nan had “donuts with dads” day at school and it wasn’t that she didn’t have a dad to bring, it was that her friend told her that she HAD to have a dad. Her friend said every kid had to have both a mom and a dad. Nan was confused and my sister handled the confusion sweetly, clearly and so lovingly that I wanted to capture her words and their dialogue. What was an essay for them has turned into a breathtakingly beautiful children’s picture book. It sounds like I’m shamelessly promoting it but I’m not… it’s about love, families and courage.

Mary (sister to a single mom and aunt to Nan, who is the light of Jean’s life!)

By: buckeyemom

buckeyemom — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 15:47:58 +0000

I freaked out when my daughter began calling all men “daddy”. Soon I realized that she identified anyone male as a “daddy” & anyone female as a “mommy” not knowing terms/words like man, woman, girl, boy. Her exposure to people were only as mommies & daddies. It really freaked out the men more than the woman. I was sensitive to the women I knew that never had children & have worked on teaching my now 4.5 yr old that not everyone is a mom or dad. Next phase was little questions here or there that I read way more into than she meant. Fortunately, I belong to a Single Moms by Choice group & found that most kids go through that phase (as do the moms). I’ve made a good effort at always pointing out how people are different & families are different. Todd Parr books are great! I love Modern Family & explain the 2 daddies family. We don’t live in an area w/ much diversity & I want her to know that different families are okay. A classmate’s parents are divorced which is leading into explaining that type of family. She recently drew a picture of an alien family with 2 mommies which made me proud. Net, net, deal w/ the questions keeping in mind the developmental level of the child. Ask what they mean or delve deeper into the question b/c we can project a completely different meaning into a very simple question. Once a question about “daddy” was really about Uncle D & my DD called him that b/c her cousin calls him that. I laughed that I thought it was about her “father”. Father’s Day is all about my dad & my child makes a Father’s Day gift for him.

By: Erin

Erin — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 03:30:06 +0000

Rachel – Every week at daycare has a theme. This week’s theme was Dashing Dads! They must have run short of ideas though because one day they talked about animal dads and made lions.
Erin´s last blog ..Jumping Off

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 18:39:33 +0000

@Prettybaby: Thanks for sharing about your son. Big hug!

You might want to check out this post we wrote about single moms raising sons on their own: http://www.singlemommyhood.com/2010/03/do-you-worry-about-your-father-less-son/

Stay in touch.

By: Prettybaby

Prettybaby — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 18:33:36 +0000

I have a 8 year old son and for most of his life his dad has been in and out of it, eventually my son recognised it and questioned me about it then I realised that it wasn’t doing my son nor myself any good and now that my son has no contact with his dad there are more questions so my son calls him his sperm doña now but on the odd occasion he asks questions I Neva know what 2 awnser and because he is getting older the questions come more regular

By: mightbeatranny

mightbeatranny — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 16:35:39 +0000

kids don’t really think about what makes them different until about 4 1/4 years of age. then they start looking around and notice that other families have their own “look”. they bring it up and make comments based on their level of “surprise” (for lack of a better word) as a way of saying “hey, whats the deal”.

My 2 younger kids were very surprised to learn that not every family had a “sick kid”, who would never get well. other kids might comment on their not having 2 parents, or having 2 mommies, or having no siblings, etc.

different doesn’t mean better or worse, it just means not the same. kids take their cue from YOU. if you make it a non-issue, just a fact, they will too.

i’ve said this before, but remember; there are kids who’s parents are dead, living in war zones. our kids are loved and cared for, they will be just fine. its not our job to create societies vision of the perfect life for our children. its our job to do the best we can.

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 11:47:56 +0000

Amanda: Welcome! Thanks for sharing your family story with us. Happy Fathers’ Day to your grandfather!

By: Brittney

Brittney — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 05:02:26 +0000

this is a topic that terrifies me!! i only have a three month old but every time i’ve thought about the ‘daddy convo’ i almost break down in tears. the question i fear most is ‘why doesnt daddy love me?’ her father isnt a donor, we were involved for a time but broke up when i was in my first trimester of pregnancy. i live out of state from him so she’s never seen him but…im scared later she’ll see that as he doesnt love her and she’ll think its her fault. any one else ever have these anxieties?

By: Amanda

Amanda — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 22:27:46 +0000

If you provide a positive male role model in the child’s life it will be a-ok!! I have 2 children. One has a 100% absent father (we call him the donor) and my daughter is adopted and I’m single so no dad. For Fathers day we are celebrating her grandfather.

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 21:11:53 +0000

@Erin: Thanks so much for sharing your own experiences about talking to your daughters…. And please tell us what “Dashing Dads” means. Hmmm, we’re curious