Comments on: When should kids sleep at a boyfriend’s house?

By: JE

JE — Thu, 27 Sep 2012 13:51:20 +0000

Missy, I’m not sure the situations are the same. Did the ex wife have that written into the divorce decree due to unfaithfulness during her marraige and she wanted to protect the kids from the immediate shock and confusion of coed sleepovers? It sounds like your issue is a tit for tat. I couldn’t so she shouldn’t. Additionally as the step parent quite frankly it isn’t your decision to make. It is between the biological parents. It sounds like they have been divorced for some time since you and he are already married. The circumstances may have changed over time and it may be fair to reassess the situation. It would also depend on the custody arrangement. If the kids are with the dad 1 night a week and the mom 6 nights a week then it is quite differnt. I would be more concerned with the commitment level of her relationship with the man. Are the kids well adjusted to the parents divorce? Are they in a long term commited relationship? Are the kids comfortable with him and does he treat them well? Is the trip a good opportunity for the kids and something they will enjoy? It is about the kids not about avenging the hard time you feel you were given.

By: Dad73

Dad73 — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 19:18:44 +0000

Well I am in a similar situation. I have been officially divorced for 7 months and separated for 18 months. I have been with my current girlfriend for 13 months now. My children 12,13 and 17 all have met my girlfriend and enjoy her company when she comes by. She stays only when the kids are with their mother and things are fine. We are both very happy with each other and engagement and marriage has already been discussed. My question now within the next few months, probably after the new year, we will together in a new and larger place. When is it appropriate for her to be with me while the children are home? I am not going to give up my parenting rights nor do I feel I am being selfish by moving on and starting a new life and possibly new family with the woman I love. Do I need to be engaged? Married? The oldest is fine with everything and the two younger ask can she stay over and I say not this time… every time. So what exactly is the “RIGHT” time?

By: Bp

Bp — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 05:22:47 +0000

I’m so glad I came across this website and this post in general. My kids see my ex husband every other weekend. We have been divorced for a little over two years now. When I left him after he was unfaithful, he moved his gf in a month later. They were together for a year until it didn’t work out. I still get the questions from my kids now 7 & 4. Over the past few visits, he has introduced them to a “friend” and told them she is not his gf. Both boys openly discussed how they saw the two of them kissing last time (without coaching). I found out that they stayed overnight at the girls house and daddy slept in the same room with the girl while my kids slept on the couch. I was MAD when I found out! So this past weekend (just two weekends after they stayed at first girls house) he introduced them to girl number two. My kids were again told this was not a gf but witnessed them kissing. I thought maybe I was overreacting by confronting him about them, but after reading this. He shouldn’t have taken kids to sleep at someone else’s house.

By: Missy

Missy — Thu, 10 May 2012 17:23:32 +0000

Question to all of you – what if this situation arises but a little different – its written in the divorce decree that there are to be no overnight opposite sex partners or cohabitation. My husbands ex gave he and I a hard time when we were dating – we did no overnights/trips or anythings with the kids before we were married b/c of that very clause. Now that its her she wants to take two girls (11 and 13) on a trip with her boyfriend for 5 days overnight = she says the sleeping arrangements are PG. Is it okay for her? My thoughts are no b/c its specifically written in the parenting plan of the divorce decree. Why do the rules apply to Dad and not Mom? Thoughts and opinions are very much needed.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 18:47:07 +0000

I would also like to add that in 8 years of being single, my kids have only stayed the night at 2 boyfriend’s houses…somehow I always thought it was better for them if we had the sleepocers at our own home…

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 18:35:00 +0000

I, too have been this woman. A long time ago, in what seems like a different lifetime. In my early single days, I made some reeeally bad decisions. I had more men than I care to number stay overnight at my house. My kids were young…and at the time I thought every man I met would be serious. I was acting immature, and selfish. I thought my actions were justified some way…
I havent had a sleepover in years now. My kids are older, and it seems wrong to me now. I look back and think “holy heck what was I thinking?!?” My 12 year old daughter brings it up randomely…remember when you used to have sex mom? Ya…she remembers each and every time someone stayed over. GO FIGURE. She isnt scarred or damaged, but she certainly remembers feeling really uncomfortable on those nights when MOMMYS DOOR WAS CLOSED. She doesnt hesitate to remind me of my past mistakes. If I could go back…i would reverse so many bad decisions. But we each live and learn. This dad can only control what he does on his own time. Sad, but eventually he will be rewarded for being responsible and unselfish. And hopefully this mom will learn sooner than later…sleepovers are NEVER a good idea.

By: free6363

free6363 — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 17:31:24 +0000

I don’t think it is appropriate to involve your kids in your dating relationships if it isn’t serious. I’ve had this problem with my ex and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. We have had several heated conversations about it and because he is selfish he doesn’t see what I’m talking about. When I see this kind of behavior I chalk it up to selfishness on the parent’s part. They are not thinking about their children and how this may affect them.

By: susan

susan — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 11:24:58 +0000

I’ve been this woman and I now deeply regret it. in retrospect it was just too soon and too much – and the guy turned out to be a walking relationship disaster and potentially it could have been scargiving. i thought at the time i was normalising things…making my new partner part of the family was better than having a secret affair.
two years on and my son still asks why we don’t see X any more – even though he was only in our lives a few months he obviously had a bigger impact that I realise. It is more curiousity than emotional bond but still:(
it’s been a hard lesson for me and one i will be in no hurry to repeat if ever. now, my children are kept completley separate from my ”adult” life and it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.

By: BrandiClark2010

BrandiClark2010 — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 17:39:05 +0000

This Dad does not want his daughter to spend the night at the boyfriend’s place — is he being unreasonable?

Do you feel it’s appropriate for kids to sleep-over at the home of someone you’re dating?

If so, how do you decide when the time is right?

Dad is absolutely not being unreasonable. I experienced the same type of thing. My ex and I divorced while he was stationed in Korea. He came home with a new girlfriend. He moved in with her immediately, I had a serious issue with our children sleeping over at the house because they were not married. I am dating and my boyfriend goes to his home everynight before my kids go to bed at 9pm…even on the weekends. He has stayed at the house two times because both of us had a drink or two, but the kids did not see us go to bed and he woke up before the kids and moved to the couch. When the kids do go to their dad’s house, I stay with my boyfriend, that is at the most two weekends a month if even that frequently. I would never take my kids to sleep over at my boyfriends house unless we were without electricity because of a storm or something.

I get very frustrated because I seem to be the only parent trying to set a good example. Right now, the kids do not seem to appreciate it all or even acknowledge the things that I do for them. I hope when they are older they will see and will make good decisions based on the examples I try to set.

I believe the dad in this dilemma is correct and should stick to his morals and offer to keep the child on the weekends his ex wants to go stay with her boyfriend. JMHO

By: Melissa

Melissa — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 00:04:27 +0000

I personally think it’s inappropriate to jump from a few short, casual visits to spending the whole weekend at his place. I don’t see how this little girl has been given enough time to adjust to Mom’s new friend. I also think that something like a sleep over warrants a lot of preparation. I’m not a big fan of taking the child out of her environment for this situation. Why doesn’t he go there?

I’ve had two relationships since my divorce. The first he spent the night at our house and the second, we went to his house. The number one thing I learned from two failed relationships is that I will not let my children get attached to someone early on in a relationship. The two failed relationships hurt them has well as me. The next time around, it will be a long time before there are over night visits.

I also think that if there are going to be sleep overs, they should occur in the child’s home where they feel comfortable.