my other gentle challenge is that i think it’s unfair to assume that the mother in this case is basing her decision on emotions related to the biological father and/or any potential relationship there. such an assumption does a disservice to the concept of choice parenting and all the hard decisions and work it requires to parent in a non- traditional context. not all choice parents used a sperm donor or adopted (although those scenarios certainly help avoid this sort of legal dilemna!). for example, a sole parent choice made after the end of the relationship (casual or serious)may be more about empowerment and what’s best for the child than punishment or spite.

perhaps another way of looking at it is that the ‘choice’ to become a sole parent is a conscious decision to deconstruct the traditional ideology around parenting, much like other innovations to parenting have been over time such as divorce or gay adoption. choosing to not have a biological parent involved who has expressed an interest to be involved is an extension of that deconstruction—but like all of these innovations it will need to be tested by the core principle at play: can this latest permutation of parenting foster a well adjusted child? not everyone will agree that the scenarios I have presented do that, but I hope it at least has created pause for thought.
i hope the mother is this case succeeds in retaining autonomy—mostly because of the potential impact on the older child’s concept of father/dad/ family.

i am sorry for any problems that come up for her older child because of this, but if the guy sincerely wants to do right by his daughter, in what world would this be a bad thing??? i would give anything i have for my daughter to have a dad who cares about her, loves her, wants to know her. instead her “dad” stuck around on & off for the first 3 yrs, then married & had 2 children, & has not taken the slightest interest in his first born, in 3 & a half years. seriously, mom, stop thinking about yourself, & think about how many more people there are to love this little girl, her dad, & extended family.

big brother will probably be upset for awhile. i think the advice to arrange for him to have regular one-on-one guy time with someone is great advice. as much as us single moms try to do without it, i think all kids do need some sort of male role model in their life.

I can say now, after several years of co-parenting, that the most important thing I learned was to focus on my perspective. Is he an ideal, easy-to-get-along-with Dad? Well, no. But letting someone infuriate you is a choice. Handle what you can handle (the time at your house, and the bonds in your family) and if it’s out of your hands (Dad’s involvement) then let it go. He’s not going to break up your family – you are this child’s mother, no matter what. No one can take that away from you.

I say this because in my professional like I constantly see parents engaging into eternal and horrible Court fights just because “this is what I wanted.” It is terrible to me to witness how parents can lose sight of what it is the best for the kids and how much they focus only on “I want this because I want it.” They don’t care if they are being unreasonable and have to spend thousands of dollars that can be spend on the kids, all they are after is taking revenge on the other parent and this attitude is not helpful. This attitude is awful for the kids and if she takes a similar attitude and allows her realtionship with the father to be controled by the anger coming out of he disrupted her family, her a child is going to be another kid traumatized by the Court system.

My best advice will be, try to deal with this in the most civilized way. We agree is upseting but she needs to calm down and talk to the father and come out with a plan that benefits the girl. Think about the benefits your daughter may have like extra income and that you can have some free time when she is in visitation. Now if for some reason the father is behaving in a way that is not positive to the child, that is a different story but as long as what he wants is involvement and help, just allow it and try to adapt to the situation.

With regard to your son, I am more than sure than there are women in the choice mom community that have children with involved fathers and children who do not have a dad, reach out to them! Ask them how to handle the situation. Talk to your son about his feelings and reassure him that you love him, that sometimes it may be sad not to have a dad but that he has lots of people who love him. I am not really an expert in that area but I am sure that there are other women in that situation that can offer great advice.

If not, however, calling a man you willingly had sex with – and equally took to the risk with – calling a man that impregnated you, a ‘sperm donor’, is not the same thing by any stretch of the imagination.

I know first hand the hurt and bitterness of having a man reject you and the child you bear by him, and I know how easy it is to let anger get the best of you and to call him such things, but, in the end, that child is only here due to that man’s existence. That child has a right to have two parents if those two parents are willing to be parents.

No wonder she is overwhelmed and infuriated! Where has he been the previous 16 months? Perhaps that’s what she means by him being a virtual stranger (to her daughter). Why is he demanding shared custody now?

Has he previously acknowledged paternity? Is his name on the birth certificate?

She knows (by her state law) the bio-dad will get some sort of custody and or visitation since he started litigation.

If he has been an absentee parent for the first 7 months of this child’s life it would be resonable to request short in (mom’s) home visits at first and work up to eventually a more standard shared custody arrangement over time. I think it would be fair for the bio-dad to show a certain level of commitment to actively parenting a child he hadn’t acknowledged or been involved with to this point. Frequent and consistent visits with the daughter as well as financial responsibility toward her care is part of that commitment.

Counseling for Mom is a great idea to work through the negative feelings of the situation and how to manage co-parenting when she is ultimately faced with it.

Best wishes Mom!