Comments on: When grandparent behavior upsets a single mom

By: Amy Turner @ Credit Donkey

Amy Turner @ Credit Donkey — Wed, 23 May 2012 10:34:08 +0000

I believe she needs to live independently from her parents. It will be hard at first but then she will be teaching her daughter the values she thinks are important without interference from the parents. Courage, strength and will power are what it will take for her to make the break to freedom.

By: C Lo

C Lo — Mon, 21 May 2012 16:15:37 +0000

It’s time to cut the apron strings and define the boundaries you want. Your parents can be GRANDPARENTS without losing their position with your daughter or being cut out. My parents and my ex in-laws are incredibly doting grandparents and my kids adore them….and I don’t have to sacrifice my parental boundaries for that. Neither do you.

This might mean stepping away from their financial support for a while. It sounds like you’ll have to define your boundaries and stick with them yourself. You can’t make other people (especially other grown ups) do what you want. So this is a choice you’ll have to make, enforce, and stick to.

It might create some growing pains but in the end, you’ll probably be glad you were proactive.

By: Avigail74

Avigail74 — Fri, 11 May 2012 02:00:30 +0000

I may not have had the same exact situation~ but somewhat similar. When my ex-husband put me down in front of my wee baby and his daughter~ I knew right away it was time for me to go~ because I didn’t want my daughter to think that it was normal.

So, I agree with ChopperPoppa and Amanda~ as difficult as it may be, it’s time for you to be on your own~ hold your head up high, if you fall down~ simply get up and dust yourself off~ and try again. It was very difficult for several years for me~ I lived in a small one room apartment that faced the alley, was broke as hell, worried about money, lived off of beans and rice~ and 8 years later, I’m a homeowner who is financially stable. People who meet me today would never believe the poverty I went through. I wanted a better life for my girl~ I wanted her to see what it means to persevere and never give up.

So, momma~ pack up your bags and as Rachel Sarah used to remind us: We, single mothers, get to call all the shots~ go for it!!!!

By: Samantha K

Samantha K — Wed, 09 May 2012 22:02:06 +0000

I had this kind of problem when I was pregnant with my son. My mother was very upset over the fact that I had gotten pregnant and I felt very anxious to share any information about my pregnancy with her or my father. It was not a comfortable conversation, even when she was in the labor and delivery class with me. Now that my son is 5 months old, things are going well. I would say that in her situation, she definitely needs to sit down with her parents and tell them how their negative attitude towards her is effecting the way that she feels about them and effecting the way that her daughter will be raised simply by hearing those negative conversations. As nice as it is to live with your parents, with the support and the love, it can also take a huge toll on the relationships that you have with them. If she can move out, perhaps she should. If not, she needs to set very clear boundaries with her parents about the conversations that they have with her, especially in front of her daughter who can understand what they are saying and who is bound, at the age of four, to ask what those words mean.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 09 May 2012 16:44:38 +0000

Living with your parents is never a good idea. there is so much help out there for single mothers to avoid living with their parents. There is assistance for housing, for food, for childcare. It takes a lot of footwork, but it can be done. You have to suck up your pride, and ask for assistance. Do whatever you have to do to NOT live with your parents.

By: Sheba

Sheba — Wed, 02 May 2012 20:00:37 +0000

There’s a terrific commercial on one of the children’s channels (I think it’s Nick Jr.) that shows adults doing horrible things and acting irresponsibly, aggressively, or just selfishly, as if they’re being recorded by a small video camera. Then the camera turns around and it’s their own kids’ eyes and ears doing the recording. Your child is absorbing every second of you being degraded, and the fact that it’s being done by people she trusts just as much as you makes the message that much stronger. This is how women are treated OR this is the amount of respect mommy deserves. Worse yet, when she’s old enough she’ll realize what part of mom being a slut refers to her OWN birth out of wedlock. Great material for low self-esteem, depression, etc.
Living with our parents again after becoming an adult, and most importantly, a parent, is NOT easy even in the most positive of environments. We’re still their children, no matter how old we are, and there’s always going to be a butting of heads and an overlap of authority. But there should NEVER be a harmful affect on your child! I’m living with my parents, too, and I’m dependent on them for the roof over our heads, paying bills, putting food in our stomachs and clothes on our backs. Child support is nonexistent because the bio-dad moved out of the country to avoid paying. But I’m very, very lucky to have parents who show my daughter they love me. Still, I will definitely get my own place when I can afford to do so in a manner that will give my daughter a good life. Because we ARE our own family, my daughter and I, and we need to have our own space to create our own traditions and routines and live our lives. We’ll always be close to my parents, who have done more for me than I can ever repay (and I’ll be repaying them 1 day, too when I can.) Just like their married offspring, I’ll come and go often, giving us all plenty of time together, and still have my own home to return to and avoid these little “battles.”
I would suggest this woman let her parents know that their generosity is much appreciated, but their behavior is a surefire way to get their beloved granddaughter to hate herself and maybe her mom and/or them 1 day. If they truly care about her, they’ll try to clean up their act. Whenever it is financially possible, though, this mom and her daughter must move out to move forward in their lives. The relationships between them all will also most likely benefit from living apart.

By: kims

kims — Wed, 02 May 2012 14:57:31 +0000

its hard to be a single parent on your own, with no outside help. i’ve been doing it for 3 years, ever since we moved out of state, & left the majority of both of our families behind. it is extremely difficult at times. its especially hard not having much of a social life, because i can’t afford a babysitter, & there isn’t anyone to watch her for free anymore. it sucks getting assistance from the state to help pay for daycare so i can work. but now i am extremely independant, & i don’t lean on my parents or my daughters family for anything, & whether they want to or not, they have to respect me for it. they have nothing to hold over my head. and even though its a constant struggle, i like it much better this way.

if this woman has to apply for wic or foodstamps or daycare assistance to help her get out from under her parents thumb, she should do it. the less help she needs from them, the less of a hold they have on her. that will lead them to accepting that she & her child are their own family. sure, she should also get child support for her child, but something tells me that may not be a dependable income. my daughter’s father hasn’t seen her in 3 & a half yrs, & owes me almost $8,000, and they garnish when they know where he works, but once they start garnishing, he quits & gets another job. when she is finally on her own, not depending on her parents, she should sit them down when her child is not around, & talk with them, lay down the rules about what type of talk is acceptable in front of her child. assure them that she is grateful for all they’ve done, & she wants them to be an active part of their grandchild’s life. but when they disrespect her, they teach her child to disrespect her, and that is unacceptable. when she starts acting more like a parent & less like the teenager her parents are seeing her as, things will change for the better.

just my opinion, speaking from my personal history with my family.

By: Honoree Corder

Honoree Corder — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:03:04 +0000

I agree with @parentingdating and @Chopperpapa: therapy and a new place to live are the first and most important goals here (in my opinion, of course). Is it equally as important to watch what you say and what you do in front of your children? I think so. Our kids are watching our every move, and recording our every word (a scary thought, I know), but this makes the short-term critical as the age of her child is a particularly important time in a child’s growth and development.

If she’s not living on her own, I think that would be the first goal (even if it takes some time to financially get that handled). In the meantime, find other places to be during those waking hours. Additionally, if you don’t ask, you don’t get: so ask the grandparents to watch their words and actions, preferably in a therapeutic environment where a non-biased, non-emotionally involved third party can validate the importance of this.

Finally, it’s important that she ensure she doesn’t take on those behaviors toward her daughter and her own grandchildren someday.

I know from personal experience it IS POSSIBLE to break the chains of bad parental behavior (what’s been modeled) and decide to do something new, different, and better. My parent are a (THE?) prime example of how not to be parents, and I had to consciously decide to not only not do what they did, but to choose to do things differently with my daughter. I’m not always perfect, but I sure do notice when what was modeled for me is coming to the surface.

Blessings for an amazing life, single mom!

By: NokomisMichelle

NokomisMichelle — Wed, 02 May 2012 11:43:22 +0000

This situation is all too close to home for me. Having to turn to parents that have raised you with constant negative messages about yourself is difficult. Having to be indebted and dependent upon their help is a HUGE burden. They will not change. And since you are still dependent upon them, neither will your relationship. And many reading this would say,
“Why do they have to?” “At 27 years old this woman shouldn’t be depending on her parents anymore” “They should be retired and able to relax in their later years”. Should is a stupid word. What it implies, the ideal situation, doesn’t exist so giving it any attention is a waste of time. This is not the ideal situation. And the reasons they (your parents) feel they have a right to still treat you like a child are non-existent as well. They are not helping you with your life they are helping you with your child’s life and they are doing that because of the dead-beat parent who decided to not participate. MANY people negatively judge single parents primarily because MANY people just LOVE to throw stones- as if that’s some sort of constructive contribution to the situation. Really? I’m sure I could use the stones to build a strong foundation but not if I’m dizzy or knocked out because you threw them at my head. You want to throw stones- try handing them to me instead. Then maybe I can be constructive with them. Your parents have to realize, and so do you, that they are not doing YOUR work or caring for YOUR responsibilities the way they did when you were a child. They are caring for the dead-beat parents responsibilities. That’s the person who is obligated to financially provide for your child. That’s the person that’s obligated to share care of the child while you are at work. That person is not doing so and so all that work has to fall on someone else. If you were rich I’m sure you’d hire a nanny but how many of us are Murphy Brown- right? Either way the insurmountable odds stacked against single parents requires that we become BOTH nurturer AND provider and those two things just can’t be done simultaneously. Without the other parent’s assistance – and that’s really the difference between SINGLE parents and ONLY parents, single parents still have that other person around to help. Only parents ONLY have themselves and whatever resources they can come up with- you need help to subsidize for that loose of help. That’s what you’re parents are doing. Making up for the dead-beat. If they’re angry at anyone, they should track him down. Now I realize that in some situations it’s safer for that bio-parent to have ABSOLUTELY no contact, maybe even knowledge of the child. If that is not your case, if it’s not an ABSOLUTE safety issue- then your first step to relieving some of the strain on your parents is to OPEN A CHILD SUPPORT CASE. This does NOT necessarily entitle the bio-parent to visitation. That’s a WHOLE OTHER CASE. But as soon as paternity is established then financial contributions are LEGALLY OBLIGATORY in ALL 50 states! Some states provide for the child until they are 21 instead of 18. Now child support has it’s own issues, which yes, you’ll have to deal with. It’s FAR from a perfect system. BUT at least your parents will see that you’re standing up for them and all the work they’ve been doing. More importantly they’ll see that the work they’ve been doing has been that other person’s work, NOT your work. You’ve been working over time. If they’re treating you the way you describe and talking to you with bitter/hurtful words, it’s because they are angry and frustrated and don’t see that right now. They’re still blaming you for burdening them. You aren’t the one whose work they’re doing. They’re compensating for that other parent who has decided to be MIA. Lay it out for them. FILE with the courts! Stick up for yourself and show your parents you’re NOBODIES door mat.. not theirs and NOT this dead-beats!!!

By: ChopperPapa

ChopperPapa — Wed, 02 May 2012 02:35:00 +0000

Here’s a couple of things for this mom to consider. I am not aware of the living situation that she has, is she living with the parents? If so and she has the ability, even if it would be uncomfortable for a while, she needs to try to find a place of her own. Whether she wants to admit it or not, in many ways she still is their teenage daughter. The mom said it herself that she depends on them including financially. She needs to consider hopping out of the nest even if there may be some unknowns. The longer she stays in her current situation the worse it is likely to become.

Now if disconnecting more directly isn’t an option then she needs to be very clear in her communication, especially her father, that his type of behavior will not be tolerated. I am afraid that this mom is going to have to put her foot down more firmly. And the only way that she can protect her daughter is remover her from the situation.