Comments on: Is this single mom obligated to help her ex financially?

By: Amy Turner @ Credit Donkey

Amy Turner @ Credit Donkey — Fri, 25 May 2012 11:24:14 +0000

If he is that keen to reestablish the relationship, it goes without saying that he should be able to support himself financially, and eventually, his child. I might be wrong but it looks like he’s riding on the child’s sentiments to get back to the good graces of the mother, and perhaps, get something from her?

By: MWC26

MWC26 — Wed, 23 May 2012 02:12:42 +0000

Ok, helping with internet or even buying the absent dad a webcam is a totaly different thing than footing for education exspenses or getting back together with him. Plus you should weigh whether or not this dad’s circumstances is the reason he is absent, or if he is just using it as an excuse. Is he doing all he can to make sure he has a connection with this child, but even his best efforts are not working. Does he keep up with atleast regular calling or emails? If so, then I could justify helping out with a webcamera and maybe even internet to help foster what he is allready doing. However, if he isn’t, I don’t see how paying for it will force him to use it to connect with the child. My ex told me the same stories about money issues, needed a webcam ect, and I did go out and buy one for him to use, it’s been used twice in a 3 year time period. Even though it doesn’t get used, I can atleast tell myself I did what I could, and it gave me a peace of mind. Besides paying for internet could be done so on a trial basis ie: isn’t being used? if not stop paying for it, if does get used to speak with the child then the mom could consider it money well spent. As far as paying for his schooling? I am not sure on that one. For one I don’t think I would trust my ex to use the opportunity to make a better life for himself for my child- that’s something this mother would have to decide if she is comfortable with. If I did even consider it, I would first see how paying for the internet went as a pretrial. Why pay for education exspenses if the dad can’t even keep in contact with his son with free internet? And second why doesn’t this man qualify for a visitor’s visa? I would have to consider whether or not I believed that or if it was just an excuse not to fly and see the child. I would be more apt to help my ex pay for a plane ticket everynow and then if it meant that having his father in his life was the best thing for him rather than footing high cost of education exspenses. But these are all considerations that the mom should look into before just paying for things for him. And as far as getting back together with him, I don’t know. I would like michelle said- consider his possible reasoning. When my ex wanted to get back together with me, I told him he would have to get on the right terms with our son first, and be a better father before I would even think about it as any sort of possibility for the future. It let me see that he didn’t really change before I just jumped in and got dragged through the same hell I had just gotten out of.

By: Lisa Jey Davis

Lisa Jey Davis — Wed, 23 May 2012 01:08:12 +0000

I’ve been the single mom twice in my life (two different dads). I’ve also lived in states where illegal immigration is prevalent, and I know for a fact that there are hard working latin american folks that have done EVERYthing possible under the sun to be with their family because that is of utmost importance. I applaud your wanting to see this as charity, but how long can you continue it before it breeds resentment? If he isn’t asking you to do these things, perhaps it’s not even important enough for him to ask? Trust me – I know latino men. If they have to “stoop” to the level of asking for help, that is HUGE. But if they don’t, and they make no effort whatsoever, well I believe you are encumbering your own life and perhaps inhibiting yourself from moving on – possibly meeting a wonderful man who could be an incredible role model and father figure for your son. That shouldn’t be your goal – but I do believe that some people have to be moved to the back row (or the nose bleed section sometimes) of our “audience” – and be “loved” from a distance. There is no reason why you can’t explain to your son that “daddy is just unable to visit – or call – or whatever” – but do so in a loving way, so your son senses respect. The one thing I did learn from my own situation, however, is sometimes in wanting to promote a healthy relationship between our kids and their dads, our kids are blinded to the real person… the person who wouldn’t move mountains to be with them. My own 16 year old had similar situations at 3 – and I protected him… his dad was a loser and left – and then came back years later… so all that time I protected his idea of his dad saying he was “sick”.. All this now, to see that my son idolizes and behaves in many ways like his dad. So – I suppose all you should do is really try to raise a son who grows into a responsible man who WILL do the right thing – even if he can’t afford it. There are ALWAYS ways. They have libraries. He can get on facebook and try to find people to help who many HAVE Skype – whatever. Where there is a will there is a way. Best of luck to you.

By: susan

susan — Tue, 22 May 2012 08:22:23 +0000

I’m with the others – call me a cynic but it never ceases to amaze me how committed some of these guys suddenly become to parenting when there’s the lure of a bankroll involved.
if he is truly that committed to reuniting the family i wonder if he has suggested she return to central america. i bet not.
and sure, some money for an internet connection might be good for the son – but not if half the conversation is being spent on Papa pleading for a return. that helps noone.
There are so many guys out there who are ”penniless” and unable to support their children – and yet too many (maybe not this guy), of these manage to afford holidays, new vehicles, the latest techno gadgets, courting a new girlfriend and so on.
He needs to man up, no doubt about it.

By: OP

OP — Tue, 22 May 2012 05:52:41 +0000

I’m the OP who wrote in with my story. Thanks for the feedback. Michelle, you’re right–it is “charity.” Is that so bad? My son’s father lives in a country where the average monthly salary is $400 a month. He works 2 jobs and does ok supporting himself and his elderly mother, however citizens of this place are accustomed to going without electricity, annual flooding, limited access to healthcare, violence, etc. “Dad” isn’t asking me for any of these upgrades. I can just see that some investment on my part will help facilitate a relationship for my son. Should I be facilitating this relationship, though? I’m not sure. Every child would like to know their parents, right? But is my son’s dad enough of a “parent” to make this a worthwhile “project?” I’m not well off and agree that we have enough bills of our own, but is it cruel to not help those less fortunate when we have some ability to do so?

By: Honoree Corder

Honoree Corder — Mon, 21 May 2012 21:34:26 +0000

I would provide access to their son, but he is a grown man and the more she “mothers” him, the less likely he is to step up and find a solution. There’s support and encouragement, and then there’s enabling. I believe in doing almost everything you can, but there is a line, and I fear she is dangerously close to crossing it and becoming a martyr who mothers, rather than a mom who supports a positive relationship between her son and his father.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 21 May 2012 21:14:49 +0000

Is he still in Central America? And does his desire to get back together as a family have anything to do with his wanting into the USA? I’m not really clear. His motives matter to me. Because if he is self motivated then really he’s using them both to get what he wants and when he comes state side he’ll probably just run. Even if he stays around he’ll be unfaithful; he always was. I say NO WAY to rekindling a relationship with him. If she wants to front the bill for internet access for him so their son can see him then fine, but nothing more. She’ll have enough bills to front raising a child by herself. Her son’s father is a grown man, he’s responsible for himself. And yes I’d be saying the same thing if the woman was the one who needed money. A custodial, full-time parent should not be considering supporting a non-custodial absent parent. If they do, it’s straight up charity, nothing less.

By: C Lo

C Lo — Mon, 21 May 2012 21:08:24 +0000

Is this man a grown up? Then he can suck it up and make the effort if he wants to be in his sons life.

I am generally a huge advocate of doing whatever you can to foster the relationship if the other parent wants to be involved, but in this case a lot of the effort that the mom would have to do just sounds enabling. If he really wants to be in his sons life, he’ll make it happen. Mom should not have to foot the bill for EVERYTHING for an able bodied adult.