Hi, guys. I’m the mom currently facing this real life situation. First off, thanks for the feedback…it’s difficult to see a situation clearly when your tied up in the middle of it.

ChopperPapa said: “The jealousy, I’m afraid this is the crux of your problem. You should be careful not to let your emotional feelings…cloud how you perceive the relationship as a whole. Yet when you see an issue for what it is and you don’t agree with it you are responsible for addressing it.”

I agree…and that’s the whole problem. How to separate the clouds from the issue so you can see it clearly and make the best decision for your child. I think it’s easier said than done.

Since I first wrote in there have been a number of developments…let me fill you in:

My Ex did finally get in touch with me and it’s taken several conversations to reach an agreement. He believed that he had the right to decide what happens on his parenting time, period. I informed him to check his legal facts – he could not take her himself over state lines – much less send her with a legal stranger – with out my consent. He did his own research and consented that although he thought I was being emotional, he wouldn’t send her if I was uncomfortable with the situation.

(As an aside: I don’t feel that stepping (Momming?) up means I am emotional – and told him so. For heaven’s sake, I am not the one crying at every opportunity! I simply disagreed with him and stated that to him in a private conversation without yelling or crying).

He then asked what it would take for me to be comfortable. I would be most comfortable with him (since he is a legal guardian) going along, and stated that. Apparently, that’s not workable for this trip since it is a Girl’s Only weekend with step-mom, step-mom’s sister and nieces, and step-mom’s mother all attending 6 Flags as a group. No boys aloud.

Eventually, we agreed on the following:

1. We are sending step mom with a signed release authorizing her to get emergency medical care for my daughter along with copies of insurance cards. (This is not something he even thought to do).This does NOT mean she should not contact me if something were to happen.

2. They supplied me with addresses, phone numbers and flight information for where they would be.

3. Step-mom will check in with me daily.

4. Step-mom filled me in on her current medical condition – she is no longer on prescription medication for her back injury but does take the occasional Advil. I have this in writing.

5. In the future, they need to ASK me to weigh in on these decisions…not inform me. I also asked they clear these trips with me farther in advance…we ALL have to travel to see family so, we have been historically good about making trades and change requests to accommodate trips…which have up to this point always included my Ex or myself.

6. Reiterated (I had previously discussed these concerns with my Ex) my stance on corporal punishment and the biological parents being primarily responsible for discipline. He states that spankings were rare and have stopped altogether.

7. Reiterated that I expect to be directly involved in all medical appointments and decisions. Period.

(My Ex disputes that Step-mom has ever taken my daughter to doctor’s appointments alone. I have seen the chart and know what my daughter tells me, so I think he is mistaken. In fact I think he relies on step mom to provide most of the basic care during visitations, so he is negatively reinforcing the boundaries.)

8. Had another conversation about boundaries and what it means to honor his role as father as well as my role as mother.

Interestingly, he has no complaints about my husband’s, step-dad’s, role in my daughter’s life. I think this is because he has carved out a role for himself that looks very different than my Ex’s role, where as Step-mom basically presents herself to the world and me as Mom 2.0.

Thus far, I have only discussed this directly with my Ex. I agree that the next step may involve an all parent meeting. We have had one of these in the past that again, involved tears on Step-mom’s part (we had brought up the issue of possibly moving to a better school district – it was a weird thing to be emotional over since every one else was carrying on a calm conversation about pros and cons). So, these group meetings tend to be very awkward.

I am also weighing the possibility of talking to Step-mom directly.

Had my Ex sent my daughter with Step-mom against my wishes, I would have moved to legal counsel. Hopefully, it will never come to that.

I am not interested in keeping the peace at ALL costs – especially the cost of my daughter’s well being – but neither do I want to let MY emotions cloud my judgement…and make things difficult for my daughter.

I appreciate all your opinions and feedback…

However, there are issues that this mom can have a say in. Medical appointments, corporal punishment and parenting time are all decisions made by parents, not step-parents. She should say no to all of these issues and make it clear that if the situation is not addressed she will seek legal counsel. I would especially take issue with the spanking. That is so not acceptable! And don’t ever compromise to keep the peace, that way leads to resentment and hard feelings.

I agree the mom needs to put her foot down. While legal counsel may sound like the right next step, we can’t forget that walking into an attorney’s office can cost big bucks. She may not be in a position to do that.

Nonetheless, a “no” on the planned trip without her daughter’s father may spur him to have the conversation he seems to be avoiding. If necessary, perhaps a less costly (non-litigious) third party could be used to facilitate discussion – a counselor of some sort.

Another note – keeping records / documenting these instances (particularly with teachers, etc.) provides backup for the mom, should she need legal intervention.

The child’s well-being before all else, including keeping the peace.

My two cents.

Listen, I am all for trying to walk the path of least resistance. I am all for win-win. Mom may have to have a conversation with legal counsel and perhaps structure visitation a bit more.

1. if you don’t want the step to take the child on the trip – say no. First it will spur the dad to call back because he’s going to get a ear full and second you will establish a boundary because you’ll be asked to explain why you won’t allow it and that gives you the opportunity to get things out in the open.

2. As for the the step not bringing the girl home – you’re being dramatic. If you for a moment you actually feel that this woman would still your child, that tells me you’ve either seen something else that tips you off to this fact or you’ve heard about something and either you way you’re letting it continue without it being addressed.

3. The step obviously wants to be a a mother badly and her apparently visible frustration at not being able to conceive tells me that her attachment to your daughter will be reinforced if she is never able to. To mean this is going to be an ongoing internal struggle for you.

4. This woman seems emotionally high-strung. I wouldn’t mistaken that as some anterior motive to step into your place.

5. “Unfortunately, Mom cannot participate as fully in school events.” — The jealousy, I’m afraid this is the crux of your problem. I know because I’ve been and I’m there right now. You should be careful not to let your emotional feelings of her substituting herself for you cloud how you perceive the relationship as a whole. Yet when you see an issue for what it is and you don’t agree with it you are responsible for addressing it.

6. “Keeping the peace” should not be your overriding motive for anything in co-parenting if it truly is an issue that needs to be dealt with.