Comments on: When the bio-dad is your lover – and you’re married

By: parentingdating

parentingdating — Thu, 17 May 2012 13:38:44 +0000

Clo – You are correct. Secrets never stay a secret (well at least of this magnitude). But we have to ask ourselves, HOW many lies were told throughout the course of 12 years? How many times did these two individuals have the chance to do what is right? How many family outings, intimate family moments, family pictures, holidays, student teacher meetings, etc. went by with lies? Thousands of lies were said over the years. Thousands. And who was being protected? These people were not protecting their spouses from the truth. They were protecting themselves from the truth being revealed about them. What troubles me is that in today’s society, people can commit the most selfish, and hurtful acts, and expect tolerance, understanding, and support. My heart goes out to this woman’s husband who will learn that those special moments at the hospital when his kid was born, were tainted by a dark secret that went on for many years. I HOPE he will still love this child. I hope the child can still see this man as his father. I hope as a father/son they will continue to grow and maybe, just maybe, this news will bring them closer. I hope.

By: BigLittleWolf

BigLittleWolf — Wed, 16 May 2012 23:22:34 +0000

@Singlemombooks has an excellent suggestion.

We also don’t know what this mom’s relationship is with her husband, or if she has clues that he may know already. (If she’s carried on an affair for 12+ years with a family friend, it would be surprising if he doesn’t, even if he blocks the reality.)

Professional guidance seems like a good plan, if she has any hope of revealing this paternity to her son in the most gentle way, and allowing him to establish balance in his new identity, including in the different role with the only Dad he’s ever known.

As for the adults? To me, their welfare is secondary, but they’re certainly going to need help and understanding. All of them.

I wish everyone well in this difficult situation.

By: CLo

CLo — Wed, 16 May 2012 22:04:23 +0000

Secrets never stay secret. I see it this way…….every single day you keep this secret is that much more pain you add to whats going to happen.

The truth is that it’s incredibly selfish to keep the secret. It’s completely unfair and unloving not give your husband the choice to stay with you or not. And that’s just going to be the consequences of your action…….he might chose to leave you. And I feel like you need to accept that, or whatever else may happen.

IMHO telling shouldn’t be an option or not. You have to tell. If it were me, I’d think about getting into couples counseling or at least getting that lined up. Then tell your husband. And you guys can make the choice of how and when to tell your son from there.

By: Honoree Corder

Honoree Corder — Wed, 16 May 2012 17:52:42 +0000

Mom, have you thought about finding a trusted advisor — coach or therapist — who can help you uncover your why behind your what? Why are you choosing the behavior, what is your secondary gain, and what do you truly want in your life? Once you discover your driving forces and the patterns that are directing you, you’ll be able to make a clear decision about what to do next.

The answer lies in that process, and only you can make the decision and take the path that is right for you and your son. Your lover and husband are grown-ups, so (in my opinion) your first and foremost concern should be that of your son. He is a child and what is being modeled, told, and shown is what will show up in the rest of his life, and in the lives of his children and grandchildren.

My heart goes out to you, and I commend your courage in speaking up. Best wishes.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:33:02 +0000

Im curious WHY the bio-dad is willing to keep this a secret? Why has this woman maintained an affair for all these years with a man who is not her husband? It seems she is living a lie in more ways than one. No one wins in this situation. “oh what a tangled web we weave….” It would seem to me, whether she comes clean today, tomorrow, or ten years from now, everyone involved will be hurt by this betrayal. There simply is not a good time to tell everyone at this point. The right time would have been 13 years ago, before this little boy was born. I would think the longer she keeps this a secret, the more hurt everyone will be in the end. What a sad story! Good luck!

By: Heather

Heather — Wed, 16 May 2012 13:59:07 +0000

I read once “nothing makes us feel more lonely than the secrets we keep” – anonymous. There are consequences for all of our decisions. She lives with the burden of this secret weighing heavily on her. Truth and love prevail. My humble advice would be to seek out wise and Godly counsel as to how she should tell her son and her husband. Truth always wins and at some point the truth will probably come out (blood tests, future illness, when son becomes a dad, etc…). Seems it will be less destructive if she brings the truth to light rather than having it revealed and then questioned about why…..

I will pray for this mom and her situation. I can feel in the words she writes the heaviness this brings to her heart and ultimately to her home.

By: jen

jen — Wed, 16 May 2012 05:41:30 +0000

That is a really tough one. I think she should end the relationship with the bio-dad if she’s going to stay with her husband. I also think seeking some professional advice about what to do might not hurt. I think at some stage the son needs to know, especially as these ‘secrets’ seem to eventually come to light in the end. Good luck!