We’ve noticed a trend among in our single parent community. And we wonder if you’ve noticed the same thing: single parents give cell phones to their kids at younger ages than married parents do.

This isn’t because single parents are more indulging, or because we’ve caved into our kids’ pleas: “I need a cell phone!” Single parents tell us that they’re getting phones for their kids for this reason: their own peace of mind.

In other words, you tell us: “I didn’t get the phone for my kid. I got it for ME.”

Typically, kids today lead hectic lives — and your kids are no exception. Some of your kids spend time away from home, often long distance with the other parent. Many of your kids are in after-school programs, or they get picked up by another parent at the end of the school day. Your tween or teen might now take public transportation. Or, maybe you don’t trust the sitter your ex hired.

Some of us remember putting a quarter into the payphone on the corner when we needed to call our parents. Well, those days are over. So, when our kids need to contact us, we want them to have a way. And, just as importantly, we want to be able to check in with our kids to make sure they’re safe.

One single mom frankly told us why she got a cell phone for her third grader: “I want my daughter to get in the habit of checking in with me early on, before she becomes a teen.”

We’re curious:

Did you get a cell phone for your kids? How old were they when they got the phone?

Do you have a limited plan on your kids’ phones? Say, without texting? Or, maybe your kids’ phones only have programmed phone numbers for an emergency?

If you’re holding off on getting a cell phone for your kids, we’d like to hear why.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: ilovedeer

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Single dads are valued members of our Singlemommyhood community. So, when this divorced dad with a tween daughter contacted us via Facebook to share a parenting dilemma, we instantly thought of YOU to offer this devoted dad some advice.

Here’s the situation:

“A couple of months ago, I started dating a woman, and I think I’m falling hard for her,” he confided.

Of course, there’s a back story: This dad always vowed to keep his parenting and dating lives separate — and for the past few years, that’s exactly what he has done. But now that his daughter is twelve years old, she’s becoming oh-so-perceptive. Although his parenting time is limited — he only sees his daughter every other weekend — she recently “caught” him chatting on his cell phone with the new woman in his life.

Of course, his daughter wanted to know with whom he was speaking.

This dad was honest and told his tween daughter that he had a “new lady friend.” But he was caught off guard when his daughter replied that she wanted to meet her — immediately. *Gulp*

This single dad still has strong feelings about NOT introducing his child to his new love interest — after all, they’ve only been dating, not exclusively — for a couple of months.

“It’s my decision as a parent not to involve my daughter in my private life — at least right now,” he explained. “But I can’t help but feel a little guilty about saying ‘no’ to my daughter’s request.”

So, this conflicted single dad is asking for YOUR advice.

Do you agree with his parenting choice NOT to introduce his daughter to the woman he’s dating?

Or is Dad setting an unhealthy example of secrecy that will likely backfire?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: rod lewis

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When soon-to-be-single mom Victoria Ballard (pictured above) was told that her 18-month-old son, Joseph, had cerebral palsy, she feared that her household would fall apart. Fortunately, Victoria took that fear and turned it into something very positive.

“At the time, I felt very unsure about the future,” Victoria says. “So, I decided to make a reward chart to give us a focus. It helped us monitor my son’s steps and feel good about his progress. We also used the chart to teach him to share nicely and use the potty.”

Victoria –who’s a graphic designer — was also pregnant with her daughter, Thea. “So, the chart covered being a nice big brother, too. It played a huge role in our house: Joseph loved to earn the rewards — and show friends and family how well he was doing.”

In the meantime, Victoria became a single mom. “The idea to make this chart didn’t just come from a very personal need,” Victoria adds.

“My marriage was breaking down, too. I felt like I had little control of anything, except my for my idea. So, whenever the kids napped, or after they went to bed, I worked hard to improve the design, and research materials and packaging. This project was my escapism.”

In a very short time, Victoria’s mom friends were asking if they could get her charts for their homes, too. “Many of my friends asked me to make charts that covered different topics, like mealtimes or giving up a pacifier. That’s when I realized that parents needed the flexibility to customize to their own child’s needs.”

In 2004, Victoria made her dream official: she launched The Victoria Chart Company LLC. She now has a full range of products to support families through their children’s life stage developments — and she’s recognized as an expert in the field of positive development in children.

“I have continued to develop my company as a single parent, which hasn’t been easy, but it has been my choice it’s empowering. I attribute the success of The Victoria Chart Company because the idea came to me at such a shatteringly low time. I was so desperate for something to go right.”

The Victoria Charts are eye-catching, age specific, and simple to use. They bring calm to home life, and the detailed instructions remind parents to focus on their kids’ positive achievements.

Just in time for back to school, Victoria is offering to give away her charts to THREE of our readers!

We know that so many of you face similar challenges, such kids’ stress when you’re co-parenting and bedtime anxiety.

Here’s how to enter:

Just leave a comment to let us know: What’s the TOUGHEST parenting challenge in your family right now?

(Contest is open through Friday, September 2, at 9 p.m. EST. Three winners will be chosen by Random.org)

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We’ve gone on the record about the importance of education for both YOU and your kids. Dr. Leah went back to school as a single mama while parenting her two young kids solo.

It was NOT easy…. but that was her dream. And, of course, these credentials made a crucial difference in how she was able to provide financially for herself and her kids

So, we know (first hand) how frantic every day life can get: working and parenting can be overwhelming.

So, we’re really impressed when we find single parents who are going back to school on top of everything else!  (Not to mention the fact that you show up as a single parent for own kids’ classes.)

That’s why we’re inviting you to tell us if you’re back in school right now … or considering it?

Please share:

Are you back in school?

Maybe you’re in the planning stages?

Or just thinking about what you might like to study?

~~~~

(Photo via Flickr: grandeallegro)

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We know that many of you are dating — or thinking about dating again.  We’ve chatted about how dating changes when you’re a single parent. And you’ve let us know that balancing your private life with responsible parenting is a challenge — and you’re definitely up for it.

This mama — who asked to remain anonymous — became single when she was pregnant.  We were honored to hear that she’d read both of our books — The Complete Single Mother and Single Mom Seeking — as she made some very tough emotional decisions.

After finding out that her husband had been having an affair, she decided to move closer to home and family. She was soon solo parenting a newborn and getting a divorce.

“But after my ex was served with papers, he told me that he wanted to work things out,” she tells us. “I believed it/wanted it/remained suspicious — but I clung to that idea that I’d have a ‘real’ family. ”

So, she uprooted herself — again — with her six-week-old daughter to try to work things out.  Right away, it was clear that not much had changed. Emotionally, he was distant. He wasn’t helping her financially and she had a hard time finding a job. Clearly, he was not committed to working things out. So, when she received a job offer, she decided to move back home again.

“In the meantime, my ex has since fathered a child with his girlfriend,” she confided, “Yes, it’s the same woman he was having an affair with when we were married.”

This mama tried to fast track her divorce action. Her attorney advised her, however, that she needed to reside in her home state for a year before she can file. Despite the legal snags and delay, she “feels divorced” — and wants to move ahead and get a life.

“I’m very ready to date again,” she told us. “That’s a given. But I’m not sure how honest I need to be before I actually meet a guy in person. I don’t want to have to tell a guy that I am not yet divorced until I know that I want to date him,” she explained. “I don’t want my separation status to be the subject of first date conversation.”

She has already learned the hard way that TMI — revealing too much too early –  is a big turn off. “Yet, I want to be honest about what happened,” she said, “to explain why I’m no longer with the father of my child.”

Many of you have emphatically told us that dating someone separated — especially if this person isn’t honest about his/her relationship status — only leads to heartbreak.

Frankly, we can see both sides of this dating quandary. So, we’d love to hear from you:

Have you dated when you were just separated?

Did you volunteer your “separated” status on your online profile or first date?

Or, did you wait until you were confident the relationship had possibilities?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: sbrimbillina

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“I need a single mama intervention.” That’s how an urgent message began recently, via our Facebook page.

We read this single mom’s note right away, and nodded our heads as we understood how emotional she was. We’ve been there, and we have a feeling that many of you will relate, too.

Here’s what happened:

When this woman told her boyfriend two years ago that she was pregnant, he split town. She faced this break up during her pregnancy by planning for the future. As her belly grew, she focused on her career, her home, and her family.  She also did her best to redirect the anger she felt towards her son’s absent father.

“After my son was born, I called his father and asked him to sign the birth certificate,” she says. “But he refused.”

She feels very proud of being a solo parent for more than two years now. She pays the bills and the rent. Her family dotes on her son. Her divorced, co-parenting girlfriends love to remind her, “You’re so lucky our ex is out of the picture.”

Still, sometimes — especially when she’s lonely — she can’t help but think about her ex. Where did he run off to? What is he doing these days? Isn’t he the least bit curious about his child? Usually, her mind creates an image of him living in grief.

This curiosity is what led this single mom to Google her ex. And what she found made her see red.

She discovered the first mention of her ex in a recent blog post written by a woman who’d met her ex — he’s an artist — when he was painting. The blogger used the word “cool” two times to describe her ex, and went on to say how “great” her ex was. This same post is what led this mom to find her ex’s new professional website — in which he writes about his recent gallery exhibits and inspirations.

“He has never met his son,” this solo mom says. “He has never paid a cent of child support. And now he’s going on and on about how all the life adventures he’s having?”

“I’m so mad,” she goes on. “I want the world to know that he’s NOT the great artist he says that he is. He’s an irresponsible, heartless man!”

She adds:”I want to leave a comment on this blog, and tell everyone that he’s a selfish man who leaves the mother of his child. What should I do?”

Please help this solo mom:

Have you ever Googled your ex?

If so, what did you find out?

Did you also find information that infuriated you?

If so, how did you respond?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Baron Squirrel

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A new reader recently came to our site because she wanted to read more about when to introduce your kids to someone you’re dating. When this single mom wrote to us offline to share her dilemma with us, however, it threw us for a loop. Here’s why:

This divorced mom has been dating a divorced dad for more than one year now. They each have two teenagers. She got divorced when her kids were little, and he got divorced two years ago. So, what’s the problem?

As their relationship grew deeper and more serious, this single mom decided to introduce her kids to her boyfriend. He seemed open and excited about taking this step. Yet months later, when she asked her boyfriend about getting the chance to meet his kids, he said, “Not yet.”

At first, this single mom thought that Dad just wanted to follow his kids’ leads. Maybe his children weren’t ready to meet the new girlfriend? But when she broached the subject again with him, he told her: “My ex-wife and I have talked about it: our kids are still feeling upset about the divorce, and it’s good idea to rush into anything–”

Excuse me?

“I told him that I understand how hard this must be for his kids — because I have two kids the same age,” this single mom went on. “But still, I can’t help but wonder if something else is going on. I mean, they signed the divorce papers two years ago!”

Moreover, this single mom’s own kids have started to ask their Mom: “Why he doesn’t invite us over for dinner so we can meet his kids?”

She wants to give her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his kids really do need more time to open up to the fact that their Dad has a girlfriend?

But still, this single mom added: “I could really use some help on this one to get more perspective.”

Dads, we encourage you to please chime in, too!

~~~

Photo via Flickr: dhammza

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Many of us (our hands are raised …) can relate to the confusion, panic, and despair that’s inevitable when a spouse or partner announces that the marriage is over — especially when the news is totally unexpected.

A distraught husband and father recently wrote to us after hearing just that kind of news:

“My wife announced two days ago — out of nowhere — that she’d met her soul mate. And now she is filing for divorce.”

“She packed her things the next morning when our nine year-old boy and 13 year-old daughter were at school,” he added.

So far, this dad has made up excuses to explain their mother’s absence. He’s still reeling from the shock. And, frankly, he doesn’t know what to say to the kids. His soon-to-be ex has suggested that he tell the kids: “Mom and Dad simply drifted apart.”

This dad strongly believes that the kids deserve to know the truth.

Honestly, we don’t agree — at least for now.

Here’s why: Sadly, what kids deserve — and what life dishes out — are seldom the same thing. These kids do deserve (and Dad can do his best to make this happen) to be treated with as much respect and sensitivity as humanly possible during this terrible experience.

Here’s our top tips … when you’re *suddenly* a single dad:

1. Listen to Your Own Feelings. You didn’t expect to be told that your wife was leaving you for someone else. You are not unexpected to handle this life crisis alone. Seek out a psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you. You probably feel your wife needs therapy (lots), but you’re the one trying to cope with the fall-out from her choices. You deserve a safe place to sort out your feelings.

2. Protect the Kids. It’s tempting to tell the kids the lurid details of your wife’s affair. We understand. But, what do you expect them to do with this information? Especially if you have a teenager, information about adult sexual behavior (or misbehavior) will only add to the natural confusion and uncertainty of puberty.

3.Try to Get Organized. Your wife might be in la-la land, but the kids still need clean clothes and nutritious  meals. Use the resources you have to keep daily life on track. Ask your family for help, if they live nearby. Neighbors and friends will gladly rescue — at least temporarily — a domestically challenged man.

4. Seal your lips. Resist the urge to tell all to anyone who will listen. You don’t want to be the topic of neighborhood gossip. A simple statements like “My wife and I are no longer together; the washing machine is a mystery to me” will get you the practical help you need. No one has the right to know (or can really understand) the pain you’re feeling right now.

5. Pay Back Is Not Fair Play. It’s natural that you’re considering having an affair, too. Wanting revenge is not surprising.  Unfortunately, random hook-ups motivated by “pay back” will only bring exactly more of what you’re dealing with now: confusion and chaos.

We’d love to hear your excellent advice for this *suddenly* single dad.

Did you *suddenly* become a single parent?

If so, what’s your best advice to this struggling newly single dad?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: lammeltron

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We’ve chatted lots lately about bio-dad issues. And we thought — for now — that we’d pretty much covered legal issues like child support and custody. You let us know that deciding whether to reveal (or not) to the bio-dad’s family that a new addition has arrived is a decision you do not take lightly. And coping with your own demanding parents can be nothing short of a hot mess.

So, when a solo mom approached us with her bio-dad quandary, we felt confident that the conversation about her dilemma had already begun. However, as this questioning mama shared her story, we had to admit: we were intrigued.

Here’s the situation: this reader suffered through a painful pregnancy break-up. The bio-dad has never met his daughter. This total rejection of her daughter has inflicted a deep emotional wound on this mama. Court-ordered child support is this former couple’s only bond. Just to make this abandonment drama even more painful, Bio-dad got married on his daughter’s birthday. And his new wife gave birth to twins just two days after their daughter’s birthday.

Candidly, this mama is riled up — and upset. She wonders if these “same day” events are just a sad coincidence. Or more like a deliberate plan.

So, this mama is hoping to hear your thoughts:

Did this father choose his wedding date deliberately to overshadow the date as his daughter’s birthday?

Was the twins’ birthday somehow planned to again overshadow their daughter?

Do you think his wife played a BIG role in selecting the dates? If so, what’s her motive?

~~~

Photo courtesy of Joe Batluck

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