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10 top signs you’re wasting your time with the wrong guy

Dr. Leah — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 16:55:59 +0000

We’re on the record: dating is for grown-ups. And nothing is crazier than the dating scene. Whether you’re still seeing your ex [no judgments] or content with a friend with benefits, only you should make the rules in your life. As responsible parents, however, we must contend with non-negotiable jam packed schedules. So, whether you want a forever love or just crave some *adult* fun, you’ve got to juggle conflicting demands. Wasting time is just not an option.

So, here are our 10 top signs that you’re wasting your time . . .

Sign #1 – A voice mail message does not make you feel warm and happy [yes: that kind of warm . . .]

Sign #2 – A provocative text message does not distract you — even at the predictably boring staff meeting.

Sign # 3 – Picking up his call on your cell does not interrupt your work. You keep plugging on that pile of paperwork.

Sign #4 - Date night finds you wishing you were sharing mac ‘n cheese with your kids. Kid snuggles on the couch seems like a perfect evening.

Sign #5 – When you’re out for the evening, you pick his brain about work. Your head is buzzing with career priorities — not romance.

Sign #6 – You can’t visualize him as a date at your friend’s wedding next month — even if that means you have to go alone.

Sign #7 – His funniest story does not make you laugh.

Sign #8 – Your first kiss was a disappointment you can’t shake.

Sign #9 – You wore your sexiest undies to work on Wednesday — for no reason.

Sign #10 – When you tell your girlfriends about him, your voice lacks enthusiasm. You can’t conjure up anything exciting to share.

Of course, we’d love to hear from you . . .

What’s your #1 sign that you’re wasting your precious time with someone whose just not right for you?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Anna!

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Should this single dad try to date his son’s teacher?

Dr. Leah — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:12:09 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community is divided over our kids’ use of social media. And that’s OK. Some of you resist your kid’s pleas for a Facebook page. Other parents chose to monitor social media. Recently, we heard from a single dad seeking advice on a dating – or not – dilemma involving his thirteen year-old son and Facebook. Struck by the complexities of this sticky parenting quandary, we really need your advice.

Here’s the story:

“My son couldn’t wait to tell me that his math teacher had a Facebook page. And that was just the beginning,” this dad confided. “My son pulled up her Facebook page. Eagerly, he pronounced his teacher *hot* and urged me to ask her out.”

Of course, because his son isn’t Facebook friends with this particular teacher, Dad couldn’t see her entire profile. But, after seeing a glimpse of her profile photo, Dad did not deny this: she looked stunning in a frankly provocative outfit.

Still, Dad wonders how to respond to his son’s well-intentioned suggestion. Dad never thought of his kid’s school as a pick-up spot. Yet, this Facebook profile photo seemed to invite something more than the typical parent/teacher relationship.

So, Dad is looking for advice from other single parents.

Is trying to date your kid’s teacher an irresponsible parenting choice?

Is the potential for fall-out on your kid just too big a risk?

Or is this a narrow minded view?

If you’re a teacher, what’s your social media policy with students and parents?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Sean MacEntee

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When a married mom worries about a step mom’s boundaries

Dr. Leah — Mon, 28 May 2012 13:50:41 +0000

Every time we open a conversation about co-parenting challenges you honor us with your frank comments. Whether co-parents clash over homework or scheduling conflicts, successful co-parenting is a tough slog. We get it.

So, when this married mom contacted us with a dilemma we’ve never discussed, we rushed to get your advice.

Here’s the situation:

“My ex and I are divorced. And we’re both remarried. We have a seven year-old daughter,” she explained. “I’ve tried to create a harmonious blended family, but I’ve got serious issues with my daughter’s step-mom’s boundaries.”

This step mom cries a lot. Sadly, she’s been unable to conceive – and tears up when babies are mentioned. She has openly shared other medical issues – including back pain – and takes daily medication. Parenting time transitions are difficult. This step mom cries – and the little girl gets weepy, too. Shockingly, this step mom also spanks this little girl – even when her father is present. And she also takes it upon herself to take this little girl to doctor’s appointments without informing Mom or Dad.

This mom recently heard quite the story from other parents at school.This step mom broke down in front of a group of parents and teachers because prior obligations potentially prevented her from attending the class play. The teacher – unglued by her emotional display – arranged for the step mom to attend a closed dress rehearsal.

Strikingly, when her daughter was enrolled, everyone assumed the step mom was the biological mom – she’s always at school and volunteers at every opportunity. Unfortunately, Mom cannot participate as fully in school events. She works overtime to pay the private school tab. Of course, this makes Mom feel uncomfortable – and jealous.

Incredibly, Mom has never confronted this weepy step mom. Several weeks ago she had a long conversation with her ex. He seemed baffled by what Mom had shared about the step mom’s boundary issues.

Events have taken a worrisome turn. This step mom is asking Mom to rearrange the summer parenting time schedule so that her daughter can travel by airplane to visit the step mom’s family. Her ex will not accompany them. She’s contacted her ex via email asking to discuss this proposed trip, but he hasn’t responded.

“I have major concerns about this trip,” she emphatically stated. “Of course, there are logistical issues. I don’t know where they will stay or how to reach them.”

More importantly, this mom wonders about this step mom’s emotional stability. Her inner voice warns her that something is just not right with this travel request. She fears that the step mom may somehow not bring her little girl home. At the same time, she weighs approving the trip just to keep the peace.

This mom is looking for your feedback:

What’s your take on this step mom’s behavior?

Can Mom trust this step mom to take care of her little girl?

Did it also occur to you that this step mom may not bring this little girl home?

Or is Mom reacting a bit dramatically to this proposed trip?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: John Kittelsssrud

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Is this single mom facing a break-up at serious risk?

Dr. Leah — Thu, 24 May 2012 16:10:08 +0000

We all understand break-up drama. As responsible parents, your priority is to protect the kids from the inevitable emotional turmoil. Of course, we also offer comfort and advice to YOU when the struggle to pick up the pieces seems just too overwhelming. When a single mom facing a break-up shared what’s really going on in her life, we wanted your advice on a situation that – frankly – stunned us.

Here’s what’s happening:

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for over four years. And we have a beautiful daughter who will be two years-old very soon,” she explained. “I thought about breaking-up during my pregnancy, but he talked me out of it.”

Things have never been quite right in their relationship. And now she just doesn’t feel anything for him anymore. Despite her desire to move on she acknowledges that breaking up is SO hard. This mama worries about child custody. Her employment prospects – right now – are limited. And she wonders how to collect child support. If they break-up, she’ll move in with her parents. These are real worries. And we get it.

Here’s what stunned us: Recently, her boyfriend accused her of cheating. Her boyfriend threatened, “I’m debating whether or not to put a bullet in your head,” she told us in a rather of matter of fact way. She denies that he’s physically abused her.

Frankly, we’ve got strong feelings about what this mama should do – right now. But, you’re the real experts here.

So, we’re asking you to chime in with some level-headed advice.

Do you see her boyfriend’s statement as a strong warning that she and her baby should move out right away?

Or are we overreacting?

Should this mom stay put and explore her options with child support and custody?

[Personal experiences are respected here. Please share]

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Thomas Hawks

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Is this single mom obligated to help her ex financially?

Dr. Leah — Mon, 21 May 2012 16:03:17 +0000

We’ve talked often in our Singlemommyhood community about the confusion and heartache absent parents inflict on our kids – and us. Our conversation about keeping secrets from your kids about the other parent resonated strongly with you. And you’ve let us know – loud and clear – that you make tremendous efforts *applause* to keep the other parent a viable presence in your kids’ lives. So, when this single mom asked for advice about her financial issues with her kid’s absent dad, our first thought was to share her situation with YOU.

Here’s what’s happening:

“I appreciated all the thoughtful comments in the Do I have a daddy post,” she began. “I’m struggling with my role and obligation to provide my son with access to his father. Our son is three years-old. And it seems to me that I should – as long as his father is interested – help sustain a relationship between our son and his daddy.”

Unfortunately, however, it’s almost entirely up to this mom to keep the father-son relationship active. She and her ex met while she was working in Central America. They dated for a while and tried to make things work. Right now, he does not qualify for even a visitor’s visa – even if he had the money to buy an airline ticket. His poverty status means he pays no child support. Dad is able to call and view video. He is unable to send video because he has no camera, insufficient bandwidth, and other money related tech issues.

Helping Dad financially to stay more connected with their son is an option. Paying for a faster Internet connection and a camera is a possibility. Bankrolling further education so Dad can get a better job is also not off the table. The real stumbling block is that she and her ex never married because he wasn’t faithful and refused to commit. She gave up trying to make the relationship work – right after their son’s second birthday. Now, however, Dad asserts that all he wants is to get back together as a family. And he won’t stop emailing, calling and hounding to rehash their failed relationship. So, when Dad calls to visit with his son for about an hour a week, these calls always include an unwanted effort to rekindle their relationship.

This single mom – looking ahead - is unsure about her financial obligations:

Should she ignore Dad’s pleas to reconnect and finance tech upgrades – and possibly more education - for their son’s sake?

Or should this mom focus on her own financial goals?

[Saving for their son's college education is her #1 goal]

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Meg Reyes

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When the bio-dad is your lover – and you’re married

Dr. Leah — Tue, 15 May 2012 17:38:47 +0000

Just in case you’re new here: our Singlemommyhood community embraces everyone – married, single, or anything in between. We share what’s really going on in our lives. We count on one another to listen – and unselfishly share heart felt advice. So, when a married mom contacted us with a terrible dilemma, we took a deep breath – and rushed to share her situation with you.

Here’s what this married mom told us:

“I’ve searched for a safe and supportive forum to discuss my very personal dilemma,” she began. “I’ve been married for twenty years. My son is twelve years-old – and my husband is not his biological father.”

This mom has been involved with a family friend – on and off – for many years. This lover is her son’s bio-dad. He knows this truth – and both of them have agreed to keep the truth secret. Of course, this secret grows more burdensome every day. As her son matures, he more closely resembles his bio-dad in appearance and mannerisms. It’s possible that her son may figure out the truth. Her husband – she doesn’t want a divorce – also can’t fail to notice the physical resemblance.

Ideally, she’d like to make the choice that would hurt her son, husband, and lover the least. She concedes that her lover has the least to lose. After all, he already knows that he’s the bio-dad. He does stand to lose her – if she decides their relationship must end.

So, it’s time for this mom to make life changing decisions. And she needs your “tough love” advice:

Do you believe her son has the right to know his biological father’s true identity?

If so, how does this mom start to reveal this stunning truth?

Is there any way for this mom to lessen the inevitable emotional devastation her son and husband will suffer?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Angie017

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You’re a GREAT mom. Tell us why.

Dr. Leah — Fri, 11 May 2012 20:58:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community was created to provide parents – no matter how their families originated – the 24/7 comfort and support we all deserve. We honor every mother in our community. We get it – you’re juggling demanding careers, returning to school, inflexible budgets, inconsistent childcare, complicated dating situations, challenging family relationships, inadequate child support, difficult exes, erratic parenting time schedules, and so much more.

We’re in awe of everything you accomplish – and very proud of YOU.

We’ve come to know some of you very well — through your generous comments, Tweets, and emails. That said, there’s so much more that we wish we knew about you.

We’re eager to hear more about who you are.

So, please take a break ... tell us why you are a GREAT Mom.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Carla W.

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3 tips to help the kids through your break-up

Dr. Leah — Sat, 05 May 2012 12:31:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting. When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip. A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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When grandparent behavior upsets a single mom

Dr. Leah — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:00:05 +0000

When the Singlemommyhood community shares personal truth about how our parents are involved – or not – in our daily lives, our challenges are obviously quite different. Some of us get lots of help from our parents. Other parents withhold help because they don’t agree with our choices and demand we confront a relationship partner we’d rather forget. Frankly, we know there are many troubling issues related to your own parents – and in-laws – that we’ve not discussed. So, when this single mom contacted us with a troubling parent issue, we rushed to share her thorny dilemma with you.

Here’s what this single mom shared with us:

“I’m a twenty-seven year-old never-been-married mother of a four year-old daughter. The bio-dad is not – never has been – involved,” she volunteered. “My parents have been quite generous. My mother lived with us when my maternity leave ended so that my daughter didn’t need day care immediately. Financially, they’ve helped with expenses. And I’m grateful.”

This mom values extended family relationships – especially since this little girl’s father is absent from her life. Unfortunately, her parents view this mom and her daughter as their children – not a separate family. Practically speaking, this means that her mom and dad behave towards their daughter – and granddaughter – just as they did when this mom was growing up.

This mom’s parents do and say things that threaten to destroy trust. Specifically, these grandparents routinely yell, guilt trip, and name call. Her dad has called her “slut” and “brain damaged” in front of her daughter. Eventually, he apologizes. Such words – as we all know - are emotionally damaging. Dad has never spoken to his granddaughter in this way, but overhearing such words is simply not healthy.

This single mom now faces a terrible dilemma. Her parents are her closest and most dependable supporters. And her daughter has forged strong bonds with her grandparents. But, her parents create – at a minimum – an atmosphere of negative self-worth. This is not how this mom wants to raise her daughter. She well understands the emotional damage her parents’ behavior inflicts.

So, this conflicted single mom needs YOUR advice:

Can you relate to the issues she faces with her parents?

Is it possible to keep her parents an integral part of her daughter’s life despite their questionable behavior?

If so, what steps can this mom take to protect her daughter from the emotional damage her parents inflict?

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: Lotus Carroll

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Whose last name do your kids have?

Dr. Leah — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:33:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community offers everyone an opportunity to discuss – with no judgment – emotionally charged issues that really matter. You’ve weighed in on unwanted co-parenting and facing the future when your baby’s father is absent. These conversations highlight how much YOU value making decisions that feel “right” for your family. A conversation about deciding your kids’ last names is a long overdue.

Here’s why: making a decision about your kids’ last names is a big issue for many of you. After all, a last name is more than just a legacy – it carries much weight when it comes to relationships and family. Post-divorce name changes are common, but so emotionally charged. In some families, kids may have different last names because they have different dads.

Everyone takes a different path to settle on the “right” last name choice. I kept my married name even after my kids’ father left us for good. I wanted to change my own name back to my birth name. But, after much thought, I decided against it. My work references were in my married name – and I was afraid to risk any confusion when prospective employers called my references.

Sharing the same last name as my kids also meant much less explaining – especially when filling out those pesky school forms. Frankly, I thought – fleetingly - about changing my kids’ names to my birth name. However, my son – Andrew – had already mastered spelling and printing “Klungness” – no small feat in kindergarten. So, changing his last name would have been confusing and upsetting to him. That truth clinched the last name decision for me.

We’d love to hear about your kids’ last name(s):

Whose last name(s) do your kids’ have?

Do they carry your birth name? Your ex’s name? Or did you hyphenate?

How did you decide what last name was “right” for your kids?

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: JeriCams 94

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