Here’s what this mom told us:

“My three-year-old son is now that the age where he really thinks about things — and is asking questions. He wants to know why and how, and he has recently started to ask about Santa Claus. For the past two Christmases, my ex and I have split Santa Claus,” she explained. “We’ve told our son that he visits both houses — one on Christmas Eve, and the other on Christmas morning.”

So far, this has worked. Their son knows that Santa Claus is the fat man with a beard and a red suit. But their son’s sense of time – like all kids his age – is really sketchy. Soon, however, their son might wonder how Santa Claus can possibly get to both Mom and Dad’s homes on consecutive days. Other kids at day care may tell him that Santa Claus only leaves presents one time.

Luckily, this mom and dad co-parent effectively. So they’ve chatted about how to deal with Santa Claus’ impending arrival. But they’re both a bit stumped.

So, this co-parenting mom and dad are reaching out to YOU for advice:

How do you handle Santa Claus’ visits – if  your child has two homes?

Should these co-parents  just stick to what’s been working  — Santa Claus visits both houses?

Or, should they change their Santa Claus routine to one visit -  so their son’s Christmas experience matches his day care friends?

(Photo via Flickr: saltycotton)

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We get it: the homework load increases every year. And your work schedules are more hectic than ever. So, when this single mom contacted us to ask for specific advice on homework, we knew it was time to open up this conversation.

“I read so much conflicting advice about homework. And, honestly, these ‘experts’ really have no clue about the ‘doing it all’ challenge that’s part of every single parent’s life,” she says.“And, in my situation, there’s also a co-parenting conflict.”

This mom’s school-aged kids do homework alone in a quiet place – usually at their desks in their rooms. She feels this cuts down on the distractions, especially since she’s got a noisy toddler, too. She meticulously checks every assignment. And she  insists that every assignment the kids turn in is perfect. Backpacks are also checked before the kids leave for school.

Her ex – they have shared custody – lets the kids do homework at his kitchen table. Music plays in the background. He feels this homework set-up lets the kids ask him questions immediately, if they get stuck. And he does not check the homework. The kids also load up their own backpacks.

Right now, the kids seem to handle these different homework approaches without huge difficulty. Still, this mom wonders if there’s a *best way* to tackle her kids’ homework. Or, if her kids would find things easier if she and Dad got on the same page with handling homework?

So, this mom would LOVE to hear from other single parents …

What’s your approach to homework?

Do you closely monitor your kids’ homework?

Or do you take a more casual approach?

Are these co-parents doing their kids a disservice by not handling homework in the same way?

We’d love to hear from dads on this important kid issue. Please chime in.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Christel Hendrix

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Halloween is one of our favorite holidays. Do you feel the same way?

Dr. Leah doles out LOTS of candy every year. Halloween is a huge party in her neighborhood. Rachel still loves to trick-or-treat with kids as soon as the sun sets.

The only challenge this year is that Halloween falls on a school night. They’ll be lots of tired and sugar-charged kids the next day. How you handle all the candy chaos is definitely your parenting choice. We know that many of you have definite feelings about limiting – or not – your kids’ candy consumption.

We’d love to hear all about your Halloween plans.

How do you celebrate Halloween at your house?

Will your kids dress up? Do you dress up?

Do you have “candy rules” — if so, what are they?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Bindlegrim

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We’ve had many conversations about how to answer our kids’ absent dad questions. We get it: these emotional conversations are tough.  Many of us — our hands are raised — struggle with how to shield our kids from the harsh truth when they ask about their dad.  So, when this single mom shared her parenting dilemma, we understood just how much this mom needs YOUR advice.

Here’s the situation:

“My son’s father and I broke up when I got pregnant,” she says. “He’s now five years old, and he has never seen his father.”

Even so, her son has asked who his daddy is — and why his daddy doesn’t see him. She tries her best to help him understand that his father’s choice has nothing to do with him. Mom doesn’t try to make excuses, either.

In the meantime, this mom has been in an exclusive relationship for the past three years. Her boyfriend treats her son well. And her son adores him.

Her son keeps asking over and over if he can call her boyfriend “Daddy” After all, he’s really the only father figure he has ever known.

They’ve talked about her son’s deep feelings for her boyfriend. Still, he isn’t completely sure if he wants to be a father to her child. And he wonders if he can ever feel the same way about her son, the way he imagines he would feel about his own biological child.

This mom is unsure about how best to respond to her son’s pleadings.

Should she encourage her son to call her boyfriend “Daddy”?

And, is it really such a big deal? Maybe this change will strengthen the bond between her boyfriend and her son?

Or should she NOT allow her son to call her boyfriend “Daddy”?

After all, this boyfriend seems less than committed to a paternal role in her child’s life. 

~~~

Photo via Flickr: travelinfool55

This week, Dr. Leah is quoted at Parenting in a post by Christine Coppa about her “light bulb moment” with parental abandonment. Be sure to check out the post here!

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We’ve noticed a trend among in our single parent community. And we wonder if you’ve noticed the same thing: single parents give cell phones to their kids at younger ages than married parents do.

This isn’t because single parents are more indulging, or because we’ve caved into our kids’ pleas: “I need a cell phone!” Single parents tell us that they’re getting phones for their kids for this reason: their own peace of mind.

In other words, you tell us: “I didn’t get the phone for my kid. I got it for ME.”

Typically, kids today lead hectic lives — and your kids are no exception. Some of your kids spend time away from home, often long distance with the other parent. Many of your kids are in after-school programs, or they get picked up by another parent at the end of the school day. Your tween or teen might now take public transportation. Or, maybe you don’t trust the sitter your ex hired.

Some of us remember putting a quarter into the payphone on the corner when we needed to call our parents. Well, those days are over. So, when our kids need to contact us, we want them to have a way. And, just as importantly, we want to be able to check in with our kids to make sure they’re safe.

One single mom frankly told us why she got a cell phone for her third grader: “I want my daughter to get in the habit of checking in with me early on, before she becomes a teen.”

We’re curious:

Did you get a cell phone for your kids? How old were they when they got the phone?

Do you have a limited plan on your kids’ phones? Say, without texting? Or, maybe your kids’ phones only have programmed phone numbers for an emergency?

Instead of buying expensive phones, do you just search for free cell phones to give to your kids?

If you’re holding off on getting a cell phone for your kids, we’d like to hear why.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: ilovedeer

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“I absolutely LOVE being a single mom,” began an email from Issa Mas at SinglemamaNYC who contacted us to discuss a stubborn co-parenting dilemma. Like many of you, this mama copes with difficult co-parenting challenges. She has  hit a wall, however, with this latest kid challenge.

We’re stumped. Please help out this terrific single mom. Here’s what Issa shared with us:

“My almost four year-old son returns from his dad’s house super aggressive and disrespectful,” she began.

Issa son’s has a seven year-old half brother, and here’s why she attributes her son’s behavior to him: this brother is disrespectful to his own mother.  Sadly, he has not been taught the skills to manage his anger and frustration.  Issa’s son is mesmerized by this older boy’s behavior — behavior that is never allowed at his mother’s house. That’s why Issa’s son is so quick to imitate this older boy.

So, her son returns from once monthly parenting time stressed out. He speaks disrespectfully, and play fighting is suddenly his favorite activity. These unwanted behaviors frustrate — and anger — Issa.  She feels that all her parenting hard work is getting undone.

Talking to her son’s dad is out of the question. Issa characterizes him as non-cooperative and combative. They communicate only about parenting time scheduling details.

This mama is hoping for a way to address constructively her son’s post parenting time behavior.

So, we’re asking for YOUR help:

Does this single mama’s co-parenting dilemma resonate with you?

How can she address these kid behavior issues on her own so she feels “in charge” rather than frustrated and angry?

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An avid reader who frequently comments candidly (we love her for that!) has contacted us for advice. Neither of us have coped with this particular parenting dilemma. Yet we get this part: it’s tough to cope with kid problems alone. But it’s so much more difficult when your family is critical of you.

Here’s what this solo mom has shared with us.

“I’m the parent of a very overly active seven year-old son, ” she says. “I get no help from his bio-dad.”

This reader goes on to describe her son as independent, stubborn, and non-compliant. It always has to be his way on his time schedule. This little boy also has significant anger issues, which Mom believes are fueled by the way his bio-dad treats him. Specifically, his father will make a sudden appearance and make big promises. And then he will disappear without a word for the next year or so.

This little boy’s behavior is growing more difficult to manage. And it interferes with his learning at school. This mom is worried (understandably) — yet she has done her homework.

She recently concluded that her son might have some form of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). And she made an appointment to have her son evaluated.

In the meantime, this mom’s extended family — mother and sisters — are telling her that an ADHD diagnosis is a cop-out for lazy parenting. So, this mom is not just facing a kid crisis. She’s also dealing with harsh judgment from her mother and sisters.

Please step in here and offer some advice:

Have you had any experience parenting a child with ADHD? If so, please do share.

What treatment(s) were most effective? Medication? Therapy? Diet? Or, some kind of combination?

Was your extended family supportive? If not, how did you cope with their criticism and denial?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: allmothers

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Our hearts sank when we read this poignant message from a single mom who reached out to us for help with a distressing kid dilemma. We’ve often remarked that your children’s questions get tougher to answer as your kids get older. This is especially true when the questions are about an absent parent.

Many of you have coped with this parenting challenge — thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with this mom. Here’s the situation with the mother of a five-year-old son whose father is an alcoholic:

Her former husband, who has been abusing alcohol since high school, has been in an out of alcoholic rehab programs. When he’s sober, he has been in his son’s life. But now he’s returning for yet another stint in rehab.

When this father was in rehab before, Mom explained his absence by saying that Dad was “in the hospital.” She’s not proud of that explanation, but it was the best she could come up with at the time. Because he’s older now, this little boy will miss seeing his father — who will remain out of contact for many weeks. Of course, he’ll want to know why he hasn’t seen or spoken with Dad.

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We both know firsthand how challenging — and anxiety-inducing — it is to find childcare. You might have an infant who needs evening care while you’re working late, or a tween who needs a ride home from school and help with homework. No matter how old your child, finding good, reliable, trustworthy childcare can feel overwhelming.

Some of you have told us what is not ideal — like accepting your ex’s brand new wife offer to babysit — or letting your ex choose the sitter, when he/she has a dismal decision-making track record. Well, then, what IS ideal when it comes to finding a sitter?

Here are our 3 best ways to find a babysitter:

1. Reach out to family…whom you already know very well, and hopefully trust. This option is free, or at least less expensive than the market rate. (Challenge = You might not have any family nearby. We’ve been there!)

2. Join an online community… such as Sitter Pals. There are many membership-based childcare sites out there, which give a wide range of options in your area. (Challenge = You might not know/trust the available sitters.)

3. Create your own babysitting co-op… say, through your mom’s group or friends. This a great way to save money. Together, you make a calendar and plan who gets which nights off. You already know these moms, so there’s a sort of built-in trust. Often, this option is also free! (Challenge = this set-up doesn’t necessarily work with nighttime childcare, and you need to contribute hours/time that you might not have.)

This post was sponsored by Sitter Pals, an online platform for parents and sitters to create their own secure networks of people they know and trust. For parents, the website allows them to share known and trusted sitters with their friends and search for available sitters, whether they have two days notice or only two hours. For sitters, they tailor their availability to work as much or as little as they want. These parents and sitters searching for each other via the internet already know one another… or at least their direct connection.

When Sitter Pals founder and mother of two, Amanda Armstrong (pictured above), recognized the unnecessary stress of finding a sitter through traditional means, she knew there had to be a better way — but did not want to turn to the massive pool of unknown babysitters online. The membership-only site is available to sitters for free and $9.95 per month for parents.

And now… Sitter Pals is giving away a one-year subscription to one of you (valued at $99). Just leave a comment to enter. A winner will be chosen at midnight EST on April 26 by Random.org.

Your turn…

If you have a sitter you love and trust, how did you find him/her?

If finding reliable childcare is a challenge for you right now, what’s the biggest hurdle? Is it too expensive? Is it hard to find someone you trust? Or are there “kid issues” that make finding reliable child care a hassle?

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We’ve had many honest — and painful — conversations here about the worry, disappointment, and frustration many of you have experienced with your absent ex. When some of you told us you were relieved that your ex was gone — for good — we understood exactly how you felt.

No matter what your co-parenting (or not) status, kids do ask questions about the absent “other parent.” We’re on the record that bad-mouthing the “other parent“ is not the ideal parenting choice. As solo moms, we’ve both struggled to put the “best spin” on our kids’ bio-dads.

Luckily, our efforts take a fairly easy and predictable course: we emphasize our ex’s positive qualities. And we try hard NOT to share our adult feelings about the men whose choice to abandon their kids shapes every minute of our lives.

Frankly, we’re asking ourselves if we’ve overlooked a BIGGER “other parent” issue. Just going by the statistics,  a significant number of you likely grapple with telling (or not) your kids about the “other parent’s” alcoholism, substance abuse, criminal past, and/or serious psychiatric problems.

We wonder how you’ve decided to deal with such information with your kids.

So, we’d like to open up this conversation:

Is there information about the “other parent” you’ve deliberately NOT shared with your kids?

If so, what type of information have you withheld?

Do you ever plan to share this information with your kids? If so, when?

(Anonynous comments are welcome.)

~~~

Phot via Flickr: shelnutta

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