Our Singlemommyhood community is divided over our kids’ use of social media. And that’s OK. Some of you resist your kid’s pleas for a Facebook page. Other parents chose to monitor social media.

Here’s the story:

“My son couldn’t wait to tell me that his math teacher had a Facebook page. And that was just the beginning,” this dad confided. “My son pulled up her Facebook page. Eagerly, he pronounced his teacher *hot* and urged me to ask her out.”

Of course, because his son isn’t Facebook friends with this particular teacher, Dad couldn’t see her entire profile. But, after seeing a glimpse of her profile photo, Dad did not deny this: she looked stunning in a frankly provocative outfit.

Still, Dad wonders how to respond to his son’s well-intentioned suggestion. Dad never thought of his kid’s school as a pick-up spot. Yet, this Facebook profile photo seemed to invite something more than the typical parent/teacher relationship. 

So, Dad is looking for advice from other single parents.

Is trying to date your kid’s teacher an irresponsible parenting choice?

Is the potential for fall-out on your kid just too big a risk?

Or is this a narrow minded view?

If you’re a teacher, what’s your social media policy with students and parents?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Sean MacEntee

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Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting.  When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids  – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip.  A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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Maybe you have a teenager (or more than one?) Maybe you work with teens, or you’ve got teenagers in your extended family. If you have a teen in your life, we’d love to know if you worry about this, too.

We’ve chatted about all kinds of kids and technology dilemmas here — including the pros and cons of blogging about your kids.

Many kids consume media as a full-time job (with overtime) according to the Kaiser Family Foundation. Frankly, we do worry about these online activities long term. We wonder about the possible implications of texting, instant messaging, and Facebook on kids’ social skills. Before electronic media, kids often had a  “best friend”  in whom to confide.  Long conversations took place on the telephone.

Psychologists and other experts worry that our connected kids miss out on experiences that help them develop social skills, such as empathy and understanding.  These experts also insist that when kids become teenagers, they are clueless about how to interpret body language and other social cues.

Other experts, however, believe that social networking are helping kids develop stronger friendships. They cite the 24/7 availability as a way kid friendships are strengthened.  The benefits of social media for shy or withdrawn kids are touted.  These experts  see Facebook, for example, as a tool to help such kids develop critical social skills.

So, the experts are sharply divided. We believe the REAL experts are YOU. Especially since your kids are “digital natives” meaning they have grown up using computers.

So, we’re wondering …

Do the teens you know ever talk on the phone anymore? Or, is it all about texting?

Do you worry about the impact social networking might have on your kids’  social skills?

If so, what measures do you take (or hope to take) to help your kids develop friendships IRL?

Or, is our concern really a “non-issue” which does NOT worry you as a parent?

~~~~

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We’ve chatted about many kid topics. You’ve opened up about keeping – or not *big* secrets from your kids about your ex or another family member. And we’ve candidly commiserated about many co-parenting dilemmas. But, we’ve never – ever – chatted about our shared concerns about how to raise responsible teens.

So, we’re sharing our best tips on tackling – with success – the challenges posed when your kids reach their teen years.

Tip #1 – Your kids need you more than ever. It’s tempting to think that the hard work of parenting is now nearly complete. Freedom from child care woes is a great relief.  These teen years incorporate, however, nearly as much physical and emotional change as those first critical two years.  And your kids’ teen years can be just as memorable, joyful, and rewarding as those precious baby times.

Tip #2 - You matter most to your kids. Your teens crave your time and attention. Just being there – your physical presence – is the best guarantee that your kids will make safe and appropriate choices. Teens may not need us round-the-clock attention like a newborn, but they do need to know we’re there when they need us. Your persistent efforts to keep communication open will pay great dividends now. Teens will not accept advice or guidance from any adult who’s clueless about what’s really going on in their lives.

Tip#3 – Teach essential life skills. Time and money management are the keys to self-reliance. You may feel that you still struggle with these issues, but you’re miles ahead of your kids. Share what you do know with your kids. For example, teach your kids how to pay bills online and keep track of routine doctor and dentist appointments. Guide your teens toward responsibly managing pesky daily chores like kitchen cleanup and putting out the garbage and recycling.

Tip #4 – Resist the notion that it’s easier and quicker just to do it yourself. When responsibilities are unmet or mistakes are made, sit down with your kids and review what went wrong. And how different choices would have led to a more successful outcome. Emphasize that the additional privileges also mean added responsibilities. Actions – not words – let you know if your kids are ready for an extended curfew, greater access to the family car, or whatever perks they crave.

Tip#5 – Your example is the strongest message. You’ll have conversations on topics only whispered about during your own teen years. Stay genuine about your own feelings. If you’re confused, admit it; if you’re appalled, say so. Tell your kids what you believe about sex, drugs, and alcohol. Do not expect the schools to teach more than the facts.  Your kids’ values and subsequent choices will come largely from what you’ve taught – and the behavior they’ve witnessed.

We’ve barely opened the conversation about the joys and challenges of raising *gulp* young adults.

So, we’d love to continue this conversation with YOU. 

Are you the parent of a teen or tween?

If so, what’s your greatest parenting challenge – right now?

If your kids haven’t reached those tween/teen years, what potential parenting challenges concern you the most?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Chris8800

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You’ve shared your worries about how to combine responsible parenting choices and strictly adult pleasures. We’ve talked about introducing – or not – dates to our kids. And we’ve debated the wisdom of grown-up sleepovers. We’ve never discussed, however, when it’s appropriate to involve our kids in our overnight romantic plans. So, when this new single dad contacted us for some advice on this sleep-over dilemma, we rushed to open up this conversation.

Both this dad and his ex have started to date. “She’s now got a new man in her life,” he began. “She’s decided that she’s in love – and wants to include our five year-old daughter in this new chapter of her life.”This former married couple work together on big co-parenting decisions  – and almost always agree. So, Dad was okay that Mom introduced her new boyfriend to their daughter. Over the last several months, their little girl has met Mom’s new boyfriend a couple of times casually – just for an hour or so.Here’s what’s troubling this thoughtful dad: His ex now wants to take their daughter to her boyfriend’s place for the weekend. But Dad does not want his daughter sleeping over at this guy’s house. It’s a line he just does not want crossed. He feels dating changes when you’re a single parent – and it’s wrong for their child to form close attachments to this boyfriend who’s just separated- at least until their own divorce is final.  And – right now – his ex is furious. She sees no difference between spending a few hours playing together and a few hours spent sleeping.This dad wonders if he’s being unreasonable.  So, he’s asking for YOUR advice:

This Dad does not want his daughter to spend the night at the boyfriend’s place — is he being unreasonable?

Do you feel it’s appropriate for kids to sleep-over at the home of someone you’re dating?

If so, how do you decide when the time is right?

~~~
Photo via Flickr: tribecayummymommy

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We’re proud of our Singlemommyhood community. Our strength comes from putting our heads – and hearts – together to help one another.  Lately, we’ve received an avalanche of messages disclosing  your struggles with clutter.  We understand  how overwhelming managing your possessions can get, especially when you’re in the midst of a life crisis or huge transition.

Here’s our perspective on what we’ve heard – so far – from YOU:

Day to day responsibilities are overwhelming. The junk mail heaped on the kitchen table, the jumble of old newspapers and magazines, or those long dead houseplants – UGH! – on the kitchen window sill just don’t rank as priorities compared with juggling the kids’ needs and your own career demands. And relationships – no matter how satisfying -  require time and attention.

The difference between clutter busting and organizing is confusing. The organization craze has morphed into an industry. All those “organizational tools” and plastic storage bins are just pricey ways to manage stuff -  you likely don’t need. Every drawer and closet does not have to resemble an upscale clothing store. Honestly, you have far more important priorities than color coding your kids’ socks or arranging your lipsticks according to type and shade.

Clutter means it gets in your way. Do you have to step around piles of stuff to get from one place to another in your home? Are you holding on to things – just in case? Are you reluctant to invite friends to your home for fear of their reaction? If so, your stuff  – clutter – stands in the way of the health and happiness you deserve. So, likely our kids’ drawers will stay messy, but if their drawers are crammed with outgrown items – it’s clutter.  Your make-up can get scattered, but if an item has a distinctly funky odor, it’s clutter.

So, we’re here to listen: 

Are you having clutter issues?

If so, please share. [no judgments here]

Or have you learned how to tackle clutter?

If so, please share your best tips and advice.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: glukorizon

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Our conversations about co-parenting challenges highlight your commitment to doing what’s right for your kids. You’ve taught us (and we’re grateful) that co-parenting issues change as kids get older. Also, parents’ relationship statuses change. Frankly, we’ve never talked about kids’ roles in deciding parenting time schedules. So, when this conflicted single mom – who asked to remain anonymous – contacted us for help, we rushed to share her situation with you.

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We recently heard from a single mom who posed an interesting post divorce dilemma. She and her ex have only recently signed the final papers – and are trying hard to make co-parenting work.  Although they worked hard to iron out every detail, unanticipated complications inevitably crop up  – we get it. So, when this mom reached out for advice about just such an unexpected difficulty, we rushed to share her situation with you.

Here’s the story:

“Our little boy just started school this year. It’s the first time I won’t see him during the day on his actual birthday. By the time, he gets home from school, it’s 4 PM, ” she began.

It’s “her day” with her son, but, obviously, Dad would also like to spend time with their son on his birthday. But, if he picks him up at 5:30 PM -  bedtime is 7 PM – Mom will have little time with her son on his actual birthday.

These co-parents understand that this is actually the first of many *big* days they’ll need to negotiate fairly.

So, this mom – Dad is an avid reader, too – would love to know how other co-parents handle special occasions – like birthdays.

Does two birthday celebrations – one with each parent – work best?

Or should these parents celebrate with their son together?

Or is celebrating their son’s birthday together not a good idea.

Do they run the risk of falsely igniting their son’s hope that his parents might get back together?

Please share: How do you handle kids’ birthday celebrations as co-parents?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Kristen Huntley

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Whenever we open a conversation about absent parents, our hearts drop. That’s because we both have personal experience answering – not always successfully – probing kid questions on this painful topic. So, we know firsthand how much strength, maturity, and compassion it takes to soothe and comfort your kids.

You’ve often told us that you try – very hard – to reassure your kids that the absent parent does love and care about them. But, when your kids (logically) ask why that loving, caring parent does not call, write, or show up, a kid appropriate answer does not always pop to mind.

So, if you’re coping with an absent “other parent” – check out our tips and advice:

Tip #1 -  Stop seeking a *magic* answer. Kids will react differently to a parent’s absence depending on their ages, temperaments, and expectations for that parent. Moreover, it’s challenging to explain abandonment to a kid whose parent chose to leave – rather than when a parent has a fatal illness or dies in an accident. No one knows your kids better than you. You don’t need a script. But, unfortunately, there aren’t any one-size-fits-all magic words which benefit every kid.

Tip #2 – The “blame” rightly belongs with the absent parent. This is the consistent perspective from which to discuss kid concerns about the absent parent. This is very different from badmouthing your ex — which is really just venting about your own feelings. Placing the “blame” on the absent parent lets kids escape feeling inadequate, responsible, or just plain unlovable. Kids often hold themselves accountable by thinking that they’re responsible for a parent’s absence. Out of fear and uncertainty, kids often blame themselves.

Tip #3 – False reassurance causes confusion. When you reassure kids that the absent parent still loves and cares for them, it creates confusion. After all, how much caring and loving does an absent parent really show? This inevitable confusion creates doubt and uncertainty as kids embark on their own relationships. Answers to fundamental questions about their own worth and expectations often remain elusive.

Tip #4 – Embrace the truth. Instead of false reassurances, try to approach kids’ questions with an explanation along these lines: “Some grown-ups are just not able to do the important job of being a parent.” If it’s age-appropriate, this explanation opens the door to sharing factual information about the absent parent’s possible addiction, incarceration, or mental illness. If you don’t know why a parent chose to leave – it’s best to admit that you simply don’t know. Resist the urge to lie or sugar coat. As long as explanations are age-appropriate, honesty is the best option.

Is an absent parent part of your parenting challenge?

How do you chose to respond to kids’ questions about an absent parent?

We’d love to hear your story.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Ed Yourdon

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As we all prepare – deep breath – to welcome 2012,  please know that we’re honored by your trust. Thank you for sharing your feelings, frustrations, joys, and heartache with us.

We’re always here to listen. We wish each and everyone the very best in the coming year.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: sjoerdcanon

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