“I need help!” began an email we received recently from the single mom of an eight-year-old.

“My daughter was in tears this evening after looking in the mirror. She told me that she hates the way she looks because now her stomach is too fat!  She’s NOT fat—what  do I do?”

Yes, we know the stats about obesity and kids in our country, but that’s NOT what this email made us think about. Sadly, this mother’s worry hit close to him. We can both think of tween and teen girls we know who feel like they’re overweight because they don’t look “model thin.”

True, part of the problem is the way that women are presented in the media: our girls see unrealistic and unhealthy females on TV whenever they’re turn it on.  And, as WebMD recently put it in a post about girls and body image:

“It doesn’t help that real-life role models, mothers in particular, too often openly obsess about their own weight; that male role models, like dads and older brothers, make clear their preference for thinner women; and that an overwhelming percentage of girls’ clothing features body-hugging, midriff-baring styles most comfortably worn by the ultra-thin.”

Still, this leaves us wondering: What should this mother tell her daughter?

She can repeat the most positive, affirming comments to her little girl — “You are so beautiful… You are healthy and gorgeous…You’re just right the way that you are…” — but what if her daughter still puts herself down? Then what?

If you’re the mother of a daughter, we’d love to know if this sounds familiar.

Does your daughter compare herself to waif thin media images? And worry that she’s fat?

Do you secretly worry that your own “fat issues” might influence your daughter’s body image?

No judgments – ever! @Singlemommyhood.

We’d love to hear what’s on your mind.

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We’ve been closely following the long-distance relationships of a handful of single parent bloggers — and gushing all the way!

For example, there’s T, who blogs often about dating her guy long distance. We love how she keeps it positive when it comes to balancing it all: two kids, an ex, a full-time job… and her sweet Rascal.

“I know that I certainly wonder if all of this long-distance-goodness can translate into real-everyday-life wonderfulness,” T has written.

She’s not the only single parent blogger who is making a long-distance relationship work — and staying positive!

If you haven’t yet heard about Canadian Bald Guy and Momma Sunshine, you should.

In fact, Momma Sunshine has outlined the benefits of being in a long distance relationship on her site.

“At the stage of my life I’m in right now, being in a long distance relationship is actually pretty beneficial,” she writes, going on to explain all the reasons why their time apart is actually positive.

Canadian Bald Guy even wrote about proposing marriage (!) — although he said that that he and Sunshine would need to live in the same city, for starters.

If you’re in a long distance relationship now, we’d love to know.

Will you be able to see each other on Valentine’s Day?

In fact, we’d like to hear from any one who has had an LDR. We bet you have a lot to say.

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When we read this recent post at MomLogic about this mother’s “secret from her toddler,” we wondered how many of you relate.

“I have a confession,” wrote this mom. “Every once in a while I like to have myself a nice smoke. And so far, my toddler has no clue.”

As always, no judgments here at Singlemommyhood.

But we’re curious. That’s why we reached out to Daniel F. Seidman, director of Smoking Cessation Services at Columbia University Medical Center and author of a new book, Smoke-Free in 30 Days.

“Yes, I am seeing both mothers of young children and pregnant smokers who carry a burden of guilt over their secret smoking,” says Dr. Seidman.

“For example, one woman was smoking during her pregnancy. She was extremely guilty, especially when she was lying to her own mother about how she had already quit. Another example is a woman with young children who never smoked around them or let them see her smoke.”

Indeed, the MomLogic blogger confesses:

“I smoke outside when she’s asleep. I’ve smoked when she’s fallen asleep in our car in our driveway. I’ve had friends play with her as I sneak out back to sneak a smoke. Up until now she’s been completely shielded from my secret.”

“Smoking has been severely stigmatized in our society, so many smokers now go underground and live in a bunker about it,” explains Dr. Seidman.

If you’re a secret smoker, we’d love to hear from you.

When are you most likely to smoke?

If you used to smoke and quit… how did you do it?

Feel free to log in anonymously.

(Photo courtesy of Jason Webber via Flickr)

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Both of us are always game for a good bargain

What’s her best buy so far? A brand new keyboard she got for her daughter last holiday season for $25, from a college student who was moving abroad. During her most recent move from one home to another, she also earned extra cash on Craig’s List by selling her furniture and kid’s toys.

But if you read about her home being broken into this winter, then you know those guys got away with her MacBook.

Thank goodness her laptop had been password-protected — and she’d backed up five days before. When the police officers showed up to write a report, she was stewing in sadness and anger.

“So, what should I do?” she wanted to know. “Where should I look for my computer?”

The two police offers were focused on getting the facts down, and they seemed impressed by the fact that Rachel had recorded her MacBook serial number. Unfortunately, the police said that her MacBook had most likely already been posted and sold on Craig’s List. For cash.

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We hear from many parents who have been going it alone with very little — or no — support from their exes. Are you among them? Understandably, it’s during the holidays that many of you hear from an ex-spouse or partner, often after a long silence. (And, yes, we’ve been there, too.)

Case in point: a single mom of a two-year-old son recently wrote to us. She and her son’s father split up when their baby was four months old. Their relationship had been very off-and-on.

And, in the end, they couldn’t figure out how to make it work.

In an angry fit, he said that he wanted nothing to do with their son. And for more than a year, that’s what he did. She has heard nothing from him. Until now.

“He called me out of the blue and left a message saying that he wants a part our son’s life,” she writes.

“He says that he has been working in another state, saving money. And now he’s coming back for Christmas. I don’t know what do to. He says that he is a changed man. We have friends in common and they tell me that he really has grown up.”

We’re sure that some of you have been there. Any advice?

Frankly, we’re a bit concerned.

What should this single mom do to protect herself and her baby?

Should she meet him first without the baby?

What signs would tell you that he’s a “changed man”?

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We’ve talked often at Singlemommyhood about answering the “dad questions.” And we’ve both struggled with these issues with our own kids.

And we know that many of you deal with “other parent” issues, particularly around the holidays.

So, when a  single dad told us about a recent experience with his daughter, we realized *GULP* that we had never discussed the painful dilemma of the absent mom. (Of course, we got emotional.)

Here’s what this single dad shared with us:

He has sole custody of his almost four-year-old daughter. Her mom is a drug addict. And she hasn’t been heard from since shortly after this little girl was born.

This dad juggles it all — and we know you can all relate to this one:

The publicly funded day care center she attends honors all the winter holidays: Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Christmas.

“So,  here I am,”  he told us, “sitting on this tiny chair in a room full of moms. All of us are intently decorating Hanukkah cookies with our kids. Suddenly my daughter is pulling at my sleeve with that ‘right now’ look on her face, which usually means a fast trip to the nearest bathroom.”

“Instead, she whispers in my ear: ‘Where’s my mommy?’ “

Of course, his little girl had asked this question before. And she’d seemingly been content with his explanation that her mother loves her “but is too sick to take care of her right now.”

He also comforted his daughter by reciting in a funny sing song way a whole list of people who love her. (Fortunately, this dad has a supportive family and lots of close friends.) This time, however, it just seemed different.

His little girl had reached a new stage. Platitudes, vague explanations and reassurances were soon not going to be enough. And the truth about her mother is another uncertain issue. She could be dead or, just as likely, suddenly appear on his door step. If she did reappear, she would probably not stay long, but surely long enough for his little girl to feel loss when she inevitably left again.

This dad struggles to chose the best path to take with his child.

Should he tell the truth and answer the ‘Where’s my mommy question?’  simply by saying  “I don’t know”?

Or, is it time for him to lay the groundwork to tackle the real life issues about his daughter’s mom?

If so, how should this “missing mommy” conversation with his daughter begin?

(Photo courtesy of Bethisrael1 via Flickr)

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We’re wondering how many of you became single parents when your kids were infants?

Or even before your baby was born?

We do know that many of you can relate to the dilemma this  25-year-old mom-to-be shared with us this week.

When she and her boyfriend conceived their child, they imagined a life together. Forever. In the meantime, he lost his job and started to flip out. One day, he says that he can’t wait to be a father. The next, he’s talking about taking off for Thailand “to find myself.” In the meantime, she has moved back in with her parents.

Now, she’s eight months pregnant — and understandably confused, disappointed, and hurt by his wavering attitude toward fatherhood.

What role will her child’s father play in their baby’s life?

If only she could know this ahead of time before their baby arrives. It’s not like she hasn’t tried to sit down with him and talk. But he keeps stalling and saying, “We’ll figure this all out when the time comes.”

Her parents have encouraged her NOT to push any talk about marriage on him. Still, if there’s any way that they might have a good partnership — for their child — she’s open to cooperative co-parenting.

She has read at Singlemommyhood how legal and emotional issues  can complicate your life. After hearing that in all states, the biological father’s rights are the same — whether or not you are married — she says, “Clearly, I have a lot of homework to do.”

For starters, she’s thinking about talking to a lawyer. Her parents have even offered to paying for a legal consultation. She wants the father’s role defined before the baby is born. But how?

If the father says that he doesn’t want to be involved, she’d rather find this out NOW — and get a custody and parenting time agreement signed.  There are also child support and health insurance issues to resolve.

Of course, she has heard stories about fathers who have disappeared and then shown up years later –   usually after becoming jealous of a new relationship or finding that life away hasn’t worked out for the best — and then demand custody.

Here’s what this pregnant single-mom-to be is trying to figure out:

Should she insist that role of the baby’s father be spelled out NOW?

What actions should she take NOW as her first steps toward responsible singlemommyhood?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this one.

(Photo courtesy of danalogan photography via Flickr)

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Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa — no matter how you celebrate, the holidays are upon us!

We’ve both celebrated some wonderful — and some particularly lonely — holidays. We’ve both worked hard to keep the holidays in perspective.

We know what it’s like to plan for ourselves — as well as our kids, family, and friends. No doubt, your mailboxes are also stuffed with holiday magazines, catalogs, and department store promotions.

As much as the media aims to convince us that our holiday celebrations should look perfect, we know better. We say (loudly): “Reality check!”

Media holiday images are all fantasy, aren’t they?

Real life is not about building pyramids of exotic fruit or desserts that look like houses. Sure, we can try to do it ALL by spending more money, devoting more time, and getting super-organized. But why? Trying to create those holiday fantasies is just setting ourselves up for failure.

Why take on endless added chores which make you feel cranky and worn out? How about putting some fun in your own life?

Don’t worry, we’re not going to outline a craft project to glue stuff on pine cones. That doesn’t quite feed your soul. Instead, how about making some plans to add grown-up fun to your holidays?

We understand that budgets are stretched. It can be challenging to find childcare right now. But here’s something we’ve tried:

Every year, both of us have coordinated with friends — married or single, it doesn’t matter — to plan simple get togethers with kids. We’ve had cookie making parties, movie nights, you name it.

Each parent in the group hosts a “kid activity” on a schedule so the other parents can plan. When it’s your night off during these “kid trades,” it means that you get a free evening for some adults-only fun.

So, what are your “fun plans” for the upcoming holiday season?

Whenever you share ideas, you inspire other single parents!

(Photos courtesy of ricko and pin prick via flickr)

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If your holiday is kidless, we hope that you make the most of your free time. And if you’re hosting Thanksgiving is at your house, we hope that you truly enjoy your day with family and friends.

Our kids are already planning the next holiday celebrations. Are yours? Have they already hinted about gifts they hope to receive? Does Santa Claus visit your house? Does every toy commercial prompt a nudge in your direction?

For single parents especially, holiday planning is doubly essential.

We’re curious to know how many of you will be up early for Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. Will you be among the throngs shopping for bargains?

There’s always a lot of buzz about the newest “must have” toy. Around here, it’s all about the Nintendo Wii, the iPod touch — or anything by Disney. Funny enough, the stores are still filled with many of the same things we played with as kids: trucks, dolls, and board games.

We’re wondering what inspires you to purchase certain toys for your kids?

Of course, we want to make our kids happy, so we do try to make their holiday wishes come true. Savvy merchandisers now classify toys as gender-centric (dolls and trucks) vs. gender-neutral (classic board games).

We’re curious: Do such distinctions influence your toy buying?

Would you buy your son a doll because you hope to make him more sensitive and nurturing?

Have you considered buying your tween princess-in-training a building set or a truck?

So, tell us: What toys do you plan to buy your kids for the holidays?

What role will gender play in your toy buying decisions?

(Photos courtesy of Susan Yocum, “Aunt DsHandscrafts,” and Todd Klassy Photography via Flickr)

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For those of you who have shared custody — with alternating holidays — however, this day might find you without your kids.

So, we’ve been wondering lately: what if we were NOT able to celebrate Thanksgiving with our kids. What would we do?

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