We all understand break-up drama. As responsible parents, your priority is to protect the kids from the inevitable emotional turmoil. Of course, we also offer comfort and advice to YOU when the struggle to pick up the pieces seems just too overwhelming.  When a single mom facing a break-up shared what’s really going on in her life, we wanted your advice on a situation that – frankly – stunned us.

Here’s what’s happening:

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Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting.  When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids  – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip.  A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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We’ve opened many conversations about combining responsible parenting with getting a life. And you’ve let us know – loud and clear – these efforts are far from easy. Whether your kids clash with your boyfriend or you’re grappling with a controlling ex, the road to real love is often a steep climb. So, when this single mom – unlucky in love – contacted our Singlemommyhood community for advice and encouragement, we knew she’d come to the right place.

Here’s what this mom shared with us:

“I’m a twenty-nine year old single mom with two kids,” she began. “My first baby was conceived when I was a teenager. Believe me, I grew up fast.”

Like so many of us, this young single mom returned to school. And worked full-time. The bio-dad was distant and uninvolved. Child support was sporadic – at best. She wore herself out – fruitlessly – trying to get this man to take some interest in his daughter.

As her daughter celebrated her fourth birthday, this mom’s life changed.  She met a man who promised her a forever future. After several years of living together, they faced an unplanned pregnancy.  They welcomed their son – and their future seemed bright. Unfortunately, “happily ever after” was not in the cards.

“Now I’m a single mom with a ten year-old daughter and a three year-old son with different fathers,” she continued. “Neither of these men have meaningful relationships with their kids. And my daughter has lost two father figures. Her own father is in the wind. And her brother’s dad sees his son only – and never includes her.”

This mom feels despondent. Although she longs to find love, she’s terrified of getting hurt – again. And she wants to protect her kids from further emotional pain – and possible abandonment.

Here’s what she’d like to know from YOU:

Is having two kids with different dads a deal-breaker on the dating scene?

Should this mom give up on love – for now – until her kids are older?

If not, how can this mom protect her kids emotionally  -  if she decides to get back out there?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: WingTing

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You’ve let us know the terrible feelings of abandonment many of you experienced when you were pregnant – and broke up. Suddenly left alone to cope physically and emotionally with the 24/7 demands of motherhood, the struggle to keep afloat took every last once of strength. Eventually, despite the hardships, things – slowly – did get better.

So, when this single mom – who thought the worst was behind her – contacted us, we rushed to share her situation with you.

“My ex broke up with me when I was six months pregnant,” she began. “He cheated on me with someone from work. When I confronted him, he immediately packed his bags and never contacted me again.”

With lots of family help, this mom welcomed a sweet baby girl – now one year-old -  into the world. And slowly rebuilt her life as a single mom. She has declined child support – in return for sole custody and termination of his parental rights. The bio-dad has raised no objections – so these legal matters will easily resolve.

Emotions are not so easily resolved.  The ease with which her ex found someone else – and quickly moved out – and the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy and childbirth – devastated her. We get it. And, unfortunately, she’s channeled those unresolved feelings into obsessional online stalking of her newly married ex – and his wife. We don’t judge here – but, we do wince at the self-inflicted emotional pain.

Last week brought this mom to a new emotional low. Her ex and his new wife announced their baby’s birth via Facebook. The new baby looks incredibly like her own daughter. Her ex proudly proclaimed himself “Daddy” – and posted tons of delivery room pictures. He wrote emotionally about instantly falling in love with their baby.

“I know I must stop this Facebook madness,” she confided. “I’m really hurting – and finding it tough to hold it together.”

Of course, you agree: this deserving mom needs counseling to sort out what’s happened in her life – and deal with her feelings more constructively.  Right now, however, she needs our advice – and support.

So, this single mom would like to ask:

Can you relate to the situation she’s facing?

Has your ex fathered -  and become a “daddy” – to another child while ignoring the child he fathered with you?

If so, what advice can you offer this mom?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: English106

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We get emotional when you share your painful break-up experiences with us.  Admittedly, some of your relationships – like dating a separated guy – were risky. You’re quick to acknowledge that ignoring obvious red flags was your personal choice. And we’re quick to point out that hindsight is always 20/20. Juggling responsible parenting with dating means proceeding with caution. Frankly, we’ve all got enough on our plates without the extra drama of untangling our lives from the *wrong* person.

As we listen to your break-up experiences, a common theme jumps out at us: the guy told outright lies about his life. Whether the guy was chronically unemployed, abusing drugs and/or alcohol, financially irresponsible, commitment phobic, control freak, or just a guy who never grew up – the way we see it: it boils down to chronic lying.

Let’s face it: it’s only human to stretch the truth at times or exaggerate. And, of course, there’s a huge difference between the social fib [I love sushi. Truth: I’m happiest eating a juicy red meat burger.] and a deliberate lie. Chronic liars seem to start small – for instance, lying about where they attended college or even their age.

Many of you were simply too smart not to catch on to these lies. When you heard yet another lie, you’d feel queasy – for a moment. That was your gut telling you to stay away from this guy – but many of you ignored the warning. But, some of you were bamboozled by guys so slick that the truth took significant time to emerge.

We’re interested to learn from YOU:

Did chronic lying by your ex play a major part in your break-up?

If so, what kind of lies were you told?

Did you sense his dishonesty right away?

Or did it take time to figure out that much of what he said was a lie?

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: Thad Zajdowicz

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Valentine’s Day is over – and some of you are relieved. If you’re in the midst of a painful break-up, or just recovering,  images of happy couples in love are painful reminders. Maybe you’ve agonized over your own relationship “souvenirs,”  especially the photos. We understand.  All of us have grappled with this dilemma. 

So, it’s time to open up this conversation. Many of you have told us (our hands are raised) that you hold onto certain memories — for example, wedding albums and other photos of extended family – for your kids’ sake. We’re talking about a different kind of  keepsake. For example, how about those hotel photos you took together on your wild weekend getaway with that notorious bad boy? Or the passion fueled texts – images included – when you battled your ex in court while still madly in love.  iPhones and other technology make it super easy to capture the moment – we’re sure you get what we mean …

Often, red hot chemistry keeps a relationship together, for a while. But, when it’s over, what about those photos and videos? Have you ever worried that your ex is holding onto them? Have you ever spent a sleepless night worrying about photos of yourself floating around cyberspace? Or, stashed away with your ex’s adult toys?

So, we’re very curious to know: [No judgments]

Do you have a digital souvenir “policy{? Perhaps, you’d never pose for a potentially compromising photo?

Or do you include return and/or assured destruction of such photos as part of the break-up?

Maybe you’ve hidden away such photos for your own pleasure or amusement?

If so, how do you keep these photos away from prying eyes?

Personal experiences are always welcome.

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: _zand

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Many of you grapple with how to answer questions about an absent dad. We’ve discussed various approaches, such as compiling a Daddy Book. And you’ve generously shared what secrets you keep  (or not) from your kids about an absent parent. Frankly, however, we’ve never discussed how to respond when toddlers — who are raised by solo or choice moms — start the “daddy” conversation. 

Here’s what a solo mom recently shared with us:

“I dated a guy for three months, and right after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. We tried to make it work, but the second break-up went on forever,” she confided.

They both recognized that going separate ways was the right choice. But things got ugly after that. Both of them hired attorneys. When their daughter was three months old, her ex issued an an ultimatum. He wanted full custody — or “nothing.” And she gladly agreed to “nothing” (the terms of  their agreement are confidential), but this mom and her daughter have not seen him since this agreement was signed.

You can guess what’s happening now. This toddler is starting to call other kids’ fathers “daddy.” Her mom says deals with this in a matter-of-fact way. She gently says, “That’s Matthew’s daddy.” And she points out that her daughter has a “Papa,” who is her ever present father and her little girl’s grandfather.

But, she realizes that she these simple explanations will not satisfy her daughter for too long. This mom does not want to keep the “Daddy” topic a secret – or an issue that she always evade. It doesn’t seem healthy that people try hard not to say the “D word” in her child’s presence, and that books featuring dads are strenuously avoided.

Of course, explanations must be age appropriate. Not surprisingly, it’s tough to know how to start a conversation about Dad – given the circumstances – in a way that’s meaningful to a toddler. But, this mom hopes that these first conversations will form a foundation of trust and open communication with her daughter.

So, this is what this solo mom would like to know:

How should she respond to her daughter’s first use of the D word?

Is her matter-of-fact approach the only sensible choice?

Or, should this mom say more to her toddler about her dad?

If so, how should this first “daddy” conversation begin?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Cranial Hiccups

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An urgent message from a loyal single mom reader – who follows us via Twitter – grabbed our attention. When she told us how much comfort and inspiration she receives from our Singlemommyhood community – and how desperately she needs your sound advice – we rushed to share her dilemma with YOU.

Here’s the situation:

“Last night I asked for a break from my boyfriend of two years,” she confided. “I have two sons ages six and eight. And full custody. My boyfriend has no kids.”

A year or so into this relationship she introduced her boyfriend to her sons. Occasionally, he’d help out with child care. Things went well until both of them lost their jobs last spring.  Fortunately, this mom found employment  – but, after a month or so on the job, further downsizing added evening hours to her work schedule. Child care expenses break the budget  – and she’s frantically trying to take care of her kids and hold on to this new job. (Her boyfriend is still unemployed.)

So – trying to make it all work  – she asked her boyfriend last month to pick up the boys from school two days a week and handle evening child care until she could adjust her work hours or get a new job. He offered to help – reluctantly – one day a week.

In the meantime, this mom weighed the option of moving closer to her family. The job opportunities are better – and she can count on her supportive extended family. When she told her boyfriend she was considering relocating, he agreed to follow her. But, when he realized he owes more than his house is worth, he offered to let her move in with him.

Frankly, this mom’s gut screamed a warning. She told her boyfriend they needed to talk – seriously – about roles and expectations. She wondered about his willingness to commit. And how they’d share expenses. Would he now – willingly – pitch in with child care chores while she worked? Her boyfriend refused to talk about marriage – or any  practical matters.  He kept repeating that they’d “figure it out” along the way.  And he argued they’d never know if they had a future together – until they tried.

Her boyfriend again invited her to move in last night.  This time her gut screamed “NO” … and that’s when she told her boyfriend she needed a break. He cried pitifully – and this mom is confused and upset.  Like many of you, this mom wants “family” in her kids’ future – and fears she may have jinxed this opportunity.  But, with sole responsibility for two young kids and the perilous economy, “hoping it works” just doesn’t cut it for her.

So, this mom is turning to YOU for advice:

Should this mom take a risk for love – and see how things work out?

Is it enough that her boyfriend is willing to try?

Or should she listen – intently – to her gut?

Does this guy’s half – hearted effort to help her out with the kids and no commitment send the correct warning: Break Up Now

~~~

Photo via Flickr: ShnapThatl’s

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We get it: staying organized while juggling so many competing demands is a constant challenge. We’re all trying to organize our living space to accommodate the changes – and occasional chaos – of our everyday lives.  So, when this single mom posed a “home improvement” question, we were confident that you had something to share.

Here’s the situation:

“We needed to move very quickly into a much smaller home after my ex decided that the kids and I did not fit into his ‘enlightened cosmic plan,’ ” she says. “He got his life plan, and I got two school-aged kids along with a mountain of unlabeled moving boxes.”

Apparently, her ex’s new lifestyle does not include regular child support. So, this mom has stepped up things at work – big time. Happily, however, she’s dating.  She’d like to invite him to her home with no apologies for the mood-killing chaos.

This mom wonders: “Maybe the best solution is to rent a storage locker.”

We understand the appeal of a storage locker. But we balk at the exorbitant cost — and the inconvenient trek to retrieve something you might actually need. The possible emotional costs trouble us, too. We’re guessing that many of these unlabelled boxes contain things “too good” to toss, such as wedding registry stemware or keepsakes from their wedding day.

Maybe her kids will want these things someday? Or maybe she’s running the risk of creating a “marriage museum” housed in a pricey storage locker? And what about their wedding album? We’re shaking our heads. What do you do with the “all the stuff” after a break up?

So, we’re anxious for you to tell us:

Should this mom get a storage locker? And take her time sorting through this accumulated stuff?

Or should she ruthlessly purge now? And spend the storage locker fees on necessities – or something she will actually enjoy?

Do you have a storage locker? If so, we’d love to know why. 

~~~

Photo via Flickr: zedblogger

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We recently heard from the single mom of two teenagers about what she refers to as her latest “dry spell.”

Her dating life has been up and (mostly) down since her divorce a few years ago. Things didn’t work out with her last boyfriend after she found out that he’d been seeing someone else behind her back.

She hasn’t had sex for a few months now. Wait a second, it has been more like six months.

“I feel affection-starved,” this mom says. Her online dating efforts have fizzled. And no one is offering to fix her up.

Also, the batteries on her “buzzy” toy are running out. Yeah, you get it. Besides that, “Buzzy” is supposed to be a toy — not a way of life.

So,  now what?…

Unfortunately, her friends haven’t exactly been empathetic. And they’re also giving lots of conflicting advice.

Her “crafty” girlfriend, for instance, tells her that getting more creative (as in hot glue crafts) is the best way to cope with a stalled sex life.  This single mom doesn’t think gluing trinkets to pine cones is going to do it for her.

Another posse member is a gym rat — she works out constantly. Our single mom envies her friend’s rock hard body. But feels like all that treadmill time is just her girl friend’s way of running away from her loneliness.  On the other hand, maybe more physical activity could help scratch that dry spell itch?

Her BFF told her straight out that she needs to get out there. This friend is heavy into the bar scene. Sports bars do not intimidate her. She’s happy to make this single mom friend her “wing man.”  This friend urges her to get  a “F-buddy” or enjoy a one night stand. These options feel like a bit much. Or maybe this is just what she needs?

We all know more about this dilemma than we like to admit.

Is the answer filling her time with craft projects? Or getting serious at the gym?

Maybe she does need to get out there a bit past her comfort zone?

We’d love to know . . . What’s your strategy when a dry spell drags you down?

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