We’ve talked often in our Singlemommyhood community about the confusion and heartache absent parents inflict on our kids – and us.  Our conversation about keeping secrets from your kids about the other parent resonated strongly with you. And you’ve let us know – loud and clear – that you make tremendous efforts *applause* to keep the other parent a viable presence in your kids’ lives. So, when this single mom asked for advice about her financial issues with her kid’s absent dad, our first thought was to share her situation with YOU.

Here’s what’s happening: 

“I appreciated all the thoughtful comments in the Do I have a daddy post,” she began. “I’m struggling with my role and obligation to provide my son with access to his father. Our son is three years-old. And it seems to me that I should – as long as his father is interested – help sustain a relationship between our son and his daddy.”

Unfortunately, however, it’s almost entirely up to this mom to keep the father-son relationship active.  She and her ex met while she was working in Central America. They dated for a while and tried to make things work. Right now, he does not qualify for even a visitor’s visa – even if he had the money to buy an airline ticket. His poverty status means he pays no child support. Dad is able to call and view video. He is unable to send video because he has no camera, insufficient bandwidth, and other money related tech issues.

Helping Dad financially to stay more connected with their son is an option. Paying for a faster Internet connection and a camera is a possibility. Bankrolling further education so Dad can get a better job is also not off the table. The real stumbling block is that she and her ex never married because he wasn’t faithful and refused to commit. She gave up trying to make the relationship work  – right after their son’s second birthday. Now, however, Dad asserts that all he wants is to get back together as a family. And he won’t stop emailing, calling and hounding to rehash their failed relationship. So, when Dad calls to visit with his son for about an hour a week, these calls always include an unwanted effort to rekindle their relationship.

This single mom – looking ahead -  is unsure about her financial obligations:

Should she ignore Dad’s pleas to reconnect and finance tech upgrades – and possibly more education -  for their son’s sake?

Or should this mom focus on her own financial goals?

[Saving for their son's college education is her #1 goal]

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Meg Reyes

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So, when a single mom – who prefers to remain anonymous – contacted us about a co-parenting battle that suddenly turned nasty, we rushed to share her crisis situation with you. Here’s what this mom told us:

Her four year-old son spends time every month with his father and his eight-year-old half brother. “About a week ago, I found out that he had allowed the boys to cross a busy street by themselves. Their dad did not deny it. He just brushed it off.

Understandably, this mom felt angry — and very scared. This was not the first time this dad has shown poor judgment about kid safety. This mom was advised that his failure to protect both boys constituted child neglect. And she was advised to report it to the authorities. Instead of reporting this incident, however, she wrote her ex a scathing email telling him that she was choosing not to take legal action. But this could never happen again.

Her ex reacted furiously. He wrote back saying that he was “done with her” and will not show-up for parenting time. He said that he would reconnect with his son only when their son was old enough to contact him – and their father-son relationship would not involve her. Unfortunately, this threat has been made before. After a couple of months, however, Dad has always resumed his parenting time schedule.

This time, the threat might stick – and this mom wonders how she will soothe her son’s inevitable feelings of pain and loss. Lately, their four year-old son talks non-stop about upcoming holiday plans with Dad and his brother. Dad has not contacted him since the big blow-up, however.

We know that absent dads impact both you and your kids. This little guy is starting to ask why he hasn’t talked to Dad. Until now, Mom has distracted her son by changing the subject. We all know that’s only going to work for so long.

So, this mom needs some immediate advice:

How should she handle Dad’s threats to walk away from his son?

Can you relate to the crisis this mom is facing?

If so, please share.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: charmingchap16

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Thanksgiving is barely over. And we all know what that means: the holidays are upon us. Budgets are tight and we’re all seasoned pros at stretching a dollar. It’s the emotional challenge of gift giving that often stumps us. So, when this single mom shared her gift-buying dilemma with us, we felt certain you might also be facing this same holiday stress.

Here’s what this mom told us:

“I’m trying to be frugal for the holidays this year,” she says, explaining why her son won’t be buying gifts for his dad and family at the school’s Secret Santa Store. “It’s a nice idea, but the stuff they sell is hardly quality.”

She’s sure that her son’s dad and the grandparents would prefer homemade gifts. But, frankly, this mom is not interested in spending lots of time and money on this part of the family. After all, these people are practically absent in her son’s life.  Nonetheless, she did look online for craft ideas. Of course, she saw all kinds of instructions for coasters, coupon books. and paperweights. This mom is not thrilled with helping her son make something that will likely get tossed in the back of a closet – and promptly forgotten.

Here’s the other problem: many of the crafts say “World’s Greatest Dad”, which is nowhere near her son’s truth. And she feels even her son would balk at putting anything like that on something he made for his dad.  And there’s the ticklish issue of what to give – or not – Dad’s girlfriend.

So, this mom would love to hear your ideas:

How do you handle your kids’ gift giving during the holiday season?

What’s an appropriate gift to give an absent – or just occasional – dad?

Will your kids bring a gift to your ex’s girlfriend?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: redcleo

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“I’ve been seeing a wonderful woman for three months,” he began. “Last Thanksgiving was my ex’s holiday. This year the kids are with me. And we’re invited to my parents for a big family celebration.”

Although their “future”  is not certain, this dad can’t imagine a holiday without this wonderful woman. And his kids feel the same way. Frankly, however, he dreads introducing her to his parents  – and the rest of his extended family. His parents don’t want him to date at all – citing his heavy parent and work responsibilities. Other family members are sorry that he and his ex broke up. They’d been together since high school – and she’s indelibly etched into many cherished family memories. When this dad told his mom that he’d like to bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving dinner, her reaction was polite – and lukewarm. She simply said she’d set another place – Mom was not interested in knowing anything her.

Right now, he’s having second thoughts about his Thanksgiving plans. He’d like his kids to spend time with their grandparents – and enjoy the holiday feast. But, he wonders: will the holiday get awkward for his girlfriend – and everyone else.

So, this dad hopes YOU offer some much needed advice:

Do you introduce your dates to your parents?

If so, how do you handle these introductions?

Is introducing someone you’re dating to your parents on a big family holiday just not the right move?

Or is this festive occasion the perfect opportunity for everyone to get to know each other?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Londongrrl6

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We get it: the homework load increases every year. And your work schedules are more hectic than ever. So, when this single mom contacted us to ask for specific advice on homework, we knew it was time to open up this conversation.

“I read so much conflicting advice about homework. And, honestly, these ‘experts’ really have no clue about the ‘doing it all’ challenge that’s part of every single parent’s life,” she says.“And, in my situation, there’s also a co-parenting conflict.”

This mom’s school-aged kids do homework alone in a quiet place – usually at their desks in their rooms. She feels this cuts down on the distractions, especially since she’s got a noisy toddler, too. She meticulously checks every assignment. And she  insists that every assignment the kids turn in is perfect. Backpacks are also checked before the kids leave for school.

Her ex – they have shared custody – lets the kids do homework at his kitchen table. Music plays in the background. He feels this homework set-up lets the kids ask him questions immediately, if they get stuck. And he does not check the homework. The kids also load up their own backpacks.

Right now, the kids seem to handle these different homework approaches without huge difficulty. Still, this mom wonders if there’s a *best way* to tackle her kids’ homework. Or, if her kids would find things easier if she and Dad got on the same page with handling homework?

So, this mom would LOVE to hear from other single parents …

What’s your approach to homework?

Do you closely monitor your kids’ homework?

Or do you take a more casual approach?

Are these co-parents doing their kids a disservice by not handling homework in the same way?

We’d love to hear from dads on this important kid issue. Please chime in.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Christel Hendrix

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We’ve had many emotionally charged conversations about co-parenting. You’ve generously shared the difficulties in scheduling and communication that make effective co-parenting a huge challenge. And you’ve let us know — loud and clear — that your ex’s outrageous parenting time choices worry you. Of course, when the other parent — Mom or Dad — simply does not show up, we get it: you’re left to deal with hurt kids and a wrecked schedule.

This devoted single mom aptly summed up the “no show” crisis: “My ex has a generous parenting time schedule,” she explained. “Unfortunately, he’s very irresponsible. And often hurts the kids’ feelings by not showing up. That means I’m left with two crying and disappointed kids. When I tell him about how the kids feel, he just shrugs his shoulders and tells me something came up.”

This mama — and many of you — are desperate for a solution to help lessen your kids’ hurt — when Dad is a no show.

Here’s our suggestions to cope with this co-parenting crisis.

• Tip #1: Encourage you kids to express their feelings. Kids feel disappointment, confusion, and anger when the other parent fails to show — even if they appear to shrug it off. Older kids may have looked forward to a shared activity, or had something they wanted to discuss with Dad that’s important to them. Kids’ feeling about parenting time deserve the respect of your thoughtful listening.
• Tip #2: Consider a Daddy book. This notebook or drawing pad reserved especially for thoughts about Dad allows kids to put their feelings in words or pictures in a constructive way. It’s also another way kids are shown that their thoughts and feelings are important — after all, here they are in a special book.
• Tip #3: Resist the urge to vent. We get it – when Dad is a no show, you’re — justifiably — angry and upset. Your plans are disrupted. And the kids are moody and sometimes defiant. Of course, your feelings deserve attention, too. But, your kids are struggling to handle their own emotions — share your feelings in a way that does not add to your kids’ emotional burden.
• Tip #4: Take control. If Dad has a “no show” track record, get prepared. The goal is to make sure that the weekend, day, or evening is not a total loss if Dad bails.
• Tip #5: Make a Plan B: Sit the kids down and say something like : “Your dad is planning to take you to the movies on Saturday. He told us he would pick you up at 12:30. What’s our Plan B for Saturday, if Dad can’t make it?” Of course, Plan B is some alternative activity — which the kids can count on.
• Tip#6: You Have the Final Say about Plan B: To minimize disappointment, the alternate plan should definitely be more fun than finishing their homework or cleaning their rooms. You and the kids can also decide how long you will wait before leaving the house for your own planned activities.
• Tip #7: Work as a team. Your priorities matter, too. Schedule those errands — the ones you planned to polish off while Dad had the kids. And then see the movie that Dad promised later on. If your finances are tight, decide together on a fun and low-cost activity — like a DVD at home with lots of buttered (real thing) popcorn or a hike in the woods.

We’re wondering: Are you dealing with a “no show” Dad?

How do you cope when Dad doesn’t show up for parenting time?

What’s your advice to other parents who are struggling with this co-parenting challenge?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: jcoterhals

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When we opened a conversation about custody recently, you let us know that many of you have endured long legal battles. And you also have the emotional — and financial — scars to prove it. We get it: custody battles (even the possibility of them) are traumatic.  Please help this single mama figure out if unexpected changes in Dad’s behavior signals a future custody battle.

Here’s the situation:

“My ex and I were never married, but we did live together,” she explained. “Custody was never an issue when we broke up. Our son lives with me full-time.”

This mom left the relationship when their son was 14 months old. She insisted that Dad see their son exclusively at her home. (When they were still together, he’d taken their son to see the women — plural — with whom he was cheating — so, she felt humiliated and did not trust him.)

After a year or so, she agreed to let Dad take their son to his house — which he never did. Her ex pleaded that his work schedule was 70+ hours a week, and she tried to be understanding. But, when Dad popped in for just a few minutes and bolted out, their son sobbed pitifully. Eventually, this mama found out that her ex was lying. He worked fewer hours than he led her to believe — and now he had a girlfriend.  So, instead of spending time with his son, this dad had actually been hanging out with his girlfriend and her son.

Here’s what happening right now. After her ex finally fessed up about his phony work schedule and new love interest, their son met his girlfriend. Now, they’re moving in together. Dad also instantly changed his parenting time schedule. Without fail, he now sees his three year-old son two full days a week — and an extra week night for dinner, too.

This mama is incredibly angry. And she’s not sure why. Maybe it’s because she has little time to date – she can’t leave her house after 8 PM unless she hires a babysitter. Her ex lied to her — again — about why he was shirking his parental responsibilities.  And from her perspective, her ex is now the “fun dad” who can afford to indulge their child with endless treats and toys.

Despite her anger, this mom is focused on what might come next. She’s got no idea what prompted this sudden change in Dad’s parenting behavior. And she’s worried. After all, this is not the first time he’s pulled the rug out from under her — and their son.

Frankly, we’re stumped, too.  Please offer some advice:

Do you feel Dad’s sudden behavior change signals a pending custody battle?

If not, what’s your explanation for why this dad now spends significant time with his son?

Can you relate to this mama’s angry feelings? If so, please share.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: alyna.waters

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Single dads are valued members of our Singlemommyhood community. So, when this divorced dad with a tween daughter contacted us via Facebook to share a parenting dilemma, we instantly thought of YOU to offer this devoted dad some advice.

Here’s the situation:

“A couple of months ago, I started dating a woman, and I think I’m falling hard for her,” he confided.

Of course, there’s a back story: This dad always vowed to keep his parenting and dating lives separate — and for the past few years, that’s exactly what he has done. But now that his daughter is twelve years old, she’s becoming oh-so-perceptive. Although his parenting time is limited — he only sees his daughter every other weekend — she recently “caught” him chatting on his cell phone with the new woman in his life.

Of course, his daughter wanted to know with whom he was speaking.

This dad was honest and told his tween daughter that he had a “new lady friend.” But he was caught off guard when his daughter replied that she wanted to meet her — immediately. *Gulp*

This single dad still has strong feelings about NOT introducing his child to his new love interest — after all, they’ve only been dating, not exclusively — for a couple of months.

“It’s my decision as a parent not to involve my daughter in my private life — at least right now,” he explained. “But I can’t help but feel a little guilty about saying ‘no’ to my daughter’s request.”

So, this conflicted single dad is asking for YOUR advice.

Do you agree with his parenting choice NOT to introduce his daughter to the woman he’s dating?

Or is Dad setting an unhealthy example of secrecy that will likely backfire?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: rod lewis

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Many of us (our hands are raised) can relate to the confusion, panic, and despair that’s inevitable when a spouse or partner announces that the marriage is over — especially when the news is totally unexpected.

A distraught husband and father recently wrote to us after hearing just that kind of news:

“My wife announced two days ago — out of nowhere — that she’d met her soul mate. Now she is filing for divorce.”

He said that his wife packed her things their nine year-old son and 13 year-old daughter were at school. So far, this dad has made up excuses to explain their mother’s absence. He’s still reeling from the shock. And, frankly, he doesn’t know what to say to the kids. His soon-to-be ex has suggested that he tell the kids: “Mom and Dad simply drifted apart.”

This dad strongly believes that the kids deserve to know the truth. Honestly, we don’t agree — at least for now.

Here’s why: Sadly, what kids deserve — and what life dishes out — are seldom the same thing. These kids do deserve (and Dad can do his best to make this happen) to be treated with as much respect and sensitivity as humanly possible during this terrible experience.

Here’s our top tips … when you’re *suddenly* a single dad:

1. Listen to Your Own Feelings. You didn’t expect to be told that your wife was leaving you for someone else. You are not unexpected to handle this life crisis alone. Seek out a psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you. You probably feel your wife needs therapy (lots), but you’re the one trying to cope with the fall-out from her choices. You deserve a safe place to sort out your feelings.

2. Protect the Kids. It’s tempting to tell the kids the lurid details of your wife’s affair. We understand. But, what do you expect them to do with this information? Especially if you have a teenager, information about adult sexual behavior (or misbehavior) will only add to the natural confusion and uncertainty of puberty.

3.Try to Get Organized. Your wife might be in la-la land, but the kids still need clean clothes and nutritious  meals. Use the resources you have to keep daily life on track. Ask your family for help, if they live nearby. Neighbors and friends will gladly rescue — at least temporarily — a domestically challenged man. If you need legal advice, you can begin your search for a lawyer or law firm online.

4. Seal your Lips. Resist the urge to tell all to anyone who will listen. You don’t want to be the topic of neighborhood gossip. A simple statements like “My wife and I are no longer together; the washing machine is a mystery to me” will get you the practical help you need. No one has the right to know (or can really understand) the pain you’re feeling right now.

5. Pay Back Is Not Fair Play. It’s natural that you’re considering having an affair, too. Wanting revenge is not surprising.  Unfortunately, random hook-ups motivated by “pay back” will only bring exactly more of what you’re dealing with now: confusion and chaos.

We’d love to hear your excellent advice for this *suddenly* single dad.

Did you *suddenly* become a single parent?

If so, what’s your best advice to this struggling newly single dad?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: lammeltron

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We’ve chatted lots lately about bio-dad issues. And we thought — for now — that we’d pretty much covered legal issues like child support and custody. You let us know that deciding whether to reveal (or not) to the bio-dad’s family that a new addition has arrived is a decision you do not take lightly. And coping with your own demanding parents can be nothing short of a hot mess.

So, when a solo mom approached us with her bio-dad quandary, we felt confident that the conversation about her dilemma had already begun. However, as this questioning mama shared her story, we had to admit: we were intrigued.

Here’s the situation: this reader suffered through a painful pregnancy break-up. The bio-dad has never met his daughter. This total rejection of her daughter has inflicted a deep emotional wound on this mama. Court-ordered child support is this former couple’s only bond. Just to make this abandonment drama even more painful, Bio-dad got married on his daughter’s birthday. And his new wife gave birth to twins just two days after their daughter’s birthday.

Candidly, this mama is riled up — and upset. She wonders if these “same day” events are just a sad coincidence. Or more like a deliberate plan.

So, this mama is hoping to hear your thoughts:

Did this father choose his wedding date deliberately to overshadow the date as his daughter’s birthday?

Was the twins’ birthday somehow planned to again overshadow their daughter?

Do you think his wife played a BIG role in selecting the dates? If so, what’s her motive?

~~~

Photo courtesy of Joe Batluck

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