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Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting.  When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids  – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip.  A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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Successful co-parenting happens when you both realize that your divorce – or break-up – may have ended your relationship, but not your responsibilities as parents. Sadly, the majority of couples who separate don’t realize they can raise their kids together successfully – even though they no longer live together.

At first, it may seem that co-parenting is simply impossible. Keep in mind, however, that you are not jointly parenting. Co-parenting means doing your best to cooperate with each other to ensure the most consistent and least disruptive path for your kids.

So, if you’re considering co-parenting – or attempting it right now, these steps and advice will help guide you:

Step #1 – Keep your feelings about each other out of your kids’ hearts + heads. No matter how angry, betrayed, or bitter you may still feel, if you can’t put a lid on it in front of the kids – failure as co-parents is inevitable. Co-parenting requires maturity, grace, and stamina. Find an appropriate outlet for your unresolved feelings. Talking to your ex about the kids simply cannot become your time to vent.

Step #2 – Carrots work better than sticks. Maintain respect for your ex – this person is your kids’ other parent. Even if the other co-parent’s involvement is minimal, your kids benefit from this contact. Praise for the other parent’s efforts is a strong predictor of co-parenting success.

Step #3 – Keep the lines of communication open. Communication lies at the heart of any relationship. If your marriage or relationship suffered from a lack of communication, resolve – for the kids’ sake – to find a way to communicate. Technology is a handy solution – if you prefer not to meet in person or chat on the cell. Find the tools – and the commitment – by which respectful communication takes place.

Step #4 – Allow for change + scary feelings. Your agreement to co-parent represents yet another change – on top of the huge change everyone experienced when you divorced or separated. It’s okay to feel scared because it signals that you recognize your kids’ futures are at stake. Co-parenting is a formidable challenge – and – realistically – why would you not feel just a bit scared?

Step #5 – Talk + listen to your kids. Your kids will want to know the nuts + bolts of the new parenting arrangement. Little kids, for example, will want to know where Santa Claus will visit. Or how the Tooth Fairy will find them. Older kids will want to know if friends can visit at both homes – and if they’ll need to change schools. Don’t expect every last detail to get ironed out immediately. Encourage your kids to share their concerns and questions with both of you. Family meetings are ideal – if you can swing it – so everyone gets the opportunity to be heard.

~~~~~

This post authored by Dr. Leah originally appeared in Two Happy Homes. 

We recommend co-parents check out this helpful site.

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We’ve tackled the question about when to introduce your kids to your boyfriend. Single dads chimed in, and some of you defended your choice NOT to introduce their girlfriends to your kids.

Occasionally, our attempts to blend our private lives with our parenting responsibilities hit a dead end.  For example, we’ve discussed your options when your boyfriend just doesn’t want a life with kids. We’ve never talked, however, about the unexpected issues that can arise when your kids and your boyfriend adore each other. So, when this single mom contacted us for advice, we wanted to get YOUR take on this dilemma. 

Here’s what this mom told us:

“During our acrimonious divorce, my ex accused me of cheating on him with a married neighbor. Honestly, I was never unfaithful, ” she began. “My ex’s vile public accusations threw that neighbor and me together – and we discovered we were both miserable in our marriages.”

Not surprisingly, this mom and her neighbor found common ground – and started dating soon after both their divorces were finalized. She introduced her boyfriend to her three school-aged kids – and they instantly bonded. The kids now want this boyfriend included in everything – vacations, picnics, movie night, and, just this week, Family Fun Night at school.

Unfortunately, Dad has told the kids that he doesn’t like this guy – and he refuses to even say “hello.” Dad gets notified of all school events, but rarely attends. The kids hope Dad will come to Family Fun Night, and they also hope that Mom’s boyfriend will take part in the games and all the other fun.

So, Mom is facing quite a dilemma. She and her boyfriend are planing to marry – but she hasn’t told her ex of her plans since he’s still so distant and angry. But, the fact remains: the kids will soon have a dad and a step-dad. And, likely, down the road a step-mom, too. So, this is about far more than Family Fun Night. Mom wants to figure out how to approach Dad – or not – about kid plans that will involve her soon-to-be husband.

So, YOUR advice is needed:

Should this mom ask Dad – straight out – if he’s planning to attend? Maybe even encourage him to participate – for the kids’ sake?

Should this mom tell her ex that both she and her kids have also invited her boyfriend?

What if Dad refuses to attend – if her boyfriend also attends?

Should Dad’s feelings about her boyfriend trump the kids’ wishes that the boyfriend attend this event?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: beccafromportland

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Valentine’s Day is over – and some of you are relieved. If you’re in the midst of a painful break-up, or just recovering,  images of happy couples in love are painful reminders. Maybe you’ve agonized over your own relationship “souvenirs,”  especially the photos. We understand.  All of us have grappled with this dilemma. 

So, it’s time to open up this conversation. Many of you have told us (our hands are raised) that you hold onto certain memories — for example, wedding albums and other photos of extended family – for your kids’ sake. We’re talking about a different kind of  keepsake. For example, how about those hotel photos you took together on your wild weekend getaway with that notorious bad boy? Or the passion fueled texts – images included – when you battled your ex in court while still madly in love.  iPhones and other technology make it super easy to capture the moment – we’re sure you get what we mean …

Often, red hot chemistry keeps a relationship together, for a while. But, when it’s over, what about those photos and videos? Have you ever worried that your ex is holding onto them? Have you ever spent a sleepless night worrying about photos of yourself floating around cyberspace? Or, stashed away with your ex’s adult toys?

So, we’re very curious to know: [No judgments]

Do you have a digital souvenir “policy{? Perhaps, you’d never pose for a potentially compromising photo?

Or do you include return and/or assured destruction of such photos as part of the break-up?

Maybe you’ve hidden away such photos for your own pleasure or amusement?

If so, how do you keep these photos away from prying eyes?

Personal experiences are always welcome.

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: _zand

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You’ve shared your worries about how to combine responsible parenting choices and strictly adult pleasures. We’ve talked about introducing – or not – dates to our kids. And we’ve debated the wisdom of grown-up sleepovers. We’ve never discussed, however, when it’s appropriate to involve our kids in our overnight romantic plans. So, when this new single dad contacted us for some advice on this sleep-over dilemma, we rushed to open up this conversation.

Both this dad and his ex have started to date. “She’s now got a new man in her life,” he began. “She’s decided that she’s in love – and wants to include our five year-old daughter in this new chapter of her life.”This former married couple work together on big co-parenting decisions  – and almost always agree. So, Dad was okay that Mom introduced her new boyfriend to their daughter. Over the last several months, their little girl has met Mom’s new boyfriend a couple of times casually – just for an hour or so.Here’s what’s troubling this thoughtful dad: His ex now wants to take their daughter to her boyfriend’s place for the weekend. But Dad does not want his daughter sleeping over at this guy’s house. It’s a line he just does not want crossed. He feels dating changes when you’re a single parent – and it’s wrong for their child to form close attachments to this boyfriend who’s just separated- at least until their own divorce is final.  And – right now – his ex is furious. She sees no difference between spending a few hours playing together and a few hours spent sleeping.This dad wonders if he’s being unreasonable.  So, he’s asking for YOUR advice:

This Dad does not want his daughter to spend the night at the boyfriend’s place — is he being unreasonable?

Do you feel it’s appropriate for kids to sleep-over at the home of someone you’re dating?

If so, how do you decide when the time is right?

~~~
Photo via Flickr: tribecayummymommy

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We recently heard from a single mom who posed an interesting post divorce dilemma. She and her ex have only recently signed the final papers – and are trying hard to make co-parenting work.  Although they worked hard to iron out every detail, unanticipated complications inevitably crop up  – we get it. So, when this mom reached out for advice about just such an unexpected difficulty, we rushed to share her situation with you.

Here’s the story:

“Our little boy just started school this year. It’s the first time I won’t see him during the day on his actual birthday. By the time, he gets home from school, it’s 4 PM, ” she began.

It’s “her day” with her son, but, obviously, Dad would also like to spend time with their son on his birthday. But, if he picks him up at 5:30 PM -  bedtime is 7 PM – Mom will have little time with her son on his actual birthday.

These co-parents understand that this is actually the first of many *big* days they’ll need to negotiate fairly.

So, this mom – Dad is an avid reader, too – would love to know how other co-parents handle special occasions – like birthdays.

Does two birthday celebrations – one with each parent – work best?

Or should these parents celebrate with their son together?

Or is celebrating their son’s birthday together not a good idea.

Do they run the risk of falsely igniting their son’s hope that his parents might get back together?

Please share: How do you handle kids’ birthday celebrations as co-parents?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Kristen Huntley

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Thanks to all of you who have been writing to us about your holiday plans. It’s clear that you’re doing your best to keep your stress level down.

And many of you are looking forward to your family celebrations and a bit of down time. Some of you have written to share how you’re grappling with some thorny parenting dilemmas — like this one single mom and single dad who’ve been chatting with us about a similar situation. The interesting thing is: they have totally opposite points of view.

Because neither of us have faced this parenting choice — we both had sole custody of our kids — we’re hoping that you can chime in. Likely, many of you have faced this situation, and therefore know far more than we do about this delicate dilemma.

So, here’s what we heard:

“It sucks not to spend Christmas Day with my kids,” says this recently divorced single dad with a tiny baby and a five-year-old.

“I know we worked out the parenting time schedule with alternating holidays, blah, blah with all the legal rigmarole. Maybe I’m selfish, but I just don’t want to miss out on anything. My ex, however, doesn’t see things the same way.”

“That’s why I’m planning to ask my ex (again):” Why can’t we both enjoy the holidays with the kids?

He explains: “Wouldn’t a bit of compromise and cooperation show our kids the true spirit of the season?”

On the other side of this issue, there’s a single mom with a nine-year old son who sees things much differently. 

She told us: “I get pressure from my ex every year because he wants to trash our parenting time schedule in order to spend the holiday together. But my son is used to ‘two holidays.’  And we both try to make our respective time as happy for him as we can.”

And, year after year, she tries to explain to her ex that: spending Christmas Day — or any part of the holiday together — just sends kids the wrong message.

If kids see you celebrating together, they get false hope that you’ll work it out and get back together.

These are obviously two very different perspectives.

Both these parents want the best for their kids. And their vision of what’s “best” is very different.

So, we’d love to know your views on this parenting choice.

We’re wondering:

Is it selfish to want to spend the entire holiday with your kids?

Do kids get false reconciliation hopes leading only to further disappointment?

Or, is spending the holidays together a great way to show them the true spirit of the season?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: barnabywasson

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Here’s what this mom told us:

“My three-year-old son is now that the age where he really thinks about things — and is asking questions. He wants to know why and how, and he has recently started to ask about Santa Claus. For the past two Christmases, my ex and I have split Santa Claus,” she explained. “We’ve told our son that he visits both houses — one on Christmas Eve, and the other on Christmas morning.”

So far, this has worked. Their son knows that Santa Claus is the fat man with a beard and a red suit. But their son’s sense of time – like all kids his age – is really sketchy. Soon, however, their son might wonder how Santa Claus can possibly get to both Mom and Dad’s homes on consecutive days. Other kids at day care may tell him that Santa Claus only leaves presents one time.

Luckily, this mom and dad co-parent effectively. So they’ve chatted about how to deal with Santa Claus’ impending arrival. But they’re both a bit stumped.

So, this co-parenting mom and dad are reaching out to YOU for advice:

How do you handle Santa Claus’ visits – if  your child has two homes?

Should these co-parents  just stick to what’s been working  — Santa Claus visits both houses?

Or, should they change their Santa Claus routine to one visit -  so their son’s Christmas experience matches his day care friends?

(Photo via Flickr: saltycotton)

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We get it: staying organized while juggling so many competing demands is a constant challenge. We’re all trying to organize our living space to accommodate the changes – and occasional chaos – of our everyday lives.  So, when this single mom posed a “home improvement” question, we were confident that you had something to share.

Here’s the situation:

“We needed to move very quickly into a much smaller home after my ex decided that the kids and I did not fit into his ‘enlightened cosmic plan,’ ” she says. “He got his life plan, and I got two school-aged kids along with a mountain of unlabeled moving boxes.”

Apparently, her ex’s new lifestyle does not include regular child support. So, this mom has stepped up things at work – big time. Happily, however, she’s dating.  She’d like to invite him to her home with no apologies for the mood-killing chaos.

This mom wonders: “Maybe the best solution is to rent a storage locker.”

We understand the appeal of a storage locker. But we balk at the exorbitant cost — and the inconvenient trek to retrieve something you might actually need. The possible emotional costs trouble us, too. We’re guessing that many of these unlabelled boxes contain things “too good” to toss, such as wedding registry stemware or keepsakes from their wedding day.

Maybe her kids will want these things someday? Or maybe she’s running the risk of creating a “marriage museum” housed in a pricey storage locker? And what about their wedding album? We’re shaking our heads. What do you do with the “all the stuff” after a break up?

So, we’re anxious for you to tell us:

Should this mom get a storage locker? And take her time sorting through this accumulated stuff?

Or should she ruthlessly purge now? And spend the storage locker fees on necessities – or something she will actually enjoy?

Do you have a storage locker? If so, we’d love to know why. 

~~~

Photo via Flickr: zedblogger

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