Singlemommyhood.com » divorced

Co-parenting (sort of) with your former in-laws

Dr. Leah — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 10:01:09 +0000

A devoted solo dad told us recently about a perplexing issue with his former in-laws. We’re not even in touch with the extended families of our kids’ bio-dads — so, we’ve got no experience to share.

But, we’re always thinking about how complicated family relationships can be. So, we’re eager to get your take on this twist in co-parenting drama. Here’s what this solo dad had to say:

“My ex in-laws are generally helpful. The kids and I enjoy using their beach home in the summer, and the grandparents see the kids about once and week. They often buy things the kids need, too.”

There’s more to the story: His ex now lives with her parents due to severe financial problems. She hasn’t paid child support for almost four years. And she’s unwilling to chip in for medical expenses, sports, or school fees. So, this solo dad struggles to handle everything.

Here’s what really irks him: Every time he gets a holiday or birthday card from his former in-laws, the message always reads: “Thanks for being such a good dad to our grandchildren,” or “Thanks for all you do to keep things together and as normal as possible for the kids.”

The grandparents also comment about how burdensome it is to be a single parent. And they thank him profusely for stepping up to the plate. So, this single dad is not sure how to respond (or not) to these sentiments.

“On one hand being thanked for being the responsible parent really irks me, he told us. “I love my kids and never consider parenting a burden — no matter how great the struggle. But of course, it wouldn’t be so much of a struggle if their daughter stopped ignoring her responsibilities — and stopped finding new ways to disappoint the kids.”

To be sure, the flip side is that these grandparents are sincerely grateful. It’s likely embarrassing — and upsetting — to watch their daughter fail to do even the bare minimum for her kids. Ironically, these grandparents never felt this dad was “good enough” for their daughter when they were married. Now, people say how lucky his ex is to have such a wonderful father for her children.

“It’s not luck,” this single dad said emphatically. “I’m the same guy I’ve always been. It’s just not in my make-up to be anything less than the best parent I possibly can.”

This single dad wonders if former in-laws play a role in other solo parent families.

Frankly, he’d like to know from YOU …

Should this dad cut his in-laws a break and accept their parenting compliments with good grace?

Are these in-laws handling their daughter’s irresponsibility as best they can?

If not, what should these grandparents do?

Or, do these solo dad’s irksome feelings toward his in-laws actually reflect his bitterness toward his ex? If so, what should this solo dad do?

~~~
Flickr/ClaireRuth

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When you’re a daddy raising girls

Dr. Leah — Mon, 21 Feb 2011 10:37:28 +0000

Responsible parenting is always on our minds. And the challenging kid issues we’ve tackled together cover a lot of territory. For example, we’ve talked frankly about managing kid issues at school. And about how to decide if your kid needs therapy. We’ve also talked about what to do (or not) if the kids unexpectedly interrupt your steamy love making.

No topic has inspired more passionate discussion than the “daddy” issues. Single moms on our site have candidly shared their worries about an absence of a male role model. And they’ve generally fretted about how to raise emotionally healthy kids — particularly sons — without a “daddy.” (We’ve always made the distinction between “father” — which is strictly biology — and “daddy” — which means total love and commitment.) As solo moms, we’ve found these “daddy talks” comforting because such pressing issues are very real to us.

Frankly, however, we have a confession: We doubt that “mommy issues” are as troubling to our single dad community. We’ve always believed — rightly or wrongly– that single dads don’t worry about a lack of appropriate female role models. After all, elementary schools are crammed with wonderful – mostly female — teachers. And there are always lots of women eager to help a single dad befuddled by training bras or tongue tied when asked about tampons. Right?

Obviously, it’s time to ask the real experts … the dads in our community.

So, here’s what we’d like to know …

Do you worry about a lack of appropriate female role models for your daughters? If so, how do you try to fill that void?

What worries about raising daughters keep you up at night?

And how can we help you?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: DJBass

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Do you house share with your parents?

Rachel Sarah — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:17:37 +0000

Zillions of us (not an official statistic) have lived with our parents (both us of … definitely!) as part of our transition to single parenthood. So, we nodded sympathetically when we received this earnest email from a mom with two toddlers (who are nine months apart):

Here’s what this young mother told us:

“I’m getting a divorce,” she says. “We married way too young. My ex never finished high school so he just works odd jobs. My parents think I need to wake up and understand that I’ll be supporting my two kids with very little financial help from their dad. And I know they’re right.”

Of course, there’s more to this single mom’s story.

Her parents have offered to let her and the kids live rent free while she finishes the RN program she quit when she got pregnant. She’ll have to share her spacious childhood bedroom with her two kids. Both her parents are retired. And they adore their grandchildren. They both say that babysitting while she’s at school is no problem. This single mom is also anxious to help with some of the heavy chores which are getting to a bit much for her mom. (Her parent split the chores along traditional gender lines. Dad is still handling the yard and car maintenance just fine.)

This single mom is savvy enough to realize that there will be many compromises (mostly by her) to make this housing arrangement work. But, she’s willing to do what it takes to get her RN so she can support herself and her kids.

Based on our own experiences, her fiances, child care, and respective household responsibilities need to be crystal clear BEFORE this almost single mom pulls up to her parents’ home with the UHaul.

Do you agree? What have we left out?

This single mom would love to know from YOU ….

How did you work out these practical details with your parents?

What can this single mom do NOW to help make this transition to house sharing with Mom and Dad go as smoothly as possible?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of cjc4454)

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“You’re so lucky that your ex is out of the picture”

Dr. Leah — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:00:36 +0000

Other single moms have said this to Dr. Leah and me * a lot.* “You’re so lucky that your ex is out of the picture.”

At first, we both had the same reaction: Lucky? Really? We raised our eyebrows and wondered: What is that supposed to mean?

Eventually, we got it. And after reading your comments on a recent post, — Do I have a Daddy? — we really got it. One comment in particular, from Mindy at Single Mom Says, really summed up for us what this means:

“I don’t know what is worse: a completely absent father or one that comes and goes only when it suits HIM,” Mindy says. “My daughter’s father visits about three times a year for a couple hours, brings gifts, and plays with her. Then he acts like this is perfectly normal and acceptable only to disappear for another three to six months before doing it all over again.”

“It seems like it would be better for my child, and for her well being, to not have him dangle that carrot and then take it away,” she adds.

We know that this kind of pain hits home with many of you — and your kids. So many of you have told us how hard you try to include your ex in your children’s lives. You’ve shared details about the times that the other parent has broken promises — and how you’ve had to try to explain “why” to your disappointed kids.

Then, there’s the child who keeps asking his/her Mom, “Why doesn’t Dad call?” (or, vice versa). We’ve encouraged you to respond to your child by saying something like: “Some grown-ups are just not able to do the important job of being a parent.”

Still, we know that this hurts. You’ve also shared what it’s like to tell the truth about the other parent to your kids — whether your ex might be mentally ill, in jail, unstable, and any of the above. That’s why we’d love to hear from other solo moms and dads out there:

Do you feel “lucky” because you know exactly what to expect? Do you feel relieved that you don’t have to deal with a unreliable ex?

And what if you’re co-parenting? If you have an unreliable co-parent, do you sometimes just wish you could do it ALL alone? Or, are you grateful that your ex is in your kids’ lives, even if he/she is not always consistent?

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When your ex never leaves

Dr. Leah — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 09:14:33 +0000

As many of you know, neither of us got the chance to co-parent with an ex — unlike so many of you. Thank you for opening up about everything from how challenging co-parenting can be to what’s it is like to spend holidays with your ex.

So, when we read this very honest Modern Love column in the New York Times recently — “The Ex Husband Who Never Left” — we got curious. We’re sure you’ll have a lot to say about this one:

Six years ago, Stacy Morrison’s husband — and the father of their 10-month-old son — said, “with a wave of his hand, ‘I’m done with this.’ ”

He packed up his bags and moved out, “and yet, he never really left.”

“Two or three nights a week when I come home from work or an evening out, Chris is sitting at my dining room table, eating dinner or working at the computer, having entered with his own key and having made himself at home in the apartment that my son and I moved into after the divorce. If he orders food, he’ll sometimes get me my favorite nachos….”

In the meantime, Stacy has met a new lovely man, whose toothbrush now sits next to her ex-husband’s toothbrush in the cup.

Yes, you read that right: her boyfriend’s bumps up against her ex-husband’s toothbrush in the bathroom.

We encourage you to read the rest of this beautiful essay.

But in the meantime, we’re curious.

Do you think it’s admirable that this woman has such a close relationship with her ex-husband and an open-minded boyfriend who seems to go along with it all?

Or, is this all TOO much? Do you think this woman needs to make some boundaries? ASAP?

And men, we’d love to hear from you.

If you were dating a woman and her ex’s toothbrush sat next to yours in the cup, how would YOU feel?

***

At last, congrats to the winners of our book giveaway for Devotion:

Issa from Single Mama NYC

Jeannie from Cafe Jeannie

~~~

Photo courtesy of Evan Romine via Flickr

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It’s Christmas break and I haven’t met his kids

Rachel Sarah — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 16:00:18 +0000

A single mom we’re privileged to know shared this dilemma with us:

“I’m upset because my boyfriend hasn’t introduced me to his kids.”

Our single mom friend filled us in on the details by email: “I have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has a terrible relationship with his ex.”

For the record, he has three teenage boys, while her kids are “still in the Santa Claus phase.”

So, when her BF’s ex is manipulative and uses the kids against him, they know what’s going on: “They’re struggling to maintain a relationship with each other because she makes the kids feel guilty when they want to see their dad.”

She added: “My boyfriend is afraid of his ex because she continues to interfere with his relationship with his kids. ”

Here’s the current situation: they’ve been dating for almost two years (Wow!), and her boyfriend has promised (again) to introduce her to his kids this weekend.

But she has a feeling that he might might not follow through since he fears repercussions from his ex.

Of course, Dr. Leah and I buzzed back and forth about this situation.

We see two distinct dilemmas:

Our single mom friend is *involved* with a man who is still significantly controlled by his ex.

We wonder why the boyfriend has not mentioned his girlfriend in casual conversation with his boys during the last two years.

Is our single mom friend absolutely sure she knows the full story of their break up? His ex’s emotions seem pretty raw given that they’ve been broken up for more than two years.

If his ex is interfering in his relationship with his kids, what is he doing about it? Is there a court order in place? What advice has his attorney offered? Is counseling a possibility? Or, is he simply hoping his ex will calm down at some point?

Secondly, our single mom friend has incorporated her boyfriend into every aspect of her family life. This means that she has also taken the time — and hard work — to gain the approval and cooperation of her supportive ex.

It just seems a bit unfair and rather lopsided. Do you agree?

We see two possible options. Or maybe three?

The first option is just to keep things status quo. That means no contact between his kids and our single mom friend.

Or, the boyfriend could simply introduce the kids to our single mom friend (as promised) and deal with the fallout.

Lastly, maybe the adults should work this out without the kids. What if the boyfriend arranged to introduce his girlfriend to his ex? And then the girlfriend could appeal to her as a mom for cooperation to benefit everyone?

We’d love to know your thoughts!

What advice would you offer this single mom who’s tired of not being a full part of her boyfriend’s life?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of stheisen via Flickr)

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Are you just the transition relationship?

Rachel Sarah — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 10:23:36 +0000

“I just started dating a great guy, but I’m worried,” began an email from a single mom we know. “You see, I’m the first woman he has dated since his marriage.”

“He’s fantastic,” she went on, “but I know for a fact the first one after the relationship doesn’t have much of a chance. Right?”

Interestingly, when we recently asked you about dating someone who’s recently separated, your comments surprised us. Rather than following a hard-and-fast rule to avoid anyone who is “recently separated” on the dating scene, many of you said that it really depends on the person.

Here’s what this mom added:

This man is the doting father of two kids. He has a great job, he’s well-educated. Oh, and he also seems so kind, giving, and open.

They also have many friends in common. So, she wonders if she should just try to keep him in the “friend zone” for a while. She wonders if maybe she should let him date other women first and “sleep with someone else before me?”

But why?

He’s in the middle of a divorce — “an easy, agreeable divorce” — and his father died recently. Talk about vulnerable!

“But that is the least of my worries,” she adds. “My biggest concern is that I’ll be the FIRST after his wife. I need advice!”

“Am I being smart or ridiculous?” she asks. “Should I just go ahead and continue dating him — and risk being the rebound woman. Or, should I let him date others for a few months?

Clearly, she’s worried about being “the transition relationship” — and getting hurt.

Have any of you been in this situation? Do you have any advice?

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Happy Father’s Day, Part I

Rachel Sarah — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 09:30:25 +0000

Every day, we find comfort by reading many of the great dad bloggers we’ve discovered. We’re honored to know many of you online — and in person!

Because we feel encouraged by you amazing fathers out there, our list is overflowing. So, we’re starting little by little to celebrate Father’s Day with this first shout out to the following dads:

Matt Logelin, for landing a sweet book deal, which we read about yesterday in Publisher’s Weekly:

“Pitched as The Last Lecture meets Marley & Me, Matt Logelin’s Adventures with Maddy: A Memoir of Love, Loss and the Extraordinary Community That Healed Us, went at auction to Amanda Englander at Grand Central….

In the book, Logelin, who started a blog and founded the Liz Logelin Foundation after his wife died 72 [sic] hours following the birth of their daughter, offers advice on, and his own experiences, dealing with grief and loss. Per Grand Central, the auction was ‘heated,’ with seven publishers vying for the book.”… Congrats!

RJ at Single Dad: As you raise your three kids, you’ve inspired us to think beyond just beyond the cake and candles birthday party. You really honor how special your children are by letting them choose their own birthday adventures in the fall — such as taking your son fishing in Mammoth and your youngest daughter to San Francisco (where you’ll soon visit Rachel and her daughter!)

Jim at Depot Dad: We all say that we’ll be there for our kids no matter what. But you really are there every day for your kids, through your cancer diagnosis, which you’ve battled with inspirational bravery. We look forward to your next comics debut — international, we hope!

Mitch at McDad: Thanks for cracking us up, especially with your frequent posts about, uh, private parts! You’re one of those great married guys whom we wish lived next door.

Barry at Solo Dad : No one ever said that parenting would be easy. We’re blown away that even in the midst recent challenges, you always keep it honest and real. And we love your emotional posts about your older kids getting married.

Ian at Single Parent Dad: You are so amazingly present with your son, and your British humor keeps us on our toes. We’ve read this one raw, unconditional post of yours — My Turn — many times, thank you.

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To the married moms who envy us: how about a truce?

Dr. Leah — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 09:00:27 +0000

When “my babies” were growing up I realized that the harshest critics of “singlemommyhood” were often married moms (ouch!).

I’ll never forget the one mom who always seemed to work something about my divorce into our playground conversations.

Her comments went something like this:

“Your kids are really great despite the fact that you’re divorced.”

Have you ever experienced anything like this?

There is also that married mom who comments about the future of your kids:

“Children who grow up without a dad never have normal relationships (normal? ) and really never figure out how to be real adults (huh?).”

As much as these comments hurts, it’s important to remember that this mother is probably hurting more. Sadly, she might also feel envious of your single mom life.

After all, most single moms are incredibly brave and clear-headed. While we face struggles and indecision, these married moms see us an independent and in charge.

But this post is not about getting on the single mom soap box.

Instead, we’re here to ask all married moms: please stop snubbing us.

We no longer want to defend our status on the playground — or at PTA meetings.

We don’t appreciate the insults or negative feedback.

This also goes for the married mom — whose husband is traveling — who says to us, “I’m a single mom this week. I don’t know HOW you do it!”

We realize that you’re to empathize with us. But it sounds so condescending.

So, the next time you’re on the receiving end of such a remark about single parenthood, please remember that what’s behind her statement has everything to do with her life — and nothing to do with yours.

So, let’s try being friends, married moms. How about it?

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