This concern just might make it the No. 1 spot in our “Asked Most Often” category. MANY of you have emailed this question to us: “When is it okay for me to introduce my kids to meet someone I’m dating?” (And, yes, we’ve both asked ourselves this very same question!  We wish we had an easy answer.)

Most recently, we heard this question from a single mom and teacher. She has the summer off (yeah!), which gives her a bit of time to date. Not so fast: her daughter — who’s going into kindergarten in the fall — is with Mom all summer, too.

Moreover, this mom and her ex made a verbal agreement during their divorce four years ago: they’d wait at least three months to introduce their daughter to someone they’re dating AND they would inform each other beforehand about the plan. Unfortunately, her ex has already broken this promise. More than once.

This mom, however, is committed to keeping her dating and parenting lives separate until things get serious. She has been dating a man for two months now, and it’s going well. “He’ll come over to my place after my daughter is in bed,” she says, “and he leaves at midnight.”

But this mom wonders how long she can possibly keep this up: “What am I, Cinderella? This is not my real life. I wake up exhausted, and I need every extra ounce of energy for my daughter.”

So, she’s thinking about inviting her new *friend* to spend an afternoon with her daughter on an afternoon outing to the pool or playground.  “But I don’t know if I’m rushing things just because it’s summer,” this mom says. “I don’t have a lot of childcare options right now.”

Moreover, if things are going to get serious with this guy, she DOES want to see how he gets along with her daughter.

This  single  mom with a *friend* is eager to hear what you have to say:

Do you think it’s wise for the single mom to introduce her *friend* casually to her daughter now?

What do you say to your kids when you introduce them to a *friend*?

Have you found that summer does cause relationships to heat up just a bit faster?

~~

Image from Matchstick

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Because we’re both solo parents — we’ve been raising our kids without an ex in the picture — we often turn to YOU for advice when it comes to co-parenting.

One of the biggest challenges we hear from co-parents is how to let go when your kids are with your ex. It can be challenging to relinquish control — and to really trust that your ex is going to make responsible decisions. Do you agree?

You’ve told us how to make the best of holidays when you and your ex are coordinating them together. And  you’ve offered such great feedback about what to do when your ex brings his new “friend” to a school event. Just recently, we had a lively conversation about the need (or not) for consistency between co-parents.

So, we weren’t surprised to hear a call for your advice ASAP  from a blogger we admire. Ewokmama is a single mom who’s engaged to be married this fall – yeah!

Here’s what she told us about this sudden co-parenting crisis:

“I found out yesterday that my ex-husband plans to take our 3.5 year old son to a heavy metal (actually, it’s classified as “death metal”) concert in about a week. I don’t feel that this is an appropriate place for a preschooler.”

Of course, this single mom immediately did the research. She had hoped the venue would have age restrictions, but their website cited no such restrictions.

“I doubt it occurs to anyone that someone would bring a small child to a death metal concert.” (We agree.)

She went on to tell us that she’s especially concerned because her son is highly sensitive to noise. He gets scared if a loud vehicle passes by. She’s very worried about how he’ll respond to a loud rock concert filled with rowdy strangers, many of whom might be under the influence of one substance or another.

She and her ex have clashed before over what Dad felt was appropriate for our child. And ultimately, they could not agree.

So, the dilemma is obvious:

How do you suggest this single mom should approach her ex about her serious worries?

What words would you choose to convince her ex that this concert is simply not an appropriate parenting time activity?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of daMusic be. via Flickr)

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As many of you know, neither of us got the chance to co-parent with an ex — unlike so many of you. Thank you for opening up about everything from how challenging co-parenting can be to what’s it is like to spend holidays with your ex.

So, when we read this very honest Modern Love column in the New York Times recently — “The Ex Husband Who Never Left” — we got curious. We’re sure you’ll have a lot to say about this one:

Six years ago, Stacy Morrison’s husband — and the father of their 10-month-old son — said, “with a wave of his hand, ‘I’m done with this.’ ”

He packed up his bags and moved out, “and yet, he never really left.”

“Two or three nights a week when I come home from work or an evening out, Chris is sitting at my dining room table, eating dinner or working at the computer, having entered with his own key and having made himself at home in the apartment that my son and I moved into after the divorce. If he orders food, he’ll sometimes get me my favorite nachos….”

In the meantime, Stacy has met a new lovely man, whose toothbrush now sits next to her ex-husband’s toothbrush in the cup.

Yes, you read that right: her boyfriend’s bumps up against her ex-husband’s toothbrush in the bathroom.

We encourage you to read the rest of this beautiful essay.

But in the meantime, we’re curious.

Do you think it’s admirable that this woman has such a close relationship with her ex-husband and an open-minded boyfriend who seems to go along with it all?

Or, is this all TOO much? Do you think this woman needs to make some boundaries? ASAP?

And men, we’d love to hear from you.

If you were dating a woman and her ex’s toothbrush sat next to yours in the cup, how would YOU feel?

***

At last, congrats to the winners of our book giveaway for Devotion:

Issa from Single Mama NYC

Jeannie from Cafe Jeannie

~~~

Photo courtesy of Evan Romine via Flickr

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When I first read about this new trend of women celebrating their divorces — with cakes! — I thought the idea was hilarious.

How can you NOT laugh at the cake (above) in which the ex-wife is taking the garbage out. Get it?

And check out my favorite cake — via the Daily Mail –  in which a woman is pushing her ex OFF the cake. Ha.

When I first heard about these break-up cakes, it seemed like the most positive, light-hearted way to say goodbye to your pain and celebrate your new journey with friends.

But that’s when Dr. Leah, aka The Sanity Fairy, chimed in about the reality of these “celebrations” if you have kids.

Sure, having a break up party with an outrageous cake might be a great way to celebrate the end of your relationship, she told me. Especially if the legal wranglings were seemingly endless, this could be a symbolic way to move on.

However, Dr. Leah warns:

“If you feel that a “divorce party” is something you want, make sure that your kids are NOT invited.”

How true: it might be all light for you, but your kids would see things in an entirely different way. Surely, they would be hurt and confused by your celebration of an event that has been devastating to them.

“That why you need to seriously consider your kids’ feelings if you’re planning such a party,” Dr. Leah adds.

We’re sure that you have something to say about this:

If you’re in the middle of a divorce, have you considered baking a cake to celebrate?

If you’ve gone through a divorce and could turn the clocks back, would you have thrown a “break up party” like this?

(Photo courtesy of Bandit 37804 via Flickr)

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In honor of spring, we’ve got new beginnings on our minds! And behind the scenes, we’ve been working on our new logo, which we’re thrilled to show off here!

We know that you’ve been very busy getting things done, because you’ve openly shared so much about your lives since we launched (in December ’08!). We’re proud of everything you’ve accomplished so far this year. Bravo!

How many of you have spent recent weekends spring cleaning? Have you purged those ex-cooties and permanently closed the marriage museum?

We also know that some of you are thinking about going back to school to sharpen up your job skills, or to earn that degree. How many of you have been investigating distance learning and are well on your way? Congrats!

How many of you have fix-up projects on your mind? Perhaps you’re creating a kid-free zone – and feel ready to put a lock on your bedroom door. We realize that nobody makes the rules for you — but you. We’re behind you 100%.

Lots of you are making friends with married moms – and finding that they are facing many of the same challenges. Surprising, huh?

Almost all of you have your kids’ summer plans in place. What a big relief, yes?

Many of you have made it clear that relationships are a top priority — and some of you are wondering what “still best friends” really means? You’re setting new boundaries about letting your ex into your home – or letting go of exes on Facebook. We’re glad.

We’re excited that many of you are considering giving online dating a chance. You’re more confident that you do have that sixth sense. How many of you will be taking that online dating plunge?

We hope that you’ve been comforted by The Sanity Fairy™ this winter… and here’s to spring!  Count on more good advice on issues that matter to you.

And here’s our exciting spring news! We’ve got some terrific giveaways planned for April. Hint: we know that you love to read!

Visit us often! We love to hear from you.

Logo designed by the amazing Adam Sweeney

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Does your ex come into your home when he’s picking up the kids?

Although neither of us has personal experience with this –  we’ve raised our kids solo — we sure hear about this scenario from moms.

Let’s say that it’s your ex’s weekend with the kids. You’re scurrying around your home to pack their overnight bags — and perhaps pausing to put some lipstick on? Then, the doorbell rings. Your kids race to the door and open it.

Does your ex come inside? Perhaps he just stands awkwardly in the foyer and mumbles “hi” to you.

Or, does he walk confidently  inside your home and make himself comfortable on your sofa?

No matter how Dad’s visit plays out, we understand how challenging this can be for you.

We totally get it that you’re worn out from the divorce/break-up drama. You’ve vowed to use your “business manners” when your ex arrives. It’s just so much better for the kids if you’re both civil. Perhaps, down the road, you envision a rekindling of your shattered friendship so you strive to be polite and kind.

No doubt, your kids have more than once enthusiastically insisted that there’s something Dad has to see in their room (the new pet hamster?).  Maybe the kids need help in the bathroom before they leave. Either way, there he goes, headed straight down your hallway, and past your open bedroom door. If you still have lingering “feelings” for him, this proximity can be wrenching.

And what happens when he drops the kids back off? Does he join you for a family meal or movie night? Have the kids remembered something else they must show Dad prompting yet another trip to their bedroom?

We’re not giving dads a hard time for accepting their kids’ invitation into the house to see the new pet or science project.  On the contrary, we know that some moms often ask their exes for some handyman help. Who wants to pay a plumber, when your ex can fit the toilet in 10 minutes?

Or, how about that broken lock on your bedroom door?

Do you ever invite your ex inside to give you a helping hand?

On the other hand, we’ve heard about fathers who never cross the “threshold.” Instead, these dads stay in the car, honk the horn, and wait.

We’d love to know:

Does your ex cross your threshold, or does he honk the horn?

Do the kids invite Dad into your home?

Does he ever stay to play with the kids? Or, maybe for dinner?

~~~
Dads, hold on: We have a special post on a similar theme in the works for you this weekend!

Thanks to Ms. Single Mama for inspiring this post.

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Surely, you’ve noticed this lately online: there has been A LOT of controversial bad-mouthing of fathers.

Interestingly, readers’ comments have highlighted the fact that the single parent community needs to protect our kids. We all agree that kids get hurt when one parent bad-mouths the other.

We also know that, someday, our kids will go online and read our blog entries about our exes — as well as any nasty comments we might leave.

This is why I’m confused: if bad-mouthing fathers in a public forum is not healthy, why do we keep doing it?

Of course, I chatted with Dr. Leah — aka The Sanity Fairy™ — to understand this contradictory blogging trend better.

Here’s what Dr. Leah says:

Bad-mouthing your kid’s father is destructive to your child.

All of it: the name-calling, the derisive nicknames, and the endless recitations of his inadequacies. Kids quickly learn that no matter how involved Dad is — or isn’t –  they are still “half that person.”

If Mom persists in bad-mouthing Dad, kids must cope with thinking of themselves as “half liars” or “half irresponsible jerks” or “half lazy dead beats.” Coping with the “bad half” dilemma is an enormous developmental challenge for kids.

On top of social pressures, academic demands, and all the rest, kids will be haunted by doubts about their self worth based on what they hear Mom say.

~~~

You might know that both Dr. Leah and I had quite traumatic experiences with the fathers of our children.

We have plenty we could say in public about them. But we don’t.

So, why do other parents — who are clearly loving and responsible –  continue to bad-mouth their kids’ dads?

We understand the need to have a place to vent. Many of us are caught in a “perfect storm” of broken relationships, legal system snafus and catch-22′s, and economic woes.

So, here you are, sitting at the computer screen while the kids are asleep or pleasantly occupied, clicking away. You might feel like you’re chatting with trusted friends.

Blogging — and commenting — often feels like chatting behind closed doors.

It’s not.

Even if you leave a negative comment on a blog about your ex, your kids can find it and read it. Sure, you might be anonymous, but your babies will one day be tech-savvy and literate. And they’ll have friends with those same skills.

Indeed, anonymous blogging is an oxymoron, don’t you think?

We’d like to know your thoughts:

Do you rely on blogs — writing a blog, or commenting on them — to face what the world throws at you, so that you’re better able to take care of your kids?

We admit that maybe we’re way off here.

Is blogging far more private than we perceive?

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“Not Fun Mom” recently wrote to us:

“I split up with my ex shortly after our daughter turned two.  Our arrangement for the last year has been shared custody — one week at my house, then one week at Dad’s house.

Everything with “Dad” is fun and games. He is self-employed with extremely flexible hours so there is no “morning rush” to get her to day care.  After day care, he has plenty of time to play with her.  He’s not unlike an overgrown kid, which certainly contributed big time to our break-up.

My job is stressful with long hours. When I pick her up from day care, it’s a race to get home, make dinner, and do the bed and bath routine.  Of course, getting her to day care in the morning is also a hectic rush since lateness at work is not tolerated. On top of my work responsibilities, I am also the parent who leads the toilet training, buys all her clothes, and schedules every doctor appointment.

I am so exhausted that I just can’t get into the rough and tumble and imaginative play she so enjoys with her dad.

Our daughter lights up at the thought of being with her dad and, frankly… not so much at the prospect of spending time with me.

So, my question is . . .

Should I reconsider our custody arrangement and give Dad more time with her since he apparently has the time and energy to make her happy?”

Since you asked … Dr. Leah replies.

It really does sound like you have a lot on your plate.

Since “Fun Dad” is also “Mr. Flexible,”

Why isn’t he taking his fair share of parenting responsibilities?  For example, what if Dad scheduled and attended the pediatrician appointments?

Why should “Fun Dad” get to skip the difficult responsibilities like standing by as your child is inoculated?  He also won’t be stressed like you are when the doctor is behind schedule (always!). The same goes for clothes shopping and other such tasks.  Getting a preschooler to try on shoes and clothes… it’s not necessarily easy.

Sharing in the drudgery will more fairly balance the work load — and give him the opportunity to be a parent rather than simply a glorified playground buddy.

With some burdens lifted, you may find that you do have the time and energy to enjoy playing with your daughter. Consider these suggestions before making such a drastic change in your daughter’s parenting time schedule.

Can you relate to this dilemma?

Do you have more advice you might offer “Not fun mom”?

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