Singlemommyhood.com » ex

Should your boyfriend attend the kids’ school events?

Rachel Sarah — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 10:49:46 +0000

We’ve tackled the question about when to introduce your kids to your boyfriend. Single dads chimed in, and some of you defended your choice NOT to introduce their girlfriends to your kids.

Occasionally, our attempts to blend our private lives with our parenting responsibilities hit a dead end. For example, we’ve discussed your options when your boyfriend just doesn’t want a life with kids. We’ve never talked, however, about the unexpected issues that can arise when your kids and your boyfriend adore each other. So, when this single mom contacted us for advice, we wanted to get YOUR take on this dilemma.

Here’s what this mom told us:

“During our acrimonious divorce, my ex accused me of cheating on him with a married neighbor. Honestly, I was never unfaithful, ” she began. “My ex’s vile public accusations threw that neighbor and me together – and we discovered we were both miserable in our marriages.”

Not surprisingly, this mom and her neighbor found common ground – and started dating soon after both their divorces were finalized. She introduced her boyfriend to her three school-aged kids – and they instantly bonded. The kids now want this boyfriend included in everything – vacations, picnics, movie night, and, just this week, Family Fun Night at school.

Unfortunately, Dad has told the kids that he doesn’t like this guy – and he refuses to even say “hello.” Dad gets notified of all school events, but rarely attends. The kids hope Dad will come to Family Fun Night, and they also hope that Mom’s boyfriend will take part in the games and all the other fun.

So, Mom is facing quite a dilemma. She and her boyfriend are planing to marry – but she hasn’t told her ex of her plans since he’s still so distant and angry. But, the fact remains: the kids will soon have a dad and a step-dad. And, likely, down the road a step-mom, too. So, this is about far more than Family Fun Night. Mom wants to figure out how to approach Dad – or not – about kid plans that will involve her soon-to-be husband.

So, YOUR advice is needed:

Should this mom ask Dad – straight out – if he’s planning to attend? Maybe even encourage him to participate – for the kids’ sake?

Should this mom tell her ex that both she and her kids have also invited her boyfriend?

What if Dad refuses to attend – if her boyfriend also attends?

Should Dad’s feelings about her boyfriend trump the kids’ wishes that the boyfriend attend this event?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: beccafromportland

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When your ex’s family stalks you via social media

Dr. Leah — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:40:38 +0000

We know that you’re all about family – and you want your kids for the most part – to share in extended family activities. You’ve let us know – loud and clear – that relationships with extended family – particularly when your ex’s family is involved – can cause heartache and emotional strain. Frankly, we never discussed how social media can make us vulnerable to unwanted contact from extended family. So, when this loyal reader shared her situation with us, we knew she could count on YOU for advice.

Here’s what this single mom – she’s been through SO much – told us:

“My ex and I were together for just under three years. His family always included me, but I never felt comfortable or welcome,” she began. “Just before he and I moved into a studio apartment together, I overheard his parents tell him that they wanted better for him – and strongly urged him to break up with me.”

Shortly thereafter, this couple did break-up. One night – we definitely relate – they had sex. Despite being on the pill, she got pregnant – and knew immediately it was a girl. When she told her ex, he said the decision about about the pregnancy was up to her. When she told him, she intended to keep the baby, he responded, “you’ve ruined my life – and I’ll never forgive you”.

Unfortunately, her pregnancy was high risk. Procedure followed procedure and she was hospitalized twice. Finally, she delivered prematurely via c-section. The baby girl remained in NICU for five weeks. During the pregnancy, she heard nothing from her ex. His mother, however, did stay in touch and regularly interfered in this new mom’s life. She never – not once – mentioned her son’s name. While the baby was hospitalized, her ex visited regularly – always accompanied by his parents.

After the baby came home, this mom moved in with her parents. Her ex did visit – occasionally overnight – sleeping in a separate room. His mom stopped contact with her granddaughter. It was apparent that she had kept contact just so her son could step back into his child’s life when he felt like it. During one of these visits he mentioned that he was seeing someone – seriously – and he wanted her to meet his daughter. The baby was eight weeks old.

Right now, this sweet baby girl is two years old. She’s had a few complications due to her premature birth. Despite all the scary tests – with all the worrisome follow-up – her father has never asked a single question about his daughter’s medical history. He does make regular child support payments. Occasionally, his parents visit with their granddaughter around birthdays and holidays. Dad and his parents never see this little girl alone – Mom is always present. She just doesn’t trust him (or his parents) – and they don’t object. So, these arrangements work for this mom – in fact, she’s grateful her ex doesn’t insist on more parenting time.

Here’s the real problem. Just recently she discovered that her ex’s mom has been checking out her out via Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. Like many of us, this mom uses these accounts to stay in touch with friends – and professionally for networking. Of course, she realizes that everything placed online is available. It’s just her ex’s parents have shown no interest in her daughter. This latest drama is simply the last straw. If they’d – honestly – like to know something about her daughter, she’d willingly share.

This mom wonders how other single parents handle social media with their ex’s extended family.

So, please share your thoughts:

Would you advise that she simply ignore her ex’s mom’s intrusions?

Or should she take more radical steps to maintain some semblance of online privacy?

If so, what steps should this mom take?

[Advice from tech savvy parents definitely welcome]

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Alessio Gigli

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How should Santa Claus handle divorce?

Rachel Sarah — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:30:07 +0000

As most of you know, both of us always have our kids with us during the holidays. But, for many families, holidays together aren’t the norm. So, when a divorced single mom contacted us for advice about Santa Claus, we were eager to share her dilemma with you.

Here’s what this mom told us:

“My three-year-old son is now that the age where he really thinks about things — and is asking questions. He wants to know why and how, and he has recently started to ask about Santa Claus. For the past two Christmases, my ex and I have split Santa Claus,” she explained. “We’ve told our son that he visits both houses — one on Christmas Eve, and the other on Christmas morning.”

So far, this has worked. Their son knows that Santa Claus is the fat man with a beard and a red suit. But their son’s sense of time – like all kids his age – is really sketchy. Soon, however, their son might wonder how Santa Claus can possibly get to both Mom and Dad’s homes on consecutive days. Other kids at day care may tell him that Santa Claus only leaves presents one time.

Luckily, this mom and dad co-parent effectively. So they’ve chatted about how to deal with Santa Claus’ impending arrival. But they’re both a bit stumped.

So, this co-parenting mom and dad are reaching out to YOU for advice:

How do you handle Santa Claus’ visits – if your child has two homes?

Should these co-parents just stick to what’s been working — Santa Claus visits both houses?

Or, should they change their Santa Claus routine to one visit - so their son’s Christmas experience matches his day care friends?

(Photo via Flickr: saltycotton)

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When your ex doesn’t monitor screen time

Rachel Sarah — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:32:40 +0000

We’ve heard from many of you that one of your biggest co-parenting challenges is the fact that you and your ex have such different parenting styles. When it comes to how much time your kids spend in front of a screen, this issue can get very thorny for some of you.

We recently heard from a divorced mom who’s already feeling anxious about the upcoming holidays. Her parenting plan spells out that her daughters are with their dad during the first week of their winter break, and then with her for the New Year.

“The word ‘unplug’ doesn’t seem to exist in his vocabulary,” this mom says.

That’s because when their daughters — who are 6 and 10 — are with their dad, they’re glued to some kind of screen the whole week. Her ex is a tech geek who proudly buys every gadget when it hits the market. He has the biggest TV, the newest Mac Air, the iPad 2, you name it.

This mom has gently suggested to her ex that he might read to their kids at night, instead of letting them watch movies until they eventually pass out. But her ex has responded defensively: “He tells me that the kids deserve some downtime, and it won’t hurt them to play video games or watch TV over their break.”

“But when the kids come home after extended time with Dad, I feel like I spend the whole week weaning them from all that screen time,” she says.

Moreover, she recently found out that her ex lets their older daughter watch PG-13 movies — of course, their first grader wants to see them, too. She’s worried about how all this sexed-up content might be affecting her daughters.

We’d love to know:

Do you have any advice for this single mom before her kids go off to their dad’s house?

Do you and your ex have conflicting points of view about your kids’ screen time?

If so, how have you resolved – or not – these screen time co-parenting issues?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: pheckel

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When a single mom considers giving up custody

Rachel Sarah — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 10:00:53 +0000

We’ve chatted a lot about the stress of balancing your love lives with parenting. You’ve let us know that when your kids and love interests clash, it’s definitely an issue — and we get it. When this single mom contacted us — literally begging for help — we knew that she was confronting life-changing decisions. Please remember: no judgments here.

Here’s the situation:

“My boyfriend and I met online,” she says. “I told him right away that I was the single mom of a two-year-old.”

In fact, she posted a photo of her child. And he responded that he didn’t want any kids in his future. That worked for her because she assumed that he meant no more babies.

When they met in person, they just clicked. And they’ve been seeing each other exclusively for a couple of months now. Her boyfriend is quite successful and he’s talking about commitment — as in, a future together.

Of course, things are complicated. Right now, this mom has residential custody. Recently, however, her ex has asked for joint custody with parenting time evenly split. Her boyfriend enthusiastically supports this custody change.

In fact, her boyfriend is pushing — hard — to have Dad assume residential custody — and limit her parenting time to every other weekend. Moreover, her boyfriend would like her to relocate to California — effectively making her a long distance co-parent.

“I’m torn up inside about what to do,” this mom says.

She admits that she’s open to changing her parenting status. Currently, she is living at her parent’s house, sharing a bedroom with her daughter. She’d like to figure out who she is — and travel with her boyfriend to visit the exotic places she’s always wanted to see.

So, here’s what this mom wants to know:

As a single parent, have you ever felt overwhelmed — and tempted to let go of your responsibilities?

She’s also open to hear: does she need a wake-up call?

If so, please help inspire this mama as she takes a hard look at her life.

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When your boyfriend doesn’t want a life with kids

Dr. Leah — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 10:00:00 +0000

Single parenthood changes everything about dating. Balancing responsible parenting with finding love is never easy. Sometimes our romantic partners just don’t get along with our kids — we get it. Here’s what recently surprised us: a single mom contacted us with a relationship crisis. Yet, when we asked what it’s like when her boyfriend does spend time with her kids, she said that everyone gets along famously.

We’re looking forward to hearing your advice. Thanks! Here’s what’s happening:

“I’ve been dating a wonderful guy exclusively ever since my husband left me,” she began. (Her ex re-connected with his high school girlfriend via Facebook).

“My boyfriend and I were very communicative at the beginning. He knew that my kids — who are four and six — came first. And I knew that he wasn’t interested in marriage. He told me that he had no desire to have kids.”

Obviously, this relationship started out strictly for fun — without expectations. But, nine months have gone by. And they care deeply for one another. Her boyfriend is kind and patient with her kids. And they adore him. Of course, they do spend most of their time together without the kids, which they both prefer.

Recently, her boyfriend opened up to her and started the “where is this relationship going?” conversation. He told her that he’s frustrated with their part-time relationship — and he wants more. In the same breath, however, he insisted that he doesn’t want a life with kids — in fact, he wants nothing to do with fatherhood. This mama understands that, unless her boyfriend has a change of heart about her kids, there’s really no future.

Still, she’s loving this relationship right now — and he agrees they’re great together. So, this conflicted mama wonders:

Should she continue in this relationship — for right now?

Or, should she break off the relationship — immediately — before everyone gets really hurt?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Vasa

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When an angry single mom fears a possible custody battle

Dr. Leah — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 13:04:04 +0000

When we opened a conversation about custody recently, you let us know that many of you have endured long legal battles. And you also have the emotional — and financial — scars to prove it. We get it: custody battles (even the possibility of them) are traumatic. Please help this single mama figure out if unexpected changes in Dad’s behavior signals a future custody battle.

Here’s the situation:

“My ex and I were never married, but we did live together,” she explained. “Custody was never an issue when we broke up. Our son lives with me full-time.”

This mom left the relationship when their son was 14 months old. She insisted that Dad see their son exclusively at her home. (When they were still together, he’d taken their son to see the women — plural — with whom he was cheating — so, she felt humiliated and did not trust him.)

After a year or so, she agreed to let Dad take their son to his house — which he never did. Her ex pleaded that his work schedule was 70+ hours a week, and she tried to be understanding. But, when Dad popped in for just a few minutes and bolted out, their son sobbed pitifully. Eventually, this mama found out that her ex was lying. He worked fewer hours than he led her to believe — and now he had a girlfriend. So, instead of spending time with his son, this dad had actually been hanging out with his girlfriend and her son.

Here’s what happening right now. After her ex finally fessed up about his phony work schedule and new love interest, their son met his girlfriend. Now, they’re moving in together. Dad also instantly changed his parenting time schedule. Without fail, he now sees his three year-old son two full days a week — and an extra week night for dinner, too.

This mama is incredibly angry. And she’s not sure why. Maybe it’s because she has little time to date – she can’t leave her house after 8 PM unless she hires a babysitter. Her ex lied to her — again — about why he was shirking his parental responsibilities. And from her perspective, her ex is now the “fun dad” who can afford to indulge their child with endless treats and toys.

Despite her anger, this mom is focused on what might come next. She’s got no idea what prompted this sudden change in Dad’s parenting behavior. And she’s worried. After all, this is not the first time he’s pulled the rug out from under her — and their son.

Frankly, we’re stumped, too. Please offer some advice:

Do you feel Dad’s sudden behavior change signals a pending custody battle?

If not, what’s your explanation for why this dad now spends significant time with his son?

Can you relate to this mama’s angry feelings? If so, please share.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: alyna.waters

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Should kids attend their parent’s wedding?

Dr. Leah — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 09:58:52 +0000

“I love your blog and find it inspiring,” began an email from a divorced dad with an urgent question. This dad is getting remarried very soon. And he and his ex still have some kid issues that must be resolved.

Frankly, we think it’s a bit late to work out this co-parenting battle — yet we’ve got some definite thoughts on this dilemma. We’re eager to hear what you have to say.

Here’s the situation:

“My ex broke up two years ago,” this dad explained. “I’m getting married this month. And I’d like my two kids — who are four and seven years old — to attend.”

Apparently the kids’ mom does not agree that the kids should be at her ex’s wedding. She told Dad that the kids could not attend unless she was invited. This mom feels that attending the wedding will send the kids a damaging message: they are no longer ‘one family‘ and Mom is being replaced.

This dad says he has no intention of replacing Mom when he remarries. The wedding will be quite small and informal. And Dad feels the whole occasion will feel tense and awkward with his ex present.

Dad is picking the kids up early this Friday. He’d like to acknowledge his ex’s feelings, but, at the same time, firmly insist that the kids should attend his wedding. And he’d — definitely — like to avoid a nasty scene.

This quandary really puts the kids in a wedding tug of war. And neither parent is ready to concede.

We’re wondering how you feel about this co-parenting stand-off:

Is it ever a good idea to have kids attend their parent’s wedding?

Or, does attending a parent’s wedding always put kids on unnecessary emotional overload?

What’s your solution to this co-parenting conflict?

If it was strictly up to you, would these kids attend Dad’s wedding — or not?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: osvaldocontrerasjr

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Should first date conversations include relationship status?

Rachel Sarah — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 10:08:13 +0000

We know that many of you are dating — or thinking about dating again. We’ve chatted about how dating changes when you’re a single parent. And you’ve let us know that balancing your private life with responsible parenting is a challenge — and you’re definitely up for it.

This mama — who asked to remain anonymous — became single when she was pregnant. We were honored to hear that she’d read both of our books — The Complete Single Mother and Single Mom Seeking — as she made some very tough emotional decisions.

After finding out that her husband had been having an affair, she decided to move closer to home and family. She was soon solo parenting a newborn and getting a divorce.

“But after my ex was served with papers, he told me that he wanted to work things out,” she tells us. “I believed it/wanted it/remained suspicious — but I clung to that idea that I’d have a ‘real’ family. ”

So, she uprooted herself — again — with her six-week-old daughter to try to work things out. Right away, it was clear that not much had changed. Emotionally, he was distant. He wasn’t helping her financially and she had a hard time finding a job. Clearly, he was not committed to working things out. So, when she received a job offer, she decided to move back home again.

“In the meantime, my ex has since fathered a child with his girlfriend,” she confided, “Yes, it’s the same woman he was having an affair with when we were married.”

This mama tried to fast track her divorce action. Her attorney advised her, however, that she needed to reside in her home state for a year before she can file. Despite the legal snags and delay, she “feels divorced” — and wants to move ahead and get a life.

“I’m very ready to date again,” she told us. “That’s a given. But I’m not sure how honest I need to be before I actually meet a guy in person. I don’t want to have to tell a guy that I am not yet divorced until I know that I want to date him,” she explained. “I don’t want my separation status to be the subject of first date conversation.”

She has already learned the hard way that TMI — revealing too much too early – is a big turn off. “Yet, I want to be honest about what happened,” she said, “to explain why I’m no longer with the father of my child.”

Many of you have emphatically told us that dating someone separated — especially if this person isn’t honest about his/her relationship status — only leads to heartbreak.

Frankly, we can see both sides of this dating quandary. So, we’d love to hear from you:

Have you dated when you were just separated?

Did you volunteer your “separated” status on your online profile or first date?

Or, did you wait until you were confident the relationship had possibilities?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: sbrimbillina

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When a single mama (reluctantly) considers her options

Dr. Leah — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 18:55:06 +0000

A friendly single mom contacted us via Twitter with an interesting predicament. Like most of us, this mama’s relationship history is complicated. And when kids are involved — we all agree — there’s much more at stake than just the possibility of dashed hope and a broken heart. We’re curious about your perspective on this challenging relationship dilemma.

Here’s the story:

“I’m divorced with two young kids from this relationship,” this mama explained. “Their dad is somewhat present. However, he’s also delinquent in his child support payments.”

This reader also has a baby from another relationship. She was pregnant during their break-up. For the past year or so, she has been involved with another man. In effect, this man has become her third child’s “daddy” — although he’s not the bio-dad. Child support enforcement officials have told this reader they want to locate the bio-dad. She hopes this bio-dad never returns — she dreads him. He’s got some big secrets — including an abuse history. She wants him wiped from her life.

Recently, the bio-dad contacted our reader via Facebook — sending a message through someone else. In the message, Bio-dad apologized for bolting when he found out she was pregnant. And begged her not to hate him. She told her boyfriend right away about this unwanted contact.

Her boyfriend’s reaction was unexpected — and worrisome. Apparently, her boyfriend is now suddenly suspicious that she might get back together with the bio-dad. And she’s increasingly doubtful that her boyfriend want to co-parent – and accept the responsibility to parent her youngest child.

This mama loves her boyfriend. And she wants a future with him. Her kids are very attached to him. But, her boyfriend’s over reaction to the bio-dad’s Facebook message worries her. And his unspoken ambivalence about co-parenting — and parenting — her kids troubles her.

So, this mama would appreciate hearing your thoughts:

Is the bio-dad reaching out via Facebook something that would trouble any guy?

Or is her boyfriend signalling a waning commitment?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Preety1996

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