Responsible parenting is always on our minds. And the challenging kid issues we’ve tackled together cover a lot of territory. For example, we’ve talked frankly about managing kid issues at school. And about how to decide if your kid needs therapy. We’ve also talked about what to do (or not) if the kids unexpectedly interrupt your steamy love making.

No topic has inspired more passionate discussion than the “daddy” issues. Single moms on our site have candidly shared their worries about an absence of a male role model.  And they’ve generally fretted about how to raise emotionally healthy kids — particularly sons — without a “daddy.” (We’ve always made the distinction between “father” — which is strictly biology — and “daddy” — which means total love and commitment.) As solo moms, we’ve found these “daddy talks” comforting because such pressing issues are very real to us.

Frankly, however, we have a confession: We doubt that “mommy issues” are as troubling to our single dad community. We’ve always believed — rightly or wrongly– that single dads don’t worry about a lack of appropriate female role models. After all, elementary schools are crammed with wonderful – mostly female — teachers. And there are always lots of women eager to help a single dad befuddled by training bras or tongue tied when asked about tampons. Right?

Obviously, it’s time to ask the real experts … the dads in our community.

So, here’s what we’d like to know …

Do you worry about a lack of appropriate female role models for your daughters?  If so, how do you try to fill that void?

What worries about raising daughters keep you up at night?

And how can we help you?

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Photo via Flickr: DJBass

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When we’ve talked about absent (by choice) parents you’ve let us know the confusion and pain this choice creates for the abandoned kids — and for you. We’ve also huddled together about answering the “where’s my daddy” questions that inevitably pop up when kids start preschool. And we’ve  vented about “no-show” co-parents. Not only does this sudden reneging scuttle your personal plans, but it also creates kid emotional havoc.

Not too long ago, we had the great pleasure of sitting down with Single Mama NYC — who’s raising an adorable preschool son. Since we each have “other parent” issues, the topic of helping our kids cope was on the front burner that afternoon.

Specifically, Single Mama NYC candidly talked about handling a scheduled parenting time that doesn’t always happen. As the scheduled time approaches, she get anxious that her son’s father won’t show up. And her anxiety can sometimes rub off on her son. Moreover, if Dad doesn’t show, of course, her son is disappointed and out of sorts.

So, Dr. Leah quickly suggested: “A Daddy Book.”

A Daddy Book is simply an oversize drawing tablet that’s kept out of children’s reach until you’re facing a “no show” — or another absent parent crisis.  You can pull the book out, and give your your child the opportunity to draw whatever he or she chooses. You can also honor your child’s thoughts and feelings by writing them down word for word in the book.

This book is a great release for both of you, and it brings you both back to a calmer place — and to each other. When kids get older, this Daddy Book can also evolve into a private journal containing whatever your child wants to share at that moment with the absent or inconsistent other parent.

Single Mama NYC LOVED the idea! Of course, you’re the *REAL* experts. (And NOT every idea works well for every child …)

So, we’re interested to know:

Do you feel a Daddy (or Mommy) Book might soothe your kids when “other parent” issues arise?

How do you help your kids cope when the “other parent” disappoints or ignores them?

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We’ve had some incredibly frank conversations about co-parenting here. You’ve told us emphatically that co-parenting is a constant struggle. And you’ve confessed that sometimes you genuinely envy solo parents. You’ve also done some serious soul searching when it comes to co-parenting – or not — with your kids’ bio-dads.

When we received this email from the wife of a man who was caught in an outrageous co-parenting dilemma, it really struck home:  co-parenting is endlessly and uniquely complicated. And everyone involved has a different perspective and personal agenda.

We’re anxious to hear your reaction to this co-parenting quandary. Frankly, we’re shaking our heads.

“My husband and I are attempting to co-parent peacefully his three year-old daughter with her mother and her soon-to-be husband,”  this wife explains. “My husband and this woman were never married. ” (Hmm…this woman? That caught our attention, too.)

Although they broke up when she was pregnant, her husband sued for paternity. He voluntarily began to send child support payments, added the child to his health insurance plan, started a college fund, and sought scheduled and frequent parenting time. And then he met and fell in love with his wife.

From this wife’s perspective, the whole situation has been a nightmare. The wife feels that there’s so much animosity between this child’s parents because the mother never resolved her feelings of disappointment that this failed relationship meant that she’d raise her child as a single mother.

This single mom wanted to co-parent strictly on her own terms. And she insisted that Dad conform to whatever time schedule she determined. Eventually, her persistence wore Dad down, and he made a fateful and foolish decision:

After almost two years of this endless battling, Dad took a six-month break from the parenting time schedule. He thought that a cooling off period would ease the mutual resentment and anger. Sadly, Dad now recognizes that this was a poor decision.

When the parenting time resumed, Dad and his wife were astonished to discover that his daughter had been told her mother’s soon to-be husband was her father. Dad is now downgraded  to “family friend.” This little girl now calls her mother and her soon to-be husband “Mommy and Daddy.” Poignantly, she recently asked during parenting time what name to call her father.

Dad and his wife feel she is too young to understand the concept of step-parents. So, they simply tell her that she has two sets of parents who love her. In the meantime, Mom and her soon-to-be-husband refuse to discuss the situation with Dad and his wife.

So,  that’s the situation in a nutshell. This dad and his wife simply don’t know how best to handle this outrageous co-parenting stand-off.

What’s the best approach when a non-custodial parent is downgraded to family friend?

Is there a way to tell the truth to a three year-old without destroying her trust in her mother?

Or is it best to forgo the drama and explanation for now?

Should this dad wait until his daughter is older before fully explaining he’s actually her father?

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Photo via Flickr: nokuckle

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A solo mom who recently followed us on Twitter contacted us with some questions about her toddler’s future relationship with his father. We applaud this spunky mom’s candor and foresight. But, we’re just not sure how best to cope with this particular co-parenting (or not) challenge.

Here’s what this solo mom shared with us:

“My son is three years old — and he’s an amazing child who brightens my life every day,” she told us proudly.”His father has seen him about five times in his life. Honestly, my son has no idea who this man is, and I’m not sure if he gets the concept of having two parents.”

Of course, there’s more to this solo mother’s story:

While they were together, her child’s father enlisted in the military. Shortly after she found out she was pregnant, they broke up. While she was pregnant, her ex managed to meet someone else and get married. After he got married, her ex lost all interest in his son.

This solo mom filed for child support. And this is the only sustained contact these parents have with each other. Occasionally, this mom sends him photos or information about his son. She has kept an open door policy for his extended family, too. But, she has lost hope that her ex will call or do anything voluntarily to support or connect with his son.

Surprisingly (maybe not?) these potential co-parents are still in conflict:

When this dad is home on leave he wants to spend one day only with his son. And he demands that this solo mom allow him to spend that one day in his home with his new wife and their infant son. She has explained countless times that her son needs to know him before she can feel comfortable letting that happen.

Typically, even if Dad agrees to an alternative arrangement — like meeting at a playground or other kid friendly place — he’s a no show. And he won’t make any effort to see his son for the remainder of his leave. Distressingly, this father tells anyone who’ll listen that this mom keeps his son away from him.

Frankly, this mother is conflicted:

She feels that her son needs to know his father. And she knows that he’ll soon start asking the “daddy questions.”Yet she does not want her son to play second fiddle to his father’s other son — and future children.

Also, this mom relishes the freedom of solo parenting. She likes raising her son on her own terms, as well as knowing that she can trust everyone around her son. Frankly, a big part of her loves that her ex is out of the picture.

Looking ahead, this single mom wonders about her son’s relationship (or not) with his father.

And, she’s asking for your frank appraisal of her actions so far ….

Is this solo mom being *harsh* by not allowing her son to spend that one day in his father’s home?

Or are her concerns totally justified?

How can this mom reconcile her desire to solo parent and have her son know his father?

Personal experiences are always welcome.

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Daniel Hurst Photography)

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We’ve talked quite a lot here about the challenges of co-parenting. You’ve been quite candid in letting us know that   compromise and flexibility play a large role in any successful co-parenting arrangement.  And you’ve also let us know that co-parenting is often a complicated and emotional effort.

A recent email from a military mom reminded us of just how tough it is to decide how to handle unforeseen co-parenting complications.

Here’s what this military single mom has explained to us:

” My ex husband and I split up about a year and a half ago. We were both in the military, and he deployed when I was five months pregnant. He returned safely when our son was ten months old,” she wrote, sharing the details of her dilemma.

Yet her husband had returned a very different man — and their relationship simply did not work anymore. By the time their son was eighteen months old, divorce proceedings were already underway. Since their divorce about a year and a half ago, this dad has not seen their son.

Here’s the update: this dad was deployed a second time. Before this dad was re-deployed, however, he got married for the second time.  This second marriage also did not last.

Many us can relate to what happened to this soldier dad. After several frank conversations, this single mom found out that this soldier got bamboozled by his second wife. She blew the money from the deployment and reenlistment bonus.

“By the time he came home, he had nothing but huge credit card debt.  And she even took his personal belongings,” this single mom confided.  “He is up-to-date on child support and maintenance. And for the past six months he has called our son once a week.”

This soldier dad has received new orders to report in December to his new duty station in another country. He’s getting ready to leave shortly from his current duty station in California and coming to see their son — who’s now three years old — in Florida.

Here’s what got this single mom perplexed:

Her ex has asked to stay at her house to be close to his son. He has no extra cash for a hotel. The reason he’s visiting his son — rather than taking his son to his own home in California — is that their son receives intensive speech therapy, which neither parent wants interrupted.

This single mom told him she’d think about it. Obviously, she needs to make a decision right away.

So, this mom needs to hear from YOU …

Is allowing her ex to sleep on her couch just too weird or awkward?

Should she offer to pay for half the hotel bill (even though her budget is tight)?

Or should they both just get over it and let him stay?

Does their son’s need to spend time with Dad trump their uncomfortable feelings?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of USAG Schweinfurt Public Affairs)

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Whenever we’ve written about “daddy” questions here, you’ve opened up to offer heartfelt advice. You generously gave advice to this single mom who worried about what to tell her two-year-old daughter when she started asking, “Where’s daddy?” You also offered suggestions to this single mom who worried about her father-less son.

This week, the single mom of a four year-old son wrote to ask for some help. She was with her her son’s father for four years and they broke up when their son was a baby (after he had an affair that made him a father again).

“My son’s father has never really been apart of his life,” she says. “It’s not just the fact that he cheated on me, but I found out that he started to deal drugs.”

When she brought up getting some help for him, he waved off her offer. She considered suggesting any number of drug addiction interventions — especially after she’d heard through friends that her ex was still dealing. But she hasn’t heard from him for months.

“Right now, this is best because I don’t want my son in that type of environment. Yet, in the back of my mind, I wonder if I’m doing my son a disservice — because ultimately, this man is his father.”

“I’m really at my wit’s end, worrying about this,” this mom tells us.”I don’t want my son to resent me later in life, or suffer emotionally or developmentally. I can’t change my ex,” she adds, “but I don’t know what to tell my son when he starts to ask about his dad.”

This is definitely a complicated situation. Of course, her son’s bio-dad is neglectful and likely never to be a “daddy” to his son. But, we’re obviously concerned about exposing a child to any adult who’s doing and dealing drugs.

We know that many of you have had experience coping with a partner’s addiction and illegal activities.

So, we’re asking you to help this single mom out.

What’s your advice on how to respond to her son’s inevitable “daddy questions”?

Does every child have a right to know the other parent?

Or, is contact with a drug dealing parent absolutely out of the question?

(Photo courtesy of WoodleyWonderWorks)

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When we got that email from the woman who’d reached out to us about breaking up when you’re pregnant, 75 of you (!) commented with so much honesty and insight. Thank you for your helpful advice, and also for sharing your own stories.

This week, another single-mom-to-be — who lives in California and is due in five weeks — emailed us for some help. Here’s what she says:

“My boyfriend and I split up last spring, and I found out I was pregnant the evening I was moving everything out of his apartment. He spent a couple of months being very confused. One minute he told me to get an abortion, the next he said that he wanted to be a daddy.”

Although he offered to come to her ultrasound this summer — she found out she’s having a boy — he has had almost no involvement in her pregnancy. When she tried to contact him over the summer, he was almost always out partying. Then, in August, he told her he was dating someone else, “and we have not spoken since then.”

“I still can’t believe that I’m going to be a single mom, but I’m doing my best to focus on myself and my baby right now,” she says. “I am finding ways to keep smiling, watching football, watching Gossip Girl, working a lot… I know that this baby is going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

She has also decided that someday — hopefully, sooner than later — she’d like to meet a loving, reliable, caring man who might become her life partner. “During those quiet nights alone, with only my kicking baby and Netflix to keep me company,” she says, “I have really discovered what is important to me and who is important to me.”

She adds that she’s doing her best to look on the bright side — which means being open to meeting a man who might truly love her as a woman and a mother, as well open to becoming a father.

But how?

There’s no doubt that dating while pregnant raises the stakes—after all, this is not just about you anymore. Whoever you invite into your life must be truly worthy of you and your baby. At the same time, the reality of a pregnancy can help weed out the jerks, right?

Do you have any advice to help this single-mom-to-be as she enters the dating world?

How can she avoid any red flags, such as a guy who brings up marriage too soon?  Or, a guy who acts too possessive?

Do you feel that she is too emotionally vulnerable now to sort through the inevitable dating drama?

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Photo courtesy of Ed Yourdon

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It has been exciting to meet so many Choice Moms this month. We’ve also heard from quite a few single women — who’ve been lurking here — as they think about the possibility of becoming mothers.

We’re honored that these potential “donor shoppers” are coming to Singlemommyhood for advice as they imagine the possible reality of becoming moms. We know that the future can be overwhelming for any prospective choice mom. Just thinking about where to start — like choosing a donor — is a serious decision.

That’s why we’re sure that many of you (whether you’re already parenting alone or co-parenting) will have answers to this important question:

If you could hand-select a quality in bio dad, what would the MOST essential quality be?

For example, some women say that a man’s education is at the top of their list. Others would tell you that it’s a guy’s mental health that matters. We welcome everyone to leave a comment. If you’re a single mom (or dad) who can offer advice to this prospective choice mom, please chime!

If you’re a woman who’s thinking about becoming a choice mom — or you’re already a choice mom who’d like to add to your family — please let us know this in your comment.

Here’s why: Prospective choice moms who leave a comment are eligible to win a Donor Matching Consultation from California Cryobank! Donor Matching allows you to select up to 12 sperm donors. Then, their experienced matching consultant will compare a photograph you supply (of a relative, brother, friend, etc.) to your selected donors to determine which donors’ facial characteristics are most similar to that of your photo.

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Contest is open through Monday, Oct. 16, at midnight EST.

(Photo courtesy of Matthew Bowden)

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Co-parenting challenges continue to inspire passionate debate @Singlemommyhood.  When we opened the conversation about long distance co-parenting, however, you unanimously pointed out the inevitable heartache when your kids live too far away for daily — or even weekly — parenting time.

So, when Mike, a dad blogger whom many of you follow, contacted us with a wrenching long-distance parenting crisis, we knew you’d have valuable experience to share.

Here’s the situation:

Mike and his eleven year-old son live in different states. Although Mike has joint custody, he is only able to see his son about five times a year. His son’s maternal grandfather recently passed away. And Mike’s son was very close to his grandfather.  Mike has not had much communication with his son since the tragedy. His ex is deeply grieving her father’s loss, so she has communicated even less than usual with Mike. Since his grandfather’s death, Mike’s son quickly jumps off the phone every time he calls.

Mike feels his son is isolating himself –a response Mike recognizes since this is the way he copes, too.

“I’m feeling very helpless so far away, ” Mike told us. “Without any real communication, I can’t really judge how my son is doing. And I surely don’t know how to help him.”

Helping your child cope with the death of a loved one means calling on your deepest reserves of emotional strength. Trying to comfort long distance without any meaningful gauge of how your child is coping is  incredibly difficult.

But, we’ve all accomplished parenting responsibilities others would find impossibly daunting.

So, we’re asking you to share your perspective and experience:

How can this long distance dad lovingly support and comfort his grieving child?

Has the death of a relative or friend impacted your own child?

If so,  how did you help your child deal with such a tragic loss?

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The *ideal* situation in which co-parents live in the same community often isn’t reality.  New relationships, shifting career opportunities, and other BIG changes often mean that co-parents need to get creative about how to communicate and keep those all important kid ties.

We know that many of you are in that boat. So you already know … working together as long distance co-parents to keep close ties with your kids  is a challenge.

That’s exactly what Caitlin, single mom of two young kids told us recently. Like so many of you, she’s doing her best to help a long distance co-parenting dad maintain close tie with his kids.

Five years ago, Caitlin moved from Arizona to Florida for a new job. Her kids’ father remained in Arizona. “We agreed that we would keep communication and access to the children as open as possible,” she says.

“They spend a month each summer with their father, and we occasionally make shorter trips throughout the year. But with computers and phones we’ve been able to stay in touch quite easily, and we’re communicating in some way nearly every day. It really helps it seem like Dad isn’t so far away.”

Here’s how Caitlin encourages her kids to stay in touch with their dad:

Snail mail: “Frequently, my kids draw a picture they’d love Dad to keep. I make the effort to mail their art work or extra special school papers. It makes a difference.”

E-mail: “It’s easy to sit down and type out a few lines to let your child know you’re thinking of them, and have it reach them almost instantaneously. I have set up email accounts for my kids, but I make sure to supervise them. I also teach them to recognize spam and notify me of any suspicious e-mails they receive.”

Conference Calls: “Of course, email is no substitute for my children being able to hear their father’s voice, and to be able to recount stories of what happened at school that day. When you hear the term conference call, you probably immediately think of an office and a boring meeting. But I have a dedicated toll-free number that the kids can call  when they’re visiting their dad, without incurring long distance charges. What’s great about this, too, is that more family members can join in. We try to organize the entire family to get on a single call on important days like birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.”

Skype: “A conference call account is easy and convenient because all you need is a phone. But if you have a computer and webcam, you can also do video chats.”

We’d LOVE to hear from other long distance parents.

How do YOU stay in touch?

What advice can you offer other long distance parents?

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(Photo via Flickr: wgbh )

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