Singlemommyhood.com » parenting

Should this single dad try to date his son’s teacher?

Dr. Leah — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:12:09 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community is divided over our kids’ use of social media. And that’s OK. Some of you resist your kid’s pleas for a Facebook page. Other parents chose to monitor social media. Recently, we heard from a single dad seeking advice on a dating – or not – dilemma involving his thirteen year-old son and Facebook. Struck by the complexities of this sticky parenting quandary, we really need your advice.

Here’s the story:

“My son couldn’t wait to tell me that his math teacher had a Facebook page. And that was just the beginning,” this dad confided. “My son pulled up her Facebook page. Eagerly, he pronounced his teacher *hot* and urged me to ask her out.”

Of course, because his son isn’t Facebook friends with this particular teacher, Dad couldn’t see her entire profile. But, after seeing a glimpse of her profile photo, Dad did not deny this: she looked stunning in a frankly provocative outfit.

Still, Dad wonders how to respond to his son’s well-intentioned suggestion. Dad never thought of his kid’s school as a pick-up spot. Yet, this Facebook profile photo seemed to invite something more than the typical parent/teacher relationship.

So, Dad is looking for advice from other single parents.

Is trying to date your kid’s teacher an irresponsible parenting choice?

Is the potential for fall-out on your kid just too big a risk?

Or is this a narrow minded view?

If you’re a teacher, what’s your social media policy with students and parents?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Sean MacEntee

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When a married mom worries about a step mom’s boundaries

Dr. Leah — Mon, 28 May 2012 13:50:41 +0000

Every time we open a conversation about co-parenting challenges you honor us with your frank comments. Whether co-parents clash over homework or scheduling conflicts, successful co-parenting is a tough slog. We get it.

So, when this married mom contacted us with a dilemma we’ve never discussed, we rushed to get your advice.

Here’s the situation:

“My ex and I are divorced. And we’re both remarried. We have a seven year-old daughter,” she explained. “I’ve tried to create a harmonious blended family, but I’ve got serious issues with my daughter’s step-mom’s boundaries.”

This step mom cries a lot. Sadly, she’s been unable to conceive – and tears up when babies are mentioned. She has openly shared other medical issues – including back pain – and takes daily medication. Parenting time transitions are difficult. This step mom cries – and the little girl gets weepy, too. Shockingly, this step mom also spanks this little girl – even when her father is present. And she also takes it upon herself to take this little girl to doctor’s appointments without informing Mom or Dad.

This mom recently heard quite the story from other parents at school.This step mom broke down in front of a group of parents and teachers because prior obligations potentially prevented her from attending the class play. The teacher – unglued by her emotional display – arranged for the step mom to attend a closed dress rehearsal.

Strikingly, when her daughter was enrolled, everyone assumed the step mom was the biological mom – she’s always at school and volunteers at every opportunity. Unfortunately, Mom cannot participate as fully in school events. She works overtime to pay the private school tab. Of course, this makes Mom feel uncomfortable – and jealous.

Incredibly, Mom has never confronted this weepy step mom. Several weeks ago she had a long conversation with her ex. He seemed baffled by what Mom had shared about the step mom’s boundary issues.

Events have taken a worrisome turn. This step mom is asking Mom to rearrange the summer parenting time schedule so that her daughter can travel by airplane to visit the step mom’s family. Her ex will not accompany them. She’s contacted her ex via email asking to discuss this proposed trip, but he hasn’t responded.

“I have major concerns about this trip,” she emphatically stated. “Of course, there are logistical issues. I don’t know where they will stay or how to reach them.”

More importantly, this mom wonders about this step mom’s emotional stability. Her inner voice warns her that something is just not right with this travel request. She fears that the step mom may somehow not bring her little girl home. At the same time, she weighs approving the trip just to keep the peace.

This mom is looking for your feedback:

What’s your take on this step mom’s behavior?

Can Mom trust this step mom to take care of her little girl?

Did it also occur to you that this step mom may not bring this little girl home?

Or is Mom reacting a bit dramatically to this proposed trip?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: John Kittelsssrud

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You’re a GREAT mom. Tell us why.

Dr. Leah — Fri, 11 May 2012 20:58:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community was created to provide parents – no matter how their families originated – the 24/7 comfort and support we all deserve. We honor every mother in our community. We get it – you’re juggling demanding careers, returning to school, inflexible budgets, inconsistent childcare, complicated dating situations, challenging family relationships, inadequate child support, difficult exes, erratic parenting time schedules, and so much more.

We’re in awe of everything you accomplish – and very proud of YOU.

We’ve come to know some of you very well — through your generous comments, Tweets, and emails. That said, there’s so much more that we wish we knew about you.

We’re eager to hear more about who you are.

So, please take a break ... tell us why you are a GREAT Mom.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Carla W.

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3 tips to help the kids through your break-up

Dr. Leah — Sat, 05 May 2012 12:31:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting. When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip. A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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When grandparent behavior upsets a single mom

Dr. Leah — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:00:05 +0000

When the Singlemommyhood community shares personal truth about how our parents are involved – or not – in our daily lives, our challenges are obviously quite different. Some of us get lots of help from our parents. Other parents withhold help because they don’t agree with our choices and demand we confront a relationship partner we’d rather forget. Frankly, we know there are many troubling issues related to your own parents – and in-laws – that we’ve not discussed. So, when this single mom contacted us with a troubling parent issue, we rushed to share her thorny dilemma with you.

Here’s what this single mom shared with us:

“I’m a twenty-seven year-old never-been-married mother of a four year-old daughter. The bio-dad is not – never has been – involved,” she volunteered. “My parents have been quite generous. My mother lived with us when my maternity leave ended so that my daughter didn’t need day care immediately. Financially, they’ve helped with expenses. And I’m grateful.”

This mom values extended family relationships – especially since this little girl’s father is absent from her life. Unfortunately, her parents view this mom and her daughter as their children – not a separate family. Practically speaking, this means that her mom and dad behave towards their daughter – and granddaughter – just as they did when this mom was growing up.

This mom’s parents do and say things that threaten to destroy trust. Specifically, these grandparents routinely yell, guilt trip, and name call. Her dad has called her “slut” and “brain damaged” in front of her daughter. Eventually, he apologizes. Such words – as we all know - are emotionally damaging. Dad has never spoken to his granddaughter in this way, but overhearing such words is simply not healthy.

This single mom now faces a terrible dilemma. Her parents are her closest and most dependable supporters. And her daughter has forged strong bonds with her grandparents. But, her parents create – at a minimum – an atmosphere of negative self-worth. This is not how this mom wants to raise her daughter. She well understands the emotional damage her parents’ behavior inflicts.

So, this conflicted single mom needs YOUR advice:

Can you relate to the issues she faces with her parents?

Is it possible to keep her parents an integral part of her daughter’s life despite their questionable behavior?

If so, what steps can this mom take to protect her daughter from the emotional damage her parents inflict?

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: Lotus Carroll

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Whose last name do your kids have?

Dr. Leah — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:33:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community offers everyone an opportunity to discuss – with no judgment – emotionally charged issues that really matter. You’ve weighed in on unwanted co-parenting and facing the future when your baby’s father is absent. These conversations highlight how much YOU value making decisions that feel “right” for your family. A conversation about deciding your kids’ last names is a long overdue.

Here’s why: making a decision about your kids’ last names is a big issue for many of you. After all, a last name is more than just a legacy – it carries much weight when it comes to relationships and family. Post-divorce name changes are common, but so emotionally charged. In some families, kids may have different last names because they have different dads.

Everyone takes a different path to settle on the “right” last name choice. I kept my married name even after my kids’ father left us for good. I wanted to change my own name back to my birth name. But, after much thought, I decided against it. My work references were in my married name – and I was afraid to risk any confusion when prospective employers called my references.

Sharing the same last name as my kids also meant much less explaining – especially when filling out those pesky school forms. Frankly, I thought – fleetingly - about changing my kids’ names to my birth name. However, my son – Andrew – had already mastered spelling and printing “Klungness” – no small feat in kindergarten. So, changing his last name would have been confusing and upsetting to him. That truth clinched the last name decision for me.

We’d love to hear about your kids’ last name(s):

Whose last name(s) do your kids’ have?

Do they carry your birth name? Your ex’s name? Or did you hyphenate?

How did you decide what last name was “right” for your kids?

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: JeriCams 94

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When a choice mom faces unwanted co-parenting

Dr. Leah — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 17:27:53 +0000

We’ve opened several frank conversations about answering your kids’ questions about an absent parent. It’s such a comfort to hear advice from single moms – and dads - who understand exactly what you’re facing. Choice moms also chimed in detailing how they answer their kids’ inevitable “daddy” questions. So, when this mom contacted us about a wrenching parenting challenge she never anticipated, we simply shook our heads.

Here’s the situation:

“I’m a choice mom of a wonderful five year-old boy,” she began. “He was conceived via an anonymous sperm donor – he’s never had any kind of father figure in his life.”

This mom recently gave birth to a little girl conceived after a brief unremarkable encounter. Her son is quite attached to his seven month-old sister. He also takes great comfort that he and his little sister share a unique sibling bond - no “daddy” in their lives. Like many unplanned pregnancies, this mom’s reaction quickly shifted from shock to joy. From this new perspective, she felt pride in the family she created – and relished her solo mom life. She never anticipated co-parenting or child custody issues.

With no warning – everything changed. Her daughter’s bio-dad abruptly demanded shared child custody and extensive visitation rights. State child custody laws are such that he will eventually get – litigation has just begun - co-parenting status.

“I feel overwhelmed and infuriated,” she told us emphatically. “My daughter’s dad is a virtual stranger – really nothing more than a sperm donor gone wrong – and now he wants to break up my happy little family.”

This mom knows that she must start preparing her son – very soon – for this total shift in lifestyle and family status. She’s trying to frame this change in the most positive way, but – honestly – she has zero interest in co-parenting.

So, she’s reaching out for YOUR help …

What tips can you share as this choice mom negotiates the child custody arrangements and visitation schedule?

How does this choice mom explain to her five year-old that he doesn’t have a daddy, but his baby sister does?

What advice can you offer this choice mom as she copes with the new experience of co-parenting?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: TheMystic

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Are teens losing their social skills? We’re worried

Dr. Leah — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 08:02:02 +0000

Maybe you have a teenager (or more than one?) Maybe you work with teens, or you’ve got teenagers in your extended family. If you have a teen in your life, we’d love to know if you worry about this, too.

We’ve chatted about all kinds of kids and technology dilemmas here — including the pros and cons of blogging about your kids.

Many kids consume media as a full-time job (with overtime) according to the Kaiser Family Foundation. Frankly, we do worry about these online activities long term. We wonder about the possible implications of texting, instant messaging, and Facebook on kids’ social skills. Before electronic media, kids often had a “best friend” in whom to confide. Long conversations took place on the telephone.

Psychologists and other experts worry that our connected kids miss out on experiences that help them develop social skills, such as empathy and understanding. These experts also insist that when kids become teenagers, they are clueless about how to interpret body language and other social cues.

Other experts, however, believe that social networking are helping kids develop stronger friendships. They cite the 24/7 availability as a way kid friendships are strengthened. The benefits of social media for shy or withdrawn kids are touted. These experts see Facebook, for example, as a tool to help such kids develop critical social skills.

So, the experts are sharply divided. We believe the REAL experts are YOU. Especially since your kids are “digital natives” meaning they have grown up using computers.

So, we’re wondering …

Do the teens you know ever talk on the phone anymore? Or, is it all about texting?

Do you worry about the impact social networking might have on your kids’ social skills?

If so, what measures do you take (or hope to take) to help your kids develop friendships IRL?

Or, is our concern really a “non-issue” which does NOT worry you as a parent?

~~~~

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5 essential steps to successful co-parenting

Dr. Leah — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 20:47:08 +0000

Successful co-parenting happens when you both realize that your divorce – or break-up – may have ended your relationship, but not your responsibilities as parents. Sadly, the majority of couples who separate don’t realize they can raise their kids together successfully – even though they no longer live together.

At first, it may seem that co-parenting is simply impossible. Keep in mind, however, that you are not jointly parenting. Co-parenting means doing your best to cooperate with each other to ensure the most consistent and least disruptive path for your kids.

So, if you’re considering co-parenting – or attempting it right now, these steps and advice will help guide you:

Step #1 – Keep your feelings about each other out of your kids’ hearts + heads. No matter how angry, betrayed, or bitter you may still feel, if you can’t put a lid on it in front of the kids – failure as co-parents is inevitable. Co-parenting requires maturity, grace, and stamina. Find an appropriate outlet for your unresolved feelings. Talking to your ex about the kids simply cannot become your time to vent.

Step #2 – Carrots work better than sticks. Maintain respect for your ex – this person is your kids’ other parent. Even if the other co-parent’s involvement is minimal, your kids benefit from this contact. Praise for the other parent’s efforts is a strong predictor of co-parenting success.

Step #3 – Keep the lines of communication open. Communication lies at the heart of any relationship. If your marriage or relationship suffered from a lack of communication, resolve – for the kids’ sake – to find a way to communicate. Technology is a handy solution – if you prefer not to meet in person or chat on the cell. Find the tools – and the commitment – by which respectful communication takes place.

Step #4 – Allow for change + scary feelings. Your agreement to co-parent represents yet another change – on top of the huge change everyone experienced when you divorced or separated. It’s okay to feel scared because it signals that you recognize your kids’ futures are at stake. Co-parenting is a formidable challenge – and – realistically – why would you not feel just a bit scared?

Step #5 – Talk + listen to your kids. Your kids will want to know the nuts + bolts of the new parenting arrangement. Little kids, for example, will want to know where Santa Claus will visit. Or how the Tooth Fairy will find them. Older kids will want to know if friends can visit at both homes – and if they’ll need to change schools. Don’t expect every last detail to get ironed out immediately. Encourage your kids to share their concerns and questions with both of you. Family meetings are ideal – if you can swing it – so everyone gets the opportunity to be heard.

~~~~~

This post authored by Dr. Leah originally appeared in Two Happy Homes.

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Should your boyfriend attend the kids’ school events?

Rachel Sarah — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 10:49:46 +0000

We’ve tackled the question about when to introduce your kids to your boyfriend. Single dads chimed in, and some of you defended your choice NOT to introduce their girlfriends to your kids.

Occasionally, our attempts to blend our private lives with our parenting responsibilities hit a dead end. For example, we’ve discussed your options when your boyfriend just doesn’t want a life with kids. We’ve never talked, however, about the unexpected issues that can arise when your kids and your boyfriend adore each other. So, when this single mom contacted us for advice, we wanted to get YOUR take on this dilemma.

Here’s what this mom told us:

“During our acrimonious divorce, my ex accused me of cheating on him with a married neighbor. Honestly, I was never unfaithful, ” she began. “My ex’s vile public accusations threw that neighbor and me together – and we discovered we were both miserable in our marriages.”

Not surprisingly, this mom and her neighbor found common ground – and started dating soon after both their divorces were finalized. She introduced her boyfriend to her three school-aged kids – and they instantly bonded. The kids now want this boyfriend included in everything – vacations, picnics, movie night, and, just this week, Family Fun Night at school.

Unfortunately, Dad has told the kids that he doesn’t like this guy – and he refuses to even say “hello.” Dad gets notified of all school events, but rarely attends. The kids hope Dad will come to Family Fun Night, and they also hope that Mom’s boyfriend will take part in the games and all the other fun.

So, Mom is facing quite a dilemma. She and her boyfriend are planing to marry – but she hasn’t told her ex of her plans since he’s still so distant and angry. But, the fact remains: the kids will soon have a dad and a step-dad. And, likely, down the road a step-mom, too. So, this is about far more than Family Fun Night. Mom wants to figure out how to approach Dad – or not – about kid plans that will involve her soon-to-be husband.

So, YOUR advice is needed:

Should this mom ask Dad – straight out – if he’s planning to attend? Maybe even encourage him to participate – for the kids’ sake?

Should this mom tell her ex that both she and her kids have also invited her boyfriend?

What if Dad refuses to attend – if her boyfriend also attends?

Should Dad’s feelings about her boyfriend trump the kids’ wishes that the boyfriend attend this event?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: beccafromportland

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