We’ve talked often in our Singlemommyhood community about the confusion and heartache absent parents inflict on our kids – and us.  Our conversation about keeping secrets from your kids about the other parent resonated strongly with you. And you’ve let us know – loud and clear – that you make tremendous efforts *applause* to keep the other parent a viable presence in your kids’ lives. So, when this single mom asked for advice about her financial issues with her kid’s absent dad, our first thought was to share her situation with YOU.

Here’s what’s happening: 

“I appreciated all the thoughtful comments in the Do I have a daddy post,” she began. “I’m struggling with my role and obligation to provide my son with access to his father. Our son is three years-old. And it seems to me that I should – as long as his father is interested – help sustain a relationship between our son and his daddy.”

Unfortunately, however, it’s almost entirely up to this mom to keep the father-son relationship active.  She and her ex met while she was working in Central America. They dated for a while and tried to make things work. Right now, he does not qualify for even a visitor’s visa – even if he had the money to buy an airline ticket. His poverty status means he pays no child support. Dad is able to call and view video. He is unable to send video because he has no camera, insufficient bandwidth, and other money related tech issues.

Helping Dad financially to stay more connected with their son is an option. Paying for a faster Internet connection and a camera is a possibility. Bankrolling further education so Dad can get a better job is also not off the table. The real stumbling block is that she and her ex never married because he wasn’t faithful and refused to commit. She gave up trying to make the relationship work  – right after their son’s second birthday. Now, however, Dad asserts that all he wants is to get back together as a family. And he won’t stop emailing, calling and hounding to rehash their failed relationship. So, when Dad calls to visit with his son for about an hour a week, these calls always include an unwanted effort to rekindle their relationship.

This single mom – looking ahead -  is unsure about her financial obligations:

Should she ignore Dad’s pleas to reconnect and finance tech upgrades – and possibly more education -  for their son’s sake?

Or should this mom focus on her own financial goals?

[Saving for their son's college education is her #1 goal]

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Meg Reyes

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Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting.  When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids  – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip.  A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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When the Singlemommyhood community shares personal truth about how our parents are involved – or not – in our daily lives, our challenges are obviously quite different. Some of us get lots of help from our parents. Other parents withhold help because they  don’t agree with our choices and demand we confront a relationship partner we’d rather forget. Frankly, we know there are many troubling issues related to your own parents – and in-laws – that we’ve not discussed. So, when this single mom contacted us with a troubling parent issue, we rushed to share her thorny dilemma with you.

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Here’s the situation:

“I’m a choice mom of a wonderful five year-old boy,” she began. “He was conceived via an anonymous sperm donor – he’s never had any kind of father figure in his life.”

This mom recently gave birth to a little girl conceived after a brief unremarkable encounter. Her son is quite attached to his seven month-old sister. He also takes great comfort that he and his little sister share a unique sibling bond -  no “daddy” in their lives. Like many unplanned pregnancies, this mom’s reaction quickly shifted from shock to joy. From this new perspective, she felt pride in the family she created – and relished her solo mom life. She never anticipated co-parenting or child custody issues.

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We’ve opened many conversations about combining responsible parenting with getting a life. And you’ve let us know – loud and clear – these efforts are far from easy. Whether your kids clash with your boyfriend or you’re grappling with a controlling ex, the road to real love is often a steep climb. So, when this single mom – unlucky in love – contacted our Singlemommyhood community for advice and encouragement, we knew she’d come to the right place.

Here’s what this mom shared with us:

“I’m a twenty-nine year old single mom with two kids,” she began. “My first baby was conceived when I was a teenager. Believe me, I grew up fast.”

Like so many of us, this young single mom returned to school. And worked full-time. The bio-dad was distant and uninvolved. Child support was sporadic – at best. She wore herself out – fruitlessly – trying to get this man to take some interest in his daughter.

As her daughter celebrated her fourth birthday, this mom’s life changed.  She met a man who promised her a forever future. After several years of living together, they faced an unplanned pregnancy.  They welcomed their son – and their future seemed bright. Unfortunately, “happily ever after” was not in the cards.

“Now I’m a single mom with a ten year-old daughter and a three year-old son with different fathers,” she continued. “Neither of these men have meaningful relationships with their kids. And my daughter has lost two father figures. Her own father is in the wind. And her brother’s dad sees his son only – and never includes her.”

This mom feels despondent. Although she longs to find love, she’s terrified of getting hurt – again. And she wants to protect her kids from further emotional pain – and possible abandonment.

Here’s what she’d like to know from YOU:

Is having two kids with different dads a deal-breaker on the dating scene?

Should this mom give up on love – for now – until her kids are older?

If not, how can this mom protect her kids emotionally  -  if she decides to get back out there?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: WingTing

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When we opened the conversation about breaking up when you’re pregnant, we wept as you shared your stories with us. Frankly, we hadn’t realized how often serious relationship drama erupts when an unplanned pregnancy is revealed.  So, when this single mom contacted us as she faced a very serious crossroad in her life, we anxiously rushed to share her situation with you. 

In case you’re new to our Singlemommyhood community: we do NOT judge here.

Here’s the situation:

“I’m a twenty-one  year old single mom of a two year old son,” she began. “A week or so ago I found out that I was pregnant. The father of this baby is a married man I barely know. Last night, however, I found out that I’m the third woman he’s gotten pregnant. But, he convinced the other two woman to terminate their pregnancies. I understand now – he’ll never leave his wife.”

This single mom wants – right now – to keep the baby. But, the bio-dad is trying his best to convince her to have an abortion. He paints a bleak picture of the child’s scarred future – and the struggles and sacrifices this solo mom will face raising a second child. She feels massive guilt over the affair and this unplanned pregnancy. And she’s worried – justifiably – that she can’t practically manage the demands of two young kids.

So, this single mom can’t imagine having an abortion, but she fears she’s in denial about the pregnancy – and the physical, emotional, and financial strain of raising two kids. She’s researched her options hoping to make an informed decision.

Despite these efforts, this mom is conflicted about what’s the right decision. So, she’s reaching out to YOU for advice:

Can you relate to the life changing decision this mom now faces?

What factors should she weigh most heavily as she agonizes over making the right decision? 

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Daniel Hurst Photography

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Successful co-parenting happens when you both realize that your divorce – or break-up – may have ended your relationship, but not your responsibilities as parents. Sadly, the majority of couples who separate don’t realize they can raise their kids together successfully – even though they no longer live together.

At first, it may seem that co-parenting is simply impossible. Keep in mind, however, that you are not jointly parenting. Co-parenting means doing your best to cooperate with each other to ensure the most consistent and least disruptive path for your kids.

So, if you’re considering co-parenting – or attempting it right now, these steps and advice will help guide you:

Step #1 – Keep your feelings about each other out of your kids’ hearts + heads. No matter how angry, betrayed, or bitter you may still feel, if you can’t put a lid on it in front of the kids – failure as co-parents is inevitable. Co-parenting requires maturity, grace, and stamina. Find an appropriate outlet for your unresolved feelings. Talking to your ex about the kids simply cannot become your time to vent.

Step #2 – Carrots work better than sticks. Maintain respect for your ex – this person is your kids’ other parent. Even if the other co-parent’s involvement is minimal, your kids benefit from this contact. Praise for the other parent’s efforts is a strong predictor of co-parenting success.

Step #3 – Keep the lines of communication open. Communication lies at the heart of any relationship. If your marriage or relationship suffered from a lack of communication, resolve – for the kids’ sake – to find a way to communicate. Technology is a handy solution – if you prefer not to meet in person or chat on the cell. Find the tools – and the commitment – by which respectful communication takes place.

Step #4 – Allow for change + scary feelings. Your agreement to co-parent represents yet another change – on top of the huge change everyone experienced when you divorced or separated. It’s okay to feel scared because it signals that you recognize your kids’ futures are at stake. Co-parenting is a formidable challenge – and – realistically – why would you not feel just a bit scared?

Step #5 – Talk + listen to your kids. Your kids will want to know the nuts + bolts of the new parenting arrangement. Little kids, for example, will want to know where Santa Claus will visit. Or how the Tooth Fairy will find them. Older kids will want to know if friends can visit at both homes – and if they’ll need to change schools. Don’t expect every last detail to get ironed out immediately. Encourage your kids to share their concerns and questions with both of you. Family meetings are ideal – if you can swing it – so everyone gets the opportunity to be heard.

~~~~~

This post authored by Dr. Leah originally appeared in Two Happy Homes. 

We recommend co-parents check out this helpful site.

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We’ve tackled the question about when to introduce your kids to your boyfriend. Single dads chimed in, and some of you defended your choice NOT to introduce their girlfriends to your kids.

Occasionally, our attempts to blend our private lives with our parenting responsibilities hit a dead end.  For example, we’ve discussed your options when your boyfriend just doesn’t want a life with kids. We’ve never talked, however, about the unexpected issues that can arise when your kids and your boyfriend adore each other. So, when this single mom contacted us for advice, we wanted to get YOUR take on this dilemma. 

Here’s what this mom told us:

“During our acrimonious divorce, my ex accused me of cheating on him with a married neighbor. Honestly, I was never unfaithful, ” she began. “My ex’s vile public accusations threw that neighbor and me together – and we discovered we were both miserable in our marriages.”

Not surprisingly, this mom and her neighbor found common ground – and started dating soon after both their divorces were finalized. She introduced her boyfriend to her three school-aged kids – and they instantly bonded. The kids now want this boyfriend included in everything – vacations, picnics, movie night, and, just this week, Family Fun Night at school.

Unfortunately, Dad has told the kids that he doesn’t like this guy – and he refuses to even say “hello.” Dad gets notified of all school events, but rarely attends. The kids hope Dad will come to Family Fun Night, and they also hope that Mom’s boyfriend will take part in the games and all the other fun.

So, Mom is facing quite a dilemma. She and her boyfriend are planing to marry – but she hasn’t told her ex of her plans since he’s still so distant and angry. But, the fact remains: the kids will soon have a dad and a step-dad. And, likely, down the road a step-mom, too. So, this is about far more than Family Fun Night. Mom wants to figure out how to approach Dad – or not – about kid plans that will involve her soon-to-be husband.

So, YOUR advice is needed:

Should this mom ask Dad – straight out – if he’s planning to attend? Maybe even encourage him to participate – for the kids’ sake?

Should this mom tell her ex that both she and her kids have also invited her boyfriend?

What if Dad refuses to attend – if her boyfriend also attends?

Should Dad’s feelings about her boyfriend trump the kids’ wishes that the boyfriend attend this event?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: beccafromportland

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You’ve let us know the terrible feelings of abandonment many of you experienced when you were pregnant – and broke up. Suddenly left alone to cope physically and emotionally with the 24/7 demands of motherhood, the struggle to keep afloat took every last once of strength. Eventually, despite the hardships, things – slowly – did get better.

So, when this single mom – who thought the worst was behind her – contacted us, we rushed to share her situation with you.

“My ex broke up with me when I was six months pregnant,” she began. “He cheated on me with someone from work. When I confronted him, he immediately packed his bags and never contacted me again.”

With lots of family help, this mom welcomed a sweet baby girl – now one year-old -  into the world. And slowly rebuilt her life as a single mom. She has declined child support – in return for sole custody and termination of his parental rights. The bio-dad has raised no objections – so these legal matters will easily resolve.

Emotions are not so easily resolved.  The ease with which her ex found someone else – and quickly moved out – and the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy and childbirth – devastated her. We get it. And, unfortunately, she’s channeled those unresolved feelings into obsessional online stalking of her newly married ex – and his wife. We don’t judge here – but, we do wince at the self-inflicted emotional pain.

Last week brought this mom to a new emotional low. Her ex and his new wife announced their baby’s birth via Facebook. The new baby looks incredibly like her own daughter. Her ex proudly proclaimed himself “Daddy” – and posted tons of delivery room pictures. He wrote emotionally about instantly falling in love with their baby.

“I know I must stop this Facebook madness,” she confided. “I’m really hurting – and finding it tough to hold it together.”

Of course, you agree: this deserving mom needs counseling to sort out what’s happened in her life – and deal with her feelings more constructively.  Right now, however, she needs our advice – and support.

So, this single mom would like to ask:

Can you relate to the situation she’s facing?

Has your ex fathered -  and become a “daddy” – to another child while ignoring the child he fathered with you?

If so, what advice can you offer this mom?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: English106

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We’ve talked often about how to cope with an absent parent. Recently, when a new single mom asked for help managing the all too familiar questions about her child’s absent parent, we listened. We’ve muddled through – not always successfully – fielding similar questions. So, we’re looking to YOU for advice.

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