Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting.  When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids  – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip.  A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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Here’s the situation:

“I’m a choice mom of a wonderful five year-old boy,” she began. “He was conceived via an anonymous sperm donor – he’s never had any kind of father figure in his life.”

This mom recently gave birth to a little girl conceived after a brief unremarkable encounter. Her son is quite attached to his seven month-old sister. He also takes great comfort that he and his little sister share a unique sibling bond -  no “daddy” in their lives. Like many unplanned pregnancies, this mom’s reaction quickly shifted from shock to joy. From this new perspective, she felt pride in the family she created – and relished her solo mom life. She never anticipated co-parenting or child custody issues.

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We’re proud of our Singlemommyhood community. Our strength comes from putting our heads – and hearts – together to help one another.  Lately, we’ve received an avalanche of messages disclosing  your struggles with clutter.  We understand  how overwhelming managing your possessions can get, especially when you’re in the midst of a life crisis or huge transition.

Here’s our perspective on what we’ve heard – so far – from YOU:

Day to day responsibilities are overwhelming. The junk mail heaped on the kitchen table, the jumble of old newspapers and magazines, or those long dead houseplants – UGH! – on the kitchen window sill just don’t rank as priorities compared with juggling the kids’ needs and your own career demands. And relationships – no matter how satisfying -  require time and attention.

The difference between clutter busting and organizing is confusing. The organization craze has morphed into an industry. All those “organizational tools” and plastic storage bins are just pricey ways to manage stuff -  you likely don’t need. Every drawer and closet does not have to resemble an upscale clothing store. Honestly, you have far more important priorities than color coding your kids’ socks or arranging your lipsticks according to type and shade.

Clutter means it gets in your way. Do you have to step around piles of stuff to get from one place to another in your home? Are you holding on to things – just in case? Are you reluctant to invite friends to your home for fear of their reaction? If so, your stuff  – clutter – stands in the way of the health and happiness you deserve. So, likely our kids’ drawers will stay messy, but if their drawers are crammed with outgrown items – it’s clutter.  Your make-up can get scattered, but if an item has a distinctly funky odor, it’s clutter.

So, we’re here to listen: 

Are you having clutter issues?

If so, please share. [no judgments here]

Or have you learned how to tackle clutter?

If so, please share your best tips and advice.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: glukorizon

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Whenever we open a conversation about absent parents, our hearts drop. That’s because we both have personal experience answering – not always successfully – probing kid questions on this painful topic. So, we know firsthand how much strength, maturity, and compassion it takes to soothe and comfort your kids.

You’ve often told us that you try – very hard – to reassure your kids that the absent parent does love and care about them. But, when your kids (logically) ask why that loving, caring parent does not call, write, or show up, a kid appropriate answer does not always pop to mind.

So, if you’re coping with an absent “other parent” – check out our tips and advice:

Tip #1 -  Stop seeking a *magic* answer. Kids will react differently to a parent’s absence depending on their ages, temperaments, and expectations for that parent. Moreover, it’s challenging to explain abandonment to a kid whose parent chose to leave – rather than when a parent has a fatal illness or dies in an accident. No one knows your kids better than you. You don’t need a script. But, unfortunately, there aren’t any one-size-fits-all magic words which benefit every kid.

Tip #2 – The “blame” rightly belongs with the absent parent. This is the consistent perspective from which to discuss kid concerns about the absent parent. This is very different from badmouthing your ex — which is really just venting about your own feelings. Placing the “blame” on the absent parent lets kids escape feeling inadequate, responsible, or just plain unlovable. Kids often hold themselves accountable by thinking that they’re responsible for a parent’s absence. Out of fear and uncertainty, kids often blame themselves.

Tip #3 – False reassurance causes confusion. When you reassure kids that the absent parent still loves and cares for them, it creates confusion. After all, how much caring and loving does an absent parent really show? This inevitable confusion creates doubt and uncertainty as kids embark on their own relationships. Answers to fundamental questions about their own worth and expectations often remain elusive.

Tip #4 – Embrace the truth. Instead of false reassurances, try to approach kids’ questions with an explanation along these lines: “Some grown-ups are just not able to do the important job of being a parent.” If it’s age-appropriate, this explanation opens the door to sharing factual information about the absent parent’s possible addiction, incarceration, or mental illness. If you don’t know why a parent chose to leave – it’s best to admit that you simply don’t know. Resist the urge to lie or sugar coat. As long as explanations are age-appropriate, honesty is the best option.

Is an absent parent part of your parenting challenge?

How do you chose to respond to kids’ questions about an absent parent?

We’d love to hear your story.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Ed Yourdon

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The dating rules change when you’re a single parent. You’ve told us that struggle with whether — or not — to introduce your kids to a date.  You’ve also let us know that it’s strangely painful when your ex remarries, even if your relationship has long been over. So, when this single mom contacted us about her upcoming marriage — and her worries about expected drama — we wanted to share her dilemma with you.

Here’s what this mom told us:

She and her boyfriend — who are in a long distance relationship — plan to are get married next October. They’re thrilled! Her ex has met her boyfriend in person, but she hasn’t told her ex yet that she’s engaged.

“After they met, it wasn’t clear how my ex felt about my boyfriend or our relationship,” she says. “We don’t really discuss our feelings. So, I have no idea how it he might react when he hears that I’m getting married.

“I’m really concerned about how my ex will respond to our wedding plans,” she says. “And it’s more complicated because we’ve had some tension.”

Her ex — a long distance co-parent to their 10-year-old son — recently remarried.  Currently, there’s parenting time conflict.  Specifically, her ex has threatened court action – no follow-up as yet -  to insure that their son spends the summers with his new family – stay at home wife – and not attend camp. And she’s yet to meet his new wife.

In the meantime, her soon-to-be husband is looking for employment in her city. And as soon as he has a job, they plan to move in together.

This mom hopes to minimize co-parenting stress  – for their son’s sake. 

So, she’s planning her next steps carefully.  And she’s grateful for YOUR tips + advice:

Should she tell her ex about her engagement before anyone else is told?

What does her ex deserve to know about her upcoming marriage?

Is it potentially legally risky to move in with her boyfriend before her wedding?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Telachee

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Many of us (our hands are raised) can relate to the confusion, panic, and despair that’s inevitable when a spouse or partner announces that the marriage is over — especially when the news is totally unexpected.

A distraught husband and father recently wrote to us after hearing just that kind of news:

“My wife announced two days ago — out of nowhere — that she’d met her soul mate. Now she is filing for divorce.”

He said that his wife packed her things their nine year-old son and 13 year-old daughter were at school. So far, this dad has made up excuses to explain their mother’s absence. He’s still reeling from the shock. And, frankly, he doesn’t know what to say to the kids. His soon-to-be ex has suggested that he tell the kids: “Mom and Dad simply drifted apart.”

This dad strongly believes that the kids deserve to know the truth. Honestly, we don’t agree — at least for now.

Here’s why: Sadly, what kids deserve — and what life dishes out — are seldom the same thing. These kids do deserve (and Dad can do his best to make this happen) to be treated with as much respect and sensitivity as humanly possible during this terrible experience.

Here’s our top tips … when you’re *suddenly* a single dad:

1. Listen to Your Own Feelings. You didn’t expect to be told that your wife was leaving you for someone else. You are not unexpected to handle this life crisis alone. Seek out a psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you. You probably feel your wife needs therapy (lots), but you’re the one trying to cope with the fall-out from her choices. You deserve a safe place to sort out your feelings.

2. Protect the Kids. It’s tempting to tell the kids the lurid details of your wife’s affair. We understand. But, what do you expect them to do with this information? Especially if you have a teenager, information about adult sexual behavior (or misbehavior) will only add to the natural confusion and uncertainty of puberty.

3.Try to Get Organized. Your wife might be in la-la land, but the kids still need clean clothes and nutritious  meals. Use the resources you have to keep daily life on track. Ask your family for help, if they live nearby. Neighbors and friends will gladly rescue — at least temporarily — a domestically challenged man. If you need legal advice, you can begin your search for a lawyer or law firm online.

4. Seal your Lips. Resist the urge to tell all to anyone who will listen. You don’t want to be the topic of neighborhood gossip. A simple statements like “My wife and I are no longer together; the washing machine is a mystery to me” will get you the practical help you need. No one has the right to know (or can really understand) the pain you’re feeling right now.

5. Pay Back Is Not Fair Play. It’s natural that you’re considering having an affair, too. Wanting revenge is not surprising.  Unfortunately, random hook-ups motivated by “pay back” will only bring exactly more of what you’re dealing with now: confusion and chaos.

We’d love to hear your excellent advice for this *suddenly* single dad.

Did you *suddenly* become a single parent?

If so, what’s your best advice to this struggling newly single dad?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: lammeltron

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We love connecting with so many wonderful people via Twitter. We learn so much about you, and we treasure this opportunity. So, we weren’t surprised when a recent Tweet — hinting at a *crazy* break-up situation — grabbed our attention.

We’ve discussed much break-up drama, such as what it’s like to get dumped when you’re pregnant. We found out that this mom definitely got dumped, but she’s not pregnant. Sadly — although new to us — we’re sure that many of you have first hand experience with this particularly messy break-up drama.

Here’s the situation:

“My ex husband and I are still thrashing out our divorce settlement, so we’re actually not legally divorced yet,” explains this single mom of a two-year-old. Dad sees his son every other week — for now — and our reader is striving to avoid big co-parenting conflicts.

“My ex has a girlfriend he’s been seeing quite openly for the last eight months,” this mom goes on.

And to make matters worse: Her ex’s girlfriend is pregnant and due this fall.

This mom and her soon-to-be ex have only been split for about a year, so it’s all really awkward. She found only recently about her ex’s pregnant girlfriend — a mutual friend spotted her obviously pregnant belly — and spilled the beans,

She was understandably hurt, but not really shocked. When she tried to discuss the situation with her ex, he told her MYOB. She then reached out to his girlfriend, hoping to take the high road and open up a conversation stressing mutual cooperation for the sake of the kids. The girlfriend refused to speak with her.

She feels like her life is just scattered pieces all over the road — and she desperately wants to put those scattered pieces of her life back together. We get it! So, we’re hoping that you’ll chime in and offer this befuddled mom some advice.

Can you relate to divorcing a guy who’s already fathered a child — before you’ve even settled?

How can this mom begin to sort things out so she can put her own life back together?

Any tips to open up some co-parenting dialogue on future plans between this mom and her ex?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Cam Pervan

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An avid reader who frequently comments candidly (we love her for that!) has contacted us for advice. Neither of us have coped with this particular parenting dilemma. Yet we get this part: it’s tough to cope with kid problems alone. But it’s so much more difficult when your family is critical of you.

Here’s what this solo mom has shared with us.

“I’m the parent of a very overly active seven year-old son, ” she says. “I get no help from his bio-dad.”

This reader goes on to describe her son as independent, stubborn, and non-compliant. It always has to be his way on his time schedule. This little boy also has significant anger issues, which Mom believes are fueled by the way his bio-dad treats him. Specifically, his father will make a sudden appearance and make big promises. And then he will disappear without a word for the next year or so.

This little boy’s behavior is growing more difficult to manage. And it interferes with his learning at school. This mom is worried (understandably) — yet she has done her homework.

She recently concluded that her son might have some form of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). And she made an appointment to have her son evaluated.

In the meantime, this mom’s extended family — mother and sisters — are telling her that an ADHD diagnosis is a cop-out for lazy parenting. So, this mom is not just facing a kid crisis. She’s also dealing with harsh judgment from her mother and sisters.

Please step in here and offer some advice:

Have you had any experience parenting a child with ADHD? If so, please do share.

What treatment(s) were most effective? Medication? Therapy? Diet? Or, some kind of combination?

Was your extended family supportive? If not, how did you cope with their criticism and denial?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: allmothers

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Fathers’ Day is a challenging time for many of you. We get it. As solo moms, we’ve struggled to find ways to help our kids save face while other kids — deservedly so — happily complete Fathers’ Day projects at day care and school. So, this recent message on the eve of Fathers’ Day did not immediately surprise us. Yet, candidly, we do admit that this bio-dad dilemma has left us shaking our heads.

Here’s what this mom shared with us:

“I’m a solo mom to a delightful five year-old boy,” she began. “His bio-dad has chronic psychiatric problems. He’s bi-polar, and an alcoholic. When we were together, he would disappear on benders for days because bad weather or cold coffee set him off. Eventually, he’d return begging for help and support.”

This mom found out she never really knew this guy. She learned along the way that his immediate family had disowned him. He’d also fathered three other children. Their mothers filed successfully to terminate his parental rights – he has no contact with these children. He has never held down a job for longer than several months.

Fortunately, this mom was awarded sole custody — without parenting time for this bio-dad. The court also mandated child support, which he does not pay voluntarily. When his pay is garnisheed, however, this mom receives a note from him reminding her that he’s still alive and intends to show up and be a “real dad” to his son — some day.

Our reader knows that the “daddy questions” are lurking. She struggles with her own feelings as she thinks about how to comfort and protect her son. One one hand, she doesn’t want to lie and tell her son that Dad is dead or his identity is unknown. She really doesn’t feel this guy deserves the honor of being referred to as “Dad” since he’s not shown love nor concern for any of his children. And she wants to avoid using the word “sick” to explain this man’s choices. She does not want her son to feel obligated in the future to help his dad.

She also dreads the possibility that Dad will appear — bringing sudden chaos and drama into their lives. Frankly, she hopes Dad never returns… This mom wonders if she’s alone in how she feels. So, she’s asking:

Can you relate to her hope that this man never returns?

If so, how did you handle the inevitable “daddy questions” with your kids.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Marytsao

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Our hearts sank when we read this poignant message from a single mom who reached out to us for help with a distressing kid dilemma. We’ve often remarked that your children’s questions get tougher to answer as your kids get older. This is especially true when the questions are about an absent parent.

Many of you have coped with this parenting challenge — thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with this mom. Here’s the situation with the mother of a five-year-old son whose father is an alcoholic:

Her former husband, who has been abusing alcohol since high school, has been in an out of alcoholic rehab programs. When he’s sober, he has been in his son’s life. But now he’s returning for yet another stint in rehab.

When this father was in rehab before, Mom explained his absence by saying that Dad was “in the hospital.” She’s not proud of that explanation, but it was the best she could come up with at the time. Because he’s older now, this little boy will miss seeing his father — who will remain out of contact for many weeks. Of course, he’ll want to know why he hasn’t seen or spoken with Dad.

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