Here’s the situation:

“I’m a choice mom of a wonderful five year-old boy,” she began. “He was conceived via an anonymous sperm donor – he’s never had any kind of father figure in his life.”

This mom recently gave birth to a little girl conceived after a brief unremarkable encounter. Her son is quite attached to his seven month-old sister. He also takes great comfort that he and his little sister share a unique sibling bond -  no “daddy” in their lives. Like many unplanned pregnancies, this mom’s reaction quickly shifted from shock to joy. From this new perspective, she felt pride in the family she created – and relished her solo mom life. She never anticipated co-parenting or child custody issues.

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Whenever we open a conversation about absent parents, our hearts drop. That’s because we both have personal experience answering – not always successfully – probing kid questions on this painful topic. So, we know firsthand how much strength, maturity, and compassion it takes to soothe and comfort your kids.

You’ve often told us that you try – very hard – to reassure your kids that the absent parent does love and care about them. But, when your kids (logically) ask why that loving, caring parent does not call, write, or show up, a kid appropriate answer does not always pop to mind.

So, if you’re coping with an absent “other parent” – check out our tips and advice:

Tip #1 -  Stop seeking a *magic* answer. Kids will react differently to a parent’s absence depending on their ages, temperaments, and expectations for that parent. Moreover, it’s challenging to explain abandonment to a kid whose parent chose to leave – rather than when a parent has a fatal illness or dies in an accident. No one knows your kids better than you. You don’t need a script. But, unfortunately, there aren’t any one-size-fits-all magic words which benefit every kid.

Tip #2 – The “blame” rightly belongs with the absent parent. This is the consistent perspective from which to discuss kid concerns about the absent parent. This is very different from badmouthing your ex — which is really just venting about your own feelings. Placing the “blame” on the absent parent lets kids escape feeling inadequate, responsible, or just plain unlovable. Kids often hold themselves accountable by thinking that they’re responsible for a parent’s absence. Out of fear and uncertainty, kids often blame themselves.

Tip #3 – False reassurance causes confusion. When you reassure kids that the absent parent still loves and cares for them, it creates confusion. After all, how much caring and loving does an absent parent really show? This inevitable confusion creates doubt and uncertainty as kids embark on their own relationships. Answers to fundamental questions about their own worth and expectations often remain elusive.

Tip #4 – Embrace the truth. Instead of false reassurances, try to approach kids’ questions with an explanation along these lines: “Some grown-ups are just not able to do the important job of being a parent.” If it’s age-appropriate, this explanation opens the door to sharing factual information about the absent parent’s possible addiction, incarceration, or mental illness. If you don’t know why a parent chose to leave – it’s best to admit that you simply don’t know. Resist the urge to lie or sugar coat. As long as explanations are age-appropriate, honesty is the best option.

Is an absent parent part of your parenting challenge?

How do you chose to respond to kids’ questions about an absent parent?

We’d love to hear your story.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Ed Yourdon

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We’re really impressed when we hear about single parents in college or returning to school on top of job and parenting responsibilities. Bravo to all of you! But, it’s the smart move – especially in this perilous economy.  Getting that degree is one of the best ways to gain new skills and move ahead.

Tip #1 – Write Down Your Goals. Make your goals specific. For example, “I will have taken all my required courses by Spring 2013.”
“I will do this by taking two courses each semester and one course during the summer. I will attend every optional career seminar offered, even if it is scheduled on Friday afternoon.” Make a contract with yourself, and sign your name. Promise yourself to move ahead with a well thought-out plan.

Tip#2 – Investigate online education. Online learning is a “best option” for single parents willing to shop around for the best educational buy. Avoiding the child care hassles and extra transportation costs just makes good sense. It’s no wonder that so many single parents choose this option.

Tip #3 – Get Organized. Do not think you can plop your school stuff down on the kitchen table every night. Find a shelf, box, or file cabinet in which to keep your school materials. The kitchen table can certainly turn into your ‘school desk’ at night, but you need a defined, organized place to keep everything. Otherwise, valuable study time is wasted on looking for misplaced things, or items the children somehow managed to ‘borrow.’

Tip #4 – Abolish Procrastination. The best way to manage the inevitable stresses of juggling multiple responsibilities as a single parent in college is to prioritize and NOT procrastinate. Single parents in college do not have the option to procrastinate. Guaranteed, the first time you put off an important school paper, a child will get the flu, and the paper will not be done on time. When your assignments are completed, you can enjoy guilt-free the time away from the pressures of school.

Tip #5 – Learn to Say ‘No’. When returning to school, you must learn to say no to demands that do not help you either 1.) Progress in your studies or 2.) Personally benefit you and your children. Lots of us have trouble saying no. If this is difficult for you, keep a tangible reminder – like a picture of a vacation spot you’d like to visit – somewhere handy to remind you of you will enjoy with your kids thanks to the added income and increased job security.

Now, we’d love to know:

Are you currently working toward a degree? Details, please.

If haven’t made that commitment just yet, what’s holding you back?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: bcd09

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We’ve had many emotionally charged conversations about co-parenting. You’ve generously shared the difficulties in scheduling and communication that make effective co-parenting a huge challenge. And you’ve let us know — loud and clear — that your ex’s outrageous parenting time choices worry you. Of course, when the other parent — Mom or Dad — simply does not show up, we get it: you’re left to deal with hurt kids and a wrecked schedule.

This devoted single mom aptly summed up the “no show” crisis: “My ex has a generous parenting time schedule,” she explained. “Unfortunately, he’s very irresponsible. And often hurts the kids’ feelings by not showing up. That means I’m left with two crying and disappointed kids. When I tell him about how the kids feel, he just shrugs his shoulders and tells me something came up.”

This mama — and many of you — are desperate for a solution to help lessen your kids’ hurt — when Dad is a no show.

Here’s our suggestions to cope with this co-parenting crisis.

• Tip #1: Encourage you kids to express their feelings. Kids feel disappointment, confusion, and anger when the other parent fails to show — even if they appear to shrug it off. Older kids may have looked forward to a shared activity, or had something they wanted to discuss with Dad that’s important to them. Kids’ feeling about parenting time deserve the respect of your thoughtful listening.
• Tip #2: Consider a Daddy book. This notebook or drawing pad reserved especially for thoughts about Dad allows kids to put their feelings in words or pictures in a constructive way. It’s also another way kids are shown that their thoughts and feelings are important — after all, here they are in a special book.
• Tip #3: Resist the urge to vent. We get it – when Dad is a no show, you’re — justifiably — angry and upset. Your plans are disrupted. And the kids are moody and sometimes defiant. Of course, your feelings deserve attention, too. But, your kids are struggling to handle their own emotions — share your feelings in a way that does not add to your kids’ emotional burden.
• Tip #4: Take control. If Dad has a “no show” track record, get prepared. The goal is to make sure that the weekend, day, or evening is not a total loss if Dad bails.
• Tip #5: Make a Plan B: Sit the kids down and say something like : “Your dad is planning to take you to the movies on Saturday. He told us he would pick you up at 12:30. What’s our Plan B for Saturday, if Dad can’t make it?” Of course, Plan B is some alternative activity — which the kids can count on.
• Tip#6: You Have the Final Say about Plan B: To minimize disappointment, the alternate plan should definitely be more fun than finishing their homework or cleaning their rooms. You and the kids can also decide how long you will wait before leaving the house for your own planned activities.
• Tip #7: Work as a team. Your priorities matter, too. Schedule those errands — the ones you planned to polish off while Dad had the kids. And then see the movie that Dad promised later on. If your finances are tight, decide together on a fun and low-cost activity — like a DVD at home with lots of buttered (real thing) popcorn or a hike in the woods.

We’re wondering: Are you dealing with a “no show” Dad?

How do you cope when Dad doesn’t show up for parenting time?

What’s your advice to other parents who are struggling with this co-parenting challenge?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: jcoterhals

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A single mom whom we adore has contacted us for some help. She asked if we’d post her current dilemma here — anonymously — and we gladly agreed.

So, here’s her situation:

“I’ve been dating an amazing guy for more than a year and we’re talking about taking the next step: moving in together!”

She has two kids, and he has none. Here’s the deal: “My daughters adore him, and vice-versa. We’ve talked about getting married someday. He’d love to have a child of his own, and I’m very open to this, too.”

They’ve discussed all the practical logistics, such as finding a home in the same school district for the kids’ sakes, sharing daily chores, budgeting for household expenses, and their bank accounts. She adds: “I’m paying off my credit card debt and finishing college.”

“He’s an incredible support when it comes to being both a partner and a potential co-parent. As you can imagine, I’m exhausted most of the time and I hope that moving in together will make things easier.”

So, what’s the problem?

Well, how do I know I’m making the right decision? My kids are my No. 1 priority — and the last thing I want to do is drag them through another break-up.

Moving in together feels right — but how do I know for sure?”

~~

Like all of us, this mom has had her share of relationship blunders. So, we’d love to hear your thoughts on this one:

How do you know when moving in together is right?

Is there anything else this couple should talk about before making a final decision?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Waldorf Mama

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A single guy — no kids — dating a single mom reached out to us via Facebook with an interesting question. This guy is a fledgling elementary school teacher — and he’s really charged up about doing his best for all his students. He’s dating a single mom, and she’s the one who alerted him to the unique challenges single parents face.  He admits — candidly — that he’s not up to speed on what he needs to know.

We’re happy to chime in! Here’s our suggestions on what all teachers working with our kids need to know:

• Every family is different. Don’t assume that all of your students live at home with both Mom and Dad. Things at home may have changed — drastically — since parents first filled out those school enrollment forms. Ask kids who they live with, and they’ll gladly tell you.

• Communication is key. Make sure you have contact information for both parents (or responsible family members). Each parent has the right to receive all school communication no matters where the child may live.

• Don’t jump to conclusions. When kids have school difficulties — messy desks, confusion with multiplication, or reading problems — some teachers quickly (and thoughtlessly) attribute these normal kid learning/behavior issues on our status as a single parent home. When teachers say “broken home,” frankly, we just stop listening.

• Give parents time to plan. It’s a burden when, as a parent, you get a note saying: “Your child needs to bring in a set of colored pencils.” Or, maybe it’s a last-minute class snack; or supplies needed for a diorama. Often, money is tight. And there just isn’t another adult around to take charge at home while the other parent makes a dash for the store. Most of us maintain tight routines at home, so it’s great when school assignments follow a pattern so we don’t have to keep tweaking our schedules.

Of course, this teacher is not the only one facing new challenges this school year.

We understand that some of you coped with some tough changes at home this summer. Maybe your divorce is now final? Or, your ex got remarried?  Perhaps you’ve just moved to a new neighborhood? Or your co-parenting schedule has radically changed.

What would YOU like your kids’ teachers to know about how best to work with your family?

Do you have any additional advice for this enthusiastic young teacher — and experienced teachers?

~~~

Phot0 via Flickr: Racoles

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When a single mom recently shared this personal crisis, we understood her shock and dismay. Here’s what this she told us:

“My eight-year-old daughter came home from her dad’s this weekend and announced, ‘Daddy is getting married!’ ”

Frankly, this single mom confided: “I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend.”

Her daughter casually explained that she has met “Daddy’s new wife.”  And then she talked — breathlessly — about their wedding plans. She then asked her mom if she should call her “Mommy,” too.

Of course, after her daughter went to bed, this single mom called her ex to vent. Predictably, he responded by telling her to MYOB.

Obviously, her ex should have been honest ahead of time so that their daughter — as well as Mom — could get used to the idea. Why he chose to (not) communicate and *surprise* their  daughter is anyone’s guess. But it’s done now.

Here’s some helpful tips to cope when your ex remarries:

1. You are the only mommy. This little girl was just asking a question. Handle the “name question” by simply saying, “Call her…(first name).” You might be freaking out that suddenly you’re being replaced, but please know: no one ever replaces a mom!

2. Nix the stepmother envy. Your ex’s “new wife” is taking on a BIG challenge. You may want to warn her or call her every name in the book. But, at least for now, she’s an undeniable part of your child’s life.  You don’t have to like her, but you do need to “do business” with her to keep your child’s life on track. Refuse to indulge in name calling. Why give anyone permission to come up with unflattering nicknames for you?

3. Take charge. Find out if any changes in the parenting time schedule are planned. Get straight on your kids’ role (or not) in the upcoming ceremony. Try to be flexible — if only for your kids’ sake. Make the effort to  speak to your ex’s “new wife” about practical details like wedding plans and parenting time schedules.

We’d love to hear about your experiences when your ex got remarried.

Was the wedding announcement a *surprise* to you, too?

What advice can you offer to help cope with this emotionally complicated transition?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Brandon Stack Photography

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Many of us know — from painful personal experience — that divorce is a life changing crisis. The support of friends and family is essential just to survive this kind of emotional upheaval.  Yet that’s the tricky part. Sometimes it’s hard to reach out and ask for help. Other times, it feels like just saying word “divorce” opens up a very awkward, personal door.

A recent email alerted us that we really need to have conversation about staying sane — more or less — during divorce. Here’s what this soon-to-be single mom told us:

“Everyone in my life is curious about my impending divorce,” she says.  ”My family, friends, and co-workers all seem to want information about my impending divorce. But I’m having a tough time responding to questions AND keeping boundaries.”

Here’s our best advice for staying sane during a divorce:

1. Share your feelings sparingly. It’s understandable if you feel that everyone is owed updates and progress reports. Not true. Casual acquaintances and co-workers may ask about your divorce. But, frankly, most people really aren’t that interested. A simple answer — like, “things are moving along” — is enough.  Then, shift the conversation to a neutral topic, like weekend plans. Ignore probing personal questions.  Keep your focus on getting your own emotional house in order.

2. Stay out of the mud. Some people will encourage you (constantly) to vent about your ex. Unless you want your private life to be a hot topic among strangers, resist the urge to dish the dirt about your ex.  Here’s why: these eager listeners might quickly turn on you. Gossip will spread about why you put up with him for so long — and how you are probably not telling the whole story. Your misguided efforts to muddy up your ex’s reputations may succeed, but some mud will definitely stick to you — and your kids.

3. Keep your head high at work. Work can actually be a welcome escape from divorce problems and pressures. Concentrate on doing what you get paid to do. Your income is doubly important now, and keeping your focus is key. Your boss may like and respect you, but how your productivity (or not) affects the bottom line is what counts. Handle your legal negotiations, as well texts to friends, strictly on your own time. A weepy face at the kick-off sales meeting, for example, will not be appreciated.  If it’s unavoidable that your co-workers will find out, don’t make your boss the last to know. Practice what you’ll say to your boss — until you can do it without crying.

Of course, we know that there’s LOTS more to keep in mind — when divorce turns your life upside down.

So, please do join this important conversation…

What advice can you offer this divorcing mom to keep her sanity  – and move her life forward?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: 5k313t0

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When a brand new single mom reader contacted us via Twitter to ask how to connect with *local* (not virtual) moms, we definitely GOT it. Singlemommyhood and other online communities are vital for advice, comfort, and grown-up conversation. Yet — no matter what your family circumstances are — motherhood is often lonely and isolating.

We understand. And we’re here to help. So, we reached out to our Singlemommyhood community to ask: Do you have any suggestions about how to make more local “mommy” friends?

Immediately, we received LOTS of helpful suggestions:

1. Visit places that attract other moms. Parks and kid friendly museums are ideal choices. Best of all, they’re free or low cost.

2. Head to the children’s section of the nearest library. (Thanks @calliopeblogger) You’re bound to find like-minded parents taking full advantage of everything a library offers.

3. Join an activity designed for both you and your child. Sports and other outdoor activities are kid magnets. Indulge your creative side by joining a mother/child crafts class or drama group.

4. Start a parent support group. You are definitely NOT the only parent feeling the need for conversation and connection. Keep things simple at the start so no one feels overwhelmed or burdened.

5. Start the conversation. Take the risk and make the first move. When you see another mother with whom you’d like to strike up a conversation, DO it.

These are great tips! Likely, you’ve got more super advice on how to to make more “mommy” friends.

So, please chime in.

What’s your best advice on how to make more local “mommy” friends?

~~~~

Photo via Dawn Foto-graphy: AmberSue

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