Are you having sex, Mom?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships, Sex, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
“Are you having sex, Mom?”
That’s a question that could stop any mom dead in her tracks.
A single mom recently wrote us an email for our advice about this parenting dilemma: What do you say when your kids ask if you’re having sex?
We understand — and that’s why we’ve come up with some tips to help the next time your child poses a sticky question about your private life.
First, don’t panic. This is not the time to be candid and reveal all. Take a breath and resist the urge to babble inappropriately about your private life.
Find out what the real question is. Unfortunately, the media exposes our kids to words and images they simply don’t understand. Unless you’re extremely open about your private life (a topic for another day), it’s likely your kid is simply curious about what the word “sex” means.
Now is not the time. We all strive to respond to our kids’ needs right away. But, sometimes, kids need to wait. Avoid having this conversation if bemused adults and other kid listeners are in ear shot.
Try saying, “I hear your question. Let’s talk about it later at home when we have more time.” Using the word “private” or any other word that connotes secrecy will only encourage kids to repeat the question more loudly or at another equally inopportune moment.
Gauge their level of understanding. Obviously, older kids will have a fairly clear idea of what “sex” means. Little kids’ understanding will be vague, at best. Find out exactly what “sex” means to your kid.
Keep it appropriate. Your explanation about “sex” will depend upon the age of your kid, and your comfort level. This is also an opportunity to talk about your own values and beliefs. Whether you talk about safe sex practices or the importance of abstinence until marriage, these personal parenting choices are yours.
Any advice on how to handle sticky kid questions?
What’s the most embarrassing question your kid has ever asked you?
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Wow…….definitely a conversation most moms don’t want to have with their kids!
For me, I’ve opted not to have sex (again, at least) until I find Mr. One and Only and become Mrs. One and Only, so this question–while completely awkward at best–would really open up a good conversation we could have about why I have chosen to refrain and my beliefs and experiences with sex and the complications it often brings into relationships. But for me, it had more of an affect on me and my self identity than it did on others around me.
So while it’s a scary conversation, it could also turn out to be a good conversation as well.
Ashley’s last blog post..Precious Memories
Hi! For me, sex is a natural, healthy and wonderful part of being an adult in the world.
I was raised in a sex positive environment and I want the same for my children. I want them to enjoy their sexuality and I recognize them as sexual beings in the world. For me, with my kids, sex and ‘body’ talk is just a normal part of our dialogue. There wasn’t a “Big Talk” about it. The other day on NPR there was a piece about walrus mating and they actually warned listeners. What!!?? So now children aren’t to know how animals are created either?
I always start any question about sex, and sexuality with “I am so glad you asked about that. Anytime you have questions about that, I love to talk to you about _______…” This gives me 3 – 5 seconds to absorb where she’s at, form my thought, and reinforces to her that it’s a good topic, not one to be avoided.
I normally answer questions in as simple, straightforward manner as possible, without extraneous information. If she wants more information, she will ask. I do not use ‘euphemisms’ and I always mention “this is for adults to worry about, not for children” because it can be scary for kids. Also, there is a great book (can I recommend a book?) “It’s so Amazing!” – I also have the puberty version too for my girl who will be 9 this year and is asking about body changes.
Twitter @ Singlemommyhood
@greckpeckfan: What a great beginning…”glad you asked that question”! Really opens up the conversation in a non-threatening way. We’re all better for that advice – thank you!
Dr. Leah’s last blog post..Are you having sex, Mom?
Twitter @ tsquest
Wow! I also love Gregpeckfan’s response and wholeheartedly agree!
I haven’t thought about this too much yet though some forms of this question have been asked by my older daughter. She seems to be satisfied with my answers so far. I agree again that I want a sex positive environment for my girls too!
T’s last blog post..Depression
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
Total agreement with Gregpeckfan. My son and I have had a number of sex, masturbation, religion, masturbation, and other difficult topics at the dinner table. (Did I say “masturbation” twice? I did. It comes up a lot!) Dinner has always been our time to enjoy each others’ company and talk about anything, so that’s when “tricky” conversations tend to occur. It’s come in handy a number of times because I can use a mouthful of food as an excuse to take a minute to gather my thoughts!
When I’m having a particularly difficult time figuring out how to answer his questions, I’ll say something like “That’s a good question, and the answer is kind of complicated. Let me think for a minute about how I can explain this…” That way he knows that I’m open to the conversation, and doesn’t misinterpret my hesitation as discomfort or disapproval.
Martini Mom’s last blog post..Stories knocked loose by Father’s Day
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I love you!
You are helping me manuever these waters. My kids have asked me in the last couple of days because I am falling in love with someone who’s been my friend for 35 years. I told them I was not having sex…but that I might if things progress. I told them that sex for me is sacred and that sharing myself with someone is a high honor and nothing I take lightly. And this was grown up expression and that they could trust that I always have their best interest at heart.
Then I ran out of the room…LOL!
Lovebabz’s last blog post..TANGO SUEÑO…TANGO LESSON #2
I also want to acknowledge how thoughtful you moms are!! Good for you for mirroring your children’s curiosity (“I’m so glad you asked about that.”) Yeah!!
Although it can be scary to talk about such personal topics, I applaud you for giving your kids the room to ask questions.
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
I had no idea how to start answering that question (my 10-year-old might eventually ask me when she meets my girlfriend) but I think Gregpeckfan gives the perfect response.
It’d be tough…but that sounds like a plan to me.
Canadian Bald Guy’s last blog post..My Father’s Day fall-out
Twitter @ muminawe
My daughter (12) is conviced I’d never have sex in the house while the kids were at home Even though I live with my boyfriend. I’ve not said anything else to her, and will wait till she asks me straight out. Then I’ll tell her the truth.
Wendy´s last blog ..Roast pumpkin soup with blue cheese
My ex is having wild sex several nights a week under a friends with benefits arrangement with 3 different guys while our 3 year old son sleeps in a nearby bedroom. Is this OK or do I have a chance at getting full custody.