Why do single moms date married men?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Sex, Tips & Advice
“I’m amazed at how many of my single mom friends date married men.”
A perplexed single mom told us this recently.
“I’m far from being a prude,” she went on. “But I just don’t get it. Why would anyone want to date a married man?”
To be honest, we’re also amazed by how many of our friends get involved with married guys, too. Why?
So, the researchers in us got curious. What is it about married men and single moms? In no way are we advocating being in a relationship with a married man. But we’ve reached out to single moms to get answers. They tell us:
Married men are “convenient.”
It’s is easy to fit these men in between work and parenting. Scheduling time to see each other is tricky. “Scheduling appointments” to see each other sometimes fits right in with the hectic life of a single mom.
The sex is usually fabulous. After all, these guys have plenty of experience. Since they can’t offer much companionship or loyalty, they go all out trying to please in the bedroom.
Mentoring is a bonus perk. Affairs with married men typically begin in the workplace or on business trips. Many single moms have told us that their married lovers are also wonderful mentors, who are interested and supportive of their ambitions and goals.
Married men are always on their best behavior when they are with you. They try to stay clear of career woes, and financial stress, and battles with their ex. They try to look good, smell good — and usually spare no expense to show you a good time.
Still is it is all romance and fantasy? Is it really an escape from a single mom’s responsibility-filled daily life?
Of course, there are never any judgments @ Singlemommyhood. We believe that only you should make the rules in your own life.
Still, we’re wondering:
How great are the convenience and “perks” when you date a married man?
Or, is dating a married guy the certain path to heart break and unforeseen complications?
Personal stories welcome!
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The sad thing about dating a married man is when (and he will, most of the time) choose his wife over you and will kick you to the curb. In my case, my husband had an emotional affair with an out-of-town colleague. Granted, we were having problems in the relationship but when I found out, he told her to stop calling/emailing. She didn’t get the message and eventually my husband and I had to be quite forceful in telling her where to get off. She was left embarrassed, alone and cast out. Was it her fault alone? No..he was actually more at fault. And yes, it took us a while to get our relationship back to where it was. But at the end of the day, she was the one who felt used and ashamed. He too went through fire (believe me!) but at least he had something to work at/for. She just had a “don’t call me anymore” to hold on to. Why would you do that to yourself??
GreenEyes: Emotional affairs can be so powerful. Thanks for sharing this deeply personal story with us. No doubt, a single woman will make a better “relationship” choice after considering such an affair from your perspective and experience.
I am so glad I found you wonderful site. I have been divorced now for going on a year now and it has been the best year of my life. Although I work several jobs to support my two kids, I am very grateful as I feel like I can support my kids without asking help from anyone.
My huge dilemma right now is that although I know it is so so wrong, I have started a relationship with a married man. I have been trying to figure out why I am doing this as I know in my heart it can be damaging to his wife whom I don’t even know. I only see him when my kids are with their Dad and I have no intention of every introducing them to him. I also know that I have no intention of asking this man to leave his wife as I feel like I am only in this relationship for the physically satisfaction and nothing more. He knows this and I know this. My kids and my work are my priority and I feel like this is just a perfect understanding as there are no strings attached. I have lived my whole life in believing in God and doing the right thing and now I feel like I should renounce my belief in God as I am being a hypocrite….With my group of girlfriends I am known as the one who always has everything under control and I always do the right things. I have even helped a few of my gals themselves go thru messy divorces with men who cheated on them and now I am doing this. I cannot even share this relationship with any of with my girlfriends in fear that they will judge me. I know I need to end this now but for the first time in my life I am not sure I want to yet. This is all so confusing especially when there is no one to talk to.
I’ve been reading these comments, can only relate the experience of my childhood, and hope to shed some insight of a different perspective.
My parents divorced when I was 2 — and my sister was 6 years old. Both parents were young and they married each other to “escape” emotionally abusive households. My father’s father was an alcoholic. He married the woman he got pregnant…
Their relationship was loveless, at best- violent and tumultuous, at worst. My mother’s parents also married due to pregnancy (this was in an age when it was socially and morally unacceptable for an unwed mother). As a result, my mother’s father habitually engaged in extramarital affairs, while her mother turned a blind eye, as long as she was materially compensated.
Thus my parents started out with warped views of marriage, commitment, trust, self-esteem & compromised values, as they had lived with so many “secrets”. When my parents’ marriage deteriorated, no surprise, it was due to a mutual lack of respect (both mutual & self), as well as not having any problem-solving skills, for everything was “swept under the rug.” Issues were not brought into focus or dealt with. My dad had an affair (which resulted in a marriage of nearly 40 years that has basically alienated my sister me) — and my mother, who has been involved with the same married man for 40 years!
Both situations have been destructive, as my sister andI had to first live with the stigma of a “broken home” (which was rare in those days) and the “secrets” involving my mother’s on-going affair. In her eyes, my mother believes she has not sacrificed her children (or HIS) in any way (as she says his wife has known all about it) — they say the kids have npt lacked for anything. What a delusion!
What a self-serving lie, they have been using to justify this. I know 2 of this man’s children have been frantically overcompensating in their own marriages the third has a total lack of responsibility. My own childhood was based on secrets, lies and attempts to cover-up andmake a pretty picture out of an otherwise neglectful, shaming experience. I could never trust, feel confident with relationships of ANY kind, form lasting ties, commit to goals or tell the truth about anything. I sought out physically and/or emotionally abusive or neglectful relationship partners & repeated much of my parents’ narcissistic behavior.
I carried this into my own marriage, which was disastrous, for both my husband and me. It took thirteen years (after the dissolution of my marriage) of painfully hard work, to recover my self-esteem, appropriate values, follow through on commitments & honesty (with about myself and others).
This was my choice, after a failed suicide attempt. I decided to turn my life around 180 degrees and take responsibility for my own actions, and help others, through my own experience. It is still work, as I have to always keep my focus in tact and not succumb to old, familiar patterns of destructive behavior. My sister has not been successful, at all, in this regard. After 2 failed marriages (no children, thank God), twenty years of being an alcoholic, and no ability to have or take responsibility for anything in her life, she is constantly in crisis (as is the youngest son of my mother’s “boyfriend”). She is bitter, resentful, extremely manipulative (especially to my mother, concurrently “guilting”; degrading or passive, or approving; to serve her needs). They are terribly co-dependent, and they believe each other’s success/failures, joy/sorrow results from and is contingent upon the other.
The only saving grace I had, was to run as fast and far away from them, at a young age. Yet even that didn’t help me escape some of the bi-products of a dysfunctional situation. Though I never used drugs or alcohol, I found myself in the role of “caretaker” of men with “problems”. It was a hard fought battle to overcome this desire to please, nurture, and finally take care of myself. I guess my point is, that if you feel, as parents, that your lives, decisions, and values regarding affairs with married partners or as married partners do not have any impact on or consequences for your children, you are fooling yourself. It is a “trickle down” effect… One with lasting and long-reaching aftermaths. Please carefully evaluate your behavior honestly & think beyond the moment.
I wanted to add as a postscript, that I’m not using my parents’ or anything else as an excuse, for my own shortcomings/failures. Nor am I blaming anyone for my own choices. What I do know is that my parents did teach me by example, regardless of how “hidden” or contrived their actions were believed to be. To assume we didn’t understand (because we were too young) or that they were not cheating US in any way, is a blatant disregard of how significantly a parent is perceived by the children. Distortion of the facts or diminishing the impact on the children, only gives way to complications for those children, later in life. I am thankful that I was able to reunite with my husband, despite my prior “bad acts”, but again, it took much hard work to change my learned behavior. It is something I would not wish any child to be exposed to, and luckily did not have children of my own (as I’m sure, they would have reaped the effects of the negative baggage I carried). Again, be honest with yourself, & what your kids will learn from your actions.
I would think the obvious draw would be that it would seem actually safer to date a married man, emotionally. You don’t have to stick your neck out there and fall in love, and you can have a sexual, affectionate relationship that you can schedule, without expecting it to lead to anything more permanent. Also, I could understand the single mom wanting to have something for herself, wanting to be a little selfish after the tribulations of a divorce. I can certainly understand it, without condoning it nor judging it.
Twitter @ _katarena_
I absolutely can not understand why a single mom would want to have an affair with a married man. If you want a tryst, go for it. There are tons of emotionally unavailable guys out there. Trust me, I’ve met (and dated some of) them. If you are looking for a no-strings-attached, fits my schedule fling I guarantee you that’s all you need to say. You’ll have a slew of men at your doorstep in no time.
Most of the single moms that I know have been through hell and back. Many of us were cheated on and I simply can’t imagine being the source of that hurt for anyone else. I apologize if you think I’m being judgmental (I admit I am far from perfect) but the subject of cheating just hits too close to home for me.
Kate´s last blog ..On Keeping My Head Above Water
Twitter @ http://giggedygeekmum.wordpress.com/
No, just no. I think some things should hold a stigma and one of those is cheating. As a single mom that’s really not a message we need to be sending. I’m all for having my own life but I would be ashamed of myself if I ever taught my daughter that cheating was acceptable.
I know what its like to see men/women come and go as a child. There was never cheating involved (that I know of) but there was plenty of cheap and easy sex. I can’t understand a person who would willingly inflict that upon their child- it will affect every relationship they have in the future. Children are perceptive. You’d be surprised at what they might pick up on, even if you’re not flaunting it or introducing him.
I would urge women in this situation to stop and really search themselves to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing- and I don’t mean give reasons like the ones above. Just ask why him, why now, what has lead me to make this choice? Try to figure out the driving urge behind it.
That was the only way I was ever able to break my string of bad taste in men. I’m proud to say that its one thing I -won’t- be passing on to my daughter.
GM´s last blog ..WIP Wednesday
GM: We’re very appreciative that you took the time to share your thoughts about dating married men. “Knowing” from a child’s perspective is a powerful and painful experience. Thank you again for sharing so candidly with us.
@ Puzzled Mama
Let me start off by saying that I in no way look down on you, I feel sorry for you. And that is a sincere statement meant only to prelude my comment.
Why on earth would you denounce your faith in God over a man who cheats on his wife? Why would you give up a perfect love for an imperfect one? No matter what excuse he’s giving for cheating, how could it ever be good enough for you?
How do you know that the woman he’s married to isn’t giving it her all while he slinks away to bed with you? You don’t. How do you know that this man doesn’t plan on leaving his family for you (even though he says he’s not)? You don’t. These are some VERY important questions to think about before you continue this RELATIONSHIP. Not “appointments”. When you have sex with someone (especially on a regular time-contingent basis), you are becoming emotionally involved with that person whether you’re up to admitting that or not.
I am a very young, married mother who has struggled for the past 4 years because of infidelity. To hear and read so many women say that they can “see” why a single mother would WANT an affair with a married man makes me sick! How would you women feel if you one day discovered your husband was cheating! This all goes back to the principle we were all taught in kindergarten: “Treat others as you wish to be treated”. I honestly don’t see how anyone could ever consider this! What’s the point of marriage if everyone has a “free pass”!? To willfully accept sex (or in some cases go CHASING after it) from a married man is one of the most selfish things you could ever do.
LU: Please know that we’re deeply sorry for the challenges you face in your marriage. We applaud you for chiming in so bravely. Please know that we wish you well.
Twitter @ thelovepr
I have personally been in a relationship with a married man and I’ve gone through the same phases like most of you writing here do now. And because he left his wife and child for me and not by coincidence, but because I worked towards this goal, I want to share my story with you, all the women dating a married guy – you can read it on my blog.
Good luck
The love PR: Voices of experience are always welcome here. Thanks for joining the conversation.
All I can say is if you’re thinking about getting involved with a married man, don’t do it!!!! I have been involved with a married man for over a year and I’ve fallen in love with him. He tells me he loves me also but I don’t believe anything he tells me because if he loved me then he’d be with me. I do not pressure him to leave his wife. He talks to me about his marriage issues and I listen. I never thought my feelings would get involved. Supposedly he fell in love with me first. The first time he said it I was shocked. About a month later I was saying it back. This man does everything for me and my children. He has a wonderful sense of humor and I never stay mad at him. There’s been so many times when I want to leave him but I always get pulled back in. I don’t know his wife but he makes her out to be a monster but for all I know she could be the sweetest woman in the world. Now, I’m always lonely and disappointed. I want more time with him but it’s impossible. I think she knows he is cheating because lately she goes everywhere he goes which makes it hard for him to see me. He can’t even run to the store without her. He always makes promises to come over but most of the time he doesn’t show, especially on the weekends. I basically see him through the week when she’s working. He also works so it’s really hard to get any time with him. So I say, save yourself the heartache. Don’t think feelings will not get involved because after being intimate with a person for so long, it happens. You will always be lonely and disappointed. I don’t dare date other men because I love him so much. I always turn down any advances from other guys. Crazy, huh. I’m wasting my beautiful years with a relationship that’s headed nowhere and in the end I’ll be the one with the broken heart. And on top of that everyday I have to deal with the guilt of what I’m doing. I won’t even show my face in church anymore because I feel like a complete hypocrite. I know what I’m doing is wrong but my heart won’t let me stop seeing this man!! Uuuuugh!!
To GreenEyes: How do you live with the fact that your husband betrayed you, lied, and cheated on you with a woman from work…then you had to do the dirty work and tell her to leave? I couldn’t even put up with one instance of the beginning of an affair and I kicked him OUT. “He had something to work for/at” was very disturbing to read. It sounds like you took the position of “superior” over the woman at work – like he ‘chose’ you and not her. The reality is, he cheated and he will probably be more careful next time…and he knows you’ll take him back so what is there to work at. I would refrain from bashing the woman and claiming victory because you were the one who was betrayed. That woman knew he was married. You were in the dark.
I’m sorry this happened to you and I think the better advice is that *nobody* should ever date a married man (or woman)…single mother or not. It’s just truly lacks character and it’s a selfish decision to hurt yourself and someone else right from the start.
Hi, Puzzled Mama I really enjoyed reading your story, I would like to know how things have been going on lately as this was posted a while ago
you see Im going through a very similar issue and would like to have someone to talk to about it. if your there still go ahead and comment back thanks!
My mom and dad were married for several years and divorced when I was about 4 years old. My mom married my dad to escape her overbearing parents. After my parents divorced, my mom reconnected with an old friend from college. She has
been dating this man for over 25 years. I did not warm up to this man until a few years ago for two reasons. One: my mom actively kept he and I pretty separate because she did not want me getting close to him. Two: my own father turned his back on me when he and my mom divorced. I grew up with him or any other real father figure in my life, and I am still paying the price for that.
I only found out that my mom’s boyfriend was married because I finally started asking questions about their relationship last year. I asked my mom, “Hey mom, why don’t you and (married man) ever hang out at his place? I don’t want to cram your style by being home when he comes over.” My mom said, “Don’t worry about that. You’re not cramming my style.”
I got to thinking… If I only got to see my boyfriend once a week, I would want to be alone with him, even if we are just hanging out watching TV, you know? After thinking about this for a few weeks, I did some online research and discovered that this man is married.
So, I first asked him about it. He admitted that he is married and that he and his wife are separated. They have chosen to stay married because they did not want to subject their sons to divorce. That, and they have been busy accumulating a fortune between his work as an attorney and engineer and her work as a registered nurse. They own several properties, including a mansion in an exclusive community. They sent both of their sons to the best schools, including Harvard. This man, who says he loves my mom and I, has been taking care of his family, while letting the woman he “really loves” struggle on her own for more than 25 years now.
I next talked to my mom about what I had learned. She admitted that she never planned on telling me. She said that she has not been completely OK with this over the years. (I say that she had been OK enough with it to tolerate this for as long as she has.)
For some background history on my mom: she was essentially “selected” out of several kids that my grandparents bore to be my grandparents caretaker throughout their lives. It started when my mom was in elementary school. When my grandparents needed a babysitter while they went to work, they made my mom stay home from school to take care of her siblings. In the third grade alone, my mom accumulated about 40 days of absences. She lost those school days because my grandparents needed her to babysit. This kind of crap continued in my family until my mom escaped by marrying my dad.
Now, in their old age, my mom holds down a full time job. She also moved into my grandparents’ home to be their caretaker almost two years ago. Only recently was my grandmother, who has advanced Alzheimer’s, admitted into a nursing home. My mom has continued to be the caretaker to my grandparents in our family. It’s a role that I know she loves (because she has been programmed to do it for so long) and hates/resents.
So, dating a married man has fit into her life perfectly. She gets the companionship when she needs it and is available for it. Her married boyfriend gets to have his cake and eat it, too.
It makes me sick that my mom has tolerated this substandard relationship for as long as she has. I have conveyed this to both my mom and her boyfriend. I refuse to have any contact with him. My relationship with my mom, which was a bit rocky to begin with, has gone to shit.
The way I see it is that my mom deserves better. And, though I know she thought that she did all that she could to keep this secret from me and any of its effects, this revelation has deeply affected me. I feel cheated by mom because she had chances to be with other men that would be there for her and for me as a father figure. Instead, she chose to be with a man based on the continued expectation that she would be at my grandparents’ beck and call until they die.
So, to those women, especially single mothers who think that dating a married man would be ideal, convenient, and whatever other bogus reason you come up with, you are so wrong.
Married men need to make a choice: stay with your wife because “it’s cheaper to keep her” or whatever other reason you come up with. Or man up, get a divorce and pay the alimony and child support. But don’t think that you can have both a wife and a mistress. If you think that you’re entitled to have it all, I hope that this arrangement you have blows up in your face.
I had a relationship with a married man while my divorce was being finalized. It was an emotional affair for the both of us. We were married to people we no longer loved and mistreated us both. So we leaned on each other. Initially i wanted nothing physical to do with him, but he pursued and pursued hard. I gave in. We both fell in love with the idea of us but it was just an escape from the drama in our own destroyed marriages. He made promises and so did I. Unfortunately he didn’t keep his while I kept mine. To me he was my safe place to land. Everything I was looking for in that person I wanted forever with. Unbeknownst to me, I was being used. We both finalized our divorces and continued to see each other. From beginning to end it was over 3 yrs of off and on dating, engagement back to dating only to have him leave me in the end. But the realization was that I was his “in between” girl. Boost his confidence, ego and self esteem to make him all better for the next girl. But funny thing is that when he decided to break up that last and final time. I didn’t hurt at all. (Btw we’re both in the military now). I understand he’s remarried to a local prostitute he met and “fell in love” with while stationed in the pacific region, he’s unhappy and has been disowned by family and distanced from friends in the way we ended. But enough back story. You fall for that illusion of safety when it’s a married guy. You think they have it all together. They’re more attentive, passionate and caring. But I’ve re-evaluated my relationships with men in the last 8 months since our break up, if he’s married, in any way shape or form, I run. I run far away as fast as I can.
Twitter @ http://singlemomscircus.wordpress.com/
I’ll be honest. I don’t get it. There are single men out there who are looking for a no strings attached arrangement and could provide the same benefits to a single mom as they are giving as excuses to date a married man.
No matter the feelings involved, there is morality to this situation that transcends religion. These men belong to someone else. This is another woman’s husband. Many of us here have been wives. Many of us have been wives who were cheated on. Engaging in any behavior that is hurtful to another person is wrong. As relayed in other posts, these relationships are hurtful to children on both sides of it as well as the wives.
We are supposed to be role models for our children. Our children already are missing out in many ways by being raised in a single parent house hold where they are not learning about healthy adult relationships. Think about what messages this sends our children. Some have said that they would never involve the children or tell their children but children are perceptive and these things always seem to come to light.
I know the attention feels good. There are other ways to get this attention and your needs met without hurting others and yourself. I have had “friends” who were single but only looking for occasional companionship and physical gratification.
I’m sorry Dr. Leah. I know I have gotten on my moral high horse and my post is laced with judgement, but this is something I feel very strongly about. I’m far from perfect. I do however feel that as women we need to stick together. We have a responsibility to our married cohorts to NOT engage in these relationships.
Since becoming a single mom 3 years ago after 10 years of marriage, I’ve been on a journey of self discovery. I’ve worked hard to strengthen my moral compass as I’ve been faced with the most difficult situations of my life and tried to ensure to not repeat mistakes of my past. I want the relationships that I engage in to healthy. I hope to eventually provide a role model of a healthy relationship and/or marriage for my children. I want to do everything in my power to raise my boys to happy, healthy, successful adults in every area of life. The fact they’re being raised by a single mom already is one mark against them and then their father is less than stellar. I want them to get married, have healthy relationships and children. I can only accomplish this by being the best me I can be. We, as single moms have to work harder than others to help our children to also become the best they can be.
After reading this entire thread, there are a few things I’ve noticed that have failed to be mentioned. Statistics show that over 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Does anyone ever sit & wonder if half of the world’s population is really failing, or is the little box of traditional marriage as society has compacted it for centuries, really the all in all? Who are we to say what is “wrong” & what is “right”. Things like “marriage is the ultimate” & “cheating is evil” are all just concepts created over the centuries to tell us how to live our lives. But are they really working?
If over 50% of us are getting married & then failing, or getting married & cheating, are we really all that evil?
If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that humans fail. Not one of us has ever lived a lifetime without failure, for most of us it’s not even a day or week. So that behind us, I don’t think we should look at these situations as right & wrong/success & fail, but rather complex opportunities for individual growth, chances to learn & make choices the best we know how, to follow our hearts, to do the best we can for our children, to guard our emotions, to live unselfishly, to be role models to our youth, & the list goes on.
Instead of trying to achieve the clearly impossible & then feeling condemned & hating ourselves & others for our imperfections, wouldn’t it be better to show our children that, “Hey, no one is perfect, mom & dad certainly aren’t, but we’re here for you. We love you & we’re going to do our best to be the best parents for you in every possible way. Is there something we’re doing that’s hurting you? How can we make it better? Is this making you uncomfortable, let’s talk about it! Let’s see how to make it easier for you!”
I don’t think anyone can judge a single mother or father or even have a qualified opinion on, or understanding of, till they have been one. Judge not, that you be not judged…that is the biggest lesson life has been pounding at me. But it’s human nature to judge. We do it all the time.
I am not yet 30 but life has allowed me an awful lot of experiences. I have been on all ends of this equation & I have to say if nothing else it has given me a deeper understanding for people, matters of the heart & the pains & emotional things that people go through & suffer.
I was the child who had a rocky family. My dad had affairs & married someone who never really liked or accepted me. But you know what? It’s not the end of the world. Sure, it has hurt a lot & been damaging to have the only person you have called mother since you were knee high constantly condemn you & never believe in you as a mother should, but hey, now I know what I want to be for my child or if I ever am a stepmother.
Been in a marriage 10 years & know what it’s like to be married to someone by “accident”, or to feel trapped in a relationship, to have the pressures of society & looking perfect on the outside while all the while bleeding on the inside, feeling the condemnation for failing & having an imperfect marriage, feeling the guilt for fighting & arguing in front of your children & feeling like the worst parent for letting your own drama cause them insecurities, failing, failing, failing.
Been the good little housewife who loved completely, or thought I did anyways, never looked at anyone else, completely loyal & heavily pregnant while the husband was off having fun with someone else. Got through that & kept going for the sake of our family.
Been the evil wife who ran off with the hot but useless lover because I was swept away by the fact that for the first time in my life I could be with someone who enjoyed being with me & have fun with them & they weren’t mad at me or fighting with me. The “escape from reality”.
Been with the married men WHILE married, sometimes as an agreement with other wives approaching me that they wanted to try something different out only for physical interest. Sometimes with couples swapping husbands & wives with me & my husband, other times just because the husband wanted me & I was happy to have some sex in my sexless young life. Sometimes behind the wives back even though I didn’t know it at the time because the husbands claimed it was okay.
Been married when everything was hunky dory & there was lots of good sex, maybe the best I’ve ever had. Been in that same marriage where there was no sex for years even though we slept in the same bed.
Guess what? Have even been a single mom & dated single men, quite a few of them. Also been a single mom & dated married men. As a current example:
This married guy got married when he was young, just like I had. Married for 10 years to a woman who was a bit older than he, & just a really good wife. Probably the ultimate perfect mother too, even though I have never met her. The way her husband talks about her I think she’s a saint. He’s a bastard & he’s really lucky to have her. But isn’t that just the way the majority of men are? They think with their dicks. This couple have children together & will probably spend forever together, or at least till their children are grown. He doesn’t want to get divorced, doesn’t want to live anywhere else, be with anyone else or anything. He needs his wife to take care of him, & more than anything, they both want to be with their children, they love & respect each other in their own way.
“If I get divorced or tell my wife I am cheating, I will lose my children. I can’t get divorced.” However, guys have needs, & if you ask any guy, most will agree that sex is one of them. He however is no longer attracted to his wife & feels he needs some fun. He is always there for his children & his wife, is always home on the weekends & in the evenings. He fits in occasional affairs during work hours, sometimes on work trips or overnights but they are very few & far between. If his relationship or his wife were at risk, he would for sure give it up or at least lessen the priority. Why would I as a single mom prefer him over a single guy? Simple.
My son has a father, he doesn’t need another one. That would be destabilizing for him. Because we are adults & not children we have decided that in our sons best interest we would put aside our differences & disagreements & just be there for our child & be the best parents we can possibly be. They say the best gift you can give your child is to love & respect their mother. I agree. My ex is respectful of me & I believe we do “love” & care for each other & support this through our words & actions.
I don’t know where people find these “no string attached” boys who just want to have sex but I have lived on almost every continent in the world & haven’t found one that didn’t have an overwhelming amount of drama attached. They have all either fallen in love with me, (& I am of course just an average girl), that I then had the pressure of how to take care of their precious hearts & let them off gently to cause them the least possible hurt while looking out for my own needs for survival & a drama free life OR they have been so narcissistic & abusive that they couldn’t just have sex without wondering why I wasn’t falling in love with them so they had to put me down with their mentally & emotionally damaging words, behavior & sometimes outright abuse.
What do I have in common with Mr. Married Dude? We both love our families. Like it or not, I think I have a family. I’m a mom & I have a son. We are a family & every day I work live & breathe so that my son will know I am there for him. I live for him, would die for him, & yes I would gladly give up any relationship I have ever had & ever will have if in my heart of hearts I know that I am hurting him. I would give up anything. That is how much I love him & that’s what I believe being a mother is. A mother’s love has no limits, it’s pure & unselfish. This is what I want my son to learn & emulate in his own life. I don’t want him to think mom was a saint, she was perfect. Stupid. What kind of impossible dumb example would that be? I want him to one day be able to say, “Mum made mistakes, she did silly things BUT she loved me, she was there for me. I could tell her anything & I trusted her”.
There’s no way to know if a relationship is going to work or not, till you try it. But I don’t want to bring new men into my son’s life all the time. I feel that would make him insecure & instable. Yes, children are sensitive & he would feel my emotional turmoil. I’m totally closed to finding someone, but I have kinda resigned myself to the fact that while he is young, my personal life & desires at least for sex & relationships are on the back burner so to speak & while they would be nice to have they are a luxury that I don’t have a whole lot of time & energy for while I am busy trying to provide the best for my son. No one else supports me financially, I have no benefits. But I work hard & we have everything we need & even things we want & do loads of fun things.
With the guy I’m dating he isn’t going to meet my child & my child won’t know that I’m seeing him BUT if & when the day comes that he does find out, well, because we are open about things, I’m going to use my mother intuition & talk to him & find out how it’s affecting him & what he thinks about it & I’ll be there for him. That’s my idea of parenting, not being perfect but being there to hold your child’s hand through life & it’s difficulties.
Do I feel bad for the married man’s wife? Do I feel guilty at times? Sure I do. I often tell him that he should let his wife out so she can have some fun too. But apparently she’s not that type. She’s in love with him. She wants to stay at home & be a good wife & he’s with her all the time anyways, what else could she want? He provides for her financially, emotionally, & in every other way besides sexually supposedly. Do I believe anything a cheating married man tells me? Of course not, but I tell him I know he’s not to be trusted & he agrees. But we enjoy the short times we have together anyways. We have so much fun together. The rest of our lives are just work, we work hard & responsibly in everything else, a few relaxing times together if kept in balance which we strive to do actually help us excel & feel less frustrated & uptight in everything else we do!
In my twisted opinion, if the wife someday does find out, which inevitable always happens, I’d like to apologize for the hurt I’ve caused her but also point out that while her husband has cheated on her many times before & probably will go on cheating with or without me, the advantage of it being me was that I respected him & her in the sense of their family & their time. I didn’t disturb them, didn’t demand more from him. I supported myself, struggled alone. Sure it would be nice to have the guy I am doing help out with some of the millions of things that I nearly die doing every day on my own, but hey, where all those happy helper single dudes who are oh so nice? I’m constantly looking out for them, happy to meet them & yes happy to consider dating them. Fact is they are out there, but few & far between. Some lucky girls single or not do find them. Someday maybe I’ll find my prince. Can’t say for sure & I’m not holding out for it but I am for those who do find them & I respect the opinion of those who truly believe in true love & admire & envy those who have less complicated lives than my own.
My life has never been easy, have lost loved ones & been through many major heartbreaks besides loosing a child. That is something I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for & of course I hope it never happens. But I’ve taken everything life has thrown at me & done my best to make it into something beautiful & have fun while I’m at it, instead of crying & feeling sorry for myself.
I’m not going to cry or whine about my life & all the misfortunes I have had. Nor am I going to selfishly blame everyone else for my troubles. The day you take responsibility for your own life & actions is the day your life really begins. I believe that. I know nothing lasts forever & even though sex is emotional for me & we are growing closer by the day, I know the day will come when it will better to end it. Most likely it’s going to be found out & then I’m the one who is going to be left alone & face the heartbreak alone. But why all the drama? It is when your heart stops hurting that you die. I’ll deal with the heartbreak when the time comes & I’ll believe in myself & that I can love again no matter how hard it is. I’ll move forward. And no, these aren’t mistakes & it isn’t the end of the world. This is LIFE!!!
All of it, all of these things we go through equal LIFE!!! This is what it’s all about, this is where we are. We are here to learn, to live & to love & to be loved. Love comes in many different forms with many different people over our lifetimes. It is rare that you meet one person as a teenager & live happily ever after with them. Sure it happens for some people, but not many that I know.
So instead of beating ourselves up & debating what’s right & whose right, let’s love! The world is dying of loneliness & a lack of love. Let’s reach out to those around us with our understanding & with our love.
This is not a perfect story, this is a story to say that I understand you whoever you are & if I don’t, I’ll do my best to. We are in this life together.
Meant that I’m not* completely closed…
Meant that I’m not* totally closed…
As a rule, I don’t mess with married men. But (and you knew there’d be a “but” didn’t you?) I was approached by an old friend by email about a year ago. We’d been stationed together and never had more than a friendship. He made no bones about being married. Btw… I don’t know how he found my private email and never owed up to how it came about.
Ladies… ugh… this man made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. We started as friends and it evolved into emotion and then flirting and then … cybersex through IM. I fell hard and felt bad. I know the difference between right and wrong. I’ve ended it. ‘sides I know how these things end… badly for everyone concerned. I’m ashamed of what I did, but grateful that it was all online and nothing face to face (although that is where we were headed in like 2 or 3 months when he came back from Afghanistan)… but my question is… having almost no prior experience with married men… do they all talk that way? Do they make it seem so frikking real? Like they really do love you? Want you? Need you? The lies are so seductive. Flattering. Intoxicating. … but they are all lies aren’t they?
I mean… even if he divorced his wife and left his children… he’d still be a lying sack of feces wouldn’t he? The kind of man who would cheat on his wife and leave his children, right? His wife who is waiting for him to return. Praying for his safety and all the associated motions and emotions related to men at war with wives keeping candles burning.
Why did I end it? Not because I’m a good person.
I’m very selfish.
I want to be first.
I don’t want to have to settle for what he would be willing to give me or what her inattention would allow. Plus, I don’t deserve a liar. A low-life back-stabber, some ungrateful, self-centered horn-dog who feels entitled to have as many women as he can get… goes through women… as if we were disposable. I am not disposable… he doesn’t get to use me and then discard me as if I were trash.
I just found this site and of all things, this topic. I sit home alone today, my kids with their Dad as we share 50-50 custody. I’ve been divorced 2 weeks, it was painful and bitter and we treated each other horribly. Very raw from it all. This topic is so personal to me because while married I had an affair with a married man. For both of us it started out just about sex, we each knew the other was married. I was in a loveless, sexless marriage and I literally just needed someone “safe” to share passion and laughter with. Eventually getting up the courage to divorce my husband, I’m still having an affair with this man. There are no “I love you’s”, just laughter, passion, and quality conversation. Honestly, it’s still mostly just about sex. I just feel safe with him. I know exactly where he stands… MARRIED. He can’t ask anything of me, requires no commiment, yet knows me well enough to know that I am not “on the market” for anything else. We just enjoy each others company, a bottle of wine, a wonderful physical relationship and then he leaves. At a time when the thought of marriage and relationships is distant and overwhelming to me, this no expectations relationship is providing me a comfort that I welcome. Sadly, of course, it goes against all I ever valued and believed in, so I have to avoid dwelling on the topic and over thinking. I know one day I will have to reconcile these feelings. I certainly don’t expect approval or even encouragment here, for some reason just needed to share. Perhaps it’s heeling. Thanks!
Iam currently dating a married man. I never thought I would. Years ago, I discovered the man I was dating was married and left the relationship immediately. This time I knew he was married. I am at a place where I am doing me. I am a single 44 year old mom with a 6 year old. All my life, I have aimed to please everyone’s expectation of me. Today I want to please myself. I am still actively dating single men with the hope, of a long term, marital relationship, but I only sleep with my married friend. How long will we continue this, I don’t know. I do know however that when I do begin to date someone seriously, this relationship will end. What do we do when we r together? We laughed, talk, snuggle, have sex and then leave each other to live our responsibility filled lives.
Why married men and single moms hook up:
1) Good single men are hard to find…when you find them, they may not treat you right and may be disloyal
2) A married man already has a wife at home, you know pretty much who is ‘cheating with’
3) A married man has had the experience of raising a family and caring for women and children
4) Most married men will be financially more stable then their single counterparts
5) Most married men will let you ‘eat your cake and have it too’…meaning as you and he are having your affair on the side, you are free to keep seeking eligible suitors on the side
6) Married men will be a lot more attentive! They will fit right into your schedules and will be convinient boyfriends
7) Will they dump you? Most likely they will, not because they want to stay with you but because your track record of not being able to sustain long term stable relationships will come through and the man will lose confidence
This thread looks old but there seemed to be a lack of comments from the guy’s point of view. So here it goes. After reading a lot of the comments it seems that nobody has mentioned what the man goes through and, speaking for myself, it’s plenty!!
I am so confused now that I don’t know what to do. I am a married man who is interested in a single mom. I’ve known her for about a year and I see her fairly often at work. Nothing but friendly conversation has happened yet but for the first time in my 20 years of a bad marriage I am tempted to stray. Don’t even
know if my “friend” is open to this and I don’t want to screw up a nice friendship by getting serious but I do have actual feelings for her. I am not one of those people who can separate my emotions from the situation. They are already causing me great inner turmoil over how this will all work out. So for the women out there who think we are just cheating so and so’s please remember some of us men are going through a lot ourselves!!
I am a single mom and recently went looking for married men online. I have many that want to sleep with me, though I have only met a few in person. And I have only slept with one. We went to a hotel once.
My husband probably cheated on me and treated me like crap when we were married. I don’t recommend doing what I am doing. I think I am doing it because I don’t want to get hurt and fall for someone. I also can’t deal with a real relationship right now and just want to have fun and have sex. I think part of me likes knowing they are married and that I can’t have them.
Problem is I am very picky and don’t find many people that I like (which is why I am single to begin with) however, I think I fell for guy I slept with (he doesn’t know it).
So in the end it is just like dating, with all the hurt involved…ugh!!
I have been reading the replies and when I came across the post by ME I was crying by the end of the post. I am now a single mum, have been for 8 months now. I thought me & my husband were happy, but many times I found evidence of him leaving messages on gay phone lines for people to get in touch with him, he used gay chat lines, watched gay porn and I confronted him about 7 years into being married, he said he didn’t know why he did it, had too much time to himself (worked shifts) and it wouldn’t happen again. It did and finally I found out he had been on internet dating sites looking for his first bisexual experience (he claimed), I found out after 8 months of him surfing this way. After 22 years of being together I told him if he didn’t want to be with me then he should go, but he promised it was me he wanted.
June of 2011, 6 months after I found out about the dating sites, my first love who I dated when I was 16 to 18 years old got in contact with me, we met up and started an affair. After all I had been through with my husband and always feeling I was begging for sex with my husband, I just couldn’t believe here was someone who wanted me so much and our sex life was amazing. I carried on this affair for 10 months, but felt so guilty that I told my husband and walked out on our marriage. We had been together for 22 years. Now a year and a half later I am still seeing my first love, but he is a married man and I knew this when we first started this affair. I love him and have never stopped thinking about him in all the years we have been apart.
When I told my husband about the affair he made me go into the other room and tell our two boys what I had done. My husband has since tried to kill himself, making my 14 year old son feel responsible for him. My 14 year old didn’t come with me, he has stayed with his dad and I miss him terribly. I do have him with me 2-3 nights a week while his dad works. My 9 year old came with me, we are close, but not having my two boys together makes me sad.
After all this I still cannot stop seeing my first love, I have tried calling it off a few times, but it is so hard. Like others it is now convenient, we meet up once a week, have a wonderful sex life, and he goes back to his wife. I can get on with my career and training to become an accountant, look after my boys as best I can and enjoy the single life with my friends. I cannot bring myself to sleep with anyone else. I have only had sex with my first love and my husband, did try a one night stand a few months ago since I was single but it wasn’t for me.
At the moment I feel messed up as I don’t know if I will trust a man again and I hate myself for having an affair and splitting my family up. I have been for counselling and know that it isn’t all my fault, but that doesn’t stop me feeling like this. My kids do not know my side of the story and why I felt the need to have an affair, I will not mess them up any more, I love them.