Is it okay to fool around if your kids are home?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Sex, Tips & Advice
And here’s the truth: I chuckled when I read about her sleeping arrangements dilemma.
Rachel and I have had countless conversations about how all kids change as they get older — and about how complicated things can get. In the end, both of us agree that no one should make the rules in your life but you.
Well, Rachel used to (*ahem*) arrange her dating life around her daughter’s dependable sleep schedule — or she planned overnight visits planned with friends and relatives. Now her daughter is a savvy tween. So, Rachel needs more forethought and planning than ever to arrange those “sleeping arrangements.”
In this case, Rachel didn’t plan ahead. And she wound up with unwanted kid complications.
So, we’d love to know how you plan overnights when you’re dating as a single parent.
Of course, married couples fool around when their kids are in the house — and when they’re on vacation with their kids. Is the single parent situation so much different than married couples? (Thanks to The Quest for T for covering this topic recently in her blog.)
We know that married sex with tween kids around means far fewer quickies happen in the kitchen. And things get pretty limited to under-the-covers and in-the-dark after the kids are asleep. Is this pattern the same for single parents with tween kids? We’re curious.
We’d love to hear what you think:
Is it okay for single parents to fool around when their kids are home — or with them on vacation?
If so, PLEASE do tell:
How exactly do you handle these “sleeping arrangement” chats with your kids? We are curious to hear what you think.
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If the single parents are comfortable explaining it to their kids if/when they’re caught–and if they’re comfortable when the kids start doing it, then I say go for it.
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
YES, YES, YES it’s OK!!
I think if you are in a LTR having sleepovers and fooling around should not be sacrificed just because you are a parent.
That being said, I have been a single parent for almost 8 years, I have four kids ranging in ages from 18-4 and have been in 2 LTRs during during this time. I think where there is a will there is a way. Yes, you have to be discreet and yes, you have to be creative sometimes.
Being in a relationship is healthy; having sex is healthy and both are good for you as a person as well as a parent. Sure, as kids get older they know that sleepovers mean sex but before that they are kinda clueless and just happy to see their parent happy.
For example, my 11 y/o just figured out that after 2 years of “sleepovers” with my last boyfriend we were also having sex.
Mindy/Single Mom says´s last blog ..Down but not (entirely) Out
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
I love my son, but my life doesn’t end because he was born or that he’s around. Especially with teens who need to know what is appropriate and what is not.
Mike´s last blog ..The Question
i was thoroughly disgusted when i put two and two together…and realised my parents must have had sex in order to have me.
i hate to think what my daughter will think about me.
for now she’s 3 and i go to all lengths to protect her innocence – including celibacy – but eventually she’ll get older and be able to put two and two…and another two together! *blusshh*
Twitter @ Ysabo
I didn’t include a vow of celibacy when I decided to be a mom. I was in a relationship with her father at the time. After we divorced, I went through a period of “My life will revolve around my daughter and I have no room in my life for anything else.” That lasted about two years. Then I realized that was too much pressure on me and her. She needed to know that she could leave me at some time and I would still have a life, and vice versa.
I’m not opposed to a LTR but I still don’t really have time in my life for one. I have had several long term non-committed relationships. They do spend the night on occasion and we do have sex after she is asleep or at a certain point I just tell her we are going to my bedroom for adult time if it a weekend night and she isn’t asleep at 10 p.m. Her bedroom is on the other side of the house but we are still quiet. Sometimes, it is just cuddling on the bed watching a movie together and has nothing to do with sex.
We’ve talked about it openly. She knows I have sex with the guys I’m dating. She says she is going to wait until she gets out of high school. We’ll keep talking about it and I’ve told her that if she changes her mind, we should talk about it even if it is only to get her protection. She has promised me she will. She talks to me about what her friends are doing or not doing.
I think my bigger dilemma will be when/if I find out her friends are having sex and haven’t told their parents/grandparents. Most of her friends also come from non-traditional families so we all help each other but I’ve met resistance when I’ve discussed this type of thing with them before. One of the girls is on track to be very promiscuous but the grandparents are in denial.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
Now you know I have come full circle. I was one of “THOSE” single moms who was adamant that no MAN would be sleeping over while my kids were home. Well I have grown and come to realize that, that was a idea and belief rooted in residual divorce mess that made be afraid of the possibilities of another man seeing and enjoying this body. I have reconnected with a dear friend of 30++ years . He has spent the night(s) while the kids were home. My kids have seen us kiss (not all out kissing—but pecks on the check and lips) He is very mindful of proper displays of affection in front of the kids.
I say go for it…but be mindful and thoughtful. I am not suggesting parading a bevy of love interest in front of your kids but if the relationship is moving to a place of seriousness…a little “messing around” is definitely in order
Such an interesting conversation. As always, we’re grateful for your thoughts and insights.
LoveBabz: Hmmm When you say a “bevy” of love interests, it does raise the issue of how many might be too many? I don’t have the answer, but it’s an interesting question, right?
KatherineSOLOdotMom: We agree! Single parenthood is a comfortable identity and a welcoming community.
Chai_girl and Mindy: Seems like your kids are comfortable and content with the explanations @Legal Editor Mom feels are appropriate.
what about when kids are prudes? my cousin – at 14 – is a real prude and often tick off her mum, when myaunt – happily married – over-indulges with wine. i’m under the impression kids tend to judge us our misdemeanors
Twitter @ tsquest
Thanks for the link love.
Personally, I prefer that my kids are with their dad if I have my man over. But not everyone has that option. So yeah, stealth and a good lock on the door is wise. Plus I think it is ALWAYS advisable to teach your children about privacy and boundaries.
Great post!
T´s last blog ..Big Red Love
I have been divorced almost 3 1/2 years. I have dated some since my divorce.Recently I broke up w/ a guy I had dated for several months. My ex-husband has very little to do w/ my daughter although we only live a mile away.Thus she doesn’t spend the weekends etc w/ him. Before my ex boyfriend spent the night I had a talk w/my daughter about the matter to make sure she was ok w/ it. My ex boyfriend was really great w/ my daughter and she didn’t have a problem with it. He probably only spent the night 5-6 times over sev
oops ! The enter button got hit too soon ! 5-6 times over several months. I went thru a horrible divorce after being married 18 1/2 years. As a result, I would be more apt to live with someone for a while before I married them. One bad divorce has been enough for me.
Not okay to fool around when your kids are home. Respect you children and yourself, and the home you have provided for them. You may say what does respect have to do with it, but the reason I decided to post on this site is to give you all an insight as to what goes on in the mind of a kid being raised by a single parent. We don’t always tell you what we think and exactly how we feel because we don’t want to hurt your feelings or have you be angry at us, but in the end we grow up resenting that we had to keep all those feelings hidden for you. That resentment grows into anger. You may make the rules in your life, but don’t assume that those rules are the best for your children…and aren’t they suppose to be your top priority?
I’m feeling guilty that I’m selfish and immature. My 16-year-old twin daughters are furious with me, disgusted, ashamed and frightened. They heard me being ‘intimate’ with my boyfriend last night – or at least they heard the radio that I had turned on so that they would NOT hear. I’ve been divorced for over five years, and have been with this man for almost ten months now. He’s a good man – considerate, kind and soft-spoken. He shows interest in them, is always respectful and we’ve both taken measures to make our love life private. I moved my bed to the outside wall, stuffed pillows and blankets between the headboard and wall, and we believe, apparently incorrectly, that we are being quiet. Or at least this time we weren’t as quiet as we thought. I feel terrible – one daughter is enraged and crying violently. One won’t even look at me – as though I commited a criminal act. They called my mother to tell her. They said they told all of their friends, (please let that not be true!) who they say “never” have heard their parents having relations. If that is so, maybe they DON’T have relations, and how sad that is. Or maybe they have larger houses than I do!
I feel so mixed up – since they are crying and so upset, does that mean that I WAS selfish and unfeeling? Was I indiscreet and only thinking of myself? It is a strange thing to feel like a “bad” person when my intent was not evil. I was shocked that they heard us!
Their father, meanwhile, has had three live-in girlfriends since the divorce, one after the other. As far as I know, the kids don’t seem to mind that, but perhaps they do. My boyfriend does not live here, although he does spend several nights a week here, not all of which involve sex. I don’t want to spend the night at his house, which is what the kids say I should do, because I don’t want them to be alone, nor do I want them to think that I care more about him than I do about them. I care about all of them!
I’m not ready to be married and I wonder if it would be any different if we WERE married, or if they had heard me having sex with their own dad. I just spent a long while looking for advice on the internet and found a myriad of views. Some basically lambasted single moms like me, others basically said ‘do what you feel,’ and then there were others in-between.
Sometimes I wonder what was harder – being married to a man who made me feel more lonely than when I was actually alone, or being a single parent without a date in ages, or being in a serious relationship with these kind of issues. It all is so daunting, so exhausting and so confusing. I feel like dirt, or at least digging myself into a hole. I want so much to be a good mother, and now I fear that I’ve made a big, big irrevocable mistake.
Hi Irene,
It sounds like you have a wonderful opportunity for dialogue in your house. As you pointed out, no one was hurt and you tried to maintain your privacy. It sounds like your intimate relationship reaches your daughters in ways that are painful for them. Perhaps they fear loosing you. They see someone who can give you something they can’t compete with. It completely ruins any fantasy they might have about reconciliation with their Dad. They are having difficult feelings that are not your fault. Also, they might not understand how nice it is for you to have an adult relationship and how important it is for your happiness and theirs. If they did, they might be rooting for you and learning about healthy relationship.
Stay with it and I’m guessing a lot of healing will occur that won’t happen if you steer clear of having your needs met.
Peace,
Kindlyman
Twitter @ muminawe
I never let him sleep over till I knew it was a long term thing. If I wanted to sleep with someone, I stayed at his house till lateish, and went home afterwards. Now kids are very comfortable with me and my partner, cos he’s been around for ages. We even go on holiday together and the kids are totally comfortable with it.
Wendy´s last blog ..Roast pumpkin soup with blue cheese
My guy lives out of town. He has visited for a week at a time – a few times but has slept in the guest room (our decision to allow the kids time to adjust). My kids are 19 and 20 but live with me. They have no relationship with their father. My man is kind and good to them and fusses over them. He’s been our friend for years but a year after the divorce he and I became more than friends. Have been sexual but not around the kids. NOW, he is coming for the Christmas holidays and I wonder how and or what to say to make sure its understood by all and all are ok with him sleeping in my room with me. What am I afraid of? My kids losing respect for me. My kids reacting badly to me and to him. My kids thinking that it’s okay for mom to have a sleep over so it’s okay for us… which is NOT okay with me…. not until they are in long term relationships. Any thoughts as to HOW I can do this? or even if I should do it?
Twitter @ unique
As a single mom, I have always put my son well-being first. It easy for children to become attached to your new partner, especially if the person treats them and their mom with respect. I met someone I thought was amazing he ended our relationship via text messages. He had secrets and mention I don’t know him now he’s changed. What hurts me is my son looks up to him and ask when can he see him. Its best to keep the children away from new partner until you truly know your partner well. He was a good man just not for me. ..secrets destroys relationship. Kids don’t need to have their moms partner sleeping in their home, unless they are 100% committed to each other
You parents are gross and showing really bad examples for your kids. I remember my mom use to bring her boyfriend to our house; it was such an awkward and annoying experience. It influenced my older sister to sneak her boyfriend home to at night. You moms are setting up a disaster for your kids. Most of them are probably traumatized already, thanks you to.
All of you are playing a dangerous game with the lives of your children. Kids will most times do as you do not as you say. So as you do so will they. If your child observes you going to your FWB/boyfriend’s house or having your FWB/boyfriend over your house. They will do the same when they get to an age where they can independently move about the neighborhood or community. If they witness you sneaking him in after YOU think they’re asleep. Then what do you think they will do when they think your asleep or not home? What they should see is you having a productive and positively loving relationship. The adult aspect meaning sex and certain types of affection should not be conducted when they are present, asleep or not. Remember they are sleeping not dead. So they can wake up and not make a sound as they listen to your late night sexual acts of selfishness. Or even worse observe you without your knowing. Why do I say this? Because I did it as a child. Kids do not and will not tell all. Even if you ask. Even if you think you have the best relationship in the world with your child. All it takes is once, just once. Adult business should be just that, adult business. Your grooming a monster with a high probability of coming back to bite you in the butt later. Not all but a large number of you self admitted offenders will see or find out the hard way. That man, your desires, your urges, impulses, etc should never overcome your maternal instinct to protect your children. That means more than just physically. That means mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially and morally.