Dealing with a Disneyland Dad
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Dads
When we recently wrote about “My kid returns home dirty. Help!” we heard from many of you who deal with an ex who is more like a playmate than a parent.
Because Fred runs a business to help fathers in custody situations, we asked if he might dive deeper into this dilemma, and he gladly offered to shed some more light:
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I have had full custody of my wonderful 10 year old daughter for the last six years. I also have two school age kids (and one on the way).
My wife and I have a very structured, organized, and well-run family. We have calendars of planned activities, pre-decided well balanced meals, homework places at the table, reading logs, and regularly scheduled bedtimes.
However, every other year we take a major vacation and go to Disney World or some other exciting place and do the unthinkable. I let the kids sleep in the same bed, eat out several times a day–extremely fattening food–stay up late, sometimes they even miss a bath, and I give them unexpected gifts.
Why do I do this? I dedicate this time to spend 24/7 with my kids. I love and miss them very much when I have to work a lot, and vacations are my time to break the rules. We all look forward to it!
Let’s consider a traveling father in a nuclear family who comes home from his out of town work, kisses his wife, sneaks into his kids’ bedrooms and wakes them up. He pulls out gifts he bought, loads them into the car in pajamas and takes them to get a big fat banana split.
His wife says, “Honey, it’s an hour past their bedtime. They don’t need the sugar and they have school in the morning.”
He says, “Yeah, but I missed them.”
She smiles, he leaves, and she thinks to herself, “He’s such a good daddy. He misses our kids. I’ll get them back on schedule tomorrow.” She forgives him and gives him some grace.
Non-custodial parents are often hurting, missing their kids and wanting to make up for lost time. They want to enjoy the kids and we, the structured custodial parents, are bitter about “getting them back on schedule tomorrow.”
We vent to the ex, who responds with vindictiveness. You see the pattern here: manipulation, revenge, and selfishness (perhaps on both sides).
I am by NO means excusing the repeated behavior of the ex. Vacations DO NOT last forever. Exes need to come back from vacation and work on being good co-parents.
Both sides, however, need to recognize the “Disneyland Parent Syndrome” and break the pattern.
Are you and your ex caught in this cycle?
Is the “other parent” a Disneyland Parent? How do you deal with this problem?
What’s the best way to handle it?
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Twitter @ ChasingAmy206
I’ve been on both sides of this coin and learned a lot over the last 5 years. I’ll tell you that it’s not always what it seems from the other side. Anger and resentment can blur the truth and make the innocent appear malicious.
The term “Disneyland Parent” implies that the other parent is the play parent and not really parenting. To me it also implies that other parent is somewhat useless. This is a term used by a resentful, possibly over burdened custodial parent. It may be partially true of that other parent, but is it really so bad? OMG…he’s/she’s having FUN with your child? THE SHAME!
Try and see through the resentment and the bitterness for a moment to think about it from their side. Do they have homework they aren’t doing? Often on the weekends they do not, so that parent isn’t necessarily ignoring homework. Are they being allowed to stay up past bedtime? Possibly, but again they are probably not going to school the next day. Are they eating a bit more junk food? Again, quite possibly, but are we talking about 2-5 days out of the month? I believe that us adults are quite guilty of that ourselves. What I’m trying to say is life for everyone involved would be so much easier, more peaceful and less stressed for your kids if you could let this go.
This is more about the custodial parent’s resentment, bitterness etc than it truly is about our kids being harmed in some way. When they get older they will have fond memories of both parents. They aren’t going to like the “play parent” more than you. They aren’t going to turn into “play parents” themselves if they have a strong sense of themselves and responsibility. They may however be better functioning, happier, fuller adults that aren’t as stressed out about pleasing both sides.
Also please try to keep in mind that there are so many kids whose other parent walked away. We have all heard the stories of pain and anger from that spectrum. We as single parents are not going to get the ideal situation for ourselves until we make it so.
Recently my child’s father (whom I dislike greatly) said to me “You really hate me don’t you?” With a sly smile. I responded with “You know what today I don’t want you under a bus.” He chuckled and said “Well that’s a start.” And you know what, it was. Every day my goal is just to give him enough wiggle room that I don’t want him under that bus. Not for me, but for our little girl. Things are getting easier, friendlier, less angry the more I just let the little annoyances (my issues) go. I can’t control his behavior, I can’t control his parenting. I can control mine. Keep telling yourself that every day.
Try being the Disneyland Parent yourself sometimes. It’s fun and your kids will appreciate you letting go at home.
Twitter @ http://cassjustcurious.com
This is something I’m afraid of. That I will be the rule maker, with structure and meal plans and homework time and bedtime….and he will be the fun parent. He won’t have the insight of how beneficial schedule, routine and boundaries are. And I know that he misses her – and thus it’s easy to pepper her with every delicious fun thing out there. I guess I just don’t know how I can expect this to work well for both of us?
How do I navigate this?
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
This is one area, that I have had to make sure I don’t fall into. I’ve decided (and I’ve had to make conscious efforts) to be just regular dad. the vacation-ism’ need to be when your on vacation not when they are with you. You have to maintain a structured home.
The things I do that are fun? Well we do activities but they will end at an appropriate time. The food will still be healthy, and then when the kids leave they know they are loved.
I see Disneyland Dad’s as being desperate to make up for lost time. To be “awesome” all the time. Your kids will not know how awesome you truly are until they can witness you in peaceful and meaningful environment. All the fun of events, eating junk food, eating out will be just remembered as that, just fun.
And they will come to a point when they will recognize that you are trying to over-compensate for real love.
Travis´s last blog ..You’ve Been Stretched To The Limits
Cass: We’ve all asked ourselves that question …how do I navigate this? Short answer – you’ll figure it out and it’ll be okay. This community honors us every day with the thoughtful, caring, and helpful advice our readers offer. Please visit us often. And feel free to ask for any specific advice you need.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I completely (but respectfully) disagree with Cass. I think the problem here is there is no one scenario, and so the problem and response could be quite different.
To the “oh my god, he’s having fun with my child” issue, my response is, it is harmful. My sone takes several days to get back on schedule once he has gotten off. This makes him have a hard time at school, it affects my ability to fulfill my obligations when I have to work for 2 hours to get him to bed, instead of the regular 20 minutes.
Being the disneyland parent is usualy a symptom and not the disease. In my ex’s case, he lives 30 minutes away, he could choose to be active regularly in his child’s life, but doesn’t. So when he shows up after not calling for weeks/months or returning my communications about his son and is the “fun parent” I am livid. Not because I’m worried about my burden, but because he is teaching my son his irresponsibility. Because he creates these monumental moments that leave my son dreaming of the “perfect” father, and then disappears for long periods, causing self-doubt, despair, etc in my son. Because it does interfere with both my son’s and my day to day functionality and productivity.
Parent-child relationships are the foundation for all relationships. So when the Disneyland parent neglects the child and then brings them terrible food, keeps the up late, and takes them to every fun over-the top thing there is, then you set up the expectation that in their future relationships, neglect is ok as long as ocassional big shows are made, that junk food and over spending make up for lack of love and comittment. So many negative psychological things come out of this Disneylany parent behaviour.
Samantha´s last blog ..Filling Up My Life
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Disneyland Dad? I wish it were that easy. Instead I’m “bad cop” and my ex is “good cop”. By this I mean my parenting is undermined on a very regular basis. When I restrict my kids for whatever reason, i.e.; they can’t do something they want, they will call their father and complain. He in turn gives them sympathy, tells them I’m controlling and will come to their “rescue”. He loves to play the hero. He NEVER supports me or my rules and boundaries for them but encourages them to be dismissive of me and run to him to bail them out. So, among other things, they’ve learned to manipulate him – they will fib to get him to do what they want by telling him I wont do it, like if they need a ride somewhere but I can’t take them right WHEN they want they will tell their father I wont at all and he will fall for it and be the hero. It does nothing toward teaching the kids values. Not to mention when they are with him, he buys them everything they could want, takes them on trips, etc. – all things I CANT do thanks to him and all the legal fees he generates.
Exes suck.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Hoop Earrings, Cougars & Dick
My kid needs routine more than the average kid because he deals with autism. In fact, he often dislikes vacations because his routine is upset. The ex has never understood his disorder and will often over-plan activities (overstimulating), or alternatively, fob him off on his girlfriend. His meds are completely screwed up sometimes, too, and his diet is all wacky. I understand some of what FullCustody Dad is saying, but on the other hand, kids need routine (especially on weeknights, regardless of your marital status).
I don’t really get my hackles up because half the time, the ex cancels. The kid is 8 and already sees through his dad’s lame attempts at “making up” for not really ever being there.
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
As we can see this opens up so many issues and emotions, and Samantha is right this is a “symptom” a of a bigger problem. I am not advocating letting the Ex off the hook all the time, but pick your battles and consider that your response may be the reaction the Ex is looking for. Thus don’t perpetuate the problem.
There are times when it becomes an “extreme problem” and legal or other action may be required. What is an “extreme problem”? Well unless the child is in direct danger, it really has to be extreme. My Disneyland Ex didn’t lose school overnight, until she didn’t bring my daughter to school her 36th Friday (yes she missed that many full days of school before the 4th grade) then the courts intervened. I share that with you to gain a perspective of what REALLY extreme look like. Courts won’t change anything if it happens one, two, or ten times.
The next issue is we feel that we get into a “good cop/bad cop” as Mindy put it, or “rule maker/fun parent” as Cass is afraid of. Be the good consistent parent and don’t worry about the other side. Stay the course and don’t be distracted and get caught up in this game. Over time, kids learn the truth and wise up.
Anna, been in your shoes too. There was a year when my Ex missed a lot of her weekends. It got so bad that changes or weekends were never mentioned to my daughter because I didn’t know if the Ex would really show up. I found not letting my daughter expect it and dealing with the surprise was far easier than dealing with the constant disappointment. Document it if it’s extreme, otherwise expect it and deal with it accordingly.
Non-custodial parents, stop this too! You may get the satisfaction of a vacation weekend, but good parent teaches their kids how to live and function in the real world not just in the Mickey Mouse Club.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Buy or Clean a Coat & Tie Suit Prior to Court. Tip #295
Twitter @ http://www.preexistingconditions.wordpress.com
I’m with Cass. My ex just moved away, breaking a 50-50 arrangement that had been working really well for years. Now he’ll be Vacation Dad, and I’m terrified that they’ll associate me with rules and him with fun in the sun, late nights, weird meals, etc. I also wonder every time I yell if they secretly wish they were with Dad instead.
But as my friends keep telling me … if I dwell on this, I’ll go nuts. They are kind, thoughtful girls, 7 and 9; I have to just be the best mom I can, and trust them to understand that.
Beth´s last blog ..Backbeat
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I’m in the same boat Beth. I had a 50/50 arrangement as well and now I’m the primary caretaker. My kids are doing great. They thrive on the consistency I provide and we do fun stuff too. Of course there are rules but I also choose my battles. She’s “vacation mom” but they are so excited to be home when they return that I know I’m doing something right. The only thing I ever worry about on their trips is safety and they call me all the time. Even at 8 they are old enough to see who really makes them a priority and spends the time and effort to be there for them.
If you’ve ever watched “The New Adventures of Old Christine” they had a show all about the dad having the “fun house”. After a long argument he says, “I have to have the fun house because you know what he calls your house?… He calls it ‘Home’.”
My dad was a Disneyland dad for a while because that’s all he really knew how to be at the time. My mom made him stop and we saw a lot less of him after that so it’s definitely a tricky thing to deal with.
Perhaps we should look at this in the bigger picture…you have a society that screams at fathers to be more involved…and if they are involved…we scream at them for having fun with their kids. If there is an in between to a “deadbeat dad” and a “Disneyland dad,” I’ve never heard the media mention it. If someone hates you, then they use the children against you. If you don’t show up, your a Deadbeat Dad, if you do, you’re a Disneyland Dad. Quite convenient actually that we have horrific names for him no matter what kind of father he is. I guess we could reverse and name Deadbeat Mom, or Disneyland Mom, but the media just doesn’t have a field day with those for some reason.
If the non-custodial parent did everything the way the custodial parent wanted, they’d probably still be married. Statistics show that 70% of the ones who end up being the custodial parents are usually the ones that filed for a divorce. And most of them are “No-fault.” Since all research shows that two parents are in the best interest of the children, then any parent that files for a no-fault divorce is selfish to begin with. Usually, the selfish person gets the kids…but that is not enough. We as a society find names we can call the non-custodial parent so they can reassert their dominance and superiority complex post-divorce. It is actually a continued form of domestic violence…using the children to stay in control of the others actions.
You both brought children into the world. If either of you want more of a reason to dislike the other, think about the children…but of course, only after you file for a no-fault divorce. THAT doesn’t have to be a part of poor parenting, does it?
A Father: Thanks so much for joining our conversation. Dads’ perspectives are always welcome here. Please visit us again.
My parents got divorced when I was less than a year old. I visited my father during the summers and he took me to sporting events, outdoor excursions, and other fun destinations.
Dad tried to make up for lost time with grand gestures while Mom expressed her love on a consistent day-to-day basis. I didn’t always notice or acknowledge it growing up, but that steady flow of love accumulated over time.
I enjoyed spending time with Dad, but I always looked forward to going “home” to Mom. Every summer I was a guest in my father’s house, but every day I was a priority in my mother’s life.
If you’re the parent providing structure, discipline, and love for your child on a daily basis, your efforts will be rewarded.
Thank you @Father of two: As Dr. Leah has said, we really appreciate hearing from fathers. We hope you’ll be back.
So how far is too far when it comes to Disneyland Dads? I’m all for fun, activities and new experiences. I provide the structured home for my daughter, all the listed things above from meals to bedtimes etc. I believe that disneyland dads are just insecure with themselves. I also don’t think that compromising good hygiene for love is healthy, its just gross! That is my biggest complaint. My ex (aka Walt) will go as far as to not bathing or have “Child’ brush her teeth because she doesn’t want/like to. To me it seems like its all about the fun and the ability to act like barn animals while enjoying themselves.
The following days upon her return from disneyland its like living with a possessed version of my daughter. She wants to continue living in her own filth, will this end? Will she grow out of it (5years old)? I mean if he chooses to be a disneyland dad thats fine, but is it too much to ask to give a bath/shower and brush her teeth? I know when she gets older she will see him for what he is and that will be disappointing for her but can she at least learn to be clean while disappointed in the future?
By the way Fred Campos: I love your comment:
“Non-custodial parents, stop this too! You may get the satisfaction of a vacation weekend, but good parent teaches their kids how to live and function in the real world not just in the Mickey Mouse Club.”
I will keep this in my mind and back pocket for those frustrating days in the future. It couldn’t be further from the truth.
Twitter @ http://cantitbeabout.me
This is an issue I deal with monthly when the Ex comes to visit. I wish he’d simply take them to do fun kid-friendly things, but instead he takes them to bars and keg parties. Because of his work schedule, this is also usually in the middle of the week. He, and his family, rarely return the clothes I send with them. Hell, I just got a box from them full of last years snowboots/pants which arrived 12 months late, just after i’d bought new ones. When I banned them from Facebook (they’re 10 &12), their Dad and Grandma help them set-up accounts.
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They think their dad’s amazing. And, yes, it bugs the crap out of me. But, I cannot control what he does. Letting it get to me only causes ME harm. All I can do is hope and pray that they grow up to appreciate the lifestyle I’ve provided them and see the other as the pathetic way of living that it is. I hope that when they have kids of their own, they mirror my ways and those of their soon-to-be stepdad. That they put their kids needs above their own. Fighting with me Ex isn’t going to put a stop to his behavior. He is nothing more than a biological parent, IMO.
can’t It Be About Me´s last blog ..Same Old Problem- New Day
Twitter @ JRRSEhopeCoach
The dialogue about the good parent / bad parent is fascinating to read. And heartbreaking, remembering those years with my own son. For many years, my son would return from weekend visits with his (well off) father having had enormous “fun”, and it would sometimes take him two weeks to get back on track at home, especially emotionally. Just in time for another weekend with dad. I made a conscious decision not to say a single negative thing to or about my son’s father, period, ever. And that was one of the hardest decisions I made and stuck to.
I was afraid my son would love his dad more than me, would resent my structure and rules, would over time pity me or feel embarrassed. My heart nearly burst when he started calling his new stepmother “mom”, and I would rage inside while he raged outside – either in anticipation of a visit he didn’t want to have with dad, or recovering from one. My frustration escalated during his teen years when he emulated some things I really don’t like of his father, and he ultimately chose to live with his dad. I had to wait out about twenty years before I (and he) saw how it all came together.
Many years ago, a dear friend gave me some advice: “How arrogant would it be to think that your way is the only way to parent? Allow your son the dignity and respect to be able to ‘handle’ different styles from different people – his life will be enriched by it.”
Now, I see some of the things my son struggles with because of how his father treated him. Do I get angry about it and think it would have been better if he had ‘only’ had me as a mom? Sure. But to put it in perspective, I realize that my other son who has never met his father has some pretty intense issue too – some of them springing from having me as a mom!
In the moment, this whole dual parenting thing seems to take a strangle-hold on hearts and emotions, especially for those parents who take their parenting role super-seriously. “This too shall pass” is something I try to live by.
I remember when my son was in turmoil after he chose to live with his father, and kept sneaking away to my house (we lived in the same town). It was a rather dramatic nightmare for awhile and I thought it would never get better. Two years later, his dad called me to say he had come to the conclusion that it was selfish of him to restrict how much time our son could spend with me. That phone call changed my perspective alot, and helped me realize that although my ex will never share all of my ideals and priorities and perspectives, he has his own, and what is unique about him are some of the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place (a whole ‘nuther can of worms!). That said, those are also the things that, showing up in my son’s personality and character, are part of the things that help to make my son the incredible person he is today.
Sending hugs, courage, and comfort to all single parents out there struggling with this issue!
RJ´s last blog ..Frantic Flashcards- when the balance is out of whack
Twitter @ heathergw
Thank you all for your great insights!
My ex is a proud and self-proclaimed Disney Dad. I wouldn’t have put him in that category.
I do understand the frustration of the schedule & emotions being totally thrown off for days/weeks after each visit. According to my ex, it’s my job to take care of all the parenting responsibilities, while his is to enjoy the time he has with our child. He feels he has fulfilled his responsibilities by paying child support and showing up for most of his scheduled visits.
Hi
I so appreciate the comments made here. I am dealing with a Disneyland dad who seems to not have much of a conscience…his mother pays the child support, which is not nearly enough….and spends a lot of time with our son. He spent all of my money, worked refused to bring any money home saying his all cash food business was at a profit loss. (no one ever did the books) He is now living with his rich mother. She helps with our sons school and I am very grateful for that. My son has sensory processing issues which like autism require consistency among other things. He was also developmentally delayed. I became disabled but not enough to not be able to take care of our son. I deal with the inconsistency by being consistent. I love my boy and have always wanted him to have a relationship with his dad. Because it was about my son, (not his father)
Besides being extremely extravagant like trips, toys etc and $100.00 an hour lessons, any toy you can imagine a very large bank account in our sons name etc. by the way none of the stuff he gets “over there” ever is allowed to come home with him. I have to be careful about the clothes i send with him, bacase he comes home in “last years” clothes from there that are too small. I shop at the thrift store for his. He not only takes him about 3 or 4 different expensive “fun” things per day, he refuses to supervise him. Left him in swimming pools by himself, let him go off in a very large park by himself more than once He got lost and fortunately a nice couple helped him find his dad, this is all while he sits at the pavillion. Left a gun on my sons shelf and let him pick it up so he could “look” at it. Left him at the skating rink while he goes to the store. There are other things as well, all of these before the age of nine. When addressed with these things he will say “ok” but I have found out in the past he continues to do this sort of thing. Lies to him about ridiculous stuff and he also has moved and my son is the one who says hey mom daddy and granny are moving!Did not notify me is willing to give me the address after I find out. He apparently does not say bad things about me, only his actions.
Now he wants to take me to court for right of 1st refusal! which means I would have to call him before I want to go anywhere if I want to leave him at grandmas for a little while on the weekends he is at home! He also coerces him into spending more and more time with “dad”. saying things to him like “why cant you come with me?” the problem with that is he is inconsistent about when he brings him back or has him call me and ask to spend the night!
I have in the past “worked with him” and made sure he had more than the very liberal visitation as outlined in the divorce papers. Again about my son not him or me. But I am about at the end of my rope and am thinking about taking him back to court before he takes me. but I dont want to hurt my son. HELP!
Our situation is a little different than most of those posting here. My ex and I have open visitation with me as domiciliary parent. We both are involved in our daughter’s school, teams and other activities and we always put up a united front as co-parents.
I have encouraged our daughter’s bond with her dad because I know the importance of a strong father figure to a girl’s self esteem. And on the outside he is Superdad. His flex schedule allows him to practically live at her school and he high fives all the kids in her class when he goes for lunch or to pick up or drop off. I am a teacher at another school so am unable to spend every day hanging around, although I often chaperone field trips and volunteer at her school.
Aside from the obvious irritation of having other parents say “Oh, you must be Sally’s mom! We always see her dad here but we’ve never met her mom!”, there is this pattern of ‘forgetting’ to forward me important memos or forms from school, often with dates I may have been able to attend had I known in time to get a sub. And then there is the more typical issue of not following through on rules and disciplinary restrictions and buying her everything she wants, especially things I have deemed inappropriate or excessive like cell phones, ipods, etc. She is only 10!
And now the latest pattern: in which he asks what I think about letting her skip school, practice, rehearsal, etc. He knows my answer will be that she should be taught to honor commitments and that skipping is not okay. Then he can tell our 10 year old that mom said no, with the implication being that HE, the cool parent, would have let her. Never mind that often the skipping idea is dad’s so that they can go do something “fun”. Seldom is it our daughter’s idea. But nonetheless, I have been set up.
I have tried to talk to my ex about this and tell him that I need him to do more parenting and less BFFing for Sally’s sake. He gets offended and tells me how many people comment to him how great it is he spends so much time with her and that if I was that concerned with her emotional health I’d be glad he is so involved. But I know full well I’m being manipulated and made out to be the lesser, bad cop parent.
I am at the point where if I hear once more how wonderful he is (from Sally, her friends, other moms, teachers, etc) I think my head will explode from trying not to scream out what he is really like!
But for the sake of my daughter, I just allow him to make me look bad and continue biting my tongue. And I cry myself to sleep most nights. I worry that he has caused a rift in my bond with Sally that is too deep to repair. Which was his goal.
Mean Mommy [NOT] : We’re shaking our heads. Your ex seems determined to be nothing more than a pal. We’re feeling your pain. It’s no comfort now, but your daughter will eventually understand that anyone can be “fun” … it takes genuine love + commitment to be a parent. We’re wondering what advice other readers can offer. Please chime in.
I am truly at the pinnacle of this situation. Unlike most divorced parents, I was never married to my 3 year old daughter’s father. I went through my hellish pregnancy alone & ultimately gave birth to my daughter prematurely at 26 weeks. He finally “checked in” about a month after she was born, after the hairiest parts of the nightmare & literally said “oh, she’s alright, though” when he first came to see her. I felt it was important to encourage him to be a part of her life, for her sake, especially when she was so critical, I felt compelled to “do the right thing” for her & surround her with as much love as possible. For the 4 & 1/2 months she was in the NICU, I lived at the Ronald McDonald House nearby & spent every single day with her in the NICU, advocating for her, trying to bond with her & be the best parent possible under those conditions.
Anyway, fast forward 3 years… things are progressively getting worse between her dad & I. I have sole custody & he has visitation once a week on the weekend. He is very immature & is irresponsible & passive in life in general, but more importantly has compromised her saftey on several occasions. Because of his lack of “awareness” as a parent, he has been ordered to have supervised visitation until he completes a parenting course, which I think is very minimal, & after almost two months, has not even signed up for one. He has no accountability for any of it & if I don’t accommodate him & supervise the visit & cancel my plans for the day, cuz he can’t seem to ever make arrangements,he gets angry & spiteful. I’m worried this will only get worse & I fear retaliation in a number of ways. I am working with an assertiveness coach, though, and am getting better at laying down the law.
Aside from all this, he is also a “disneyland dad” to the fullest extent. When she spends time with him, he is a playmate & nothing more. He talks to her about inappropriate things, neglects her hygiene, sets no boundaries or limits, ignores any medically related requests I give him for her care, ignores “potty training”, doesn’t acknowledge or talk to her about anything that goes on in her life or her activities other than what they do when they’re together. He doesn’t even know who her friends are or where she goes to preschool, or who her doctor is, yet thinks he is entitled to having her “spend the night” & that I’m hurting her by enforcing the supervised visitation. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Needless to say, her & I have been through a lot & yet we’ve created a beautiful, healthy life together. I don’t want to deal with him & sometimes wish he didn’t exist, but, moreover, I worry about the effect it will have on her in the long run. Of course, at 3, she adores her “Da da”, & I restrain from saying negative things about him to her, but he’s becoming increasingly “abusive” & manipulating towards me & I worry about what he says to her. Thankfully, I have tons of support & have an AMAZING, healthy, happy, miracle child.
This can be difficult not only for the parent or parents but also the children involved. Every situation is unique. I have two boys who I have been raising for five years. They call me “DAD” and have done so on their own since day one. The biological father in this case left the children when they were infants. The call him by is name. Parenting two boys is more than a full time job. It involves every bit of dedication, love, understanding, listening, empathy, guidance, friendship, trust, loyalty, affection……………………I think you get the picture. This is not nor has it ever been a competition with their biological father. If he has any interest in their lives. If he phoned or attempted to contact them at least once a week his relationship with them would make more sense not only to them but for my wife as well. However he speaks to them only on their birthday and christmas day. Thats it. Then once (at the most twice) a year he spends one week with them pumping them full of anything they request. He may as be Willie Wonka for a week. All this to apease his guilt of complete abandonment. And I (respectfully) have the pleasure of listening to the daily mantra that preceeds these annual trips. It turns into a verbal, descriptive daily countdown of excitement. If I ask (with respect) “So what are you looking forward to? The answer is always the same; “We get to do all kinda fun stuff, motel rooms, room service, amusement parks, movies, surprise gift each night”
Its nothing more than a seven day childrens free shopping spree. How could they not be excited??? I respect their biological father. Never speak a disparaging word about him And do my very best to let them share the excitement with me without letting the hurt and resentment show through. I love them more than words can describe. And I understand he has his rights. But its not 50/50 or 70/30 or even 90/10. It 99.8/02. And the .02% becomes 99.8% of thier attention one month before the trip and one month after with biological father.
So, if you are a consistent father in a blended family or father who only has partial custody unless you step up and invole yourself consistantly. You will be nothing more than shooting down the chimney once a year. They will not forget. The novelity will eventually wear off. And those with full custody need do it the way I have learned. Respect it and and least pretend to share your excitment with them. In the end as long as their needs are being met at home they will understand. Nothing to be bitter or resentful about. It hurts. And we have to just be mature enough to deal with the hurt.
My husband and I are raising his son, have been for most of his life. He’s now 10 and spends school holidays with his bio-mom who lives really far. Her calls are irregular, and her interest in being an actual parent is meager. She rarely talks to either of us about how he’s doing, etc. His every visit with her is spent staying up all night, sleeping on the couch, eating out 6 times in a one week visit, no discipline, no chores and regular shopping trips for whatever he wants but doesn’t need. This has always been a frustration of ours. Lately, this seems to be more difficult for him though. The older he becomes it’s increasingly more complicated for him to understand and respect that rules are different. He likes it there because he gets to do whatever he wants – it’s ALL about him. When he comes back again there is an adjustment period, and he is becoming emotionally more affected by this. I love the response above from the Dad who was committed to being a ‘regular Dad’ ~ wish we could reason that sense with bio-mom! My stepson would gain the greatest benefit from that effort.
My fiancee and I are grappling with his disneland dad approach when his six year old is with us and the fact that my son who is 3 really only gets the day to day with him. My son’s father has never been in his life and my son has come to love my fiancee very much. I mentioned to my fiancee that we only seem to do exciting activities when his son is with us and he felt hurt. I don’t think its 100% wrong but I also don’t want my son to eventually feel that that the only time we do fun things is because my fiancee son is there. I feel there needs to be a balance if both boys are to feel loved equally. Am I wrong?
Father :
I filed for a no fault divorce as required by law. I am the custodial parent. I gave my x 2 yrs. to : get a job,stop drinking,get a car, and to live on his own instead of w/ his Mom. So who is SELFISH here ? The Mom wanting a calm loving home or the alcoholic Dad addicted to drama ?
He chose not to change at all. In fact his health is starting to fail due to the drinking.
In my house we have rules, routines,etc. In his nothing structured.
He still drinks and has no job.
I get 0 child support.
He sees kids and thinks he is Master of the Universe and HE can teach them EVERYTHING they need to know. Boyscouts ? nahhhh he knows better….
I found the more consistent I am in routine and rules the better my kids feel. They feel in control and nurtured. The more I am involved w/school and events they are interested in they feel more secure and gain self esteem.
Now please reiterate what you commented on…
Twitter @ claireandjanae
I think this is an issue that has both irresponsibility and person issues in involved. @Father it is true I was advised to file for a no fault divorce although I could have gone another route- with the Children as the reason. Fault divorces can often make it difficult to co-parent. In many states you can only file a no-fault divorce and costliness can be a confounding factor.
I think there is a huge difference between having fun with your children and being irresponsible. My ex is a Disneyland dad. He is miraculously able to plan elaborate outings but can’t give me 24 hours notice and has a great deal of money. He tells the kids it is good I tell them he bought something.
Because he is guilty for cheating and leaving. That’s how it is. He is going to try to buy forgiveness. His miraculous new-found ability to plan things frustrates me but it does not equal neglect like in some of your cases. At the same time it is not the vision of what a father does in my mind. He is like a ridiculous older child. I’m not sure how to deal with it- that is his idea of being a parent. If he were putting the children in danger I would try to stop it. Also I’m not trying to compete with that. I don’t want to. Well honestly sometimes I do but it’s not what I want my kids to have. When the kids needs someone they will come to me and when they want something they will go to him. I’m trying to be OK with that- luckily I get to go to tons of counseling and not try to control his idiotic ideas. Of course his house is spotless- no children live in it.
who knew that parenting would involve more professionalism than anything else?