Do you tell your kids the truth?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Moms
Whenever we hear about a parent who’s doing it all solo — without an ex in the picture — we get it. Both of our exes split town, and we’ve raised our kids alone since they were in diapers. Are you one of these parents, too?
So, when we recently read Formerly April Dawn‘s poignant post at L.A. Moms about her ex landing in jail, we empathized. The first time her ex landed in jail, she writes, it was days before her daughters’ birthdays (they’re six days apart, and they were turning seven and four).
She wondered: Would she lie to her girls, or tell them the truth?
“After mulling it over, talking to friends, family and my own therapist (and wishing that someone had written a parenting book on the subject!),” she writes, “I opted for the truth.”
We’ve all had to face some hard truths in our lives, but when it comes to our kids, this can be so painful, can’t it? At Singlemommyhood, you’ve shared so honestly with us about when you told your kids you were getting divorced. You’ve told us how what you explained to your kids when the “other parent” broke promises.
April has chosen to be completely honest with her girls. This has us wondering:
How have you handled telling (or not) your kids painful truth about the “other parent”?
Have you opted for “truth” or have you felt that “truth” was too much for your kids to hear?
We’d feel honored to hear your story!
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(Photo courtesy of abardwell via Flickr)
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Twitter @ http://jeanieinparadise.blogspot.com
My ex died as a result of a mental illness – my daughter got told very basic facts (that he had died) but not the method – well, not by me anyway, as I felt she was too young to deal with some facts that even adults have trouble handling.
Unfortunately, she had an uncle (father’s side) who didn’t agree with me and decided to tell her and my nephew the unvarnished truth.
My daughter was not hurt by the fact I hadn’t told her, but not being able to control all avenues of information meant that her knowledge was a surprise for me and something I had to deal with “on the fly”.
Each situation is different, obviously, but when there is some contact from “the other side” you have to know what is being said elsewhere.
jeanie´s last blog ..Two weeks and a day…
jeanie: Thanks for sharing a difficult and painful parenting experience. Needing to respond “on the fly” to such a HUGE issue must have been a terrible challenge. You handled it well – you’re a terrific mom!
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
My kids have asked questions. And typically I refer to her choices as being poor decisions, talked about root problems like insecurity, fear and doubt and how it can control people.
I’ve never really gone into details. There isn’t a need, but I have been honest about her choices and how it affect me.
Being honest should be there, as long as it constructive and respectful. The truth can be spoken without adding anything extra to the damage which they have already created.
Travis´s last blog ..Love Is Something That’s For Sure
Wow, this is timely for me! I literally just had to go face this. About 5 days prior to Christmas, my ex husband landed himself in jail. Vehicular charges and petty theft. My children are 4 and 9 now, they were infant and 5 when he left us after relapsing into drug addiction. My mantra has always been: keep it honest, keep it simple, keep it age appropriate. But here they were – waiting up at night, giggling in bed for Santa, so excited for Christmas. This was the first Christmas I agreed to bring them to my ex’s mom so the children could see him on Christmas eve. The past few years I practiced some avoidance of this by going out of town for Christmas.
I talked beforehand to my daughter’s Feeling Doctor (aka therapist). I told her I was ashamed to say it, but actually seriously considering a lie this time. What is the harm in saying “Daddy had to work out of town, he’s sorry but we’ll celebrate Christmas with him later in January”. Cowardly, I know, but I felt so weary of it and so personally filled with dread at hurting them again. I almost couldn’t bear it. She said she understood, and thought it was a legitimate option under the circumstances with Christmas looming. But … she also reminded me that I am my kids’ rock. And my daughter in particular struggles very much with trust. What if I opted for “Daddy’s working out of town” and someone spilled it? What if he called from the jail? Do I just build one untruth on the other? I couldn’t lie to them.
I told them very matter of fact and worked hard to keep my own emotions neutral. Act. As. If. I practiced beforehand and our conversation went smoothly. My daughter had a very stoic reaction for the first time – no drama, no tears. I felt almost wistful for the hysteria. I said Daddy is in jail and we will not see him this Christmas. He did something illegal. It was not violent, but adults have rules about driving licenses, and registration, and paperwork, and taking something that doesn’t belong to you even if it is small. Jail is a type of “Grown Up Time Out”. It is not prison, but it is also not fun – it is a punishment. No, it is not like on TV with dark bars in front and dogs with keys. I read on the topic, and anticipated some of the questions: Would he be lonely? Was it a dark or scary place? Would he have food, or be cold? Can we speak with him or visit him? I told them that ironically, county jail looks much like a school cafeteria with little rooms around it and that the worst part would be he cannot leave for a month, maybe two. But they can speak to him on the phone. No, we will not be visiting because he will be out in a few weeks.
In a perverse twist, my former mother in law insisted we still come on Christmas Eve, and please could I bring my new husband. So, he and I celebrated with my ex’s family by ourselves on Christmas Eve, with my kids. It was awkward but actually nice. After all, these people were my family for many, many years. I had an interesting talk with my kids about how our life is very nice these days. We feel sad about Daddy, but it’s not like a few years ago when Daddy’s up & down determined ours. Today our life is stable and we have our own things to look forward to, we’re detached and it feels good.
Twitter @ mskat
I used to lie about their father to my sons when they were little, but once they got old enough to handle the truth, it was not only easier, but the best thing that I ever did.
For holidays like Christmas or their birthdays, he would of course, forget and not send them anything at all, so I would go out and buy them presents and sign the gift tags and cards “Love Daddy” so they wouldn’t feel hurt or think that daddy didn’t love them.
But once they got old enough to know and handle the truth, I stopped doing that and when they asked, I told them the truth.
I told them that he didn’t send anything and that he never had, that I did so they wouldn’t feel bad about it.
Once they learned the truth and they talked to him a few months later, they asked him about it.
As he always has said to them about anything that costs money or even about just being their dad, he said to them again, “Your mom is telling the truth, I never sent you any presents or cards for your birthdays or Christmas because I needed the money for my band. I’m sorry that I’m such a shitty father, but my band is really important to me, someday I hope that you will understand that.”
They asked why he just never picked up the phone and called them, said happy birthday or Merry Christmas, said I love you, said anything, they would have liked that too.
He said that he was too busy playing with his hand and he forgot.
Once my sons heard these truths from him, our relationship improved.
For a long, long time, they blamed me for taking them away from their father, for not letting him see them, they finally understood that moving far away from him was my way or protecting them from being hurt any further.
Even when we lived just 8 blocks away from him and he had court ordered visitation, he canceled the visits or just never even bothered to show up or call.
I would say to tell the truth to your kids but only when you know that they are old enough to know and handle it.
They may be kids, but kids are able to deal with some of the hard truths of life, and then you won’t have to lie and come up with all kinds of excuses for the ex’s mistakes in their own life.
Kat´s last blog ..Good memories.
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I’m dealing with this now since my kids’ mom moved in with her parents a few months ago and is trying to recover from financial difficulties that had a serious impact on my financial situation as I’ve had to pick up the pieces over the past couple of years to take care of things that she doesn’t. Her vision of life as we know it is quite a bit different than how almost everyone else sees it including our kids. They know she isn’t pulling her weight and my son is not only upset about it but he’s been calling her on it and she feels as though I’m turning them against her.
I have had to work a lot of extra hours just to keep my head above water and continue providing everything for them and I also remain committed to doing everything I can for them when it comes to homework, cooking, managing the house, etc. It’s exhausting but I’m giving all I have to make it work and they are benefiting with better grades and more stability.
Now I just have to find a way to balance reality with their need to have a relationship with their mother who does love them but is extremely self-centered and selfish. My friends and family already think I’m too nice to her and too forgiving. What she doesn’t seem to understand is that for kids their perception is their reality and adult rationalizations don’t cut it for them. They view the world through actions, follow-through or lack of, and consistency.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I’ve been a 95% solo parent. It would’ve been easier had I been a 100% solo parent. The 5% has been – and continues to be – problematic, on all fronts.
Now that my kids are older (teens), they know a good deal. But some things they will never know. We opt for loving and protecting in ways that we see fit. And when we do try to reveal critical pieces of information – hopefully we do so calmly, and judiciously. The days I look at myself in the mirror and disrespect the woman who looks back are those days when I’ve let anger override better judgment.
It’s human, I know, but it’s hard to see kids hurt. And when we are the ones who hurt them with our words – whatever the reason – it’s hard to forget that feeling, those faces, and the resentment that is bound to occur.
Truth is always somewhat a matter of perception. And I’ve tried to allow for that. I hope I have. I hope I have been factual and fair. But I will never know if I have disclosed too much, or not enough.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Okay Parents – Use your words!
Twitter @ http://365daysofhearingwordpress.com
I may not have personal experience with having “the other parent” in jail—but he is a compulsive liar. To lie to your children is really to protect the other parent. I refuse, just refuse to protect other parent. I have never covered for him nor have I told her the whole truth. I will say things like, “Well, your dad doesn’t call because he feels that he’s too busy to doing other things…” I may even gently remind her that she may or may not get a gift from him and not to be surprised if it doesn’t come. If I say, “Oh, your daddy loves you….he’s just busy…” That’s lying to the child and protecting him. That’s also telling my child that it’s acceptable behavior on his part. I believe in telling the child the behavior may be inappropriate without talking badly about the other parent and I also don’t believe it’s our responsibility to protect the parent or the child in that sense.
@ Amy: thanks for pointing out that fine line when it comes to being honest with your child: “To lie to your children is really to protect the other parent.”
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
My job as their Mother is to protect them first. 3 years ago I went to federal prison. I spent 29 days. My then husband and I made the decision NOT to tell the children the “truth” We felt it would cause too much stress and worry them. We talked with their pediatrician and our minister and friends. It was the right thing to do. Teling them this at their young ages without a point of reference about what prison is and what this means would have given them information they could not handle. There will come a time that they will be told. Now all my children are adopted and we have talked about that openly. But we do not talk about the circumstances of how they ended up in foster care. They are not old enough to put into context abuse, neglect, abandonment. You can’t put children in a position to process information that they don’t have a reference for. We must explore our motivations for telling children “truth” about a parent, or a situation. I think you can tell a child a version of a story that will allow them to love a parent and still understand why that parent isn’t there for their birthday, or Christmas. Shaming a parent in the eyes of child does not serve the child if that child is too young to really understand what is being shared. I think anything over 13-14 you can tell a child some truth.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..LOSING WEIGHT WEDNESDAY
Twitter @ beresourceful
As I’ve gotten older, I see my daughter’s father in a much different light. As a young single mom, I took everything that he did or did or did not do as a direct reflection of how much he loved his daughter. Now that I’m older, I realize that was not the case. Regretfully, I’m sure I said things around her that were based on perception. Today, anytime she feels like taking his actions personally, I give her a better way to look at the situation. Shows like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Tyra and the 6 o’clock news have good examples of adult children that were given large doses of “truth” before they could handle it. I’ve met a multitude of people that knew more about their parents and past, at an early age, than they were able to handle.
We have to analyze our motives behind whatever “truth” we share and, if possible, wait for some of the emotion to wear off so that we are actually telling the truth and not how we perceive the situation to be. When it comes to telling kids the truth, I think we should give them the information they need and cushion the information they want.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
@ lovebabz & Sabrina: If you read the whole post over at LA Moms, you’ll see that when he did call on their bdays and caller id showed “LA Prison,” I knew I’d done the right thing. My oldest was old enough to read that and ask me what it meant.
I agree with the commenters who mentioned that you can only tell as much truth as they can handle. The first time around, I explained that he’d taken money that wasn’t his. A couple of years later is when I told them about his drug addiction. And this year, both of my daughters have stated that they understand that his problems are his alone, and have nothing to do with them.
I used to worry a lot that when my oldest daughter was on her own, her dad would end up living on her couch and sponge off of her. I no longer worry about that. I think she is learning how to both love her dad, and accept who he is. And my youngest daughter has already learned how to do that because she doesn’t have any memory of him ever living with us.
It’s a long, hard road, and they still have a long way to go, but I’m content with where we are.
April´s last blog ..Ranting about homework
Twitter @ Zoeyjane
I always tell my daughter the truth, regardless of the subject matter. It might be a pared-down version, but it’s always the truth. For example, I won’t tell her that her dad didn’t come for a visit because he’s hung over because he’s an alcoholic and started drinking around 13, so as to cope with his parents’ divorce; I would say that her dad could come because he had gone out with his friends the night before, drank too much and now felt too sick to come.
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On division
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
While I have no personal experience in this department, if it were to happen, I would opt to tell my children the truth. They deserve it. It’s not my job to protect my ex anymore (as harsh as that sounds) and if he were to break the law, then he would have to answer to his children to that, as well as to society, in my opinion.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Having Faith
Rachel Sarah says:
January 6, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Twitter @ /
@ Amy: thanks for pointing out that fine line when it comes to being honest with your child: “To lie to your children is really to protect the other parent.”
I don’t agree with this. I’m not into enabling, but I think this above is a very “ex-centric” point of view – as if your choices are determined by what effect they may have on an ex partner. My choices are determined by my children, and myself, and what’s best for us. I try to detach from whether it is or isn’t “protecting” or “not protecting” or “good” or “not good” for him. The underlying assumption with that mindset is your actions have any effect at all on the ex. What does my ex care for my protection? Protection from what?
While personally I have always opted for truth, a lie or omission is protecting the child, regardless of any effect on the other parent. I think the real crux of the issue is: Can you protect children from this? (no, probably not) and is it developmentally appropriate to shelter them from some of it, at a younger age – and how.
@Gregpeckfan: Thanks for clarifying that this is not a black and white issue. We are very appreciative that you’ve written down what you think.
There are so many factors to think about, as you point out (your own story, your children’s stories, their ages…) And most importantly, thanks for reminding us that you, as the parent, do know what’s best.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I tell my sons facts, as in “sometimes your dad has trouble making good choices” and “dad didn’t email me about this weekend, so we will have to wait and see” I don’t tell him his father is selfish, which the man is, or that his father is abusive, a chronic liar, and refuses to pay his bills or childsupport, which are the reasons he doesn’t have a driver’s license or a decent place to live, but our son is 11 and is figuring these things out on his own.
I also have never refused to allow the boys to see their dad when he wanted to see them. I want my children to have a loving relationship with their dad, even if he isn’t perfect.
My son’s father left me when I told him that I was pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with either of us, and only saw my son a handful of times when we happened to run into him in our small town. Last year, he and a new girlfriend had a baby. The baby passed away at nine weeks old weighing less than it did at birth due to malnutrition. My son’s father and the girlfriend are both in jail right now for child neglect. My best friend’s boyfriend is my son’s uncle on his father’s side, and told my son that his daddy was “locked up” and “wears orange everyday.” My son is three and a half. So I had to have a talk with him. I told him that his daddy did something he shouldn’t have, and that jail was like a very long time-out for grown-ups. He seemed alright with this, but really… I don’t know how to handle this when he gets older. He already tells me that he “wants a daddy,” and now he knows that he has one, but he’s not here. I don’t know how he’s going to feel growing up with just a mom, but I do know that I hope and pray for the strength to NEVER lie to him.
I have 3 daughers, 7 year old twins and a 5 year old. I am honest with them about their father. He is an alcoholic. Two of them saw him (to some degree) physically attack me and break my nose 4 years ago. They still remember the blood, police and black eyes that I carried for two weeks. He has been in and out of their lives since then. At first I would say that Daddy was working etc. But after much thought and prayer I decided that it was worse for them to grow up not knowing that he was an alcoholic and in the future feel like I deceived them too. I simply said that Daddy is sick. He is an alcoholic. Which I described as something like an allergy to alcohol. It makes him make bad decisions. They have witnessed him drunk on visitations (which I have since stopped). I have explained that he needs to go to a doctor for help because he is sick. They can understand that concept. But still don’t quite understand why he doesn’t go to the doctor if he is sick. I tried my best to explain that part of being sick is that he doesn’t think he’s sick. It is so hard to try to put things in terms kids will understand. It is such a struggle to know what to say and how to say it. I just do what I think is the most honest with out giving lots of details. I feel for all of you that have to deal with telling your children about any of the difficult situations talked about here.
Rebecca: Thanks so much for telling your story. You’re a terrific mom …that’s the perfect way to explain to young kids alcoholism as a disease…We’re sorry for the physical and emotional pain you and your kids have suffered.
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
Wow, interesting responses. @Sabrina: I am with you on that, and that is how I raised my kids. It’s not about me, or him, it is about them. I held this thought in my head when my kids were younger. When they go on that job interview, how are they going to be perceived? Because, I knew, one day, they were going to have to get a job. Were they going to own themselves and their actions, or blame? I choose not to trash my kids dad, and kept the information simple. And concentrated on our world, and creating a safe stable environment, dealing with life as it came. And I have to be very honest here. My kids were not full of questions about their dad at all. And when they did, I kept my responses short and age appropriate, much to the dismay of the adults in my world during those times.
And I think Sabrina hit the nail on the head, as far as truth is concerned with our kids. They need love, to feel safe, routine and stability. With that, they can make decisions when they are older, about who they want in their lives including the other parent.
Jane´s last blog ..My latest small screen rant…
I have 3 children, 5,7 and 9. My ex-husband was just incarcerated for 45 days for non-payment of child support. It happened the day before my daughter’s 9th birthday. They have been disappointed so many times by him in the past few years that it was 5 days later that they finally asked if they could call him. Normally, he would call every night. I hadn’t received any questions until 5 days later. I then chose to tell the truth that they couldn’t call him because Daddy didn’t do what the judge told him so he was in jail. After 3 weeks we received a letter asking if he could call and talk to them. I’m unsure about this and am wondering if I should allow it, if I should just allow them to write back, or if I should just tell him no. He is a drug addict and will only be allowed to have supervised visits.
@Carrie: Thanks for reaching out to us during this challenging time. We will follow up offline. Big hug!
Wow this is the story of my life! After 10yrs I left my husband/daughters father because he was doing at least 3months what seemed like every year! And now yet again 2 weeks before her birthday he is going to fed. prison for 1 year at least. My daughter is only turning 4 so I’m not sure what to tell her, I think I will get presents and sign his name on them, just this one time. I think I have alot of underlying issues with this whole situation my own father having been a gambling addict.
@V: Please keep in touch with us as you face these challenges — and we hope you have some good friends/family to lean on right now.
My ex has been in jail for about a year now and we have a son who is almost 4 years old (next week is his birthday – actually he has the same birthday as his dad/my ex). I have also read a lot about this type of situation and even my counselor told me I should tell him the truth in an age-appropriate manner. I told my son that Daddy made a bad choice and that we all can make good or bad choices and some bad choices result in jail. I told him Daddy is a good person and he loves him very much. His daddy writes to him and calls weekly and he is showing me (and him) that he wants to be in our son’s life which is great. It is hard because sometimes my son will say – that person made a bad choice by littering and now they’re going to go to jail – so now I realize that I have to teach him that some bad choices are worse than others.
It’s hard but I think I’ve done the right thing. I grew up being sheltered from every bad thing and I have been very naive and it’s horrible because I would rather my mother have told me that bad things happen and allow me to deal with bad feelings. I have struggled with all sorts of things (nothing illegal) but I have had hard times trusting people – ahh!
I just had an ah ha moment – I probably have had trust issues because I was lied to but the lies were told out of a good heart but it ended up hurting me because I have had to teach myself to deal with bad feelings in my 30′s. So, I’m glad that I’m teaching my son that life isn’t all rosy. I think for my situation, this is a good decision on my part. But, like all parental decisions, we each have to feel confident with our own decisions and stand firm.
@Diane: Happy Birthday to your son! We’re honored when someone has an “a ha” moment here. Please keep us in touch.
Twitter @ swv8199
I can totally relate! However, I opted to not say anything because I felt my son was too young too comprehend. He is only 5 years old now and his dad was in jail for 2.5 years of his young life. I would say to him that his dad lived too far and was unable to visit. I still face the fact that my son is getting older and I don’t know if down the line I should share that truth or his father should (since he’s out of jail now).
Oneida: Thanks for joining the conversation. We understand your dilemma. We’d love to hear from other parents whose spouses or partners have been in jail. How have you handled discussing this (or not) with your kids?
Twitter @ ashley71183
My husband went to prison when my oldest son was 4 months shy of being 5 years old. There was no need to lie or deny what was going on, especially since my husband would be gone at least 10 years. My husband stole something and my child knows that and obviously knows the consequences. He is now telling his younger brothers about it (age 2 and 1) and I think it has helped him to cope with it since he gets honest answers and is encouraged to talk about it.
Ashley Yarboro: Thank you for sharing your story with us. We wish you and your kids well. It can’t be easy. Please stay in touch with us.
I have, this past week, had to have my husband arrested for sexual crimes against a child. My son needs to know that daddy isnt coming home. I reminded my eldset(his step son) son that I have always taught them to protect themselves because you do not know who the bad guys are and that his step father ended up being one of th bad guys and is now in jail for a very long time. My youngest on the other hand is his biological son and needs to get closer before realizing he will not be seeing him again for a very long time if ever. I have considered telling him that daddy has made a really bad choice and has to live at jail now but he can go and say goodbye so that he can have some sort of closer to the situation. I am just not sure if this is best or what i should do.
Stephanie: Our hearts go out of you. Our thoughts are that, if you’re not sure what to say or do, it’s best to take a bit of time before having any conversation with your kids. You have also been through a terrible trauma. And it’s our hope that you’re getting support from family and friends. Are you receiving counseling? You deserve the help. Please stay in touch with us.
My husband is in custody with immigration. He is wating to see if he will be deported because he overstayed his time in the USA 18 years ago. We have been married for 12 years and our 10 year old son is disabled. My husband has been in custody for 3 weeks and our son keeps asking where dad is I have told him he is away on a business trip which is common for my husband, but we just found out it may be another 2 weeks to hear if he’ll be released. My husband and I want to tell him the truth so he can go visit him but we are worried he may not handle the news well especially because he is autistic. Should we tell the truth.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
@Dana, whether you tell your son the exact truth or not, I would recommend you at least tell him enough truth so that he can visit his father. Seeing his father is really important — especially if your husband is deported and it may be a long while before your son sees his Dad again. If your husband *is* ultimately deported, you will have to tell your son something close to the truth at some point — so might as well come close to that point *now* so that your son can spend time with his father (even if your husband is released, at least your son can spend time with his father in the meanwhile). Kids (even autistic kids) are often more resilient than we given them credit for — and right now, your son could probably use some time with his father — 3 weeks is a lot to be without a parent at the age of 10.
Twitter @ heatherjoyjj
My daughter’s dad went to jail for selling drugs when she was a baby. He was sentenced to 18 months, but served 6 months. She was 4 months when he went in and 10 months, almost, when he got out. I left him when she was 4 years old (he was abusive, among many other things) and I told her as I started working through the leftover pain of the relationship. She was about 9 years old when I told her. She is 10 years old now. I decided I didn’t want to protect him anymore and she needed to know the truth. He rarely sees her now (it’s been a few years) and hardly send gifts, letters, and maybe calls every once in a while. But I made the decision that she should know.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
well, my kids know that their dad is an abuser and a liar, because they have lived it. they know he skips out on bills because the cable has been turned off and people call his place wanting their money. they know he has anger issues because they have been in the car w/ him when he’s had road rage incidents, he’s screamed at them, me, his parents, etc., horrible, mean things. but they do not know why i left, which is because i found out he was a closeted bi-sexual transvestite. their therapist told me that because they already hate and fear him, finding out a sexual weirdness would just be too much for them, as in, “he’s this kind of a freak and you’re MAKING ME GO!!?” i want to add that my ex puts no limits on himself sexually. men, women, somewhere in between, strangers. i had a PI follow him and a GPS on his car for a couple of months. this is not a matter of me being a prude, or just different preferences; he is quite the whore. for 10 months after i found out i literally could not say the word; transvestite. i said (when forced) “cross dresser”. and i felt such shame and embarassement. but now, over 2 years out, i’m well past that. this is on him, not me. but i know my girls will have to process this in their own way. so i will go through each feeling again as they do. the shock of who he is made me physically ill. i don’t look forward to it, but know its coming.
My daughters father has just been arrested for a sexual crime to a minor. His arraignment is this week. She is 10 years old and I am struggling terribly with what to tell her. I’ve read through the responses and so many different opinions confused me even more. I would never lie to her to protect her father, I would however lie to her to protect her. So far I’ve told her that he is in a “facility” to help him straighten out his life and stop drinking. He is likely going away for many, many years and I don’t know how to move forward. I am listening to the advice of if I am not sure, wait and think. Any crime would be easier to understand and explain than this one. I am at a total loss. I am going to seek counseling.
I am a mother of three boys. 9 year old twins and a 4 year old. Their father & I separated almost a year ago. We were married for 10 years. He had drug issues that were financially burdening us and he was in denial and refused to get help. I gave him tons of chances to change until I finally had enough. About a week ago he was arrested and is expected to spend a lengthy time in prison. I am expecting to tell my sons about it today when they get home from school. And yes, to me, the truth is the best way to go. I want them to feel like they can always trust me. They are very close with their father, especially my 4 year old. I think he will take it the hardest since he will understand less. The past few days they have wanted to call him and I sort of ignored or avoided the request. I plan to tell them that daddy had to go away for a while because he broke the rules (the law) for making bad choices and he has to be punished. I am prepared to speak to school counselors about our situation. If anyone can help me help my boys get through this, I’ll take it. My heart aches so badly for them and I am terrified at how this will affect them. It’s not fair. They have been through so much this past year and frankly I am pissed off. I think I may need counseling myself! Pray for me and my boys and wish me luck as I tell them this devastating news today. :’(