When your ex never leaves
As many of you know, neither of us got the chance to co-parent with an ex — unlike so many of you. Thank you for opening up about everything from how challenging co-parenting can be to what’s it is like to spend holidays with your ex.
So, when we read this very honest Modern Love column in the New York Times recently — “The Ex Husband Who Never Left” — we got curious. We’re sure you’ll have a lot to say about this one:
Six years ago, Stacy Morrison’s husband — and the father of their 10-month-old son — said, “with a wave of his hand, ‘I’m done with this.’ ”
He packed up his bags and moved out, “and yet, he never really left.”
“Two or three nights a week when I come home from work or an evening out, Chris is sitting at my dining room table, eating dinner or working at the computer, having entered with his own key and having made himself at home in the apartment that my son and I moved into after the divorce. If he orders food, he’ll sometimes get me my favorite nachos….”
In the meantime, Stacy has met a new lovely man, whose toothbrush now sits next to her ex-husband’s toothbrush in the cup.
Yes, you read that right: her boyfriend’s bumps up against her ex-husband’s toothbrush in the bathroom.
We encourage you to read the rest of this beautiful essay.
But in the meantime, we’re curious.
Do you think it’s admirable that this woman has such a close relationship with her ex-husband and an open-minded boyfriend who seems to go along with it all?
Or, is this all TOO much? Do you think this woman needs to make some boundaries? ASAP?
And men, we’d love to hear from you.
If you were dating a woman and her ex’s toothbrush sat next to yours in the cup, how would YOU feel?
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At last, congrats to the winners of our book giveaway for Devotion:
Issa from Single Mama NYC
Jeannie from Cafe Jeannie
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Photo courtesy of Evan Romine via Flickr
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I admire the fact that she wants her son’s father to have a daily relationship with him and doesn’t want to limit him to being an every-other-weekend visitor. BUT, I think she needs some serious boundaries. No way in Hell should he have a key to her apartment, leave his toothbrush there, come in while she’s at work and help himself to her groceries, etc. Relieve the sitter if he gets off work before she does? Great. Help plan the kid’s birthday parties? If it works for them, more power to them. I don’t even have a problem with him staying at her place with the kid when she travels (although I could never allow my ex to do that…way too much invasion of my space!) but he decided the marriage was over, he moved out, they both need to move on. If it’s working for the new boyfriend, then I guess to each his own, but it does seem to bother the boyfriend and understandably so. I think in the long run, someone’s going to implode. None of the three of them are being honest with themselves or each other.
I thought it was interesting that she said when she moved that the ex shouldn’t sleep in her bed when she’s gone. And then he did. He showed no respect at all for what little boundaries she did try to set, but she didn’t enforce those boundaries either. She’s trying to rationalize it to herself, but clearly she has no respect for herself so how can she expect him or anyone else to respect her.
wondermom´s last blog ..Procrastinating…
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Um yeeeah, this situation sounds pretty dysfunctional to me. At the very least she should be setting some boundaries and take away his key. She needs to claim her own space!
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Girl’s Weekend
Twitter @ juliayaz
I recently read this article and it reminds me of me. Separated for two years now and counting, my ex lives in Europe and comes to visit my two young children regularly. Like Ms. Morrison’s ex husband, my husband at the time was the one to end our long term marriage– for another woman who had psychological problems. Silly man. You can guess how that ended for him–badly of course. Two years ago, I could not stand to see him or hear his voice. Even mundane emails from him discussing finances would send me into an angry or even worse, a depressed state. Fast forward two years: we celebrate holidays together with our children. I have dinner at his place with the children and vice versa.
Let me be clear: I no longer have any interest in him as a husband. There is no hidden desire on my part to get back together with him. It’s co-parenting and our relationship is as simple as that. Like Ms. Morrison, the importance I place on not missing out on moments with my daughters is more important to me than any anger I may feel towards my ex. Boundaries are a personal thing and it is possible that Ms. Morrison has them– they are just different from what most folks would set. What I think is most important is to figure out what your boundaries are independent of what people/friends tell you they should be and follow your own conscience in the matter. Also remember: however things are with your ex now, won’t be forever. Intense feelings change, soften, fade…thankfully!
Twitter @ http://giggedygeekmum.wordpress.com/
This situation seems to work for her and her ex. However I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t call it fair for her boyfriend. Actually, I want to go the extra mile and say she sounds a bit selfish.
It’s not that she wants a life with her ex in it or even the extent of his involvement. It’s that it doesn’t sound like her boyfriend found out what he was getting into until after the fact.
IMO she’d have better luck searching for a man who’s into the poly lifestyle. She may not be sleeping with her ex but he still sounds like a partner.
Satsuki´s last blog ..Auuugh!
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
seems weird to me. To me when you are married its supposed to be a forever thing, so when things start to go sideways you both work long and hard at it before calling it quits. That means separate lives that intersect only at the child. If he’s really done with them then he needs not to have a key to her place or a tooth brush in the bathroom and unless he is available to watch the child while she works there is no reason on earth that justifies him being in her place when she gets home from work.
I don’t know what she should do for sure, but definitely a long conversation is needed. He needs to back off or make a play to get her back. This hanging at the periphery, enjoying her home and company with out the responsibility is not ok or healthy or normal.
alley´s last blog ..Pretty days spent inside
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
And what will their son think about this when he’s older? How is he supposed to answer his friends’ questions about why he has two dads and one mom living all together? They can say to themselves all they want that they’re doing it for him, but whether or not he has to adjust to two households later (which gets harder the older they get), or get teased by his friends for this polygamous-like lifestyle, I’m not convinced they’re really doing him any favors.
April´s last blog ..Quick Update
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
This kind of reminds me of my ex who just a few months after our split asked if I wanted to go on a “family” vacation and sleep in separate beds and only last year wanted to know if she could stay at my place and drive my car when she visits the kids. (she moved out of state) Like Ms. Morrison I’m sure I put up with more than friends and family feel is right but I’m trying my best to do what’s right for the kids and most of the time avoiding major fights over little things seems to be best. However, I did put my foot down on the above issues and many others. There are times when I feel like she thinks we’re still married but without the sex.
As for dating someone with this kind of relationship with her ex I’d have to pass. The key to the place is just too much and waiting for him to leave when you get home from a date would be very uncomfortable.
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I think it’s too much. While it’s admirable to have a close relationship with your ex, I am strong believer in boundaries. I don’t think it’s good for the child, and it’s definitely not good for this mom’s new relationship. It’s time to put up some boundaries and get the ex a little bit more out of her life, in my opinion….
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..We Are ALL Beautiful
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
Hey if you can have a good relationship with your ex, cheers to you. However certain boundaires need to be maintained like having the locks changed. I’m a big believer in that if you don’t fully close the door to one relationship you’re not going to have healthy new one.
Mike´s last blog ..Was it like the risotto?
Twitter @ woodpeckergirl
What’s the ex husband’s toothbrush doing in her apartment?
**Jeannie´s last blog ..Happy Easter
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
What an interesting scenario. A gentle divorce, that allows her to remain married. And have a boyfriend. This is the ultimate in control. It will, however, change, when her ex becomes involved with another woman, if he ever chooses to. Unless, he too, chooses to find someone who does not want to fully engage, in a relationship. Interesting. We all know how our kids, are our barometers…the teen years with this family will be interesting.
Jane´s last blog ..Easter
Twitter @ http://aprettygoodtime.blogspot.com
Well, given that my ex is about to move back into my house for a few months, I can completely identify with this scenario. It is weird, and definitely not normal, but I don’t think that means it’s dysfunctional. That said, it’s not easy, either, but I am working to set out clear boundaries to make things go more smoothly. I also have a new boyfriend — who’s, thankfully, understanding of the situation — but I don’t think I’d go so far as to have him come over and hang out with me and the ex! Bottom line for me is this: divorce sucks, even when it’s clearly the best possible choice, so whatever works for each family is great!
Robyn´s last blog ..There’s No Manual for This!
Twitter @ wendycooper1975
As a single mom who`s ex lives on the other side of the continent… as a single mom with extremely little support in the way of a sitter that I`m comfortable with (let along being able to afford the time or the money) and very little family around me to help out… I don`t see a problem with this.
I think it`s an individual thing – if it doesn`t work out with her boyfriend because of her ex being around in their current situation – she`ll have learned and will make changes or find someone that will accept it if it`s that important to her to keep that situation going.
At this present time – our home is a place where only very very good friends visit. I have yet to meet someone or go out with someone long enough to introduce them to my son. Our house is his territory and I can`t disrupt that.
Maybe I wouldn`t think it was ok if I were in the boyfriend`s shoes – but I haven`t been (in his shoes) and I can`t pretend to be – if he were that upset about it he has the choice to not accept it and leave the situation.
Honestly, I think they all have an ideal situation which also benefits the boyfriend in that they get time to go out or have time alone without the son knowing he`s with someone that will take care of him in a way he`s used to without removing him from his home and any routines. Logistically speaking it totally works with driving back and forth and shipping over night bags, toys, etc from house to house.
I don`t see it as being selfish as much as it is sensible and the best situation for the son.
If you could imagine where her story goes after that party – my scenario would be that the two men realize they are both good guys and get along, become friends and it`s one big happy family.
Just my 2 cents.
Twitter @ kerriwall
I love this too, and it also sounds like an arrangement I had for a few years with the father of my son and a boyfriend. BabyDaddy & I weren’t having sex and defined our relationship as strictly ‘co-parenting’ but we came & went from each other’s houses very casually all the time. It was important to me because I respected and liked him as a man and as the father of my kid. Plus, my son was the absolute number one priority for me and I knew for him to have a good life that he needed lots of time with both of us. Boyfriend knew he was down my list but it seemed to work out for all of us for quite a while. I don’t understand why people would label this ‘dysfunctional’… I call it ‘flexibly creative.’
Kerri´s last blog ..The Ice is Getting Thinner
Twitter @ http://singlemomscircus.wordpress.com/
I think it’s all about the people involved. I think there are strong, laid back people who can be ok with this situation. I don’t know that I could. I applaud those who can though.
The Ringleader´s last blog ..Just Having Fun
Twitter @ tiiajoneslove
When I first began dating a certain man, he and his ex had a similar relationship and I thought it was SO abnormal. It made me wacky, and I peppered him with questions about it. As time went on, I realized that it worked for them and for their little boy (who had some severe issues). I think it’s easy to judge when it’s not your situation and, especially, not your child. OTOH, if and when it’s bothering the mother she’ll have to set boundaries. I guess we have to assume it’s not bothering her enough to do that at this time.
Tiia Jones´s last blog ..Single Mom Summer