What exactly is child support supposed to cover?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
You’ve let us know that many of you struggle with the outrageous choices your co-parent makes. And we know (first hand) how difficult it is to manage your budget when child support is undependable — or nonexistent. The compromises many of you make to keep peace with your ex for the kids’ sake are nothing short of heroic. We applaud you!
So, when this single mom asked a co-parenting question that left us shaking our heads, we knew that YOU would help. Here’s what she told us:
This mom and her ex are divorced, and he only sees their five-year-old daughter once a week — although he lives just several blocks from them. Sometimes, Dad spends the whole day with her. Occasionally, their daughter just spends the night. Besides having a bed for her in his apartment, this dad has nothing for his daughter.
“When he sees her, I have to pack clothes, shoes, toys, books, bathing suit, personal DVD player and DVDs, water bottle, … absolutely everything,” says this frustrated single mom by email.
When she talks to Dad about this situation, he tells her that he pays her child support to buy those things. So, if this single mom buys a new DVD, for example, Dad feels she’s buying it with HIS money.
“I know that many kids pack clothes for an overnight visit, but I feel like I’m being asked to go over and above what child support is supposed to cover, ” she says to us. “I want to make our daughter comfortable by having her own things, but I’m tired of being responsible to him.”
The situation has been bugging this single mom for a while. But, just recently, Dad lost the head phones for his daughter’s DVD player — and he refused to replace them.
This single mom is unsure whether her co-parenting frustration toward her ex is justified. So, please …do offer your perspective on this single dad’s view of child support.
Is this single mom supposed to provide everything?
Or is Dad shirking his parenting responsibilities by providing nothing?
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(Photo courtesy of Orange Elephant 2009)
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Unfortunately nothing will change if you continue to help. My son’s father didn’t even have diapers I had to pack them every time. I advised him in email what he needs in his house for our son and the next time I dropped my son off I didn’t leave anything. It wasn’t going to hurt my child and sure enough his father went to the store and bought everything my son needed. If you continue to enable someone they will continue to take advantage.
@Christina: Thanks for chiming in about what worked with you re: your child’s father. Please stay in touch.
Unfortunately some ex-partners can be extremely petty. My father’s daughter has her 2x’s through the week (overnight) and every other weekend. He has never paid the full amount of support as he has consistently lied about his income for almost 5 years and is being very uncooperative. He has consistently stated in the past that “he pays child support” to cover all of our daughter’s expenses….unfortunately, he has also consistently lied about his income. For two years, I not only provided him with a packed bag with all the provisions twice weekly and every other weekend, I washed the dirty laundry upon her return!! I still provide ALL clothing, shoes (even spares to keep at his house), school supplies….you name it, I pay for it. He’s even been so petty as to request dog food for her visits with her best friend! The dog is tiny – so cost is a minor factor!! I’m doing my best, working with lawyers, but apparently they have the ability to state just that “I pay child support and should not have to provide anything”. Even with a legal agreement outlining specifically what he is to pay and provide, I’m still resorting to lawyers.
Christina’s advice is good – however – my ex would have just kicked up fuss and done something crazy like report me for neglect. His ultimate low – having our 8 year old daughter call me crying saying “Why won’t you let me have food for my doggie….mom he’s going to starve this weekend. I don’t care about my clothes, but Coco needs his food.” Needless to say, I didn’t drop her off without all the necessities again.
Leigh: Thank you for sharing your own experience as you do your best to co-parent. Please keep us in touch.
Twitter @ singmommylogues
This has been a continuous issue with my ex from the moment my daughter was born. At five weeks old, I moved back to my hometown with my daughter to get help from my family. My ex could not support us, and I had no one else to help with my daughter either physically or financially. Our relationship ended soon after we moved home. From that point on, my ex has not paid a dime to help support our daughter, until just recently. At first I didn’t take him to court to order child support, but I was sure he’d feel some sort of responsibility for her and try to help out anyway. But he didn’t (though he did still feel entitled to speak to me, for me to give him continuous updates on her, including pictures and e-mails listing her progress, and to speak to her at his leisure on the phone when she was old enough). Finally, this past summer, I took him to court to force child support. Since he was unemployed (and had not worked in more than three years), he was only required to pay what someone who makes minimum wage would pay, and let me tell you, it’s next to nothing compared to what it takes to raise a child. But still, he did not pay. Finally, when I threatened to take the next step, which was getting an attorney in his home state and taking him to court there, he miraculously got a job and began to pay. He’s now trying to catch up so he’s current with the courts.
What I don’t understand are all of those parents out there (and it’s not always just men, as there are many many great fathers out there) who feel no obligation to take care of their children physically or financially. Time and time again I meet mothers who are working several jobs (myself included) and sacrificing their time, money, and energy (not to mention sleep and social lives, among so many other things) doing everything they can to simply make ends meet and give their child the best, and yet their ex does everything he can to dodge paying while still feeling entitled to all the other benefits of being a parent. It is just beyond my comprehension as a parent to not WANT to take care of my child.
My view now after 3 1/2 years as the mother of a fabulous little girl: I’m the lucky one to have her in my life, and I’m grateful every day that I’m the one paying for the things she needs and wants, and being there for her. Some days it’s hard, but we manage with a little help from our family and friends. Whether he pays child support or chooses to see his child in the future, I’m in control, and my daughter is in control. One of these days, she’ll be able to make the decision about what kind of person her father is for herself. And when that day comes, he’s the one who’s going to lose out.
Tara´s last blog ..My Little Watchdog
Twitter @ 5ksandcabernets
Ok, I’m coming at this from a dad’s point of view. A single dad who does not have custody. And first, let me say this: I understand the consternation that a lot of single parents have when the non-custodial parent does nothing.
However, I’m the non-custodial parent that does more than asked and I still get raked on the coals. When me and my son’s mother broke up, she took our son and left the city where we lived to move three hours away with her mom. For nearly two years, I paid child support, visited every two weekends, and paid for other little nick-nacks that came up. Finally, I decided that my son deserves to have his father around, so I quit a well-paying job that I’d been at for 14 years to move to a town where I knew no one, absolutlely no one with no job prospects, to be closer to my son.
I still pay my child support (without a court order by the way and have never ever ever missed a payment), I set aside a little more each month for my son’s college education, I pay his insurance, and there have been several times over the last 1 1/2 years when my son’s mother didnt have a place to stay (house renovation, etc.) and so I let them stay with me.
And she still complains that I dont do enough. I see my son every weekend and once or twice during the week. I help pay for his birthday parties. And she still complains, and she still wants me to give her even more money to put him in daycare, or to buy him this or that, and I must admit, sometimes I do say, “Look, I give you child support – you buy that stuff).
So again, while I understand the frustrations of the custodial parent, I just hope you guys/gals are looking at the entire situation (which I’m sure you are) before judging the non-custodial parent. I mean, he/she isnt in control at all. You are in control. You, for the most part, determine when and where and how much time your child spends with his/her father.
And again, I’m not excusing a lazy ass dad/mom. And again, maybe we should have thought about all of this stuff before the breakup – or better yet, before we had a child – but when you plunk down 20 percent of your check every two weeks (and when i didnt have a job for six months I was giving her 20 percent of my unemployment, per state law), and when you also pay for your child’s insurance, and you pay for extra things, the last thing I wanna hear is, “Well, Kevin, you’re not doing enough.”
Sorry for being so long-winded.
Kevin´s last blog ..Chicago Marathon race report
Kevin: We are truly grateful to have a father’s perspective here. We have followed your story online for years, thank you for opening our eyes.
Two options buy a few things for dad to keep at his home. Keep your nice things that you purchased in your home. You can buy them second hand to save money. If dad looses these things its on him. Second option is to inform dad you will no longer provide for your child while he is with the child. Child suport does not cover everything in most casesi. There are many expenses related to the children child support doesn’t cover like extra money for birthdays, summer camp, Xmas toys, back to school etc. I feel dads need to have their own stash.
Twitter @ thoughtsrm
Child Support should cover daycare, insurance, food, housing and clothing for your child while in your care. When court looks at the Household income – they add your income to the noncustodial parent. The total is what is required to keep the child at the overall standard of living. Your income is assumed already contributed. The income from child support assist the custodial parent in maintaining the standard of living while in your care.
Custodial parents should not be going above for the non custodial parent – especially when its taken advantage of.
My parents divorced when I was two. I am a single mom now ..and sometimes relieved I don’t have to deal with my son’s father – although i think its best to treat that relationship with more care – no money exchanged outside of court ordered child support. Everyone should have their support recorded by the court to protect themselves.
Kevin, you are doing a great job, but just remember child support doesnt even begin to cover all that a parent has to provide to a child..its only a drop in the bucket. Daycare expenses should be split % wise according to what the court says it should be split, in most cases thats 50/50, that is in addition to the child support. All the extras and unmentioned things you do are extra and you choice to provide. The moving you did and sacrifices you made are noble but thats what a parent does. From the sounds of it you seem to be more well off than the mom, and there sounds to be resentment that you have to pay $ to her and passively you are looking for ways for people to pat you on the back. The ex may be a B***h in your eyes, but is the child cared for? the standards you want to hold her up to seem to be far reaching and what you need to do is stick to spending that extra $ on her when she’s with you so you know its going to her well being. Send the child support,pay your half of the daycare, its probably to enable her to work so she can give more to your child right? If you kid is healthy, fed, clothed( not designer duds), sees the Dr & dentist regularly and has a safe home you really have no room to speak….
my friend & her daughters father recently broke up. their judge informed him that he could not have over night visits unless he had everything their child needed ready in his home.
the child support dad gives mom is for anything mom decides to spend it on, because her income is being used to support the child. most custodial parents earn more from their job than they receive in child support. she can pay her rent with it, she can take her boyfriend out to dinner with it, or she can buy the child new shoes with it. its impossible to seperate money that way. dad needs to grow up, stop being so bitter & petty, & do for his child when the child is in his care.
My little girl is 15 months old. I am a single father. The mother left me when she found out she was pregnant because ‘she wasn’t ready to be a parent’. She felt if she stayed with me she would have no choice but to be. So she moved in with her mother who lives an hour away from me. My ex has no bills. No rent, no mortgage, no car note, no insurance as her father pays that, no utilities as they are paid by her mother. She receives WIC, state provided medical care for her and our daughter, and food assistance. The ONLY thing she has to pay for is fuel and lunch while she works and diapers and wipes when our daughter is with her. She does work full time and leaves our daughter with the grandmother to watch. The grandmother buys our daughter toys and some clothing.
I get our daughter every weekend, Thursday night to Sunday at noon. I make the that one hour drive twice on Thursday and twice on Sunday. I pay rent, car note, insurance, utilities, and buy our daughter clothing, toys, food, and take her to small events I think she would enjoy at her age, such as Disney on Ice and children’s programs at the local civic center. I receive no help from anyone or any government service. The courts declared that based off the income that my ex and I make, our daughter is entitled to ‘$$$X’ to be used as support to raise her.
That money goes to the mother to offset cost of raising our daughter. That money is not awarded to the mother. It is awarded to the child. It should be used to pay for the food, clothing, toys, and activities BOTH parents see fit to. The food, clothing and toys belongs to child, not either parent, so to say these toys and DVD’s are ours, and those are yours is wrong. They belong to the child no matter which parent the child is with.
The ‘$$$X’ child support is child support, not mother support or father support. In any given 28 days, I have my daughter 12 of those days and receive none of the money. So in order to offset, the cost of raising a child, what the mother spends on our daughter should go with our daughter when she comes to stay with me. That is not so with the case. I have to pay when our daughter is with me, and when our daughter is not.
I get frustrated and am often at the bank trying to keep house and car. The mother spends the money on the fuel for her truck, her phone, clothing for herself, cigarettes, and the lunch while she is at work… I’m guessing; because, the grandmother and myself pay for clothing, toys, and food. Is it fair? Is it moral? Will the courts do anything about it? All I can do, is what I am doing because I choose to be a parent and a good parent at that. I am my daughter’s father and will suck it up and do what needs done, and never mention it to our daughter, because it was my choice to have her and as she grows up, children see love and affection, not the things they have. Adults see the things they have. It isn’t about what our daughter has, but who she loves and chooses to pass hugs out to. She doesn’t bat an eye when she leaves that house, but she cries like … well like a baby when she leaves this one and there isn’t much here. Not much except love.
Paul Wayne: Your points are well taken. We hear your frustration. You’re a special dad and we’re honored you stopped by. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
a friend of mine tells this story that she was told by her day. If I give you $5 every time you come into the room, pretty soon you will come into the room expecting your $5. It’s not appreciated, but it is expected.
Child support is paid to cover the costs associated with caring for a child when the child is with the OTHER parent. This is why, when time increases of decreases; so does support.
You are essentially carrying your child’s father. Stop sending things. If he wants to be a dad; let him be a dad. What it sounds like you have now is a baby sitting situation. He expects you to fianace and provide anything that might be needed on the visit.
I learned after a lost; retainer ($400), inhaler ($75), coat ($75), jeans ($50) and many other items; NOT to send anything I expected to get back. They do not take their DSI’s, bikes, retainers, nice clothes, etc.
Their dad does not like this. I accept this and am no longer bothered by it. When I tried to make things eaiser for him it because expected. Things were demanded (where’s my $5!?). But the first time it impacted him negatively (someone wet the bed)he figured out that he needed to do something.
Ask yourself why you need to rescue your ex. I SO wanted my girls to have a relationship with their dad that I bent over backwards to try and make it work. When I stopped, their contact stopped almost completely.
Its not your job to create a relationship with their father. Its his job to create one with his daughter. If you make her available for phone contact, emails, texts, and visits, and don’t speak negativley about him; you have done YOUR JOB.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
i want to add, that my ex has gone as long as 5 months w/o paying court ordered support. its only because i live rent free (family home) and have a lot of financial assistance from my family, that we weren’t forced to go back to him. (he’s an abuser. and i have a restraining order). the minute i left he closed all joint credit cards and bank accounts. financial issues are used as a weapon by people like my ex. and sometimes you have to respond with what gets a reaction.
Twitter @ KrustyTheCat
@Paul I completely get where you are coming from. My fiance and I do not have custody of his children and they live an hour away from us. His ex wife cheated on him while he was in Iraq, and started divorce proceedings during that time. She then moved an hour away once he got back, and in the child support agreement had it said that he had to do all the driving. So we are forced to drive to pick them up and drive them home every single time. Also, the money that she gets from child support she NEVER spends on the kids. The kids come to our house looking like they got clothes out of the goodwill reject bin, yet she receives a lot of money to provide for them each month. She just bought herself a $400 elliptical machine, hair dye (blue!) and some other random crap. The kids came to our house this weekend and my 13 year old step son is wearing jeans that are higher than his ankles. My step daughter’s underwear has holes in it. When the custodial parent gets this child support money, they are supposed to use it to provide for the child, not themselves. I should also add, she does not have a drivers license and refuses to get one, nor does she work. She spends all day on the computer. and goes out every single weekend even when we don’t have the kids. It was not our choice that they move far away, and if they were closer, we would be able to do more about the situation, but unfortunately we can not. She shouldn’t be relying on money from us to live off of, that money is for the kids. And it infuriates me that she doesn’t take care of them properly. We have to inspect their suitcases before they come to make sure they have proper clothes. I am taking family pics of all the kids this weekend and she about had a FIT when we told her they needed nicer clothes to wear. They still didnt come with much. ugh.
My ex husband and I have four year old son. He lives two buildings away in the same apartment complex. I am grateful that he agreed to pay over and above the legal requirement for our son. I try to budget well and pay for whatever my son may need. But, sometimes, things come up that I just can’t fit into our budget, even with the extra income. Like shoes which he seems to grow out of every month!
I ask that his father contributes to unforeseen expenses as best he can and have his apartment set up to accommodate our son. I’m lucky that he is a great dad who can only afford a 1 bedroom apartment and gives up the only bedroom so our son grows up without feeling like he’s a visitor in his fathers home. His Dad pays for all medical costs and I will pay for college out of my alimony portion.
You have to make a lot of compromises and sacrifices for your kids, they deserve it. When your relationship fails you an not fail the children. They love you both and should never be put in the middle.
Anonymous: Your relationship may not have succeeded. But, you’re champs at co-parenting. Your ex is a GREAT dad. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. Please visit again soon.
Twitter @ MommyTRex2010
A comment was made that I agree with 100%. Don’t provide items to the ex. It seems like the items are for his comfort, and if he wants to make things go smoothly and get some B***s then he should stand up and provide for his kid. That mom is actually being put upon to think for the father, I’m sure she has enough on her plate raising a child. I am a single mom and honestly my daughters father pays half school fees and all medical, and he does not pay support,why? He just provides what ever she needs. Because that is what parents do. No questions aksed. I don’t think he could ever give me enough money, there’s always something needed. Its hard but I make it. It kills me when the non custodial parent complains about how much money is spent on raising children; its expensive, and what exactly would happen if you were with the mother? Would there still be a complaint if you guys were together?
Twitter @ RobinsPeace
It strange now as I look back at the last 9 years of no child support from my two boys from their father and wonder how we have managed so well. They are now 13 and 15. He is now finally dis-barred from practicing law because of not paying child support and has chosen to not to work over having to pay me the little of financial support the court ordered for me with a 50-50 joint custody.
It has been stressful, crazy making…I could relate to the dog food story, but never went there. Somehow I was always reminded to take the high road. I payed all the bills,health insurance,sports, school supplies, food, backpacks..name it I payed it.I am no saint, and not a trust fund mother I just somehow early on in our divorce knew how difficult my divorce was going to be from a lawyer and one of the variables I could control to ease the stress was just taking care of the kids.
In hindsight I knew how violent the boys father could be so my first issue of concern was always their safety first and then food and clothing next. The boys were 4 and 6 when the divorce started and from the beginning the father was not willing to pay for a pair of shoes, let alone years later when we skip ahead to Orthodonture for both of them. It was simply easier to think he was out of the financial equation and stay grounded, not make a fuss and buy what needed to be purchased. Needless to say it is a huge strain but I have been doing it for some time now. Here is the twist to the story and the reason I am writing because both boys 2 years ago left their father on their own to live with me full time. Now I had my “boys home” and the added expense of 24/7 care. While I was always maintaining some integrity in one of the ugliest divorce cases in San Bernardino my boys knew they could always depend on me for food, clothes, keeping them in sports, doctors visits, and the dog and the cat did get fed. Supplying the father with clothes and food is enabling but in my case the extreme refusal to purchase anything for the boys by the father was concrete.
I tried sending them back to his place with what they were originally wearing when I picked them up from school but they were in a mess every time. I do mean a real mess, the school would call me to bring fresh clothes for the boys to change into during his weeks and remind me they had no food or lunch card. Finally I kept an extra pair of clothes with the nurse and bought both boys lunch cards. I also left a case of protein bars in the classroom if they needed snacks during their breaks.
It is incredibly painful to think that a father could be so disheartening about his own 2 sons but the sooner I took control of this situation the smoother the boys lives became. Someone also mentioned to me that my boys will watch how I handle stress and repeat that behavior when they encounter their own stress. This little tidbit went a long way for me. The most difficult part is putting logic to an emotional issue;children do cost money to raise and the irony is the boys fathers earns 3 times more in one month than what I make in a year so why quit your job?, get disbarred?,and not help at all? I still see the father in the court room because we are still in trial and wonder but never ask. I tried unsuccessfully from the start to share the expenses but the pain and anguish the children were going through was too much.
For anyone hanging on looking for some extra help from the the other parent who does not want to contribute knows this puts the most burden on the children who can not understand the balance of separate homes, separate incomes. Life is supposed to be fair but often more times than not it is not going to work out the way one expected. For anyone doing this alone just keep putting one foot in front of the other, breathe, take the high road and hope your children know what you are doing for them. In my case they do and are turning out to be fine young men.
It is an honor watching them grow up with integrity and ethics.
When a child is at her father’s house he is responsible for the essential things. He is responsible for half of the care of the children. That includes replacing something that was lost or broken at his home. Sounds like he’s being very petty at the expense of the child, that’s unfair to the child.
Jessica: Thanks for chiming in. Petty and short sighted – we agree!
Twitter @ lives4books
Same boat here- the ex doesn’t even have his own residence, when he takes his visits, he takes the kids to his family, or friends’ homes or campsites etc. and they crash on sofas or floors with whoever will take them in. I have to pack everything- and then he bitches about what I send! (The quality or quantity of clothing they arrive with isn’t good enough, the kids’ shoes are worn out, I failed to anticipate they would need swimsuits and sunblock so he “couldn’t” take them swimming, etc…and this when he is six months behind in his VERY minimal support.) I tried the “don’t send them with anything” approach- he simply got back in his car at drop off and refused to take them. And then when I did start sending things again, so the kids could actually see their dad, he and his family began keeping half the kids’ clothes I packed so as to have a “backup” stockpile- which due to his infrequent visitation, the kids promptly outgrew. The clothes the in laws kept were then passed down to my ex’s neices and nephews as hand me downs and not returned to me. (This still tends to happen when I send anything cute- it gets “lost”. Anything the kids are given as a gift for birthdays or holidays is not allowed to be brought home, either.) This past weekend he had the kids (1st time in 6 months) and signed my daughter up to run a 5k, and sent her home demanding I buy her new shoes to train in. It’s insane. I wish I had better advice, I just stopped expecting I could control anything about his behavior. I provided him with a carseat from a yardsale and I only send stuff my kids can afford not to bring home- their oldest clothes, ONE pair of shoes so he can’t keep anything, and toiletries from the dollar store. I send exactly enough doses of medicine and not a single extra. It’s galling but one day I hope my kids will see it for what it is- that Dad can afford to go to bars and concerts and trips but not provide them with underwear or an extra pair of shorts. In the meanwhile I just grit my teeth and repeat “This too shall pass”.
Twitter @ ncabennett
I used to provide my ex with clothes when he would take our children, knowing how quickly they out grew them I didn’t think he should have to buy them clothes that they’d only get to wear four or five times. He would always send their clothes home stained or with holes and didn’t think he should have to replace the damaged clothes when I asked him too, using the fact that he paid CS and therefore he already did that. In our state, the support he pays is to help offset the cost of raising the kids when they are in my care, the custodial parent, and that the non-custodial parent is responsible for everything when they are in his care. I talked to my lawyer first, we were still going through our divorce, and told him that I would no longer send clothes with the kids when he picked them up and gave him a list of their sizes and the specific types of things they liked, so he could purchase clothes to keep at his house. He threw a fit and threatened to take the kids from me because of it, however I calmly told him to contact his own lawyer if he had any questions. I never heard another word about it and he has been providing clothes for our children while they’re at his house for the last 5 years. I do know that his new wife refuses to let any of their clothes come back to our house, even though I know they’d go back to him in the same condition the came here, but that’s a completely different story!
@Nicole: Here’s to staying calm during all that stress. Bravo, that’s BIG in our world.
Clothes and a bathing suit? Perhaps. I wouldn’t pack anything that you wouldn’t be ok with getting back (or not getting back) in less than acceptable condition. If your child were still in bottles and diapers, maybe a couple, but I feel both parents should have their owns supplies of those regardless of C/S or not. Maybe allow your daughter to pack a a couple favorite books and a favorite toy. But things like her “personal DVD player”? Absolutely not. If Dad wants the convenience of such amenities he can purchase his own for her time with him. He needs to have some supplies of his own–he’s a parent, not a sitter.
E´s last blog ..Supervising Visits = Very Painful
E: Good thoughts! Thanks for joining the conversation.
I have dealt with this for 16yrs… I raised my son for the 1st 7yrs of his life, even though his mother was in and out of his life for those years. it seemed she just wanted him around as a show piece at her family events simply just to return him to me when she was done. As he got older she threatened to take him away and I would never see him again so I signed a petition in court that she couldnt take him out of the state. Unfortunately I had a just got hired for a great job in a different state and that affected me as well about removing him from state to state, so after trying to fight it i ended up giving his mother 50% custody, i saw my son as often as I could as well as giving his grandparents partial custody , while away she took him from them so i quit my job and moved back just to spend thousands in the courts, and finally getting 50-50 split where there is no custodial or non custodial parent just residential and non residential..
My son told the courts of abuse by his mother and pleaded to live with me but to no avail just a 50-50 even split. awarding her not only support but rearrange even though i raised him for 7yrs not asking for a dime. just last year I was informed she diverted a percentage of her support payments to pay lawyer fees, which is in my opinion totally wrong. she has repeatedly pulled him from schools to put him in another without asking me. also telling my son the money she reeives is for anything she wants to use it for, I supply him everything, clothes, school supplies, cash everything, She tells him always ask your dad, I have no more faith in the court system, Ive spent thousands fighting for my son and have paid her more than 40k since 2007. She has since over the years been married more than twice and has children from both her spouses. and yes shes reaping the rewards of child support from them as well making a comfortable life for herself.. I carry full coverage insurance as well on my son and recently he was hurt at school, she called me and demanded i take him even though she does not work i rushed from my job to take him, and after the fact she told me she had state health care on him.. isnt that stealing??? that means she receiving state assistance, she lives in a big 4br 10yr old home she recieied from her ex, she has 4 horses, 3 cars and dont work… whats wrong with the system???? I just dont get it… I truly cannot stand dead beat dads.. but there needs to be some sort of guidelines, inspectors etc to make sure the children are being taken care of mentally and physically. Im not asking someone to find rite and wrong. just a system that’s there for the children, instead of someone with no feelings what so-ever sitting behind a computer agreeing with you without ever making eye contact… it seems the system doesnt work for those who truly care weather its the mother of father… things need to change… for everyone, the ones who dont receive cs payments, And the ones who abuse the system..
Randy: We appreciate hearing from dad’s about child support. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Twitter @ muminawe
touchy subject hey?
My partner pays monthly amount, and covers school clothes, extras, sport stuff, games, toys and parties and entertainment on top of the monthly. She pays for nothing but food. He bought her the house free and clear too.
So there are some really good guys out there. My ex pays NOTHING. So there are really bad guys too……
Ok I read through most of these and sit shaking my head for the most part. So from a grandparent’s point of view. I have a son, that is now a father. The mother to my grandson has been vindictive and horrid since the day she figured out he would not marry her. We are now $9000.00 in attorney fees fighting to stay in his life. She has not ever had to show she was a good parent. The courts would not allow my son to pay support straight to her, and were not ready to rule on child support. Then her and her attorney re-filed, got a new judge and now my son is in arrears since prior to the last court date. Oh and in the mean time he has supplied all his son’s items during his visits, and has continually tried to supply anything needed to his mother, who refused every time and then whines she has no help. The short is I take serious issue to the lack of fathers rights in pretty much all states. Mothers need to wake up and realize that child is just as much the other parents child as yours and get a grip. Why a mother has full rights because she gave birth is a bit hard for me to fathom, and yes I have been a parent who raised their child with another parent sharing time ect. Thank god we never behaved as most do! I would be ashamed of myself. I am a bit confused by most people on here who think dad or mom I guess pays child support and then still provides all the clothes ect for their visits as well?? Come on.. So is what you are saying is the non custodial parent gets to pay the custodial parent enough to 100% provide the “needs” for the child and then supply all needed while in their care as well?? So I am a bit confused by what the custodial parent is contributing. Child support is insane and unjust the way it is now. None of you can honestly say that most child support amounts are half of what it “really” costs to provide the basic needs for that child??? Come on you know you cant. My son pays 275.00 for an infant.. LOL really??? I would love to see receipts that she is coming close to spending that on his son. But she can make her car pmt now.. LOL oh and no my son gave up his car to pay support easier as his couldnt make his rent. He still buys all the diapers, baby food ect. for visits. So basically he double supports his son and she contributes 0 to support him. So I am sorry but I disagree with all you saying the non custodial parent does both. The custodial parent needs to be providing half the expenses for their child and child support needs to be reasonable. I think the law needs to change and there be a flat rate for age ranges that it takes to provide their basic needs, then each parent is responsible for half. Income should not matter. If you make millions thats great, it does not cost more to provide the basic needs for the child. Everything else is a luxury and choice and should not play into child support amounts. I bet if a few more moms (mostly) got socked with some of the ridiculous support amts that dad’s do and then got to provide everything on top of that, they would sing a different song. Sorry I am sure most on here will disagree, but wear the other shoe and put your children first and you might not. I understand how dads get labeled “dead beat” now and end up out of childs life. Just deal with the legal system and a mom who does not put the child first and you will all find out.
my wife went 1000 miles away on vaction, never came back with the kids and filed a false allegation ex parte custody and did not serve me, even though I am a physician and have address. she has custody now becasue by the time i dissproved her allegation the kids were in school. i can barely see them because of my work. my travel expense is almost 1/2 as much as the child support
because i live in a remote place. I have to find other physicians to cover and that cost alone exceeds what I am paid and also the child support….so i do not see the children except summer and xmas. the move away is also causing the short sale of our 2nd nearby home. the transportation costs and short sale cost becasue she has the freedom to move exceeds private college education. she still does not work and lives on the hefty child support alone.
i wish she would work.
I am essentially out of the childrens life, except summer time, when i work overtime because i live in a summer resort community. i cannot relocate and rebuild my practice. the child support is about $3,000 per month tax free.
my ex keepd asking for more money. I would give her more, if she would also work at least part time. i have an extra obligation with travel cost.
Child support is absolutely NOT expected to cover cost while the child is visiting with the non-custodial parent. As was mentioned here in a previous response the court gives a monetary credit to the non-custodial parent specifically for the expenses that they incur while they have the child. In other words, you are not getting child support for the days that your child is with their father so you should not be providing anything. I learned from some bad experiences with expensive items not coming back home and I provided nothing with my son when he went to visit his Dad. I sent him in decent clothing but nothing new or expensive and that was all that went with him for his visits….the clothes on his back. The court expects the father to be providing for his child while the child is visiting.
Hi,
I have 2 different outlooks on this. I am 51 years old. I went thru a divorce when I was 30. I had 3 children ages 11,9.and 7. At first their dad was giving me $500.00 court ordered which did not put a dent into what they needed. I tried to talk to him. He said take me to court. I obliged him. The judge court order 1200.00 a month. Also to be paid retroactive. I agreed to 850.00 and said it did not need to be paid retro. If my kids had something big such as a birthday party or they were starting back to school. The dad would send a little extra. It worked out just fine.
I am now dating a man who has two boys and he is paying 850.00 a month child support. The boys mother will not work and refuses to work. Claims she can not find a job. So she is constantly asking for money for food to feed the boys, money for their school projects, money for shampoo dental floss, basically evey personal item these kids need. He continues to send it.
I get very frustrated because he is sending support. Then supporting them on top of that. Does not have money for our household. I understand taking care of your children. I took care of mine. But it is up to both parents. It is not fair to make one totally responsible. If that is the case he should have custody.
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk…. I don’t know what is wrong w/ you ladies/mothers! IF the absent parent IS current in child support payments, then yes- EVERYTHING (except what is identified in the court order)is to be for the beneifit of the child/children. I am amazed at how many moms place blame on their exes for every, little, thing!
Child support is just that- CHILD support; meaning EVERY penny is intended towards the children. Not to pay to get our nails done, not to buy our new shoes, or go on vacations. PLUS- most divorce decrees state something to the effect that the child’s need will be shared by both parents.
Ladies- do you match the amount of support your children receive? If not, then you should because you are 50% your child’s parent (regardless of how much you hate your ex).
I know I don’t; but I don’t make excuses for it. I do utilize every penny of their support for them. To do anything less is a failure to manage your children’s finances according to what the court ORDERS us to do!
If the “children are our primary concern”, then why do so many mothers spend their children’s money? It is called “stealing” no matter how you try to justify it; unless the court order allows you to utilise their support for your own purposes.
I think a lot of children from divorce would benefit if mom’s weren’t so greedy so as to take their money from them.
I am only receiving $400 a month in child support, although I make almost half what my ex currently does. I am not divorced. However, when the temporary orders where written, he had taken a job that paid significantly less than what he was making six months prior to my filing for divorce. Since then, I moved (near my parents) and had to take a significant cut in pay because I am a teacher and am now in a rural district. He took a government job shortly after the orders. He insisted on moving into our house, but refuses to pay one of the mortgages, which has resulted in me paying almost $300 a month so I do not get stuck with a huge tax bill. When I told him that I was no longer going to send clothes, he threw a fit. He said that child-support was supposed to pay for that. Considering that I have not had a paycheck since the end of July, I have used the child support to purchase food, shoes, school supplies, et cetera, for the children. My issue is that he either ruins the clothes when he washes them, doesn’t return all of them, or returns them dirty and then I have to rush around on Sunday evening trying to wash and put away everything from the weekend. I have tried to be accomodating, but he has repeatedly abused this when it suits him. He threatens alienation if I even remotely have an issue with the inappropriate movies he takes the kids to see, or his drinking around the kids (parenting plan says he cannot drink around them), or his road rage with the kids in the vehicle, or their exposure to pornography because he has it bookmarked right next to their games, or his leaving them (7 and 10) alone at an amusement park while he and his girlfriend go ride rides, or his refusal to put our daughter in a booster seat when he transports her, or his requiring our daughter to share a bedroom with him… and the list goes on and on. My ex-lawyer said that I should basically “shut up” about all these issues because I got 70% of the custody and was allowed to move the kids three hours away from him. My children tell me all the time how much they HATE going to their father’s house and just don’t understand why they cannot divorce their dad too. I feel I have NO recourse to protect my children, so not sending clothes is the only way I feel I can get back at him for the hell he put the kids and me through during the years he was emotionally and physically abusing me and for the years of emotionally abusing the children.
I think if the non custodial parent is paying like 1100 a month in child support that is a gread deal of money that can cover basically most of the childs needs especially if the custodial parent doesnt pay child care. if the non custodial parent is paying child support it goes off what they make so they cant really afford to much more than that i mean come on so he should pay child support of 1100 a month and buy the kids some clothes to keep at his house lol thats a joke thats what the 1100 a month is for if you need more than that your just money hungry and living beyond your means. I know some single mothers who dont even get child support and never has and made it just fine without even and extra 50 bucks a month so that tells me they dont need that much to live off of its crazy. Yeah the mother gets food stamps but thats not child support what about clothes for the kid, school supplies, and medicine??? So if someone is making 7.50hr and pays 200 a month in child support and joe blow works for the oilfield and pays 1000 a month thats fair so the kids whose parent makes 7.50 an hr is worthless and the kids parent that pays 1000 a month in child support are so much better and need that money not fair
I would just like to come at this from the kids perspective. I am a sixteen y/o living with my mom. My mom and my dad have been divorced for eight years now. The divorce decree says that my dad is supposed to take my Tuesdays and Thursdays (after school until 9pm) and then every other weekend from Friday-Sunday night. He did this for the first year. The second and third year, he still saw me on a monthly basis. After the fourth, he saw me about three times a year. The last time I saw my dad was over six months ago. He doesn’t even keep in contact with me, and he lives 45 minutes away. He has always payed child support (the court orders that it comes out of his paycheck automatically every week). That is all he does. He never provided me with school supplies, shoes, clothing, etc. The only times he bought me things were for Christmas or my Birthday.
I have lived with my mom since I was born. She has provided the best she could for me with what she is given. However, she often spends the child support money on things that meet her needs when she doesn’t have enough money to afford them. Example: Cigarettes, cell phone expenses, etc. This is unfair to me, because whenever I need new clothes, I often hear “I spent the rest of it on cigarettes this month” or something similar.
As a kid, and now a teenager, all we see is parents not wanting to provide for us. We feel neglected, and even begin to apologize for it. When my dad says he didn’t have enough for gas because he has to pay child support, I apologize. When my mom complains about not being able to make ends meet due to the added expenses of my father not helping with other things, I apologize. It weighs heavy on us kids, and it isn’t fair. I wish that parents could just see that all this talk of “Money, money, money, money…” only makes us feel like a huge burden. So please, all you parents who don’t want to pay or are too focused on forcing them to pay… Just remember that your children are overhearing you and watching the things you do. Just be involved with them, and try to focus on meeting their needs together rather than focus on who owes what.
My ex pays my son 16pds per month as he on low wages and has 2 other small kids. I buy all clothes and everythin but he does buy toys christmas and birthdays. I think he should go half for christmas clothes but he dissagrees,what u guys think??
where do I start ? My son and my grandsons mother were never married. My son pays 404.00 a month for one child and 160 a month for insurance on the boy. The mother lived (expense free) with her mother until about a year ago when she moved in with her dad (in another town)for about 6 months. She then uprooted the boy again to live with a guy she was dating. While living there my grandson stated he was NEVER allowed to go downstairs, he had to stay upstairs in his room. I asked his mother about this and she stated that the boyfriend smoked pot downstairs and she didnt want my grandson around it. Hello it was in the same house as him !!!! I have been raising my grandson consistantly since may 15th of 2012. His mother is drawing foodstamps and child support but not contributing a dime to support the boy. She just got a 2 bedroom apt with a friend of hers (my grandson wouldnt have a bedroom if he did live there). I let her stay here for 1 week (between homes) and she went to mcdonalds daily (for herself only) and all I kept thinking is….my son works 40 + hours a week and then goes dumpster diving on his time off just to make ends meet and this girl who MIGHT work 15 to 20 hours a week is eating out ?BTW this girl has just started working about 3 weeks ago, she is 30 years old and has possibly worked 3 months of her life yet she always had cigarettes, toiletries,nice clothes and shoes a laptop and a cell phone,and anything else she ever needed.While my son was paying child support the mothers mom was claiming my grandson on her taxes.I asked the other grandma if there was a reason my son couldnt claim the boy on his taxes since he was his sole provider and she wouldnt answer me. For that matter he should be able to claim the mother, He is her provider as well.My son also has everything for the boy at his house ei clothes shoes toys toiletries etc. and the other grandma told me once that the mother didnt like to send his good clothes to his dads. I couldnt believe my ears, I said “you DO know that his dad BUYS those good clothes, right?” I have asked her repeatedly to help buy her sons groceries (hes 7 years old and growing like a weed so he eats ALL of the time !!) She FINALLY bought him about 50 dollars worth of food (she gets 121 a month for him) and when she moved into her fancy new apartment she took half of them with her stating that she didnt have any food. She was kicked out of the foodstamp program for herself and can only get them for her son so shouldnt they be spent on him ? The straw that broke the camels back was, the night she moved from here to the apartment (that she had told her son about, that it had a pool and a game room)my grandson asked if he could go see the apartment and she told him no. But the worst part was when she left she didnt even say good bye to the boy. He acted out a little after she left but I would have acted out too so I didnt punish the boy. She is supposed to get him every monday and tuesday but so far has only gotten him one or the other of those days and she told me yesterday that she wasnt going to get him this week at all. I am fed completely up with this girl. She did tell me that she would try to give me HALF of his child support since hes lives here with me. I told her that I needed to claim him for foodstamps to feed him and she said “thats what the child support is for”. So boiled down it is just this: My son is paying her 404 a month and 160 a month to insure him and the state is giving her 121 a month for food for him and she has offered to give me 200 of the 565 my son gives her plus 121 foodstamps totaling 686 minus the 200 she has OFFERED me for a total of 200 for the boy and 486 for her ? In short my son is paying her to let me raise their son hmmmm?
Non custodials don’t see the big picture, the custodial patents have to miss work and pay when the child is sick and can’t go to school or child care or if they have a doctor or dentist appointment. No that doesn’t happen often but it does happen. Also, in a situation like mine, I spend half my child support on gas driving to meet my ex for visitations.
I have 60% custody of our two sons and I also pay $1000.00/month in child and spousal support to their father. Yet he refuses to buy them anything (clothes, shoes) or take care of their personal needs (haircuts, hygiene items, dentist, doctor). Most of my time with the boys is spent taking care of their needs and then its playtime at dads! He feels its my responsibility as their mother but when I take care of it he complains and refuses to pay for half of anything. How can I work with him to best meet the needs of our children without going broke?
My son lives with me and I am a single mom ofcourse, I finally got child support for him. My childs father has a great job where he is making 18-21 dollars an hour and I make way less than that. Now mind you I pay all bills, including rent, car notes, electric,medical insurance,school stuff, lunches, day care, water,shoes, clothes, phone bill and no telling what else. My childs father lives at his parents home that is already paid for.His car is already paid for, all he pays is his phone bill and gas for his car. And he got the child support re-arranged to less than half, because he didn’t think it was fair that he pays. Just wondering how the non-custodial parent can re-arrange the child support payments?