Do you need a Daddy Book?
When we’ve talked about absent (by choice) parents you’ve let us know the confusion and pain this choice creates for the abandoned kids — and for you. We’ve also huddled together about answering the “where’s my daddy” questions that inevitably pop up when kids start preschool. And we’ve vented about “no-show” co-parents. Not only does this sudden reneging scuttle your personal plans, but it also creates kid emotional havoc.
Not too long ago, we had the great pleasure of sitting down with Single Mama NYC — who’s raising an adorable preschool son. Since we each have “other parent” issues, the topic of helping our kids cope was on the front burner that afternoon.
Specifically, Single Mama NYC candidly talked about handling a scheduled parenting time that doesn’t always happen. As the scheduled time approaches, she get anxious that her son’s father won’t show up. And her anxiety can sometimes rub off on her son. Moreover, if Dad doesn’t show, of course, her son is disappointed and out of sorts.
So, Dr. Leah quickly suggested: “A Daddy Book.”
A Daddy Book is simply an oversize drawing tablet that’s kept out of children’s reach until you’re facing a “no show” — or another absent parent crisis. You can pull the book out, and give your your child the opportunity to draw whatever he or she chooses. You can also honor your child’s thoughts and feelings by writing them down word for word in the book.
This book is a great release for both of you, and it brings you both back to a calmer place — and to each other. When kids get older, this Daddy Book can also evolve into a private journal containing whatever your child wants to share at that moment with the absent or inconsistent other parent.
Single Mama NYC LOVED the idea! Of course, you’re the *REAL* experts. (And NOT every idea works well for every child …)
So, we’re interested to know:
Do you feel a Daddy (or Mommy) Book might soothe your kids when “other parent” issues arise?
How do you help your kids cope when the “other parent” disappoints or ignores them?
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Twitter @ heathergw
I love this idea! I have a drawing diary for my daughter. It’s for her to draw her day, her thoughts, her dreams, etc. She did it consistently for a few days to a week and then it slowed down, picked up again, and slowed down. It’s her diary, so I don’t push her to do it every day.
This is an amazing idea! I think I might give this a whirl for when she comes home spazzed and frazzled. Thank you!
Twitter @ cranky_pants79
What a good idea! My son has been asking this question a lot lately (where’s my dad?) and i’ve been able to skirt around it for some time, but I finally told him the truth (gently of course) and I think this will be a great way for my son to express his feelings about his “father”s by choice absence. Thanks!
Twitter @ richsinglemomma
I love this idea. I might have used it when my daughter was younger. Fortunately, I’ve had very few problems with no-show dad fallout. I didn’t tell her that he was coming so she didn’t get her hopes up. When he did come I treated it as a wonderful surprise.
I’ve had one or two occasions when he didn’t show and she knew he was supposed to come. This had a serious impact on her life and I had to do a lot of explaining and repairing the damage. I explained that he made a choice that did not reflect on her value as a person.
Younger children may have problems understanding this concept (so the book is a great option) but older children can.
Twitter @ StacyMFT
The Daddy Book seems like a great way to express a child’s feelings of sadness and disappointment. Depending on the child, it can be a great tool of containment for strong emotions and may aid with the healthy development of emotion regulation.
In addition to the use of the Daddy Book, I encourage parents to often engage in an open dialogue with their children regarding the child’s feelings about the absence of the other parent. Being readily available to discuss these emotions with your child will have a positive effect your parent/ child relationship as well as strengthen your bond.
I think its a great idea my daughter is 16 and her father has been absent since shehwas 6 weeks old. She still asks me why he doesn’t contact or care about her. I think something like this book would have helped her a lot. I tell her I am lucky cause I didn’t have to share her and he’s the one that missed out not her.
Thank you for this reminder!! I have yet to start this with my little guy because I wasn’t ready for it, quite frankly. I think I am now, though. Such a great tool; thank you again, Dr. Leah.