Are you keeping *big* secrets from your kids?
We’ve had many honest — and painful — conversations here about the worry, disappointment, and frustration many of you have experienced with your absent ex. When some of you told us you were relieved that your ex was gone — for good — we understood exactly how you felt.
No matter what your co-parenting (or not) status, kids do ask questions about the absent “other parent.” We’re on the record that bad-mouthing the “other parent“ is not the ideal parenting choice. As solo moms, we’ve both struggled to put the “best spin” on our kids’ bio-dads.
Luckily, our efforts take a fairly easy and predictable course: we emphasize our ex’s positive qualities. And we try hard NOT to share our adult feelings about the men whose choice to abandon their kids shapes every minute of our lives.
Frankly, we’re asking ourselves if we’ve overlooked a BIGGER “other parent” issue. Just going by the statistics, a significant number of you likely grapple with telling (or not) your kids about the “other parent’s” alcoholism, substance abuse, criminal past, and/or serious psychiatric problems.
We wonder how you’ve decided to deal with such information with your kids.
So, we’d like to open up this conversation:
Is there information about the “other parent” you’ve deliberately NOT shared with your kids?
If so, what type of information have you withheld?
Do you ever plan to share this information with your kids? If so, when?
(Anonynous comments are welcome.)
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Phot via Flickr: shelnutta
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Twitter @ http://ourlifeinlawton.blogspot.com/
Kept the fact that my ex had a child with another woman from my kids for about five years. They know now, but he has never had contact with the child and I don’t know if my kids will ever want to have contact with him either, but it is up to them. Their dad lives with another woman he cheated on me with and they are engaged to be married….wonder how long before he does the same to her?
Twitter @ beckyatkins87
My exhusband had verbally and phsically abused me. I lost my first child at 5 months because of it. My son is starting to ask questions. His dad and I agreed that no matter what happened in the past or in the future that we would “candy coat” things. Ex.”mommy and daddy did not get along” He had to do a lot of counseling, parenting classes and anger management classes before he could even see my son supervised (Court ordered) We will tell my son some of the things when he is a lot older. My parents told me EVERYTHING when I was 6 years old and i hated my parents because of it. I think it is important for the child to stay innocent. They dont need to know our mistakes until they are a lot older and can comprehend it better.
Twitter @ anhuffx3
.He has done some pretty bad things,and will be very hard to explain to them once they get older. I just pray for the strength to say and do the right things for them, so they feel my love is enough.
i am a single parent of 3, twins that are 3 and a 2 year old. Their father is incarcerated for 25 years, and has no contact with the children. We do not discuss him, thankfully they do not remember him (from my knowledge). I do want them to know the truth, but only when they are old enough to understand. Until then, I will just tell him he is not here. They have recently asked me where their “daddy” is, and also my niece told them they didn’t have one
Twitter @ http://myrenewedleaseonlife.blogspot.com/2011/07/intro-to-me.html
Sadly, my kids witnessed my ex verbally and physically abuse me and they know that it was “Daddy’s Beer” that made him mean. My son’s father walked out of his life when he was 2 so my 2nd husband wad the only “dad” he knew. He has asked in the past about why his bio-dad isn’t involved in his life and I’ve always tried to be vauge so I won’t hurt his feelings. He’s now 9 and came to me the other day, just before his Baptism, and said “Mom, I’m okay with him not wanting to be part of my life.” I looked at him, puzzled by his statement and he hugged me and told me that “I have the best Mom-Dad in the world! I still get to do everything the other boys do and you know more about ‘guy stuff’ than most of their dad’s do!” I really had to hold back the tears on that one! I know that as he gets older and as his sister grows up there will be more and more questions but I’m findng that answering questions honestly as they arise has worked out best. I can honestly tell my kids “I don’t know why …. ” their dad’s chose to do this or that and I can honestly tell them and show them how much I love them and support them.
Michelle´s last blog ..Homesick
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
@beckyatkins87: Good for you for staying “above the board.” For the time being, it’s the right thing to do… UNLESS you believe that your child(ren) or anyone in your Ex’s household are in danger of abuse. If so, please make sure you protect your child(ren). Glad he got counseling and I hope he no longer has abusive tendencies.
Twitter @ JustMegD
I am going to try to not have to share the worst parts with them. No one needs to know that stuff. If they show signs of addiction problems or anything like that I will have to, but I will try like hell to teach them better to begin with.
We can only teach and hope they listen.
Megan DaGata´s last blog .."It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."
Twitter @ BGeorgie
I would have preferred not to tell the kids about my ex’s alcoholism…but he decided to tell them. Our kids are young. They didn’t need to know and have a hard enough time understanding why we split let alone such an adult concept. It’s frustrating having him constantly having adult conversations with the kids…and leave me holding the ball to deal with explanations and helping them through their emotions. The only good thing is that my kids are very open and comfortable talking with me. Keeping the lines of communication open and supporting them emotionally and developmentally is what I strive to do. I fully expect to have to deal with him talking to them about our relationship, his drug use, and other topics as time goes on – I can only hope he waits until they’re older to do that.
Twitter @ http://scribblingsofasoccermom.com
Wow this is really tough. I don’t have the same big secrets about The Ex…except about the cheating. I believe my daughter has already put it together but I don’t think the son has yet. Neither has asked me about it. I will certainly tell them when they’re ready…and if they ask! However, my son did ask a funny question the other night about how The Ex knew was pot smelled like…I totally covered his ass on it
Soccer Mom´s last blog ..Family Time
BGeorgie: Over sharing with kids — telling them things they are far too young to understand — is what addicts of all types do. Of course, this leaves the functioning parent with confused kids and much explaining –too soon –to do. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Please visit again soon.
Megan DeGata: Well said! No doubt, you are teaching your kids better.
Twitter @ muminawe
My ex recently told my kids it’s their responsibility to contact him and keep their relationship going, not his any more because he’s ‘old’. He sees them once every 6 month and lives an hour away. No phone calls, emails, Skype or letters ever get used to contact them. My son was totally disparaging of his Dad after this comment, and now doesn’t want anything to do with his Dad. My daughter is just sad because ‘its his excuse not to bother Mom” is what she said. I just feel sad for them. Old age is no excuse for abandoning your kids!