Is singlemommyhood potentially forever?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Choice Moms, Featured
A single woman with a snazzy job title contacted us recently via Twitter. She described her longing for a child — and a string of failed romances.
So, she’s seriously considering donor insemination (DI). Happily, her mother is on her side. And her extended family is ready to help in case life throws her an unexpected curve or some dire emergency arises.
She has carefully budgeted for the expected financial costs. She’s intensely researching donor insemination. And she seems close to choosing that path to “singlemommyhood.”
So far, things seem okay. Right?
Here’s what’s troubling this prospective single mom:
Friends are cautioning her of the “relationship costs” of DI singlemommyhood.
Her girlfriends warn that DI single motherhood is a relationship “deal breaker” for most men. One friend even said: “What you’re doing is more than a bit freaky.” *Ouch*
Another friend put it this bluntly: “Men will immediately flee when they find out she’s a DI single mom.”
(Sounds like her friends feel a bit threatened at the prospect of one less member commiserating about a loudly ticking “ovarian clock.” Do you agree?)
We’re on the record that single motherhood is NOT a relationship deal breaker. Juggling multiple commitments and meeting our parenting responsibilities are relationship challenges all single moms (and dads!) face. Of course, many single moms (and dads!) enjoy satisfying romantic relationships. And may eventually take delight in parenting with a committed partner.
From our perspective, there are lots of advantages to DI single mom status: Resourceful, independent, and energetic women fascinate and intrigue men. And they’ll be far less tempted to get involved with a “fix-up”project. The lack of an “ex factor” is also a potential plus. DI moms do not have to consult with anyone when making a parenting or any other life decision.
Are we underestimating the potential “relationship costs” this prospective DI mom might face?
So, we’re not sure how to answer this prospective DI single mom’s question.
Lots of you know far more than we do about this issue.
So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:
Could this single woman’s choice mean singlemommyhood for her forever?
Do DI single moms endure greater relationship costs than other single moms?
Or does the unique status of a DI single mom boost her love life?
(Photo via Flickr: KevinDooley)
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Though I think that is true that many men will run ten miles away, there are many men that will happily enter into a serious relationship with a single mom. My situation is a little different on that I am a single mom by divorce but is similar on that my daughter’s father doesn’t want any involvement. I’ve heard many men saying that they would never date a single mother but I do know many single mothers who eventually got married and are now happily married; and my own self, I ended up in a relationship with a great guy: he has never been married, he doesn’t have any children (I think that is why I like Rachel’s blog so much) and he loves being part of our little family. He has never had an issue with me being a single mother, in fact, he sees it as a plus, and he loves the fact that my ex is not involved and he is the first one to ask me to bring my daughter with us. I also think this has to do a lot with what the single mother herself thinks and her attitude. I think that our own thinking and attitude has a lot to do with what happens in our life. If a woman has a negative attitude towards men and relationship she is constantly going to find the kind of men that will run away, but if she has the right attitude with men, is open to a relationship and is confident that she will find someone, I’m sure she will.
Twitter @ purplemoom77
I don’t concern myself about whether or not I’ll always be a single parent. I simply do the best I can to take good care of my son on my own.
Twitter @ assets2fine
the hardest part of it is just flexibility- ur not as available as you’d like to be ordinarily without a child- however ive had some guys who are willing to work around mine and my daughter’s schedule to make dates happen so this makes me believe that the right people will do whatever it takes to make it work if they really want to date you child or not. if they cant deal with it- they have no business in my life because i am a package deal, that includes friendships too- real friends understand that life has changed and will honor that, as it is isnt the conventional way of raising a family
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Solo parenting is hard, hard, hard (and I don’t have to tell you that). And this potential choice mom should think beyond the “baby stage” if at all possible, since those of us well along the parenting path know that’s the easy part.
A network to help – not only family but friends and a career that has flexibility – those are the things that will make or break the experience.
As for the rest? Life comes with no guarantees for any of us. If she never has a child, she may not meet someone she wishes to spend a chunk of her life with. As she grows older, her taste in potential partners will grow and evolve with her – whether she has a child or not.
I think this is such a personal choice, a feel-it-in-your-gut choice, but one in which she needs to think about the child and the family and friends she can provide as extended family. There’s no reason to preclude anything or anyone in that picture; none of us can read the future.
My hope would be that she talk to other choice moms – not only those with babies but those with 4 year olds or 8 year olds or 14 year olds, and weigh the pleasures and problems which, I suspect, may not be so different from the scenarios that divorced solo moms find themselves in.
But relationship deal breakers? Who’s to say so?
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Ask the Experts
I’m going to toss my gay two cents in here. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but my circumstances hasn’t lined up with my desires. I saw queer SMCs as a great way to get that instant family with me slipping right into the drivers seat as the other mother and not mom’s girlfriend.No ex-girlfriend to contend with for visitation or undermining my authority not to mention parenting style. Yes, I do have my own ideas on the subject.
However, each of the 2 times I attempted to date the one’s who said they wanted a partner their actions where like a shield to block my advances.I heard speeches about how they HAD to spend quality time with their kid as if the smiggen I was asking for was going to suck up all of it. It was never my intention to take away but to add to their life.Not to mention the long days of silence in between contact as if others where in the picture.
Don’t get me wrong I by no means want to make another disappearing presence in a child’s life and for that reason I think we should spend time alone a while before the child is introduced.But SMCs have to invest something real or nothing will come of all the talk or is it just talk? This last one I approached as just a friend not ruling out something more if that’s where the universe took us, but her enthusiasm quickly waned before we went on the first date because she met someone else.I’ve discovered that this person has a pattern of dating the same type of person who doesn’t fit that life partner mole. The stakes are higher and “I” have a lot to more to lose if I fall in love with the kid and things go south, so I would appreciate it if they would handle us suitors more respectfully.It’s not all about you moms and your role.
There is a reason we all are single and it bears looking into with a professional and not blame the kids as the reason you haven’t found a long term relationship.
Maggie: Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. You’ve given us all lots to mull over. Please visit us again soon.
There are many guys out there who will be attracted with single moms. As stated there traits that singlemoms have that a lot of men find appealing. They will ask the reason why she made the decision and their impression may depend on the reason. I think that DI single moms have the same possibility of attracting men with the rest of the women.
Richard´s last blog ..How to Get a Date
Richard: Thanks for chiming in. Of course, we agree: single moms rock!
Twitter @ Barblicious
During my recent online dating (waste of time!) adventure… when I was honest about my situation… that my pregnancy was an accident, that the father didn’t want the child, but I decided to keep it, and that was what ended the relationship…
Well several men decided that was ‘freaky’. LOL
I just deleted them as potentials, and moved on. Any real man out there would be able to handle that truth. Sometimes life isn’t a cookie cutter version of what the media sells as fairyland dreams. If a man can’t handle that that is how I became a mother, and respect my choices, then I don’t want that man.
So it really isn’t something I worry about in my future. When I am truly ready, and want to meet someone / have someone seriously in “our” lives, I am sure I will find a man capable of loving us, despite how we became an ‘us’.
Barbara Doduk´s last blog ..Should I become a Switch Hitter?
When you have a child all the thing that you worried about before, you get through. I have a special needs child and have seen a lot with him and also have seen a lot worse. But looking back when times were really tough, and wondering on how am I ever going to get through this, you do. The love from one is better than none. Keep the faith!
Jennifer´s last blog ..Deck Cleaning Before and After
Jennifer: We’re honored that you shared these sweet thoughts with us. Thank you!
Twitter @ singlemombooks
I was a single mom for six years, and I’m positive some men went their own way when they found out I had a daughter. My now-husband and I have discussed (and discuss) relationship situations all the time and he said some very cool things: “You can’t do the wrong thing with the right man.” “Man” being the operative word. If someone chooses out because you have children, excellent! Dating is really a sorting process – you’re sorting until you find someone you’re perfect for and who is perfect for you. The right man will love the richness the children provide and I agree 1000% that men find women sexy who are passionate about their life, have carved out their own place and are up to something big (like being a mom). Don’t settle for anyone less than amazing, and amazing includes someone who will unconditionally love your little pumpkins.
Honoree Corder´s last blog ..Single Moms: Therapy Can Help You and Your Kids
I dated a woman who had a DI baby. Certainly all men will not flee. Hell, it was much easier to think about than juggling the father of the child. Maybe some guys would worry, but it didn’t make me nervous at all.
@Dvrcd2yrs: We always appreciate hearing from guys who’ve been in a relationship with a single mom. Thank you.
I think that’s no big deal,why? most men just go into serious relationship with single mom who has gone thru divorce, being a DI mom has no emotional attachment to the father and their is no past to deal with then what is the big deal about it? People are just making a big fuss about it.
lindaronda´s last blog ..Free Online Data Storage
Never in a million years.
Will it hurt your dating life…probably.
Will it consign you to single motherhood forever…well, much depends on how old you are to start, your social class, your level of education, where you live.
Will it change the type of men you attract — almost certainly.
I’ve been an older single mom for six years. The reality is that as a single mom, you’ll have far less freedom, time, money, and patience with adult childishness or selfishness than you’ve got as a single woman without children. And that will cut out a very large number of men. Also, if you’re over 30 or so, odds are that the men who go after you will be considerably older than you. By a decade or so. Many will assume you’re desperate and pathetic and will be grateful to fall on their laps.
I’d say go into it with the expectation that it’ll be years before you’re really free to date in the first place. And afterwards…maybe, maybe not.
The more important thing will be the effect on your child. If a man’s not wonderful for children, stable, trustworthy, more a help than a hindrance, and a positive and kind soul, and actually interested in being the father of a child not his own, it’s a bad idea. Such men are few and far between.
On the whole, as a mother, a veteran of many relationships, and a marriage…I’d say a kid’s the better bet, if you’re trying to decide between men and children. But you’d better have money backing you, or doing it solo will be very tough indeed. The SMBC types softpedal that like crazy, but the biggest SMBC advocates I see generally have wealthy, helpful families backing them and don’t deal with problems like job loss with no support.
I am an old (41.5 when I had my daughter) DI mother. I found that I had more dating options once I had my daughter. One I think the pressure was off and I did not come across too strong or desperate to find a relationship or father material as I did when looking for Mr. Right (i.e. the whole traditional package). I found men were interested in my story, independance and strength. They respected the route I took versus just making someone a dad. I have not had anyone tell me it was strange.
I also found many men don’t mind children, in fact they enjoy them, just not the drama that comes with the ex. I did not have any of that baggage. Perhaps on some level they perceive my daughter may need, accept them more than a child that already has a father.
To make a long story short, I found the man of my dreams after having my DI child. I had waited my whole life looking for what I thought a relationship would/should be. It was not until after my DI child that I found it. Life is funny sometimes. I got everything I wanted and needed, just not in the order people expect. If I had waited for my Mr. Right I would have been too old to have children (45). I can not imagine my life without my daughter. I would have missed so much. It would have been complete with just her.
Go for it. The rest will come. A quality man will not find your DI child a burden or deal breaker, quite the opposite. If there doesn’t turn out to be a Mr. Right, trust me you will never regret your decision.
Twitter @ Cutemom421
Amy, “expect it to be years before you can date” ouch. I think we all know the difficulty balancing life with a child. Its the season for hopefulness? I think that the ex drama would be the biggest deterrent for a potential suitor. A DI mom gets the benefit of never having to deal with an ex. Personally, I have found that being a single mom was made more difficult by my ex, his girlfriends and antics. I loved your hubbies’ comment Honoree . The right man won’t care how you became a single mom.
Twitter @ Cutemom421
Amy, “expect it to be years before you can date” ouch. I think we all know the difficulty balancing life with a child. Its the season for hopefulness? I think that the ex drama would be the biggest deterrent for a potential suitor. A DI mom gets the benefit of never having to deal with an ex. Personally, I have found that being a single mom was made more difficult by my ex, his girlfriends and antics. I loved your hubbies’ comment Honoree . The right man won’t care how you became a single mom. If this was a man wanting to be a single dad by choice, he would have zero shortage of women…funny isn’t it?
Natasha, yes, expect it to be years. Unless you live with your parents and they’re willing to look after your baby, expect it to be at least a year or so before you can even consider dating. You won’t have time or energy. Once you can think about it, your schedule’s still mad constrained, and (assuming you haven’t been mommy-tracked from that snazzy job) you’ll still just be plain too tired. Toddlers need attention every few seconds, and you can’t have the child in day care all day and then staying with sitters in the evening on a regular basis. Nor is it wise to involve a new guy in your little one’s life just because you’re too exhausted to make the arrangements and don’t want to leave the child in evening care anyway.
Think about how hard married moms find it to maintain their marriages in the first few years of their children’s lives, and I think you’ll see the difficulties. There’s a guy right there, with an investment and a commitment and presumably love, and it’s still hard.
“If this was a man wanting to be a single dad by choice, he would have zero shortage of women…funny isn’t it?” LOL I like this comment and I agree, he would have zero shortage of women.
I can’t see why it would do anything BUT boost your relationships & potential love life. A smart, independent girl who not only knew what she wanted but also found a way to get it! What kind of man doesn’t think that’s sexy!!
I became pregnant unexpectedly at 40 as the result of a fling and decided to have the baby. My daughter’s father lived overseas and our fledging relationship was not destined to become a family unit. My mother gave me some very wonderful advice including the fact that as a successful woman with a young child, I would probably attract a different caliber of guy. She was 100% right- all the confirmed bachelor types stayed away and the men who were drawn to me and my toddler were caring and interested in family life. So, for me, I met better men as a result of being a single mother. When my daughter was less than a year old, I fell in love with a great guy and we proceeded to have two more kids in short order. So, becoming a mother on my own was one of the best things I could have done. Another one of my mother’s tidbits-
“Babies have been coming in to the world this way for a very long time. You have the brains and resources to make this work.”