When a single dad won’t let his kids meet his girlfriend
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Single Dads
A new reader recently came to our site because she wanted to read more about when to introduce your kids to someone you’re dating. When this single mom wrote to us offline to share her dilemma with us, however, it threw us for a loop. Here’s why:
This divorced mom has been dating a divorced dad for more than one year now. They each have two teenagers. She got divorced when her kids were little, and he got divorced two years ago. So, what’s the problem?
As their relationship grew deeper and more serious, this single mom decided to introduce her kids to her boyfriend. He seemed open and excited about taking this step. Yet months later, when she asked her boyfriend about getting the chance to meet his kids, he said, “Not yet.”
At first, this single mom thought that Dad just wanted to follow his kids’ leads. Maybe his children weren’t ready to meet the new girlfriend? But when she broached the subject again with him, he told her: “My ex-wife and I have talked about it: our kids are still feeling upset about the divorce, and it’s good idea to rush into anything–”
Excuse me?
“I told him that I understand how hard this must be for his kids — because I have two kids the same age,” this single mom went on. “But still, I can’t help but wonder if something else is going on. I mean, they signed the divorce papers two years ago!”
Moreover, this single mom’s own kids have started to ask their Mom: “Why he doesn’t invite us over for dinner so we can meet his kids?”
She wants to give her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. Maybe his kids really do need more time to open up to the fact that their Dad has a girlfriend?
But still, this single mom added: “I could really use some help on this one to get more perspective.”
Dads, we encourage you to please chime in, too!
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Photo via Flickr: dhammza
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Twitter @ momma_sunshine
I think this warrants more conversation with the boyfriend to find out what’s going on. After all, it’s been two years since his divorce, his kids need to realize that he’s moving on with his life. And meeting the woman he’s now involved with (and perhaps even bonding with her children) might really be a good way to help them all move on.
Twitter @ JRRSEhopeCoach
My heart hurt when I read this story, I truly I hope that it all works out well and with time the bf comes around and brings his kids into this relationship. However, based on my own experience there are alarm bells ringing and red lights flashing, and I’ve learned to pay attention to them! Here’s my thoughts based on tons of experience and working with so many blended families.
My first thought is that your bf’s refusal to introduce his kids to you and your kids is NOT normal or healthy. Period. Regardless of what he says to justify the behavior, it simply isn’t right, for alot of reasons.
My second thought is that it is pretty impossible that this particular behavior is happening in isolation. Being in an unhealthy relationship is one of those insidious things – you start putting up with little things that aren’t okay, justifying it by telling yourself that its important to be flexible, that ‘this’ isn’t a big deal, that there are so many wonderful things about this man! Biggest clue to the fact that there’s more going on is that he brought up a conversation with his ex when you pressed him to move forward. The “new” relationship should be primary, not second to his relationship with an ex – even when the ex is mother to his children!
So what to do about it? Based on how its gone in the past for you, I’m guessing that you bring up the issue of his kids as rarely as you can stand it, then back down quickly when he says no. So rather than trying to force yourself to change this pattern all by yourself, get some help! Sometimes guys get stuck in a behavior pattern (especially when it comes to a previous relationship) and simply can’t hear when we try to tell them how much it hurts us. But then often they can hear it from someone else. Reminds me of how young children magically hear something from a teacher when they simply couldn’t hear the very same thing from mom!
Find a counselor – I’d encourage you to spend a little time looking at how often you cave in when you express a want/need that he dismisses. Then see if he’ll go with you to a few sessions. Rather than making it a confrontation, you can simply ask him to come with you to counseling as a commitment to making this new relationship as healthy as possible. If he won’t, that’ll tell you something important. If he will (and I’ll be hoping he does!) you’ll have a good chance of moving this relationship forward in a healthy way.
After all, this is what we all want right? A chance to rebuild healthy relationships. I’ll be interested in hearing how it goes, and will be sending you courage as you move forward!
~RJ
Twitter @ PostDvorceCoach
It could be just what he says. My husband’s children have met me one time, and the ex was there. They had serious issues with the divorce and she was doing some serious alienation and he thought this was the best way to maintain a relationship with his kids and not rock the boat.
Is this the best way? I don’t think so, and it is hard. I have had to explain to my kids that one day they will meet his kids and we don’t know when. They eventually stop asking, because our family unit does not include his children. Is that the best way? No. But, it is what he decided and I have to respect that.
The problems occur when life cycle events take place and I can’t be there. It is hurtful, but the bright side of the coin is the stress of adding more children to the mix is not there. So, you have to look at it from both ways.
After two years? Something doesn’t sound right. I agree with Sunshine. More discussion is warranted.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I think so much depends on the age of the kids involved, how much time has passed since the divorce, whether or not one of his kids may be dealing with a particularly tough adjustment… or, he may indeed be stalling.
Is he serious but not that serious about this woman? A year is significant period of time. Were there other “serious” relationships prior to the one she is having?
There’s a lot more to know here, than just what is presented. I am not a fan of introducing kids too soon; they get attached (at least some do) – and they begin to form certain expectations, depending upon the age. Then again, if he has met her children, after a year, unless he already knows this relationship is transitional or biding time, one would think she would meet his kids, too.
She needs to find out what’s really going on.
Twitter @ lildevilmama
Let me do some math…the divorce was final two years ago, and they have been dating for one year. So when they met, essentially he was one year out of the divorce, right? My thinking is this he was probably one year into healing, and helping his kids heal and the last year with the GF has probably been in the midst of that. After my split with the Bio, it took me a year to even look in the mirror without asking myself how I let this happen. Every split is different. Even if his kids are older, they may not have seen it coming. They may not understand how their family is no longer. They may still be working through the grieving process, it is different for everyone.
I understand this Mom’s frustration. A year is in normal dating standards, is a long time, but she has also had longer time after her divorce to heal and come to terms with the situation. When we become single parents all bets are off and everything we thought was normal is out the door. If this Mom trusts her BF then she needs to trust her gut and follow her heart. I don’t think this Dad is being shaddy or has anything else going, but is probably truly trying to do what’s best for his kids and his co-parenting situation. Without knowing how the divorce went down on his side, I’m more likely to err on that side than think he’s not to be trusted. However, I do agree that this situation needs more honest conversation, about how as a couple they can work together to make the transition easier on everyone.
Everything in good time, and when it is meant to be.
I am in a similar situation. The difference is that bf and I are not exclusive. We were and then decided to reel things in. I do believe the children were a factor along with my living a long distant, one hour away. Although, I do believe when a man wants a woman he knows it and nothing will come between a man and the woman he wants to be with. Am I wrong? Being that he was newly divorced I understood his sensitivity and consideration for his daughter’s feelings. They are 13 and 14. While we’re both still online we spend a lot of time together regardless of the distance. Seems we both haven’t found anyone we’d rather spend more time with. He spends time with me and my two children. We have been dating for over a year. I have been in the company of his girls twice. Once for lunch, the initial meeting, and the last time at my home at which point our kids finally met each other. Since then I have heard that any more get togethers will not be likely as one of his daughters is having a hard time with daddy seeing someone else/ seeing daddy with someone else. Although she knows we see each other often.
I do wonder like the woman above just how long is healthy for dad to remain totally kid centric and I agree with Momma Sunshine that all of us spending time together or at the least my family being more visible in their lives could be helpful for his family in moving on.
On the other hand, I’m with Lee. For now bf and I have all our own time together and are able to give each other the max in undivided attention. When he visits my kids enjoy his company and see that he brings happiness to mom and helps her with things around the house. He is a total daddy and loves all kids. They sense this. So right now I am enjoying what we have. No expectations. I can’t deny the fact, though, that I wonder just what it will take for him to see that his daughter will be just fine with whatever happens. Whether we remain friends and he finds someone closer or we decide to embark on an exclusive relationship. It just seems as RJ says it’s all about building healthy relationships and relationships come in many varieties. Let the daughter experience this and us in a healthy light not lurking about in darkness with her fears or daddy’s fears in control, so unhealthy.
I just hate anything coming between us and fun and I know that there could be a lot more fun goin’ on! But I’m a realist as well and understand that with that will come adjustments and struggles… they’re called growing pains and they’re worth it. The time we spend together indicates to me that we’re worth it.
Twitter @ freshstartdad
I completely understand where this father is coming from. I’ve always been more than a bit cautious when introducing my kids to a new relationship. As BigLittleWolf mentioned, some kids can get too attached, and I’ve always opted to err on the side of caution.
With that said though, I believe that dating someone for a year with no introduction is an indication that there is some other factor playing into the relationship. I’d like to know other information about his divorce as well: Who initiated his divorce? Is his ex dating? Is she hopeful that they’ll reconcile? If the kids are still upset 2 years after the papers are signed — which would indicate they have likely been apart for over 2.5 years — have the kids had a chance to talk to a counselor?
I believe this is a situation where the introduction would actually help. Maybe if the kids meet each they may find comfort in the pseudo-peer counseling that would occur.
I think the introduction must occur soon though. Not just because our divorced mom in this scenario would like it to occur, but because I believe that not having the introduction sends a wrong signal to her kids as well.
Either way, it is obviously something that our divorced mom is not comfortable with. He may seem like a good catch, but this is more than just him leaving the toilet seat up. If this situation isn’t addressed, and soon, moving on may be the best option.
Twitter @ http://giggedygeekmum.wordpress.com/
I’d press the issue. A year is a long time. Regardless of his reasons this dad isn’t being fair to this mom and her children. They’re picking up on it and who knows what messages they’re getting from it. As a mom I would not be a happy camper if my kids were asking those questions. Hopefully they can work it out but I agree with the other posters who said this is a red flag.
My instincts sides with dad. He should be allowed to decide when he introduces his kids to his girlfriend. I don’t think he should be punished for deciding to keep his children out of his dating life. I hated my step-siblings, and was not a big fan of my stepfather for a long time. Perhaps he’s saving his new girlfriend from being disliked? Perhaps his kids have strongly expressed how unhappy they are that he is seeing someone else? I know a lot of people think that kids should be forced into line with their parents’ new relationships, but I don’t. They’re in a situation they didn’t choose, and should not have a new and confusing relationship forced upon them. Reading over this and tapping into the emotions this has brought up in me, I realise this could be far more about my own past! Sorry if I am wrong, the other advice may well be more appropriate
Twitter @ sfbudgetwedding
Every divorce is different. There could be a number of reasons why he feels that his kids aren’t ready yet. For one thing, the divorced mom may have children who are the same age as her boyfriend’s children, but their parents divorced when they were much much younger and have had a lot of their growing up years to come to terms with their mom’s situation. The boyfriend’s children were already teenagers or nearly teenagers when their parents divorced. I think younger children adapt a little easier than older children to traumatic changes in their families, so it may be that the boyfriend’s children are really and truly not ready.
The other thing that strikes me is that two years is not really that long of a time. Perhaps the boyfriend’s divorce was particularly bitter or troubled? Since he is co-parenting with his ex-wife, I think he is doing a good thing in conferring with her about the timing of such an important move in their children’s lives. It shows a lot of character that they are able to work together for the good of their kids.
Twitter @ cheri_mr
I agree with other comments that if the single dad is stalling because he and ex-wife thinks the kids are still upset about the divorce then it would be wise to wait a little bit longer. For children, two years could still be a short time. Remember that we are talking about teenagers here whose parents divorced two years ago. They definitely have spent so much time in their lives with both parents that it could take time to adjust to the idea that the single dad is dating again.For now, I think it’s important though that the single dad has already told his children about his girlfriend. That first step should have been made already. I would recommend more talks with the BF about the kids from both sides if only to know where their relationship is heading and what their plans for the kids are.
Twitter @ traciwhitney
I can really relate to this story. After being divorced for almost 3 years, and having dated my current boyfriend pretty much most of that time, he still isn’t as close to my children as I would have expected. I understand it’s difficult because he doesn’t get to see his own kids nearly as much as he would like, and he feels as if he is betraying them by being close with my kids, but enough is enough. After a few long conversations about my concern and hurt over the situation, he has truly been trying ever since. Sometimes people need a little encouragement to know that it’s ok to get out of their comfort zone. I think in this case I would say the same thing. Two years is a long time in my opinion.
One year of dating isn’t that long if you’re dating with kids… most times it means a few times a month rather than a few times a week, right? (maybe that’s just my bad luck lol)
I would respect his decision, but let him know that whenever he thinks it’s time you’re more than ready. I would ask him about the kids, keep up on what’s going on with them and show that you’re interested in them and that you care about them vicariously through him. Maybe once he sees that you have their best interests at heart, too, he might feel more comfortable adding them into the relationship.
I know that I had a hard time getting to the point where I was ready to introduce my kids to my BF. He asked to meet them, and I hemmed and hawed a few weeks and then just broke down. He was very happy about it, and things have been much much easier since now we can do things with the kids around. (mine are younger… 2.5, 5, 8)
if the kids are still upset & possibly hoping for a reconciliation, NOT introducing them to the woman he’s been dating for a year is giving them false hope. if his girlfriend is an important person in his life, his teen-aged kids need to meet her. introducing them doesn’t mean he’s going to force her on them, its just giving them a chance to get to know eachother & hopefully become friends. it doesn’t sound like they have plans to get married or anything.
i plan to wait until i am in a serious relationship before i think about introducing him to my daughter, & i would respect the same decision from my partner. but if we were dating exclusively for a year & i had not met his children yet because his exwife didn’t want me to, i would take that as a sign that we are not on the same page working toward the same future, & it was time to move on.
Twitter @ http://nwnnp.wordpress.com
Like has been said here already, every situation is different. The pain from divorce can have such enormous and long lasting effects on those in the crossfire, namely our children. My oldest surprised me with how difficult of a time she had with my seeing someone. She basically said to me that she expected I would not remarry until all the kids were out of the house! Really?! Well, I will spare you how the rest of that conversation went!
There is a definitely an advantage of keeping your beau separate and not bringing the kids into the mix. It’s maybe not seen as “ideal” but then what is ideal? It is a huge thing to blend a two families (from what I’ve heard and read). Maybe not all relationships can withstand this. I think you risk losing it all (relationship with your beau) by taking that step so the timing has to be right. Then again, you might risk losing them if you hold out on introducing the kids forever. There are never easy or straightforward answers thats for sure.
Michele´s last blog ..Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
I think we have all been on one side or the other of this sticky situation. I know I have! I have been divorced almost 8 years. There’s been a lot of learning in that time! In the beginning, I jumped feet first, brain later into relationships, and involving my kids.(resulting in a lot of heartaches for all of us). I had zero experience with grown up relationships and dating, as I met my ex at 15, married at 18…divorced at 23. So when I began to date, I had no clue how or what to do. In 8 years, I’ve learned that most men are not worthy of an intro. Period. Even ones I date for a while…if there’s an inkling of a doubt that this will be a forever thing, I dont involve my kids. That simple. And vice versa. I have been very open with my dates about this issue, and have found most men will totally agree. Most men are fun for a while, but if dont see him being a full time, live-in, daily struggles as a stepdad kinda guy, then I have my fun and move on. Lets face it, we are divorced, not dead. We have needs that need to be filled (no pun intended, lol), but we do not need to drag our kids into it. My bottom line is…if I cant see a forever after with him, he wont meet the kids. So maybe this mom needs to ask that question…Is this for real, or is she wasting her time. Bigger and better fish may be out there waiting for her…
I’m on the dad’s side with this one. Has he dated someone before, maybe, and introduced too early and it didn’t work out? Older kids can be tough. I dated someone, introduced him, and my daughter didn’t like him at all. I’m not sure she’ll ever like anyone I date, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue. I just know the next time around, I’m going to be very very very cautious about it all because of my past experience. Perhaps this man’s teens really ARE still having a hard time with it. I think it’s foolish to think that “two years” is enough time for all kids, especially teens. It’s like they are 3 and 5. They had almost their whole childhood with both parents. That’s really really tough to just get over. Dad knows his own kids.
I meant it’s NOT like they are 3 and 5
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Twitter @ mightbeatranny
when a man wants to move forward w/ the relationship; he does. after a year of dating and you asking more than once to meet his kids and move forward, he’s gone as far as he’s willing to go with you. when a man wants you he goes after you. what you 2 have now is enough for him. if its not enough for you, you can speak up, but i doubt it would be any good. if you’re looking for another marriage or a live in you owe it to yourself to tell him that you want more. no sense in settling.
This guy sounds like a real jerk. It makes me think: What is he hiding? If he wasn’t ready to introduce his children he should have never met hers. Why is it okay to begin a relationship and possible attachment to her children but spare his? Are his kids more special? And moreover what does this say about future issues between their children if and when they do meet? Huge Red Flag.
Twitter @ mutantmodel
I’m with dad here big time. Two years after a divorce is NOT a long time by any stretch of the imagination. If the kids are teenagers, this is even worse because most likely the marriage was going on many years. This is a devastating situation. Girlfriend needs to back up big time and let Dad navigate things.
Also, considering they’ve been dating a year and it’s been two years since a divorce, it is very definitely a possibility Dad is still working through unresolved emotions and feelings about the divorce. That’s to be expected– and respected.
Mutant Supermodel´s last blog ..Ten Challenges to Stimulate Your Savings
Shan: Thanks for sharing your point of view. Things always get sticky when kids are treated differently.
Mutant Model: That’s an interesting perspective – Dad needs to work through unresolved feelings. Very possibly true. Thanks for contributing so insightfully to this conversation.
It is important to teach the kids to move forward and be open to changes. Two years could be short time but still enough for the kids to understand that the relationship between their parents is over and that –unless the father is showing different when he visits them at their mother’s house- sooner or later either of their parents or both will have somebody else as partner. It is important to live the real life and teach them with example. There is no sense on pretending what is not. There is not doubt that these situations create pain and traumas on the kids, but why not to think about it before the divorce? Why not to try to work it out instead? Kids need to go to the process of mourning and all the stages that a lost brings with it. It is only after it that they will be able to accept somebody else, if we put a veil on we are not helping them, we are absolute extending the suffering, increasing the anger, and frustrations, and delaying the healing process.
Introducing kids to a bf as bf should be done once we are sure that the relationship is going to a committed stage, if that is what we look for. Kids get attached very quickly. However; a year dating is enough time for a couple to know if they have a common vision in the relationship; which I doubt exists in this relationship. There is not time for second guess, we must communicate and act, ask about before we get involved deeper. By the sixth month we should already know if there is common vision especially about the kids.
For the most part guys are comfortable and it is not like they initiate the break up, not until they find another one, they express all the excuses in the world trying to make us tired and to see if we give up, but still they stay there, after all why not? In general she “gives all” of her and there is nothing bad about receiving it. It is comfortable!
She needs to sit and have a talk, no assumptions, and no guesses. Do the kids need counseling? Take them to some therapy. Perhaps… does he need counseling? Who needs counseling here? If after some therapy things continue the same, she MUST move forward.
No benefit of the doubt in this case, we all must know that when a guy REALLY wants to have a lady right next to him or just for him, he does anything for it to happen. I see a big flag in this case.
My love to her and my wishes that whatever the solution is in her situation be for the well being of each one in her family.
Cori: Your comment is thoughtful. And much appreciated. We’re wondering: do others spot a red flag, too? Please chime in.
Twitter @ SonicRise
It’s quite possible that he’s not sure she is ‘The One’.
In other words, he’s trying to have is cake: keeping the girlfriend; and eat it too: postponing the conflict that will arise with his ex.
At this point in the game, he HAS to have SOME idea of whether or not she is a keeper.
shim aka NappyKitchen´s last blog ..Swing Out Sister
Twitter @ starthower88
It’s been 6 months since my last, long winded, comment, and I thought I’d share what has happened. Unbelievably, 4 days after I posted the above comment, the ex moved 3 hours away to live with her boyfriend. Evidently, she felt the girls were capable of seeing her with a partner and living with him to boot. It’s come to light that dad just isn’t ready to get into another committed relationship. The girls were a smokescreen. In fact his oldest is very ready to have us all get together. She communicates with both my daughter and me on FB and I love that. Shim,in the above comment mentions, “maybe he’s not sure if she’s the “one”. One thing I have figured out is that finding “the one” is a process and I would rather share a *good* guy that comes into my life with the kids than worry about how fragile they might be in the event that he’s not the “one”, because they aren’t fragile. It’s taken some time for me to realize this. Neither one of us needs to be the “one” for us to share our relationship with our kids. We care about each other, we spend a lot of time together. But, Cori is right, when a man feels it’s right he’ll make things happen. Unless, of course, fear is debilitating;)
P.S. I’m the one that sent the letter in for your feedback and I thank all of you very much.
@Starthrower: thank you for coming back and giving us an update. We are grateful that you let us share your story here.
Run like Hell!!! I dated a guy who had 2 kids and would only introduce me to one. Well it turned out that the one I never met was hell bent on daddy staying single. She stole my phone number and address from the roledex and there were all kind of other issues. It was unfortunate because he was great, but she was a major factor in the relationship ending. On the flip side my son has never met my exes new wife and there are plenty of reasons why, they boil down to he doesn’t want the new wife to find out about his tiger woods style behavior. He cheats on the new wife in grand fashion, just like he did with me. He hasn’t done anything to hide it from me. In fact he rarely even wears his wedding ring when he comes to pick up our son and he even had the nerve to call me when his car broke down someplace he wasn’t supposed to be becasue he couldn’t call his wife for help or he would have been caught (I simply refered him to AAA). I have no doubt that I am painted as the B who alenates him from his kid but the reality is he wants to make sure all his dirty secrets stay secrets and he knows if there is too much cross polination something is bound to come up (like the child he had in college that his own parents didn’t know about and I found out about by accident). If a man is keeping the kids from you there is a problem. Either the kids or the ex have major issues that he doesn’t want you to find out about or he has major issues and he doesn’t want someone to say something that will expose him. As women we like to fault the other women and buy into his she is a B** or a psycho but let’s face it he was with her for however long. When it all started to unravel with my ex I spoke to 2 of the women he was fouling around with. They were decent women, smart, attractive. He was the issue not them. I felt badly for them and I feel badly for his wife who is probably as naieve as I was. If a man is compartmetalizing like that there is a problem and most likely he is it.
Move on, move on, move on… I have been here. Dating someone for 18 months and him still playing games. If someone’s children are having a difficult time with a divorce, then why would this person go out and date, rather than tend to the troubles of their own children? Don’t go affecting other people, before you have your own issues under control. Now, he has messed with this woman and her children’s emotions, because he wanted to date, when his children required “more time”.
Dear All,
I don’t have children myself but I’m hoping someone can give me some advice.
I started having an affair with my boss at work 4 years ago. It was common knowledge, in the company, that he was unhappy in his relationship (they weren’t married but have two children).
My problem is, and has been for at least three of the years we’ve been together, I’ve never met his kids. One is now nearly 20 years old ( and is away at University), and the other is nearly 16.
I’m well aware that parents should be cautious when introducing a new partner but it’s been 4 years and he won’t even discuss it.
In addition, he goes to see his daughter every evening after work ( he says his ex-partner is still at work and he leaves before she gets back ). So every evening, I spend an hour and a half on public transport getting home while he’s with his daughter. He then drives back to me but most of the evening has gone by then. This happens Monday to Friday.
Then, every Saturday ( while his ex partner is at work), he drives to their house and spends the day with his daughter again. Sometimes he’ll even say afterwards that she went out with her friends and he was there on his own. Why? Saturday night’s he usually ends up ‘babysitting’, even though she’s nearly 16.
So, in essence, we get a couple of hours together each evening and all day Sunday – by which time, I’m usually so resentful that I don’t want to be with him anyway.
The final straw came a few weeks ago when an elderly gentleman that we knew died ( my partner’s ex knew him too). I went to the funeral but my partner said that he couldn’t be away from work, that he couldn’t just leave everything for an hour. Hi boss had already said it was OK for him to go as he was going too, but he stuck with his excuse that he couldn’t.
It was then that it occurred to me that his ex-partner was going to be there and he didn’t want to be seen with me. The situation was really awkward for me and the colleagues I went with were quite supportive but I felt really humiliated as well as being upset that a friend had died.
Since then we’ve not really spoken to each other. I know he’s worried that the relationship is over between us and I think he knows that he’s treated me poorly. He can be kind and generous and gentlemanly too but our general routine never wavers – it’s the ex’s house every evening and every Saturday.
Would I be right in thinking I’m wasting my time with this man?
Please help – I have no family to ask advice from and my friends usually change the subject to talk about themselves when I try to discuss this.
Thank you
Kind regards
Polly
Since then we’ve not really spoken to each other
Sorry, I should have said that his ex threw him out when he told her that he was having an affair with me and for the last 3 years we have been living together.
Polly