When you’re dating a married man
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Many of you have told us loud and clear that dating a married man is a big “no no.” Yet the truth is, some us have learned this lesson the hard way: firsthand. Please know: we are not judging you.
That goes for the single mom who wrote to us this week about the man she’s seeing — who’s married. “I need a place to talk about this,” she writes. “And I’d like to hear what your readers might say.”
Early this summer, this single mom was house sitting for a friend in a beautiful home with a community pool nearby. After work and on weekends, her kids loved going swimming. And it turns out that this man — along with his wife and eight-year-old daughter — were neighbors who frequented the same pool.
“We started to chat one day and it turns how that we had some friends in common,” this moms says. “Soon, we’d exchanged numbers to plan our pool visits. After the house sitting ended, we continued to talk.”
It turns out they had even more in common than just the fact that their kids loved so swim. This woman says that she felt like a married single mom during the 10 years she was with her husband. That’s why she emphasized with her new “friend,” who says that “he does everything alone because he wife refuses to ever get sitters.”
So, after many lengthy, heartfelt conversations… she invited him over to her place.
“I know this is so so wrong,” she tells us, “because this could really be damaging to his wife, whom I don’t even know. I only see him when my kids are with their dad and I have no intention of every introducing them to him. I also know that I have no intention of asking this man to leave his wife.”
She goes onto explain that she works hard at several jobs to support her kids and loves parenting her kids solo. She’s not looking for a long-term relationship right now: “My kids and my work are my priority. I feel like this is just a perfect understanding because there are no strings attached.”
She adds: “I’m only in this relationship for physically satisfaction — and nothing more. He knows this and I know this.”
Still, here’s what nags at her insides: she’s betraying another woman. “I know I need to end this now, but I am not sure I want to — yet. This is all so confusing especially when there is no one to talk to.”
We’re hoping that you’ll chime in here. Have you ever been in a purely physical relationship because that’s what you felt you needed and wanted? Was this relationship with someone married?
Were you ever on the “other” side as a wife/husband who was betrayed?
If so, do you have some thoughts for this single mom?
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Photo via Flickr: fitmom
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I respect that I could very well be off target, as I only have the info presented above to go with. It’s difficult to really get a clear sense of what’s happening internally without knowing more info or meeting her. Would you elaborate on the points you may not agree with? I’m always open to feedback.
Dating married men is a no no, but what happens if you are lied to & do not know he’s married? I’ve known it happen & it’s the poor woman named a homewrecker when it was the man that has broke his vows & strayed.
Mj: We hear you! If the guy lies about his relationship status, it is often the woman branded “home wrecker”. Thanks for chiming in.
I haven’t read the other responses, but this woman needs to stop this behavior. In the future, she will totally regret it. If this man chooses to end his marriage, maybe they could resume their relationship after some time, but for now what they are doing is totally wrong, there is NO justification, and she needs to end it for her own future self respect.
Twitter @ http://deleted
I agree with anonaone, there is absloutey No justifications for what she’s doing. It’s different to date a married man because he lied to you, and deceived you about his single status, but it’s another thing to do it, with full knowledge that he isn’t available and has a wife with kids. This woman knows what it is to be a single parent, the struggles her and her kids go through, the only thing she should be doing is encouraging this man to talk with his wife, or encourage him to talk his wife into counseling, not encouraging him into her bed. I am sorry, but because this man’s wife won’t get a baby sitter is a LAME excuse to have an affair with another. There maybe reasons as to why his wife doesn’t want to use sitting services. I once had a horrifying babysitter experience where I thought the sitter was hurting my child when he was an infant. He would come home with marks on him, and acting as if he wasn’t being fed. He dropped a lot of weight in a short period of time, and once he stopped going to that sitter- he stopped acting starved, and put his weight back on. It was extremely devestating, and a terrifying ordeal (as he was still an infant) and it caused me to mistrust everyone with him. I would panic at the thought of having someone other than myself watch him. I even left my job so that I could be with him full time because of this experience. Maybe this man’s wife has a REASON not to get a sitter. This woman doesn’t know the full story- as we often don’t know what really goes on behind closed doors in the lives of others. He also could be lying to her, and feeding her what she wants to hear in order to get her in to bed. And what happens if his wife finds out about the affair, and it ultimately ends their marriage? How would this woman feel to know that she is the cause for someone else’s marriage not working, or for someone else’s kids not being able to have both parents in the home? When a person cheats on thier spouse, they also cheat on thier kids. It’s time away from the family, and a family is a whole unit, not just a spouse. If this woman wants to continue with what she is doing she is gonna have t be able to live with herself if she causes the demise of thier marriage. If she can’t do it for herself, then she should think of his kids, and the damage she could cause them, and the time away from them that an affair takes from them.
Twitter @ KrystenGlab
Pushing all morals and values aside and looking at the big picture– this doesn’t end well for her. The thrill of forbidden fruit adds an entire new aspect to what she’s doing and it’s enthralling.. the longer it goes on, the worse the damage. It has to end at some point and while it will be difficult, she would be far better off ending it now. The immediate excitement is not worth the hurt she will feel after she falls for this guy. As soon as the wife becomes suspicions (and she will) he will cut off all communication leaving her with a big fat REJECTED stamp straight to the heart. She should realize that she is a strong woman and she should take control of the situation by ending it. It starts off purely physical, but something about being female comes with these damn things called feelings and in this case they are guaranteed to come with tears!
@Krysten: Thanks for pointing out this side of having a secret relationship: the thrill of it. Indeed, there might be an addiction here to the adrenaline that comes with having an affair. Thanks for adding to this discussion.
Twitter @ MommyMe
First off, how about the guy in this situation? He’s totally taking advantage of this woman’s loneliness. Yes, she is wrong and should stop, but I think if married men acted like married men instead of running around on their wives, then we single moms wouldn’t be put in situations like these. My ex cheated on me all the time and I NEVER gave him a reason to. I was faithful, a good wife and a great Mother and I was ALWAYS there when he needed me, but he STILL cheated on me over and over again. So when this man is telling her his wife is this or that or isn’t doing this or isn’t doing that, he’s feeding her a bunch of bull and she should run. Fast!
Nina´s last blog ..Falling Behind……On Everything!!
End it. Now. What you’re doing is inexcusable, plain and simple.
I am trying to end a relationship with a married man for over a year now. I’m single, divorced, four years ago, and met him one month after my divorce. I wasnt thinking healthy at the time and yes thats a legitimate excuse. İ did a stupid thing because İ was suffering from many personal issues inside due to a loveless childhood and neglecting marriage. The marriage offcourse was due to my loveless childhood or İ would have married a good and healthy man. But that aside. With what I know now I would never ever do it again. But İ dont regret it because I learned a lot about myself and struggled my way up from when I was down on the ground after hearing his wife got pregnant while telling and believing me they didnt do anything. Now I am stronger then I ever have been or could be without this experience, but I payed a huge price. After two years İ still cant stand the sound of a baby whilst that makes me remember what he made me go through. She got pregnant after he introduced me to her and his family as a good friend. İ wouldnt meet them but after much nagging and manipulation İ gave in. She rubbed the pregnancy in my face, she played a silent strategic war against me, just by showing him off to me, that was enough, and he didnt notice it for she was aiming at me solely and wisely, even though she didnt know about us she was in it to get me out. And the pregnancy was a full knock out. He still says it was a one time involvement with his wife but İ dont believe him and İ tell him every time we discuss after a two day peace we have trying to stay friends. But even though İ really love him and never said to leave his wife İ know try to get him out of my life the hard way, but after a big fight he always calls me or drops by at work. He wont give up. İ admit its good for my ego knowing it wasnt just a sex thing but at the end it doesnt feel right. İ cant reply sweetly on his messages anymore, knowing what İ know now. What İ know? He is a man who is in desperate need of attention, finds only true hapiness in deep and loving sex, is a two timer telling both sides what they want to hear if its helping him, and swearing to both sides if we are not giving him what he needs. He is trapped in his own insecurity, afraid of making a decision that is hard but realistic, tries to maintain both sides at any risk. Risking my health and sanity, his own, and risking his marriage. Knowing that we only have one life to live makes the separation much much harder because this in my case is real love from my side İ have to give up. İf İ dont İ will ruin my one life to live.
İ will never judge, but know that loving a married man is always a lesson learned the hard way. And the worst part is that after breaking up its a relieve for all the waiting will be over, but the hurt of all those alone moments that he was with her in stead of me, and İ was waiting my turn, stays. The only thing is that İ dont (have to) wait anymore. The hurt will never go away because he is still and always be with her.
But İ know he will not only be with her, but with another woman too now he doesnt have me anymore. He must fill his marriage gap with someone. So how much hurt can İ really be, knowing that she has him like she always did, but knowing that he is not to trust. İ know him better than she does and that is my gain İ hold on to. She may be his wife and the mother of his kids but İ have met his true self. Yes, and through meeting his true self İ learned who İ really am. İ needed him to awake. And gosh am İ awake now.
And when I think of him as a human being and the man I fell in love with I really feel sorry for him, because everything about him is about not being happy with what he has, which probably is enough for a man, but he cant. He must go beyond that. I feel sorry for the badluck he creates over himself, because he will not give in. I also feel sorry for myself, that I was necessary to go through all of this to come and stand where I stand now, in stead of having parents to teach me what I had to learn the hard way. It may be foolish to blame my parents for this, but are they not the people who should have taught me right from wrong, and what I am worth of? I really know now. A bit late but better late than never. I dont feel sorry for her, because she doesnt know. She is the only one who lives a (fake) reality. But its paying her off. We, him and I, have suffered, and will suffer because we will never be together, so that she can live her life as she knows it.
My message can only be: anyone who is accepting a situation that is demeaning your selfesteem, and that is a form of suffering, putting up with something that is making you mostly unhappy even at the the few happy moments, who is in denial about admitting to themselves what is realy going on, that anyone is still looking for the inner child that got lost along the way. This sort of experiences are only there to find yourself, if not learned the normal way, then it definitely will come to you the hard way. Everytime I catch myself of thinking about his wife, who in my fantasy is so happy with him, I know that I am using her so I dont have to think about myself and my own happiness, I know that I am deliberitely torturing myself with things I cannot know and things that are so irrelevant because it is something that doesnt concern me. My own life must concern me. Just like his wife only concerns about her own life. That is what I still struggle with sometimes. Being selfish. Not by being with anothers husband, that really is not a selfish thing even though most people will say so, but thats ignorance talking. Selfishness is demanding a man, a life, a marriage for my own, in stead of giving it away to a married man, who lives his life 95% with another. That is just plain stupid and extremely giving but in a damaging way.