When you’re married. And he won’t help with the kids.
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
When we opened up the conversation about married moms who feel like single moms, the torrent of heart breaking tales from married woman doing double — and triple duty — shocked us. The lack of emotional support and no “extra set of hands” to help with the kids were a stark reminder that *married* carries no guarantees.
A recent comment on that post from a single mom caught our attention. (We’re on the record: Even if you’re married, you’re ALWAYS a single mom in your heart.)
Here’s what this newly married single mom told us:
Recently married for the second time, this mom has custodial custody of her kids. Their father has parenting time with them every other weekend. The rest of the time the parenting chores fall to her and her husband. Or at least that’s the way she feels it is supposed to work.
“I love my husband. And he claims to love me and the the kids,” she told us sadly. “But, when it comes to my kids, it’s completely up to me.”
This newly married single mom told us that, if the kids need anything, it’s TOTALLY up to her. Her husband has no kids of his own. And both of them work full-time. No matter what the situation, it is her responsibility to take off work and deal with the kid crisis. Daily routines are also her responsibility. She’s always rushing home in traffic to pick up the kids. And he gets home before she does.
If she asks for help, her husband throws a fit. And she just wants to cry.
To make matters more complicated, this mom just got a new job. And this job requires her to leave town for a week for training. Her husband refuses to watch the kids while she’s away. Her husband insists that the kids stay with their father, even though that means they will miss school.
This newly married single mom is frustrated beyond the belief . She got married so she could have a partner in life. And not struggle to manage everything all by herself.
Frankly, we’re not sure how we feel about this situation.
So, we’re asking you to shine some light …
Do you believe that these kid responsibilities do belong exclusively to this married single mom?
Is this husband justified in NOT pitching in with her kids?
Or should this husband participate cooperatively in the daily parenting grind?
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(Photo via Flickr: John Suler)
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When my marriage was falling apart and I was pregnant, I called a friend who happens to be a divorce attorney looking for advice/support. She talked to me about how she sees many marriages fail because women think men will change when they commit/marry/have children.
What behavior is acceptable/unacceptable when dating? What values are most important in a potential partner? Why do we marry (especially when we are already moms) when/if we know our partners won’t share our parenting values?
I think this post and the post prior beg to ask those question. I have several married friends who struggle because their husbands don’t help out enough with family and household responsibilities. Since most people don’t have kids when they marry, there are not always guarantees of what shared parenthood will be like, but there are usuallly signs. Now as a single mom entering the dating world I consider myself fortunate. I will have a glimpse at how a potential future mate will be around my own child before I make another commitment.
And yes, this man has responsibilities. He is a husband/stepparent, not a roommate. This man needs to get a reality check and mom needs to figure out if this behavior is acceptable from the man she has chosen as a life partner.
Twitter @ jeciwall
Dump his lazy a&$. No one ever changes when asked or pushed.
Twitter @ JennMangino
That must be so tough on her, so my heart goes out to her. It does make me wonder, what was he like before they married? Were there conversations ahead about parenting issues and responsibilities and expectations? I am getting remarried soon, but my fiancé and I have been living together for three years. (Whether you agree with cohabitation before marriage or not, I was gun shy and needed to know it was going to work out before I jumped in again). He does not have any kids of his own, so he was understandably nervous about taking care of a little girl. I did the majority of the parenting for a while, and over time he took on more and more responsibility. There are some things he does not feel comfortable with, including dressing, bath times, and cleaning up potty accidents. But, he takes her to school in the mornings, and watches her for me occasionally when work issues come up. Maybe this man is nervous and scared. Or, maybe the adjustment has been intense for the kids and they are acting out towards him when she is not around. Bottom line, He must have a reason for acting like this and I think a heart to heart is in order.
Jenn´s last blog ..What’s Your Target Word
Twitter @ http://www.CafeSmom.com
When a remarriage with children occurs, a family is born… a stepfamily. When this man married his wife, he also “married” her children and took on the responsibility of being a parent to them.
His role is not to replace their father but to walk alongside his wife and shoulder the responsibility. As the natural parent, I believe the mom shoulders the bulk of the responsibility yet both are committed to raising these kids.
What message does it send to the children if their stepparent is completely distant? Maybe this man is afraid he will fail. Maybe he had a negative experience with a stepparent as a child. There is always motivation for behavior.
Important to understand why he is resistant to help out.
This man can show his love and commitment to his wife by helping her with the things she needs help with. He is going to have an emotional and physically exhausted partner if she has to continue to do everything and that means she will have little left to give him.
His decision to not participate in parenting will impact his marriage.
It is my hope that these two people can have a serious heart to heart and resolve this issue.
And this situation really hits home the importance of discussing philosophies on parenting prior to your remarriage. Understanding everyone’s roles and being in agreement will make the marriage stronger and healthier.
xoxo Heather
Twitter @ http://cantitbeabout.me
I do agree that it is time for a serious talk. Did they not discuss the role he would take as a step-dad before they married? Did they and he’s just not stepping up to his promises? It seems like it’s getting to be decision time for this Mom. One point I always kept in mind during my divorce was what this situation is teaching the kids. What are they learning about male responsibility in the household? I have boys who have an absent father so I am extremely cautious that the other male role models display what a husband and father should be.
Can’t It Be About Me´s last blog ..Not Wanting it to End
Twitter @ http://scribblingsofasoccermom.com
I am getting remarried in a few weeks and the guy and I have been living together for 2 months…we bought a house so … it seemed silly to keep paying extra rents for me. But, we talked–a lot–about the kids. There are a lot of times I want to sleep in but he makes me wake up to get the kids awake. In my old life their dad would’ve just picked up the slack and woken them up if I needed to sleep a bit more. I think sometimes he feels they’re my kids and I should deal, but he will gladly jump in and help me, too. He especially does a lot around the house, including laundry, and he will pick up and take the kids wherever they need to go for me if I have to go in to work early or stay late. He’s picked up the kids from school when sick, too, while we were just dating. I don’t think I would be getting married if I didn’t feel like it was a partnership–the raising of the kids. This partnership includes their dad and his wife, too, but The Fiancé jumps in when it’s at our house.
Soccer Mom´s last blog ..Dragging
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemama.com
Well now, somebody has it made now doesn’t he. Lucky lucky man….needs to be dropped on his lucky ass. What was it like when they were dating? Were things ‘ok’ then because I find more and more woman like me who are all “Things were ok, not great but ok” and what I’ve learned is that ok just doesn’t fuckin cut it.
Is it really key to find out why he’s resistant? Can’t it just be a clear sign that he’s not worthy of this woman. She didn’t marry him to take on a large child…she married him thinking she was getting a PARTNER. He has failed as a partner, as a ‘step parent’ and quite frankly as a husband. Why the hell did he marry a woman with kids if he wasn’t going to be an active part of their lives?! Hello…..KIDS….watching, learning, taking all this in. No kid should see their mother struggle that hard with an audience watching from the sofa where his lazy ass probably spends far too much time. And if the “theyre your kids” comes up…take YOUR kids and get the hell out. He’s not worth your effort and certainly not worth having around your kids.
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..Storm
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
I think you’ve really got to have an open discussion with him about partnership and expectations. And you probably need to spend a little time alone figuring out what is acceptable to you and what is not. Ideally a conversation to have before marriage -but have it now so you stop the negative impact on you, your relationship, your kids, and your job.
If he refuses to change, you have another choice to make: move on or say “ok, I am a single mom when it comes to the kids. I’ll figure it out a day at a time.” Either way, you’re sending the kids a message.
I hope you are able to resolve this together – if not, I hope you do what is best for you and your kids.
I wish you luck – sounds like a very difficult situation.
Swati
Swati´s last blog ..Kissing Kids- Fainting Mommies
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommymakinit.wordpress.com
Get some therapy. If after that nothing improves you may have to leave in the hopes of something better… I was married to a man for 10 years who did nothing to help. I decided not to let it bother me. However it did bother me when he started to sleep with someone else and now I’m with a man who helps me so much with my house and my son I hardly recognize my life…
Twitter @ teresa_coates
Did she get married to have another father for the kids or for her? I think you run into dangerous waters looking for someone to parent a child that isn’t his (or hers).
My kids are my kids and I don’t want anyone else having a say in how I raise them and by asking someone else to play parent by picking them up from school or watching them for a week, I am also asking them to play a deciding role in parenting. And that just gets messy.
I say they are her responsibility. He married her because he loves her. Probably not so he could finally be a father.
That said from someone who’s been single parenting without a father in the picture for eleven years now. Take it all with a grain of salt.
Twitter @ sincemydivorce
This would be among my worst nightmares about getting remarried.
She knows exactly where she stands with him and yes, I think she has some soul-searching to do. In the meantime, it’s time to get that support network going. Find other moms who could help with pick-ups and drop-offs – don’t be afraid to ask because they will be happy to help and this mom can figure out how she can help them too. Even if she can get someone else to pickup two days a week, that lightens the burden and maybe she could work longer on those days so she can finish earlier on the other days.
Mandy´s last blog ..Friends and family are the most help through divorce
Twitter @ notthecar
My question is how was he before she married him? was he hands off when they were dating and engaged? If he was she’s foolish for thinking marrying him would change things. marriage does not magically make a man start being involved with the children of the previous relationship. If they bond wasn’t being built int he dating process nothing is going to change that now.
And if she knew this why did she marry him? You can’t make someone a father and every single mother with a ex who is out of the picture can tell you that. if she married him hoping for a father but he showed no interest or even any attempt while they were dating then she put herself in that situation.
Twitter @ BruceLeeEyes
Everyone that has posted a comment has valid feelings about this issue. This mother is going to ask herself some tough questions and there’s no easy answers.
Is this marriage worth saving in her opinion? If you got married to him thinking you were going to have a partner in raising the children, did he know about that? Because from his actions, I don’t think he’s aware that you expected him to help in this regard.
Communication is really crucial at this point…honest communication. You kids are observing how relationships “work” by looking at how you both handle this situation.
I do suggest family therapy, if it is at all possible and fits into your financial budget and last but not least….please don’t make any major decisions while you’re in the “valley”.
Peace & Love
Christina Smith´s last blog ..Superwoman! Whoa- slow down there a second!
I agree with J’s post, given the last two entries here. I have spent a great deal of my adult life watching family members and friends marry and blend families – all of whom did not have children of their own at the time of their marriage. I have watched them navigate the waters of caregiver/observer/ partner/helper with success and failure. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do, particularly if the children are older and the other parent is still involved in the child’s life.
That said, I think what struck me most was the husband’s refusal to take care of the children while she was away on business travel and his willingness for them to miss school. Obviously without any knowledge of where the father is located, logistics, background it is hard to say how obnoxious this is, but what it does clearly telegraph (fear or no fear) that the well being of her children are of no concern to him. The fact of the matter is as a single parent I have friends who would take my child if needed because of a work trip and stay at my house to ensure she was in her normal routine — these are my FRIENDS — not a person who I am committed to spending the rest of my life with in partnership. And this I find horribly sad.
This situation and the last one speaks to a fundamental miscommunication or complete lack of communication. You asked if the husband was justified in not participating. And I would say that is the wrong question. The fact is we are the parents of these children, and we have to make decisions that are in their best interests. When it comes to dating and marriage, there can be no stone left unturned and no question/concern not fully vetted because as said repeatedly here – our children are watching.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
1) most child abuse cases are perpetrated by a non-parent in the home, ie: boyfriend or step father.
2) he’s acting like a baby and needs put out or put in his place, there are too many men out there who see a single mom as an easy mark. She has a bigger house or apartment and is more willing to put up with crap than a non-parent.
3) When I was seven I was sexually abused by my then step father. My mom dated him, married him, and had him watch us kids when she went on a business trip. What do you think I’m gonna say about leaving little kids with an unwilling non-relative for a week?
Seriously, the guy needs to be dumped.
alley´s last blog ..I am so screwed
Alley: Thank you for sharing what must be a horrible traumatic memory. You honor this community with your generosity. Honestly, thank you is not adequate.
Twitter @ momma_sunshine
Alley, I can understand why leaving children with a non-relative would leave you feeling uneasy. But honestly? I would worry more about the charismatic, affectionate step-dad in this case, moreso than one that was a little more ‘hands off’. I’m not saying that this guy doesn’t have issues, but to jump to the conclusion that he may abuse this woman’s children while she’s away on business is pretty harsh, no?
Momma Sunshine´s last blog ..Missing Sparkle
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I don’t want to get into it, but my step father was far from charismatic.
alley´s last blog ..I am so screwed
Twitter @ preventfilicide
There are two sides to every story. My stepson is 28 now but he was 8 when I met his father. I tried to help in every possible way but was also blocked in a myriad of ways that left me with a feeling of “why bother anymore?” It always takes 2 to tango; in these cases, sometimes 3 or 4!
It says newly married mom…..so in my opinion it might be too early in the marriage for Mom to be expecting her husband to be 100% responsible for her kids while she’s out of town.
I think the father or a grandparent would be a better choice.
Also, the ages and personalities of the kids wasn’t mentioned. The husband/stepdad might not feel comfortable caring for young children or maybe his personality clashes with one of the kids. The list is endless.
Bottomline parents that get married or remarried to have someone else take over raising their kids usually end up causing their new spouse to feel resentment. I don’t think the stepparent should be forced or guilted into doing anything unless they want to.
The mom should have discussed with the father and her new spouse the possibility of her having to leave town for a week, and had things figured out before she took the new job.
Relationships take time to grow, and they grow at their own pace.
I wanted to give Alley a hug. (((((Alley)))) She’s absolutely right that there are predators out there that look for single Moms to prey on.
I was warned about that when I divorced my first husband, and I was very cautious about who I allowed around my kids.
I’m sorry that happened to you Alley.
Could you love, and live with, someone who was indifferent to your children??? Sorry, but I couldn’t even be friends with someone who met my child and was like “hmm, whatever”… let alone MARRY HIM?!!
How awful that must be for the kids who have to live with someone who doesn’t find them worth being around.
Twitter @ momma_sunshine
Alley, I hear you. My only point was that many sexual abusers are charismatic and friendly in order to build a certain sense of trust with the children they abuse. I know this from personal experience. That’s not the case in all situations, this I know. My point was that I’d be more concerned about an over-eager boyfriend who WANTED to babysit the kids alone,rather than one who was hesitant to spend time alone with the kids.
I’m in no way trying to minimize what you went through. I just thought it was an unfair accusation in this situation that we know very little about.
Momma Sunshine´s last blog ..Missing Sparkle
A husband is NEVER justified in not pitching in with his kids.
Lisa´s last blog ..Sharp R-820JS Microwave Oven updated Mon Aug 23 2010 11-02 am CDT
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
Do I feel he needs to go into full on daddy mode? Absolutely not. BUT he should be more than willing to help out. This has always been my biggest worry about dating and blending families, because you hear about situations like this all the time.
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that he can’t even pick the kids up from school. It’s such a simple task, I mean come on.
I could understand if he was nervous about being in a disciplinary role. Nobody wants to be seen as an evil step parent. But it just sounds like he doesn’t want to step into a parental role AT ALL.
Was he like this beforehand? Was any of this discussed before getting married?
Anyone I would consider marrying, I would put through some “tests.” Asking them to do simple things, that would include him in a parental role at home. ie: picking them up from school, maybe cooking breakfast before school, or watching them while I run an errands. This would make sure they’re WILLING to be my partner, and they’re WILLING to help out.
For her out of town trip, is there family nearby? Grandma, an aunt, or someone that can maybe stay at the house and help with the kids? That way they don’t have to miss school, because step-dad wants to be childish.
And I would have a SERIOUS talk with him. Tell him that while she loves, she needs his HELP, when he’s available to give it. And that if he can’t be apart of their family UNIT, then maybe this marriage isn’t going to work out. I would even try some family counciling if needed.
Even when a couple have children, men leave it to to the wife to raise the children. I’ve heard a lot of women say that even if they’re married and have children,they are still like single mothers.
Twitter @ leiamom72
I am now a member of the “Never thought it would be me” club. I was divorced in 2003. Ex husband was very abusive to me for yeaRs. It ended the day he hit my oldest child for the first time.
I started dating about a year later. Met a man who seemed to be everything I could ever want in a father for my kids as their biological dad was not really involved.
What I didn’t realize, or ignored, was what I perceived to be wonderful father traits, were actually the tip of the iceberg of an almost obssessive love he has for his own children.
We (our combined family) take the cake in award winning stereotypes. His kids can literally do NO wrong. Even though his dtr has been caUght lying, sneaking out, threatening to only live where she gets her way. His son is chronically lying, manipulative and devious.
Meanwhile, my oldest has said she will do anything to keep the family together.
He has stated that the only way he will have it is as follows: he has authority over my kids, but only he and his exwife can discipline etc. His kids. I am allowed no authority whatsoever!
He has true joint custody so his children are here every other week for the entire week.
I really believe that this expectation is unreasonable. Any advice or opinion on this is much appreciated!
I don’t see any way to make this work w/o doing further damage to my kids and myself. We have been married four years.
Thank you
Twitter @ http://babymamabrown.blogspot.com/
It is hard being a new mom. My husband does help out but mostly after I guilt trip him. If it’s the middle of the night I can forget any help unless I want groggy cranky help.
http://babymamabrown.blogspot.com/
Brown´s last blog ..Thats Why They Call Them Jugs!
Twitter @ http://babymamabrown.blogspot.com/
My husband is alright some of the time, but basically night time is out of the question!
Brown´s last blog ..Thats Why They Call Them Jugs!
Clearly a discussion regarding her now husband’s parental role with the children should have occurred before saying “I do.” Since it didn’t, my opinion is that it’s unfortunate for her, but if he doesn’t want to contribute his time then she has to live with it. Not only that but she needs to realize that her husband will probably always be 100% hands off and she should reassess the situation or end up resenting him for the duration of their marriage. Ideally a great husband would accept your children AND care for them, but some people aren’t capable of this and they shouldn’t be faulted for it. It’s too bad she wasn’t able to foresee this before it got serious.
Twitter @ leiamom72
Stephanie,
Well, I did ask for opinions and not just one’s that are warm and fuzzy.
Let me assure you that many conversations were had before I do. We dated 2 years, never living together before marriage.
However, I’m sure that you must realize that the blurb I posted earlier is but a fraction of the story.
My previous marriage had been very abusive and neglectful for my children. Had I been in a healthy frame of mind, I most likely would not have been dating in the first place. Ironically, finding a “father” for my kids was like an obsession. We all know what that leads to….clouded perception.
I am assuming that at some point in your life you have made a choice that afterward, you realized might not have been wisely made.
As I said, there is much more to my story. My focus now is trying to figure out what the next step for the sake of my children and me should be.
Thank you for your honest words of advice.
Twitter @ appleannie617
Completely unacceptable. When someone loves you they make your life better, not worse. At least as a single-single mom you can avoid the heartache of arguing with your husband about supporting you in your life (raising kids is a huge part of your life). I would really be weighing the benefits of marriage to this man if I was in her shoes.
Leiamom72- I understand where you are coming from. The father of my 1 year old abandoned me in the hospital after a c-section and returned only to never contribute time or financially. So I have made plenty of decisions blindly and wish I had picked a different path.
I also understand the quest for finding a partner after an abusive relationship. If you love your husband and he loves you too then you need to have a serious heart to heart talk expressing your concerns. If he is willing then start small. Maybe he can spend one afternoon a week alone with the kids. Don’t push that entire week on him, that’s a lot to ask of someone that is very hands off. Best of luck to you, I hope your husband comes around!
Twitter @ leiamom72
Stephanie,
Thank you for your kind words! We have had many heart to hearts. Unfortunately, I truly believe that he only has room in his heart for his children.
We have been in counseling for 2 years, I have gone individually for 1&1/2. It got so bad and my depression spiraled out of control, that I was addicted to pain meds for about 3 years. It came to an end when I was commited to a locked unit of a psych hospital after a suicide attempt. I have been clean for 5 months but will forever be a recovering addict.
So, the fight for my children and me to be happy continues! Now, with this forum I do not feel alone!:)
Twitter @ berniogley789btinternet.com
Sounds like your first husband has just walked away and has not taken on any resposibility for your children other than what he thought he should. As for your second husband well he certainly does not deserv you or your children. Sounds like a waste of space to me and by getting out means you can have your old life back without the hassel of a useless man. Not sure why he committed to you in the first place knowing you had children but yet is not willing to help.
I dont feel it it the new hubby’s job to take care of her kids for an entire week. Evenings here or there are fine, but thats a lot to heap on anyone. My EX and FATHER of my children probably wouldnt want sole responsibility of watching out kids for a week! I wouldnt be so hard on him. Truthfully, they are NOT his kids. Men think differently than women. A woman would gladly watch HIS kids for a week…but not necessarily vice versa. Its just a sad truth. I reccomend taking baby steps here. A few hours a day at first. Then move to longer periods. Hopefully he will come to feel like these are his kids too. Good luck!
its very sad he is so hands- off with her kids. if i get married, i assume that my husband would be there for me AND my daughter. we are a package deal. of course, thats something i’d definitely discuss with him, before we get married.
if you can’t count on your husband, honestly, who are you supposed to be able to count on? i’d make it very clear that if this doesn’t change, i’d be heading out the door.
It is difficult for any woman having to juggle their career and children with help from their partner, let alone without their help! I know many women that are in the same situation, at the end of the day, he is still your partner and should continue to support you regardless, after all he knew what he was getting in to.