Are you just the transition relationship?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships
“I just started dating a great guy, but I’m worried,” began an email from a single mom we know. “You see, I’m the first woman he has dated since his marriage. He’s fantastic,” she went on, “but I know – for a fact – that the first person someone dates after a major break-up doesn’t have much of a chance of having a committed relationship. Right?”
Interestingly, when we recently asked you about dating someone who’s recently separated, your comments surprised us. Rather than following a hard-and-fast rule to avoid anyone who is “recently separated” on the dating scene, many of you said that it really depends on the person.
Here’s what this mom added:
This man is the doting father of two kids. He has a great job, he’s well-educated. Oh, and he also seems so kind, giving, and open.
They also have many friends in common. So, she wonders if she should just try to keep him in the “friend zone” for a while. She wonders if maybe she should let him date other women first and “sleep with someone else before me?”
But why?
He’s in the middle of a divorce — “an easy, agreeable divorce” — and his father died recently. Talk about vulnerable!
“But that is the least of my worries,” she adds. “My biggest concern is that I’ll be the FIRST after his wife. I need advice!”
“Am I being smart or ridiculous?” she asks. “Should I just go ahead and continue dating him — and risk being the rebound woman. Or, should I let him date others for a few months?
Clearly, she’s worried about being “the transition relationship” — and getting hurt.
Have any of you been in this situation? Do you have any advice?
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Twitter @ http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com
It’s not likely that the first relationship that follows a divorce is going to be the lasting one. But that doesn’t mean it won’t. There is no reason not to give it a shot. There are no formulas when it comes to relationships.
For instance, long distance relationships rarely survive. When I moved to Northern California, everyone said the relationship between my loverman and me would never survive. It worked very well for a year. But then I moved across the country. Then people really said it wouldn’t work. “Long distance relationships never work.” But ours did. After seven months, he moved here and we’ve lived happily together in Virginia for over a year. Will it last forever? One never knows.
Every situation brings its own specific challenges. You can have no control over whether the other person is up to overcoming, but you can be sure that you are. And if they come through the trials with you, then you know you have something special because if it’s not this crisis (or life change), it’s always going to be something.
Twitter @ http://365daysofhearingwordpress.com
Like mentioned in the post: it depends.
For me, after my divorce, I was traumatized, devastated and depressed. I would have not been in any shape or form capable of having a healthy relationship.
For my friend, who is currently going through a divorce–an amicable one that is–she and her ex get along better, co-parent better and trust each other better as well—is able to have a lovely relationship with a man (the first one out of the marriage). They are in love and very happy.
I think it’s a case by case issue—and yes, I agree, hard and fast rules can be detrimental sometimes.
Does any of us have any guarantees that we won’t get hurt in one relationship or another? If he is such a great guy, live in the moment and just have fun! You could be dead tomorrow…would you really want to deprive yourself *today* of enjoying time with a great guy? Take things one day at a time…let your relationship be as casual — or as intense — as you both want it to be. Yes, it might be better to take things slowly since he’s going through the divorce, but you have every reason to enjoy yourselves and have fun! There are enough things to worry about in life…let go of the things you can’t control (getting hurt, for example) and live, love and laugh!
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I had a transitional relationship and I’ve been the transitional realtionship. The likelihood of the first relationship post divorce being a lasting one is slim.
However, I do agree that there’s always the exception and life is short. If she enjoys his company and wants to be with him then go for it. Sure, it may not last, or maybe it will and even if she gets hurt she will still gain something from the relationship. We all do – especially the ones where we end up getting hurt.
Twitter @ http://www.singleparenttravel.net
Nonsense. If you like the guy date him. If you like him enough sleep with him.
I have been a single dad (happily) for 9 years and I can tell you that in my cases the first 4 relationships after my divorce really didn;t work.
Life’s short. Live it!
@John F: Great to hear a man’s take, and thanks for keeping it real!
@Kim: We love the question you ask, so true: “Does any of us have any guarantees that we won’t get hurt in one relationship or another?”
@Cathouse Teri: We love hearing personal anecdotes, and we’re certainly cheering you on!!
Have him date me for a while – THEN he’ll be bound to marry you! The very next girl all of my exes get with is the one they end up marrying!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
well, it’s working for my ex-husband….i’m not *positive* that his live-in girlfriend was his “first” since we split up, but i think she was, and they’ve been together for almost 2 years now!
she was around for most of our divorce process, which obviously didn’t scare her off. my ex was completely done with me, so that fact probably reassured her that his marriage wouldn’t get in the way of their relationship. how long will it last and will they ever get married? that’s another story…
my advice would be to assess his feelings for his ex and their relationship. if things seem completely done there, then you should be able to treat it like any other relationship…like someone said before, there’s never a guarantee that any relationship is going to work out! good luck!
If there were an Olympic competition for rebound girlfriend I would win Gold multiple years in a row.
I have also been prebound. That couple that breaks up then he realizes he does love her only after being with me.
Honestly, I have no advice but walk (or sleep) with your eyes wide open.
Oh, stop with all the rules! Most relationships don’t work out in the end, so don’t over analyze it. What if you wait and this guy marries another ‘first’ woman? Better to have a failed relationship than regret having done nothing.
While personal anecdotes are interesting, they will never apply to you. Every relationship is unique.
oh I forgot, a man once told me
“If you’re not the first, then you’re a rebound.”
Twitter @ http://www.singleparenttravel.net
I think it is funny…the women are all over analyzing this and the two men who chime in cut to the chase!
I agree with all of you. cause life is more complicated than most of us wish. So both things can happen. Its is abvious to all that rebound is natural and happens to everyone and you do not want to be the person at the other end. It is very highly possible that it could happen. But the universe also works in mysterious ways and there is always the expception to the rule. My advice is ” the past is already gone and the future is not here so dont worry about either just live” follow your gut not your heart. It is always right.
I am looking at the 2nd anniversary of my ‘transition’ relationship. Meeting my current partner was actually the catalyst that finally inspired me to leave my ex-husband after years of drudgery. Many many people told me it would never work and our relationship is certainly not as simple as it could have been were I not divorced and not a single mom, but we love each and are each willing to work hard. You never know where/when you will find love and following a list of ‘rules’ only gives us a false sense of protecting ourselves.
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
-Lord Tennyson
The relationship I was in previous to my current was a transitional relationship and I think I can say I learned a thing or two about that rule and how it applies to your situation. I was the first woman he had dated after his divorce a few months prior. At the start, I was head over heels and I communicated to him my worries about such strong feelings and potentially getting hurt. He reassured me that he felt the same way and told me that we should just go for it…. But a couple of months passed and it felt like the relationship was only regressing, he became more and more emotionally closed off to me. He expressed to me that his divorce had been difficult, he was emotionally unprepared for it, and I sensed he was not over it, by any means. Of course I wanted to be the special woman who helped him get over her, but who are we kidding?
That being said, I think that your main tell tale sign here is that he says his divorce is easy and agreeable. Maybe it hasn’t been hard on him emotionally?? (Though I find it hard to believe any divorce cannot hurt atleast a little.) So I suggest you just take things slowly, don’t invest yourself too much emotionally until he has, and make darn sure he’s ready for a relationship.
I can completely relate with Nicole. I was also in a relationship with an amazing man, father, who was going through a difficult divorce with three young teenage boys.It was such a whirlwind experience! Looking back the only thing I would have changed was being intimate too soon. We were in a long distant relationship so we had a month before we actually saw one another to communicate on a deep level about many topics, and sharing so many similarities. We finally met and committed to making this work, even though we were 1000 miles apart. He would fly out every two weeks and he did. This lasted for three months, and then the divorce settlement took place. I will never forget the phone call I got that day. I knew in the tone of his voice we were over. He eventually pulled away, slow and so painfully for me I had to let him go. I know he needs time to heal and experience other relationships! Keeping in touch I thought I could handle and be friends with him, but It only makes you feel horrible, so with this said. Take it slow, be true to yourself. Whether you are involved with a person going through an ugly divorce, or amicable divorce be very cautious.
Well, my situation is that I am dating a man that I have known for years who is going through a divorce. He is a great guy, but has custody of his 2 teenage boys, got the house, the dogs and basically all he responsibilities to boot. We took our relationship to a physical level, just twice, but now he is scared and says he can’t give me what I want but cherishes my friendship very much. So…do I keep our friendship and date others or try to give this a chance over time? I know he has a lot to deal with right now.
@SW: Thanks so much for chiming in with your own story here. Let’s see if our readers might have something to add!
I have to agree that the transition relationships for me at least didn’t work out… I enjoyed them, but they were more of a learning experience for me than anything. BUT I always put my all into any relationship and feel like it’s always worth the risk of heartache to find true love again. I wouldn’t hold back “just in case” or you might lose out something wonderful in the end.
I too am currently involved in a relationship with a great guy, who has two great kids and a ‘almost ex’. While she is now living with the man she cheated on him with, and moved on with her life going on two years, they are not yet divorced. While I have many details here, the point I am making is that everyone has different viewpoints, and while I too am asking myself if I am the ‘transition’ woman, there are no hard and fast rules that any of us can follow.
My only question is like from a few of your other posts in that I do wonder if I would do best to end our 15 month relationship until they finalize things, or wait and see what happens. We have an extremely deep connection, and both had ex’s that were distant and uninvolved, and have much in common …I do not believe in soul mates, but we have become best friends, and the closest lover I have ever had. Plus, when together with our kids, the fit is perfect. People have even commented on us as a ‘family’, and it feels that way. I don’t want to give up what we have as they say, life is short, but staying is scary too.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
the fact is most relationships DO end. if you’re having fun and it seems “right” enjoy it for how ever long it lasts. there are no guarentees, but why miss out on some happy times? honestly, if you end it now, would it be painless? doubtful. hope for the best. love is rare, and you never know where you’ll find it.
Thanks for the feedback while I was away, and while I agree and am enjoying what we have, it will be hard on our kids if my transition ends, and we will no longer be doing things together. This man is a great Father, and shares himself with my son (something his real Dad doesn’t do), so will be tough on him if and when this ends. I am hoping we are an exception to the so called rules but only time will tell …thanks all & for now I am making the most of what I have.
I am a single mom of 3. I have been separated for 6 years.
I started talking to a great guy three months ago, he is father of 2 who was going through the divorce process. On our first date I told him that I would be glad to get to know him on a friend level but that I would not let it go further until he had settled into his new life. We took things really slow, we clearly enjoyed spending time with each other and were very much on the same page. Because of the connection we were making I let down my guard, I introduced him to my kids and I met his kids. We started doing things together with all the kids. We eventually ended up taking things to the next level. He was so excited he told everyone about me. We both had agreed that this seemed too good to be true and were waiting for the ball to drop. He got the news that his divorce was final and things went down hill from there. I started noticing that he was pulling away and even questioned if he was okay. Finally we had a heart to heart and agreed to take a break. The three months that we spent together were the best three months of my life. While I am hopeful that he will miss the times we shared and come back into my life, I am having a hard convincing myself this will ever happen. I think he still wants to be friends but I think the only way to make him miss me is for me to cut him off or limit the amount of contact with him. I’m so confused on what to do here. Should I maintain a friendship with him or limit the amount of contact? Any advise?
Twitter @ lildevilmama
Here’s my question, have she talked to him about it? If she’s got these questions in her heart then they should be discussed with him so, he understands where she stands. There are never any sure fire ways to know that a relationship will last no matter how time has passed since the separation/divorce. For example, I dated a man who has been separated from his wife for a VERY long time, three years I think, and all his relationships are transitional. He is looking for something he won’t find in any woman until he is ready to heal. But I took a chance and am glad I did, we are now okay with our friendship as-is and that’s good stuff.
I guess being an eternal optimist, I am always hoping things will work out as long as I give my 110%. Give him a shot and let him know how you are feeling.
Lil’Devil Mama´s last blog ..Sweating the Small Stuff
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
There’s a reason for all the tales about transitional relationships. We need them to work through so many things. Even if we do find someone incredible, there’s so much healing, so much inner work, so many emotions to process as you move from married to single again that it’s hard to expect anyone to want to make that first post-marital relationship permanent. And if they do, and do so too quickly, isn’t that part of why the divorce rate for second marriages is higher?
I generally had a rule to not date someone who was separated, and not date someone who was newly divorced. I didn’t want to be in this woman’s shoes. Still, I once fell for a great guy who was amicably separated & divorcing his wife of 15 years. It was a lovely romance for a brief time, but I quickly realized that he wanted to play the field even though he thought we were great together.
Lesson learned. The hard way.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..To The Manor Born? Child Support, Money Magic
Twitter @ singleguywkids
I stumbled across this post… Months later, but felt I should chime in. The reason it has taken me months to chime in is because I wasn’t here mentally. (probably never here mentally, but that’s another story)
I had some opportunities to date over the past year and a half,but held off because those ladies were in my close social circles and I didn’t want to screw things up for this very reason. I wanted to play the field. (or so I thought)
As I am finding myself again, I realized I am not a “player” and I don’t need to play the field. I am just looking for someone to have fun with and not jump into anything serious.
I agree with the other comments that say… If it feels good for the moment, go with it. Who knows if you are still with this guy since I am months behind with my comment, but for anyone else and myself included there is one key thing to remember. SOMEONE has to be the transitional person. SO you might as well make it someone you enjoy spending time with. And who knows… I see a lot more transitional relationships working out these days. (Just ask my ex) lol
Twitter @ MommyTRex2010
Aren’t all relationships rebound relationships. Your never going to find someone that has never been married, separated, or coming out of a relationship. I think maybe relationships fail because there too much thought into getting hurt and no thought into enjoying the experience for what its worth. I mean if your dating a serial cheater or a unstable person, then that’s when your mind should be in overdrive. I think most of my relationships hit the skids because of this over thought about getting hurt. I’m not saying play it stupid or dispense of common sense I am saying life is too short and sometimes you have to go all in. Since spitting with my ex, I have been out with men and I went in with my eyes open but just wanted to see where it was going as opposed to planning it out.
For another perspective…my boyfriend had ended his marriage three years before I met him and had dated a bit…at least three women that I gather he liked quite a bit. So when we grew serious I did feel conscious that he had dated women before me and those relationships didn’t work out..why would ours? I believe it’s more about trust and communicating to understand if you’re on the same page. And not caring who slept in his bed or his sheets before you.
Twitter @ Cutemom421
I am on the cusp of a “transitional” relationship. I was set up with a guy through a former co-worker. He is a divorced dad of 3. He is nice, stable and attentive. I know that I am not emotionally ready to open my heart however I enjoy the attention and the companionship. ‘Tis the season for loneliness. I am conflicted. A part of me wants to be intimate with this person,enjoy their company even when I know it has an expiry date. The other part feels guilty for pursuing a relationship that is temporary. He has expressed that he has developed feelings for me and wants to pursue a long term connection. The “devilish horny single mom” inside wants to reap the benefits without investing. I feel awful however I also feel that I have been denying myself companionship and intimacy for so long. I have told him that I want to take things slow like molasses. I suppose I should be honest about my feelings, intentions and risk losing this opportunity…not ?
In 20 years of marriage I earnt the mney and did the DIY.
Now almost post divorce (4 kids 4-18) Fighting for contact with the two little ones.
I have entered a relationship with a single mum of 5. Neither of us silly, young or starry eyed. We both acknowledge that at our age everyone has a back catalogue they bring with them.
She has raised her kids basically on her own. she is very organised and very focused. She is a strong women. I like that its OK. But the problem is she is so organised and independant I feel like there is no place for me in her life. She would sit me down and wait on me hand and foot between doing 15 jobs, and running an endless taxi service for her kids. However, couch potatoe is not my style. I like to cook she got stressed because I was in her kitchen. Everything is her way. I just came out of 20 years of that!
I do not do friends with benefits. Not my style. How do I deal with this?
We both worked out that we are acting against ‘type’ she is a little heavier than I was normally attracted too and I am an office worker type and much less athletic than her previous.
She really has bowled me over and I see underneath the warm, caring and vulnerable woman she is. I just do not know how to reach it and I do not want to get hurt myself.
Twitter @ Barblicious
In each and every aspect of life, including any and all relationships, the ONLY thing a person really cares about is how it will affect ‘me’.
All the ‘reason’ we question any action, is our fear of being hurt. Vulnerabilities or fears cause us to question our actions. Remove that fear, and just live. There are NO guarantees in this life – only that one day life will end – so just live NOW. Getting hurt is a major part of life. If you have never been hurt you are not living. Losing friends, losing jobs, pets dying, people dying, losing love… that is all life. So go get hurt! Go have a life.
Interesting post, and I think while the odds may be slimmer for the relationship to work, it will depend on the person. If you think he’s worth it, go for it while perhaps being a little cautious at the same time.