Married moms who feel like single moms? We understand
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Are you a married mom (or dad) who feels like a single parent?
One of my dearest friends fits just this description. When we first met (at the playground, where else?) she quickly confided that she felt like a single mom.
I glanced down at her enormous diamond ring … okay, whatever. Was she kidding?
As our friendship grew, however, I found out that her husband was emotionally unavailable. Sure, he was physically present every night at home — but that’s as much as she could expect.
She’d quickly adopted many of my single mom survival strategies — despite the obvious fact that she had another adult upon whom to depend. Or did she? Because whenever a crisis – big or small – struck, the burden was always on her.
If my friend’s life story is personally familiar to you — let us know! Of course, you’ll feel this way when your husband or partner simply isn’t home. Some dads –and moms — are reluctant “road warriors” who must travel constantly for business. Some couples are living in separate cities unable to find jobs in the same area.
Who can afford to say “no” these days? Any man who works on an oil rig, a remote construction site, or any job far from home leaves behind a wife taking acre of it all. For moms whose partners are police officers or fire fighters doing it all alone is part of “the job.”
We especially welcome those parents whose “other parent” is serving in the military. Lots of men become instant single dads while the moms are keeping the rest of us safe. We honor your service. And, respect the challenges your commitment creates for your family.
Lurking married sisters (and brothers) . . . please share your story. We’re always here to listen.
Single moms and dads, please tell us: Can anyone with a partner truly feel like a single parent?
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Photo via Flickr: Molly Aaker
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Twitter @ jeciwall
@whitewater atty
For some it is easier to leave, even after all avenues of reconciliation are exhausted. For me personally my sanity was at stake due to his drug/alcohol abuse and unwillingness to do anything about it or his marriage. When it started affecting my son is when I woke up and left. I decided that mine and my childd happiness was worth so much more than the he’ll we we’re living in, regardless of any vows or commitments.
E: Your story got us emotional. @SuperDuperDad summed it up. We’re honored that you shared this very painful episode (not isolated) with us. Please know you’re always welcome here. Stay in touch with us. BIG Hug!
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
@whitetrashmom80 — just to be clear:
(1) If one is in a harmful or truly abusive relationship, one *NEEDS* to leave, and do so ASAP. And I would argue that it’s more important than just being easier — it’s a necessity.
(2) No one should be in an unhappy/harmful/unsatisfying relationship. If one has tried to communicate and offer counseling and *STILL* the relationship remains broken, then, of course, one has every right to chose the path towards ultimate happiness.
I know what it’s like on both ends, I’m now just a single mom of three and it’s easier than staying married (there’s a lot more to a divorce than just no help..different story though
) it’s hard to expect a break that you’ll never get, I was thankful for my ex husband working but I was left with, cleaning, cooking, laundry, dr appts, play dates, etc…and even so now it’s hard being a single mom (of a 5th old, 3 yr old and 5 months old) but at least I never expect a break bc expecting something that wont happen isworse than just knowing bc it on it own it won’t. I think married couples need to realize children change a marriage in a good way but when all the stress is put on one parent it’s not fair bein a parent is a 24/7 job! So even tho it husband/wife is working all day, they need to still help out, bc u need a break, time to yourself to vent, relax, think, etc
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
When i was still living w/ my husband i remember telling him one time how excited i was to meet another mom. i said, “she’s a single mom like me”, which i said w/o thinking about it (until the words were out there, hanging in the air…), and his response was “yeah, you do kind of do it all, but that works best for me.”
Twitter @ ohthatmomma
I felt like a single mother at one point. After looking at my ‘situation’ I realized that I have someone who loves me. Was I just complaining? Not being mindful of this other person in my life? I thought long and hard about myself, who I was (and am), who he is and all that jazz. This is what I realized (and I said, “I.”) I had to find ways to get my husband involved in things. So, instead of assuming he was going to know what to do, I would ask him, “honey, please help me with the dishes.” He would help. Now, I don’t expect him to do very much around the home. Why? I am at home all day long! Why should he have to come home and cooke, clean, conquer the honey-do-list? He works all day, sometimes has held two jobs, just so I can be home. His way of showing me his love is by going to work, paying the bills, keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, playing games with the children, and walkibg around the mall even when he doesn’t feel like it, just because he wants to see me happy and comfy. So, for me, I don’t feel single anymore. I feel blessed and cared for. Surely.
@Ohthatmomma: Thank you so much for taking the time to share your own story. It says a lot about how important good communication is — it sounds like both you and your husband have been willing to open up, listen, and be there for each other. Bravo.
Twitter @ julieorlov
I remember the frustration and despair of feeling so alone in my marriage as well as in my role of being a parent. I found that it took more energy to try and get my spouse to help and be a real partner to me than it took for me to simply be a “formal” single mother. Once the stress of making the decision to leave the marriage and making the move to my own residence subsided, I found that being a single parent was actually far less draining than being a so-called married parent. It just goes to show you that a bad marriage is far more damaging than living your life with joy and integrity as a single person. In the end I had more energy and vitality to give my children–they regained a mother who was fully empowered and able to be fully self-expressed without repressions. It’s not your marital status that counts, it’s the freedom to be who you are, regardless. Julie Orlov http://www.julieorlov.com twitter @julieorlov
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
@ohthatmomma — Well stated. Great points and great job communicating.
I have been married for 5 years, at first he was in the Marines and I had no problem with the whole single mom type of scenario, he was serving his country and I had to do my part. He is no longer in the Marines and has not been for the past 2-3 years. Since then he has not had one job and I have worked on and off for lengthy periods of time. Now he does pay the bills with his VA benefits but even when I was working FULL TIME I still had to cook, clean, give the bath to our daughter run the errands and everything. In the mean time he is doing nothing to help, literally nothing, except Playstation. Haha. Even gave me crap about watching our daughter while I was at work. In 5 years of marriage I have never not once felt like I had a partner or someone to count on (financially yes, but thats it). I have always had to hold it down 100% by myself. Even though I have a partner I dont even get to use the bathroom alone. I bring her with me everywhere. Honestly I love bringing her its just even if I wanted 20 minutes to myself, I couldnt get it, I dont understand how I didnt get pregnant alone, am married and rasing a kid alone!! Any advice? Help me!
@Kristen: As you know, you’re not alone. We’re sending you much support, we’re here for you.
Twitter @ jeciwall
@Kristen
Sounds to me like you let this go on far too long. For him it’s time to s*%t or get off the pot. A marriage is a partnership and it sounds to me like you are a sole proprietor. Is he even emotionally involved in your daughter’s life? It’s sad if he isn’t and he should be ashamed of his lack of commitment to you and her. My advice to you would to ask him to counseling, start there and then see what the next step is. Good luck.
P.S. And I believe in being proactive, so take a night to yourself (that means NO child) and have some me time away from everything, even if it’s just you sitting in a coffee house with a good book.
Ask yourself…
Is he a great dad? A great provider? A great lover? A great friend? Go ahead and rate it on a scale of 1-10 so you know how you feel today. Do that for a month. Check the numbers. Are they related to how you feel or how he is behaving. Either way go to a counselor. You will be able to communicate to him what he can do to improve your life together. If he is unwilling you do what you can to improve things. See if your changes bring a change in him. Ask him if there is anything he wants from you that would lighten his load. What is comes down to is; how long are you willing to live like this? Answer that, then do your part. If the relationship ends you will feel confident that you did all you could and he was just not available for what you needed. Life as a single parent is hard. I do not recommend it. If my ex was good at any one of the essential componenents I wouldn’t have left. If he is deadweight. If the bills aren’t getting paid, if he isn’t spending time with the kids, if he doesn’t feed your soul, if you have to beg for basic needs food, clothing, shelter, if there is no redeeming factor, see a counselor to help you end the marriage.
Twitter @ Blk_M_S_Mom
Hi all. For a long time I felt like a single mom until about 10 months ago when I actually became one. I can’t say my life is any easier now, but it is much happier having two kids instead of 3 (add 1 immature adult). The bills are paid on time, my house is cleaner, the kids are ok, and there is no arguing or fighting. I blog about my experience as a single mom, particularly the ups and downs in my life.
My husband does not want the divorce and wants to come home. I have had enough of being married to him and feel it is time to end it. His family of course is siding with him but of course they ignore the abuse and neglect that took place over the years. I can’t speak to everyone’s situation but I can say that I prefer being a single mom, than being a married single mom.
Sarbigail: We’re delighted to welcome you to our Singlemommyhood community. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ Second2none2011
Omg… I can’t believe that there are so many people that share the same story as me. I made the decision to leave 6 months ago and I did. Not only did I have to do all of the usual mommy things mentioned above, I worked an 8 hr shift, took classes, got my BA in Criminal Justice, with honors I might add… I had to get the oil changed, get estimates on auto work, cut the grass @ times, contend with other women because he wears a police uniform & countless other things. I have to admit, inmiss the extra income & the live in sitter, but other than that, I’m good.
Twitter @ soon2bsinglemom
Just want to remind these ladies struggling with this that you are definitely not alone. I felt that way for so long and today actually happens to be the one year anniversary of when my ex and I separated. I’ve been divorced for over 6 months now and I’m happier now than I’ve been in a very long time.
Soon2b´s last blog ..A Year of Growth
If you are married, you aren’t a single mom. If your husband is emotionally or physically uninvolved, then that’s called a shitty husband and father. If he doesn’t help as much with bills, he’s a deadbeat. You are married. Your not single. There’s no competition on which is harder. Being married to an ass is tough, going it alone is tough. They are both hard. Don’t borrow a title that doesn’t belong to you so you can elicit more sympathy. Get a divorce, then call yourself a SINGLE parent. You don’t see spouses of someone extremely ill calling themselves a “feel like widow/widower”. But for some reason, the “single parent” bit is fair game.
Aimee: Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. We hope you drop by again soon.
I am the wife of a person living with Multiple sclerosis. He’s a hard worker at work and a good provider although I work full time too. Emotionally he’s very loving- and that’s it. He sleeps almost constantly when he’s home. if he is not sleeping his face is buried in the computer. We don’t do anything as a family- or socially. We never go away or out with friends. When I force the issue he goes with a face on. He has never in 7 years gotten up once with any of our 3 kids. He does not change diapers or clean. He is not responsible for anything in our household but himself. I have changed so much since being married he was not like this before either. I know his exhaustion is due to his illness- and I promised in sickness and in health- but, when it comes to his job, he finds the energy. Why aren’t we just as important?
alicin: We got emotional reading your comment. We wish we had an answer for you. His priorities — despite his significant health challenge — don’t appear to lie with you and the kids. Please stay in touch with us. You’re a new and *welcome* member of our community!
My husband travels with his job and is gone 32 weeks out of the year. It is difficult! I do everything and I mean everything on my own. I’ve found taking care of the kids to be the easy part. Fitting in is another story! I don’t fit in to single parent groups/ministries bc I am married. I get left out of several get togethers bc he isn’t here. Try going to church by yourself! I go but people stare and it hasn’t lost it’s awkwardness. Military wives have a community of support bc they are usually in bases w other women in the same position. I’m alone in my neighborhood/community. I’ve been a single mom and this is just as hard, if not harder.
@Kristin: thanks for sharing. Please know that we are here for you. Vent anytime.
dear moms,
i just happened to google “married but feel like single mom” and it’s amazing how many women feel this way…sorry men, i think you make stuff more difficult for us.
my husband never ever says positive things to me about how i raise our daughter because he thinks he can take a 20 month old baby girl to parties etc. i told him because she is so young, and extremely active that we should stick to the pool and doing arts/crafts etc. around the house. of course, he sees this as me trying to “control” the situation which is the last thing on my mind. however, at this point i’ve realized it is his immaturity that is causing our problems. he calls me a bitch in front of the baby and has started grabbing me when he’s angry. i gave up my life to live his in another country and now i’m regretting it. i’m making secret steps to get away from him…i keep playing lotto because at this point it really is just about money.
if you are thinking about being a single mom on your own, i can tell you and agree with other posters that i feel so much better and am more effective parent when i feel good about my self.
you go girls!!!
julie: We’re glad you found us! It does not sound like you are in a loving and respectful relationship. If you’re making plans to get out, please take good care of you. We’re hoping you stay in touch with us.
Twitter @ jules6273
I was a married feeling like a single mom for 13 yrs. My Ex was a truck driver 12 out of the 13 yrs, he was home every 4-6 weeks. He was home when our oldest daughter was born, but couldn’t make it in when our 2nd was born even though it was a scheduled inducement. He always put everyone else in front of his family’s needs. I decided this time last year to file for divorce. Our son took it the hardest, the girls, it didn’t seem to faze them because they were used to him not being there. I am happier, and less stressed.
Im a FLASM! My husband works 1500+ miles away, and is gone for months at a time before gettin a week home. It sux, cuz i was a single mom before we got married. The whole point in raising a family together is BEING together. He works all day, and at the end of the day hes done. I on the other hand, take care of kids, house, bills, on top of trying to work a full time job. He works hard to support us and i love him for that. He tells me how much he appreciates me and that im doing a good job with everything. I love being a mom. Its one of lifes greatest treasures, but hate doin it on my own. I may have the financial help of a partner, but thats it! Is it bad of me to want more for my kids and me? Also, how do u balance work, one kid n school, one n daycare, supper and still have time before its time for bed? Theres not enough hours in the day!
Holly: Thanks for joining the conversation. Many married moms agree with you – the financial support is great, but you miss the emotional support and comfort.
Your blog gets me through each day..
Lauren: We’re honored. You’re very welcome here.
My husband is literally married to his job first and me last. He doesn’t leave work at work, he takes it home with him. When he’s here at home, he’s physically here, but not mentally or emotionally. He takes his work-related stress/rage out on me and our 4-year-old son. He has a violent temper and unfortunately our walls can tell that story, as can the things that have been broken that belong to me or our son. He yells at our son a lot and has no interest in spending any time with him. He’s always telling our son to be quiet when he tries to tell him what he did in preschool, or tells our son to leave him alone whenever he tries to get his attention. Last month my husband took his stress/rage out on our son’s toy box by putting his foot through it. I was beyond P.O.’d at that point and I let him know it!
He is a severely neglectful husband who is extremely self-absorbed and work-obsessed, and uncaring of my extreme unhappiness. He’s verbally abusive to our son and also a neglectful father. He should be a daddy to our son but has more interest in himself and his life goals than his family. I have had severe depression/anxiety for a very long time, and it has also taken a toll on me physically (unable to eat much, can’t sleep, crying every single day), etc. Our son sees my misery and it affects him deeply and that breaks my heart. My guilt for allowing my son to be raised in such conditions is overwhelming.
I’ve been talking with my friends and family about this for over 2 years now and they all pretty much have told me the same thing: Do what makes me happy and what is best for our son. I want/have to leave for the sake of my emotional/mental/physical well-being as well as my son’s. I really need more advice though. I need to talk with women who are/have been in the same situation. I feel alone, scared, and helpless. Any advice is appreciated
Becky L: We got emotional reading your comment. Your husband is abusing you and your son. You need help to figure out how best to get what you and your son deserve — peace, safety, and happiness. Have you considered getting some counseling? Please stay in touch with us. We’re all pulling for you.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
Beck L.: I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles and my heart goes out to you. Dr. Leah makes a great point –> have you talked with your husband about counseling?
Between your depression and his anger/upset, its *possible* that professional counseling could turn your marriage around. While no one can blame you for your feelings of solitude and fear, (1) if you fear for your or your son’s imminent health, you need to plan an exit strategy immediately, (2) if you don’t believe you are in immediate danger, please, please, please consider counseling.
Twitter @ singleishmom
Becky L., that is heartbreaking. My ex was not nearly as volatile as your husband, but I chose to leave while I was still pregnant so my son wouldn’t grow up with two miserable parents. It was hard going for a while (and still can be), but we share custody and my son has two happy parents.
I second the comments above about going to counseling (and about exit strategies if you or your son are in danger), but I’d suggest two counselors: one for you alone and one as a marriage counselor. If your husband won’t go (my ex refused until I made serious noises about leaving), go on your own.
Feel free to contact me if you want to talk more, but you need to make your decision in your own time. If you are worried he will try to take custody, document document document his outbursts.
You can undo leaving by working things out with him, but you can’t undo what your son has seen: you being bullied and controlled.
Singleish Mom: Well said. I also strongly agree that this mama needs her own counselor — and a counselor to help them possibly work out their marital issues. This mama needs a safe and confidential place to express her feelings and fears.
For the first 7 years of parenthood, with a child with special needs to boot, my husband was working *all* the time and just not available. I knew I had to do it all, and gladly stepped up to the challenge. I built a decent life for me and my son that worked, and I was grateful for all my husband was doing to keep us in a community that was so good for our son. So we only saw DH for 45 minutes each night at dinner, before he had to decompress and we went into a highly structured bed-time routine?
Ah, but then we moved so DH would have a job that would not kill him and allow him to finally be a more integral part of family life. It’s so much worse now! We’re in a place with no opportunity for me, very little support for our child, and a husband with a totally erratic schedule who still expects me to do everything I was doing before. And who has not heard a word I’ve said about how awful this is. And who refuses to discuss any of the issues–because they’re only issues for me. He’s happy.
An earlier poster spoke about the awfulness of waiting for a break, or some help, that is never going to appear. Having experienced both, I can confirm her sentiments. It was so much easier knowing he was never going to be around.
And because I have a skill set that has very limited demand, I am unemployable, and therefore can’t leave until I retrain. I have no other family than my DH & child. I am in thrall.
I am here as a mom working full time that feels like I get no break whatsoever. My husband works all the time including evening and weekends, so on top of my full time job, I have full time duty of taking care of our 5 year old son. Times like this is when I get completely frustrated – He spent the last two weekends away having fun with family then with friends. I get to stay home with our son and get no “me” time while he’s having fun. I have no close friends anymore because they have their own families and actually spend time with their families. Single friends want to go out at not so kid friendly times…plus money is tight for me because I spend everything on bills, groceries, activities etc., when my husband isn’t here. My husband is great when he actually here with us. I sometimes feel like I don’t try hard enough to create new friendships that might provide me some support, but I just feel tired all the time. My son is great but wants constant attention and I feel like I don’t have enough energy to keep up with him. Weekends are almost hard than my work week. I feel so lonely and depressed.
my husband took a job in Africa when I was 25months pregnant,he skyps but we rarely discuss the baby he talks to our 5yrs old and much that is left is keeping each other updated with bills and nomal family runs,bills and so on,not once has he asked how are you?? how are you coping with all these and as am approaching my due date I cant keep up with running the house and taking my daughter to school and stay stroang,BUT NOW HERE IS THE FLIP SIDE I’ve grown closer to God,I’ve given it all to God,I watch gospel channels and read my bible,I still feel tired,sad, and alone sometimes but I have that inner joy that the God I serve is mighty and able to carry me through.I dont ask my husband for anything or start fights or pointing fingers trying to prove him wrong,I leave it all to God and to be honest alone in the house with nobody to help me I would have run mad by now but am seing God day after day and if it worked for me it can for you too
Twitter @ kriscrowkaden
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together a total of 8 years. I have been married before to a man that was unfaithful and thought I found someone with the same ideals and drive as myself. Unfortunately that’s wrong. I have always been the one, like many of you, to take care of the household maintenance, vehicle maintenance, yard maintenance, and all household tasks, including scheduling doctor appointments for our children (I have two from the previous marriage and we have one son together), taking kids to events, planning for holidays, birthdays, etc. Even planning all events for our anniversaries. It’s awful. Knowing he is there, but not engaged makes it worse.
He used to work in a factory and I thought that was why he wouldn’t help out. I thought he was worn out from all the hours he put in. I worked a full-time job, went back to college and received two bachelor degrees (sometimes taking 5 classes a semester) and still graduated with a 3.6 GPA. We moved closer to a university and to my job so that he could work part-time and go to school full-time, which was something he wanted to do.
He ended up having to withdraw from one of his four classes because he didn’t study like he should have and he nearly failed another class. He works a part-time retail job and complains how tired he is all the time, or he has a headache. I’m working over 40 hours a week, but still find time to do all my other household duties and take care of the kids and their schedules.
I finally just told him I’m not happy. I’m not happy with his lack of motivation or appreciation for anything I’ve been doing for this family. It’s wearing me down mentally and physically. I have fibromyalgia and take medication regularly, but I don’t let that slow me down. My kids need me and I make sure I’m there for them no matter how I feel or what’s going on.
He knows I’m seriously considering ending our marriage so he’s asked me to make a list of maintenance tasks he’s put off and so he’s working on them now. We’ve been down this road before where we’ll argue and he’ll be great for a while then he’ll get right back into this rut where he tunes out everyone and everything and ignores our family or participates when it suits him. He’s making it look like he’s really trying now, but I feel I have nothing left to give him. He’s worn me down to the point where I just feel nothing. I don’t think there’s anyway for him to make this work. This constant rollercoaster is literally making me sick and I’m tired of being on it.
My problem is I feel guilty. If I leave him, he only has a part-time job and I don’t know whether or not he can sustain himself. His family lives 9 hours away and they’re far from the definition of a family. (Long story) I don’t want him to not go to school, but I don’t think he’ll stay enrolled. I want him to be a better person, especially for our son.
When we fought last year he thought I was pushing him away because I now had a higher paying job and was able to fully take care of everything (all because I went to college). To me the job allows me to take care of the children, but it’s not the reason I was pushing him away. I was just tired of carrying the load.
When I come home tonight he will show me all he’s accomplished, but this is only one day….I know I’m not going to react like he would want me to. I’m numb inside. I feel for him because he’s the father of my son, but that’s where it ends.
I really don’t know what to do. I want to make sure he’s financially ok too should we split up. I’m thinking of waiting until after the holidays to give it one last chance to see how it goes and if I don’t see some regular improvements then I’m afraid that’s it for us.
Kristine: You’re in our thoughts. Please stay in touch with us.
Amen sister!
My husband always has some big project.. that has just exploded.. so he’s gone all the time… if he is home he’s on the computer playing games. Everything I say is wrong. Yells at the kids. He threats them to make me do what he wants. we been to therapy, but when the therapist mentions that what he is doing might possibly have some small part in our relationship problems. He is out the door of the therapist office. There is no where to go. My sisters say I have to stay.. which is code for you can’t stay here. we won’t help you.
We have 5 kids.. 16,9,7,4,and 2. and I have no occupational skills. I have practically given up the thought of leaving.. how would we survive? even therapist tell look at our situation and say… to look at it as “i am choosing to stay because I am doing what I think is best” so i feel like I have personal power.
But there is no power.. I have the power to be silent.. so he doesn’t attack. i have the power to close myself off.. so he doesn’t hurt me. I have the power to be the maid, not rock the boat, and things go smoothly. no yelling. no spitefulness… just pretend.
it’s been 10 years of hell, and my only solace is to know that i just have to depend on me. to wrap it all up.. swallow my voice.. Don’t ever let him touch me (emotionally) I have to (phyically or then the kids get it)
but to hear how wonderful it is to be free… i wondered if the loneliness, the quite deperation would be so bad.. it sounds beautiful.. freedom over oppression. day after day of loneliness. i have even taken solace in that this life is better than being in an actual prison…. I get to see my kids everyday.. buy them presents, clothes, where would they be with out me?
I was a single mother with the first one.. and it is much harder for me to be a FLASM, because at least I could date. Her dad would have visitation two weeks a year (so I had a break)… and there was HOPE that things could be different… that a nice guy would come my way… that something, someday might be different.. that i’d get that raise.. that someone would like me for me…AND i didn’t have live with a ***hole that hurts us, whose cloud lingers in the air even when he’s not home.. and when he is… it is so oppressive that we can hardly breathe. and knowing… that if this is what he does when he “loves me” what will he do if I tried to divorce him… I can’t even imagine what sick twisted scenario he would play..
it seems like a fairytale to leave, a brillant beautiful fairytale! and perhaps I’ll work on getting marketable skills, and perhaps… find someway to leave.. all in all… my sentence is only 16 more years… and I might get time off for good behavior.
Twitter @ singlemombooks
I’m going to say no, married moms are not completely like single moms. I was married, then a divorced single mom and now a remarried mom. Being married, even if to a jerk, is different (not better, just different). The other person provides (theoretically) financial support, physical presence, and hopefully emotional support. However! Being married to the wrong person feels horrible, too, because it’s inappropriate to have male friends, if your husband isn’t around, it is hard to attend church or go to parties by yourself. Another entire topic of conversation is the “divorce flu” — many times friends of the divorcing set become scarce because they don’t want to “catch what you have.”
But … I have never heard someone who went through a divorce wishing they had delayed the divorce – they always say they wish they’d done it sooner, right when they realized the marriage was over, as a matter of fact.
If you’re in a relationship that doesn’t nurture your spirit, provide all of the basic support you need, and/or is abusive, you owe it to yourself and your children to change it, accept it, or eliminate it. It’s a whole different world, being married to someone wonderful who is a true partner — and you can’t prepare yourself for that possibility while still in another relationship.
Blessings!
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
Laura needs a different therapist. No professional should tell anyone to stay in a physically or emotionally abusive environment.
As to the occupational skills, I hate to be mean but I call bullshit. I had my first at 17 I had no help and no skills. You have older kids that can help you with the younger ones. You would qualify for state daycare aid and full financial aid for school.
There ae people in our society that have a stake in convincing women that we are helpless. You are not helpless you can survive without his income and you can take back your will and your power.
I apologize for sounding harsh, but I have no patience for people who play the victim but take no action to improve their situation.
Twitter @ singleguywkids
This is a feeling I think most of us SINGLE folks feel when our marriages are running on empty.
The truth of it is that I found not much has changed since I have been on my own with our kids. Granted I am getting really good at laundry, still suck at cooking and don’t have the luxury of running out to the store as much as I used to, but it’s all good!
I know many people in this situation and for whatever reason, they just stay. Everyone is different and have different reasons for “sticking it out”. For me personally however, I would prefer to be in no relationship than an unhappy one. Unfortunately not everyone agrees with me.
Twitter @ Cutemom421
Aimee, I agree with you. A unsupportive, emotionally unavailable husband does not mean that you are a single parent. In an effort to connect with other single parents I joined a meet up group. The evening that I attended there was a handful of men with their kids for the night. They immediately tried to say ” I know what you are going through” uh no you don’t! Bring your ex-wives here and we will talk about lack of sleep, 24/7 care, doing everything with a new born in tow. Yes I am aware that there are Dads that are truly single parents. This group was not. I feel empathy for moms in bad relationships but it is just not the same. My childs’ physical, emotional, financial needs rests completely on my shoulders. Moms, if any of you are in an abusive relationship..just know that you can do it on your own. You will find strength and resilience. You will be happier. Every day gets easier!
Anybody ever hear “You shouldn’t have opened your legs if you couldn’t do your job” when asked to watch his own kids?
I am mother of an almost 17 month old baby and 32 weeks pregnant, I started feeling like a married single mom before my first one was born, it was like a case of the body snatchers, at the beginning when my husband started becoming absent, chore wise, emotional wise, I started pointing it out (we were very open and honest) he was very apologetic, but little by little it started getting worse and from apologetic he became completely different, if i mentioned anything about chores, well i didnt work so i might as well really start cleaning the whole house everyday because he did enough bringing money in; then the baby came and i wasnt cleaning right, cooking right, why did i need to wake up everytime the baby cried, why colorful plastic toys everywhere, why did i needed to pump milk, why couldnt i be more like other moms like at church, make such a big deal out of the baby, if the baby was supposed to adapt to us not us to him, anyways it was true hell… Still i stayed with him because i come from a broken home i didnt want to repeat the story, but things kept going downhill, i tried to leave a couple of times, and honestly when he brought up the topic of a second baby i literally had a panic attack, but as i kept planning to leave, i really didnt want my son to be alone, i am an only child, my father always out of the pic, my mom passed away a couple of years ago, and even though our relationship wasnt great, the feeling of being alone in the whole world was horrible so i agreed to have another baby and surprise surprise, it has been hell… Right now we are in counseling and it seems that is helping but sometimesmseems too slow and too late… I think what really gets me is that im not expecting anything from him that he didnt offered you know? I didnt chase him to get married or have children… I didnt put promises in his mouth… Im not angry but more heartbroken