When kids’ birthdays and co-parenting schedules clash
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Dads
We recently heard from a single mom who posed an interesting post divorce dilemma. She and her ex have only recently signed the final papers – and are trying hard to make co-parenting work. Although they worked hard to iron out every detail, unanticipated complications inevitably crop up – we get it. So, when this mom reached out for advice about just such an unexpected difficulty, we rushed to share her situation with you.
Here’s the story:
“Our little boy just started school this year. It’s the first time I won’t see him during the day on his actual birthday. By the time, he gets home from school, it’s 4 PM, ” she began.
It’s “her day” with her son, but, obviously, Dad would also like to spend time with their son on his birthday. But, if he picks him up at 5:30 PM - bedtime is 7 PM – Mom will have little time with her son on his actual birthday.
These co-parents understand that this is actually the first of many *big* days they’ll need to negotiate fairly.
So, this mom – Dad is an avid reader, too – would love to know how other co-parents handle special occasions – like birthdays.
Does two birthday celebrations – one with each parent – work best?
Or should these parents celebrate with their son together?
Or is celebrating their son’s birthday together not a good idea.
Do they run the risk of falsely igniting their son’s hope that his parents might get back together?
Please share: How do you handle kids’ birthday celebrations as co-parents?
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Photo via Flickr: Kristen Huntley
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Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
I have a couple of pieces of advice for these parents:
1) Put it in the custody agreement if this is such a big issue. Alternate years.
2) Mom (and maybe Dad too) might want to accept the idea that the specific day isn’t as important as the celebration. I’ve done this for many years with birthdays and holidays. I honestly don’t remember if I had my kids on their EXACT birthdays last year, honestly. I threw parties for each of them and we did special things (as did their dads, I’m sure) but in the end, my kids and I have memories of having awesome birthday parties last year, and the specific date really doesn’t register in the long run.
3) On that note, if the kid is of the age where it’s time to start throwing parties with their friends, having that party at a neutral location and having both parents present might be an option. I’ve done this with my kids…it’s honestly nice to not have to shoulder the weight of the party on my own. Having it in a neutral spot (park, bounce spot, Chuck E Cheese, etc) with each parent coming and leaving separately shows mom and dad get a long, but aren’t together.
I have more separate parties for my kids than I do with their dads these days and, again, I can’t honestly tell you if I saw my kids on their actual birth dates or not…because it honestly didn’t end up being that important. I didn’t have my kids for Christmas this year, but my kids can’t stop talking about their awesome Christmas with Mama, so I think the actual date isn’t super important to them either.
Twitter @ staceyntexas
The ex and I have been divorced for a little over a year. It was a pretty ugly divorce, but we are getting along much better now. Our five year old son just recently had a birthday and I had assumed we would have separate parties for him like we did last year (there was alot of bitterness last year given the recent break up). This year, however, we decided to do the party together and share in the expense (the ex’s idea). It worked great! Our son got to have his friends and all of his family there with him and he was so happy! We were so glad we made the choice to do it together and there were no weird moments with exes and in-laws!
Twitter @ http://aprettygoodtime.blogspot.com
We all celebrate together, which often includes my parents, plus his girlfriend and my boyfriend. We have had our share of bitterness and anger, but most of the time we all get along well. When things aren’t as friendly, we have chosen set it aside for holidays and birthdays and it’s not been tense. We’ve been divorced almost 2 years and have a 5-year-old and an almost-8-year-old. We will all be together to celebrate her birthday this weekend, in fact.
Twitter @ 5ksandcabernets
I get along pretty good with my son’s mother since we broke and so we have spent birthdays, Christmases, and Thanksgivings together. I figure it’s only three days out of 365, so we put up with each other for him. It’s also helped that during each of those holidays, I have not had a significant other, so I’m sure things will change when my relationship status changes.
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
It made me think twice about continually linking and was a major factor in my deciding to mostly just do my own thing.
I think Kevin brings up a really good point….in those first couple of years, it’s still transition and it’s pretty easy to do things “like normal”. Eventually most of us partner up again and it’s reasonable that our new partners might not want to have to do holidays with our old partners. I have a good friend who’s struggling with this now…..her and her ex did holidays and b days together for three years. Now she’s in a serious relationship and 3 years out of her marriage is only NOW starting to extract herself from joint celebrations with her ex. Now that her child is older it’s proving to be incredibly difficult for them.
Twitter @ lildevilmama
My son has never known Mom and Dad together and we have never had a mutually good relationship…ever, but we have made an effort to always do a celebratory birthday thing together. And, I always throw the party for the families and his never shows, nor does he. It’s awkward for them and I get that. So, now that our son is five with school friends I am looking forward to having a joint ‘kid party’ and letting everyone suck it up as grown-ups if they want to participate.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with maybe having dinner together on his birthday to celebrate, and then planning separate family stuff. If you’re getting along and things are good, then I don’t see the harm in showing your son that even though you’re not together you are still his parents and want to share his special day with him together. Then on your weekends, you can celebrate individually if that is something you want to do.
Sometimes I think when we think about this stuff we over-complicate things with ‘time’ and ‘sharing’ and trying to figure out how not to step on each others toes, when in reality we need to stop and think about not stepping our kids toes.
It took some time but now my ex and I celebrate all big milestones together with our 3 kids, my fiancé and whomever he is with at the time
. I would give it a year or so first… Things are still raw I’m sure for this family. Ultimately, it’s about the kids and what they are comfortable with. My kids love both of us so… We accommodate!
Twitter @ chopperpapa
While I appreciate these parents willingness to be part of their child’s birthday, depending on the kid’s age, if there is a party involved he isn’t going to care all that much.
In this situation there’s two schools of thought.
1. Celebrate it together if it will not be too uncomfortable for the parents, choose a neutral place and just enjoy themselves with their kids. No muss, no fuss.
2. Dad decides to allow mom to have her day, since it is on her day, and he can celebrate with junior the next day or whatever.
I’ve been at this for 7 years and honestly the kids don’t care, it’s the parents that make the big fuss about it as if it’s a sign of poor parenting that we don’t see the kids on their EXACT birthday. Big deal.
I’ve not seen my kids on their exact days and other times I have. They are totally cool with it. And frankly, the more parties they get the happier they are anyway. I have always celebrated separately.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
While every parent wants to be with their child for all the child’s milestones (birthdays, holidays, report card days, first time actually swimming, etc.), co-parents need to understand that such all-appearances isn’t going to happen.
Splitting 2.5 hours after school on a child’s birthday isn’t very realistic and can be tough for a young child. That idea really isn’t in the best interest of the child — unless the child SPECIFICALLY wants to see both parents on his/her birthday (which would be unusual IMHO). The solution most likely lies in some of the following options (as mostly discussed above):
(1) ALTERNATE HOLIDAY AGREEMENT — If it is important for each parent to spend time with the child on the ACTUAL birthday (and to many people it is), then you should carve out an every-other-year agreement in your Divorce Settlement Agreement. This way, it’s fairly divided.
(2) THE DAY DECIDES — Without the agreement, the co-parents can just live with whichever parent is with the child on that day. Most likely, this will alternate evenly over time, and causes little transition disruption.
(3) CELEBRATION IS REALLY IMPORTANT — Birthdays are really just arbitrary days — it’s the CELEBRATION that matters. My son’s last two birthday parties with me (and his family/friends) have been a few days after his actual birthday, and from my gauge he’s had a blast each time!
(4) FRIENDS PARTY SHARING — When your child gets to the age when HE/SHE actually wants to invite specific friends, I’d recommend that you and your co-parent try to have a joint-age-appropriate party. No child wants to have his friends try to decide which party (Mom’s or Dad’s) to go to. You can always have ANOTHER party with your family/friends at another date.
Good luck! And remember, most important is what’s best for the child — not what is best for either parent.
I just recently went through this for my son’s 9th birthday and it was the first milestone we hit since our divorce proceedings began 6 months ago. Our divorce has been ugly at times, but it was really important not to spoil our child’s birthday. I planned a party that we hosted for our son with his friends at a neutral place. On his actual birthday, I was with my son at breakfast (he lives with me) and gave him breakfast in bed and that evening he had a special dinner with his father. We then did separate special things on our respective weekends.
I agree with the above post that having to be with your child on the actual day shouldn’t be such a big deal. I think that what’s most important is that your child knows that you are both there to celebrate them, so no matter what your feelings are towards your ex, those feelings have to be put aside in order to show a united front of co parenting.
To be honest, we’re always so busy at these birthday parties that we hardly have time to talk to anyone – let alone one another – and our child would rather be having fun with his friends to even notice us! A big perk for me was that it was my ex’s weekend the day we had the party, and after it was over, I went home and took a nice long nap!
Twitter @ singleguywkids
My ex and I worked out in our divorce agreement that if one of the kiddies has a birthday and it falls on the other parent’s weekend, thus one parent won’t see the child for a couple of days, that the parent without the kids would get two hours alone with the birthday child.
While it’s not perfect it is a way that our children will at least get some time with each of us.
Good Luck and I hope it all works out!
Twitter @ http://www.farfromflawlesslife.blogspot.com
I didn’t get to read everyone else’s response. What we do: Go out to eat together (neutral territory) and both parent’s are always invited to the party (which is usually at my home). Regardless of my relationship with ex, we are still always going to be Mommy & Daddy. They do not get confused, but just know this is the way our family works best.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
why to you have to celebrate on the actual day? when i was married my ex would usually be out of town or working for the kids b-days. i can only remember 1 party that he was at (3 kids) over the years. but we always had a family dinner at home (whenever “dad” coud make it) and had birthday child open their family gifts then, and had another cake.
this christmas my ex had the kids for christmas day. we had our celebration when they came home. i don’t think any child is ever going to object to MORE celebrations in their honor.
i have a restraining order against my ex, so their won’t be any joint celebrations. when your kids are older they’ll be going out with their friends on their birthday, things change.
Twitter @ momma_sunshine
My ex and I have done both – had separate “special days” for the kids, and we’ve celebrated it together. Honestly, I think it matters less to the kids that these “special times” are on their actual birthday than it does to the adults. The important thing is that the parents acknowledge and celebrate their kids’ “special day”.
For my situation, I’ve found that my girls enjoy it best when we celebrate “all together”. My relationship with my ex is such that we’re comfortable having joint celebrations as a family, and our daughters LOVE having both parents together. If you’re able to do this (and I do recognize that everyone isn’t) then I think that this is the likely the best way to celebrate for your kid.
Twitter @ singledadsrsexy
This is our first year being apart. My soon to be ex wife had an affair and is now in a relationship with the man. Needless to say, I cannot be around her or him. At this point, we let the birthdays be determined by who has them on that day. My son’s birthday is in a few days and he is all fired up that he gets multiple celebrations. I have the kids this weekend, so I get to celebrate with him first. He seems to be very happy with that arrangement. I believe the kids care about seeing each parent on their actual birthday far less than we think. The important thing as a single parent is to be highly involved in their regular lives.
Well its really hard situation for co-parents to celebrate their child birthday.But i think the child will enjoy with both presence not the single one.That means they have to celebrate it together.