When grandparent behavior upsets a single mom
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
When the Singlemommyhood community shares personal truth about how our parents are involved – or not – in our daily lives, our challenges are obviously quite different. Some of us get lots of help from our parents. Other parents withhold help because they don’t agree with our choices and demand we confront a relationship partner we’d rather forget. Frankly, we know there are many troubling issues related to your own parents – and in-laws – that we’ve not discussed. So, when this single mom contacted us with a troubling parent issue, we rushed to share her thorny dilemma with you.Here’s what this single mom shared with us:
“I’m a twenty-seven year-old never-been-married mother of a four year-old daughter. The bio-dad is not – never has been – involved,” she volunteered. “My parents have been quite generous. My mother lived with us when my maternity leave ended so that my daughter didn’t need day care immediately. Financially, they’ve helped with expenses. And I’m grateful.”
This mom values extended family relationships – especially since this little girl’s father is absent from her life. Unfortunately, her parents view this mom and her daughter as their children – not a separate family. Practically speaking, this means that her mom and dad behave towards their daughter – and granddaughter – just as they did when this mom was growing up.
This mom’s parents do and say things that threaten to destroy trust. Specifically, these grandparents routinely yell, guilt trip, and name call. Her dad has called her “slut” and “brain damaged” in front of her daughter. Eventually, he apologizes. Such words – as we all know - are emotionally damaging. Dad has never spoken to his granddaughter in this way, but overhearing such words is simply not healthy.
This single mom now faces a terrible dilemma. Her parents are her closest and most dependable supporters. And her daughter has forged strong bonds with her grandparents. But, her parents create – at a minimum – an atmosphere of negative self-worth. This is not how this mom wants to raise her daughter. She well understands the emotional damage her parents’ behavior inflicts.
So, this conflicted single mom needs YOUR advice:
Can you relate to the issues she faces with her parents?
Is it possible to keep her parents an integral part of her daughter’s life despite their questionable behavior?
If so, what steps can this mom take to protect her daughter from the emotional damage her parents inflict?
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Photo via Flickr: Lotus Carroll
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Twitter @ http://semanticallydriven.com
I think she’ll need to sit down with her parents and tell them how these things hurt and affect her. That she also really appreciates their help but what they’re saying is damaging her and her daughter and she doesn’t want to be exposed to that sort of talk. Explain that some ground rules need to be setup perhaps. I don’t know if moving out is an option but if this continues then that might need to happen.
It’s a blurry line between parents and parenting. Like this mom, my parents have been supportive, financially and emotionally. But I realized relatively early on that I had to draw clear boundaries with them because often when well intentioned, they too treated me like a child and questioned my parenting openly in a way they never did my married siblings. I actually mishandled the situation and allowed resentment to build up to the point where it exploded. I don’t recommend swallowing her feelings but I would caution her to go into any conversation understanding the following:
1) Your parents are unlikely to change. Change is hard and it is even harder in the child/parent relationship. Talk to them about wanting to change your relationship and that while she is ‘their child’ she is no longer a child, but a mother and caring for a family of her own and wants to be treated as such. You can draw the line, but understand your parents may not be easy to come along with you.
2)Don’t go into it with a list of examples of what has hurt you, but come from a place of gratitude for all their help. Acknowledge all they have done to emotionally and financially help out and that you would not have gotten through the last 4 years so successfully without them. Then transition to make the point that as a result of that help you want to own the responsibility of your family and be treated as such.
3)One of the big ways I drew the line is not inviting my parents opinions into my choices and decisions, especially when it came to money. With my parents the challenge was when I financially needed assistance it came with their opinions. I think that is one concession you need to be prepared to make. If you need their help financially, they are going to have something to say about it more often than not. Respect it, even if you don’t agree with it. I have found when I give the respect I expect, things go much smoother.
Finally, I found the sentence that her father called her a slut troubling. My parents were extremely disappointed in me when I told them I was pregnant and very vocal about their disapproval of my choices. At no point along the way were they derogatory in the way that is quoted here. That said, my mother was so negative that at one point I stopped speaking to her during my pregnancy. I told her the time/place for her opinions was now over, I had made my decision and choices and if she couldn’t accept them, there wasn’t a role for her in our lives. It was an extreme moment in our relationship, but I thought it was vital for my self worth. She came around in time and we are better for it. I think the next time this type of negativity happens she needs to address it on the spot, in the moment. Both for her own self worth and to show her daughter an example of valuing herself.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I’m going to come at this situation from a slightly different viewpoint. Let’s pretend this 27-year old is not a mother, but simply an adult relating to her parents.
Under no circumstances is the name-calling, guilt tripping, or undermining of this woman’s self-esteem acceptable. From the description of her situation, it sounds like at times, her parents are wonderful.
When do the flare-ups occur? Is something other than her behavior contributing to their stress? Health issues? Job worries? Money worries? Concerns about her and her future? Is there a way for this woman to sit with one parent and then the other and speak calmly – or sit with them together and speak openly – not about their granddaughter, but the relationship she has with them, how she values it, if there is something she can do so their relationship is strengthened?
As for her child, she will need to draw more clear boundaries, as others have said. I’ve been there (very different scenario) – it’s extremely difficult. We love our parents, even when we see their flaws, as our children will love us, eventually fully aware of how imperfect we are, but that most of us do our best.
One last thought – perhaps she could sit with her mother and say to her – “here’s how I’m feeling; what would you do if you were me?”
She might also try turning the tables in another way so as to stimulate discussion – “How can I be a better daughter to both of you – while still being the best possible mother for my daughter?”
Twitter @ http://www.parentinganddating.com
There are layers of issues here. I think this family needs some guidance in communication and meta-communication (communicating about how they communicate, especially in front of a child). For this, often a professional can help. I sounds to me like the grandparents love their granddaughter and would not try to hurt her intentionally. I’m wondering if they are even aware of how damaging their words are.
I think the grandfather, still has anger about how his daughter got pregnant. When exhausted, and defenses are down (and kids can do that to you), that anger comes out. It is, however, important to remember that this is still their daughter. She is still their little girl no matter how old. Them trying to discipline their daughter or be condescending to her is reflexive. In their eyes, she made an irresponsible choice, got pregnant, and they are helping her do what she cannot do on her own. These grandparents are once again put in a parenting role. Their daughter and granddaughter are NOT a separate family. You are a separate family when you can take care of your family and not expect others to do it for you. I do not believe in verbal abuse. I DEFINITELY do not believe in scolding the parent in front of the kids. Anyone can make mistakes and life can throw many twists and turns. But it would NOT be a good decision for the mother of this child to separate her girl from the grandparents at this point. Unless she can support herself and her daughter, and allow her parents to be in their appropriate grandparent role, she would do her kid a disservice by alienating the 4 year old from the grandparents.
There are many family therapists out there. And if the parents of the 27yr old mother wont go, the young woman can go by herself and learn useful communication techniques and coping skills. If finances are an issue, there are mental health clinics that would take this case on a pro-bono bases or just offer a sliding fee scale. If the daughter is interested, she can Google for mental health centers, non for profit counseling agencies and/or even local psychology or clinical social work programs.
Twitter @ divorcedpauline
The parents seem invested in making their adult daughter the identified patient. I would not invest energy trying to get them to empathize or work on communication skills. If they’re babysitting the grandchild there is no way she can control what they say when she’s not there. If I were this woman, I would try to become as independent as possible, especially financially. I would build up my friend support network so I have other people to rely on besides these parents. At that point she can draw firmer boundaries with the parents because she won’t be as dependent on them. When they see her as stronger, they may change the way they speak to her.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Here’s a couple of things for this mom to consider. I am not aware of the living situation that she has, is she living with the parents? If so and she has the ability, even if it would be uncomfortable for a while, she needs to try to find a place of her own. Whether she wants to admit it or not, in many ways she still is their teenage daughter. The mom said it herself that she depends on them including financially. She needs to consider hopping out of the nest even if there may be some unknowns. The longer she stays in her current situation the worse it is likely to become.
Now if disconnecting more directly isn’t an option then she needs to be very clear in her communication, especially her father, that his type of behavior will not be tolerated. I am afraid that this mom is going to have to put her foot down more firmly. And the only way that she can protect her daughter is remover her from the situation.
Twitter @ http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/
This situation is all too close to home for me. Having to turn to parents that have raised you with constant negative messages about yourself is difficult. Having to be indebted and dependent upon their help is a HUGE burden. They will not change. And since you are still dependent upon them, neither will your relationship. And many reading this would say,
“Why do they have to?” “At 27 years old this woman shouldn’t be depending on her parents anymore” “They should be retired and able to relax in their later years”. Should is a stupid word. What it implies, the ideal situation, doesn’t exist so giving it any attention is a waste of time. This is not the ideal situation. And the reasons they (your parents) feel they have a right to still treat you like a child are non-existent as well. They are not helping you with your life they are helping you with your child’s life and they are doing that because of the dead-beat parent who decided to not participate. MANY people negatively judge single parents primarily because MANY people just LOVE to throw stones- as if that’s some sort of constructive contribution to the situation. Really? I’m sure I could use the stones to build a strong foundation but not if I’m dizzy or knocked out because you threw them at my head. You want to throw stones- try handing them to me instead. Then maybe I can be constructive with them. Your parents have to realize, and so do you, that they are not doing YOUR work or caring for YOUR responsibilities the way they did when you were a child. They are caring for the dead-beat parents responsibilities. That’s the person who is obligated to financially provide for your child. That’s the person that’s obligated to share care of the child while you are at work. That person is not doing so and so all that work has to fall on someone else. If you were rich I’m sure you’d hire a nanny but how many of us are Murphy Brown- right? Either way the insurmountable odds stacked against single parents requires that we become BOTH nurturer AND provider and those two things just can’t be done simultaneously. Without the other parent’s assistance – and that’s really the difference between SINGLE parents and ONLY parents, single parents still have that other person around to help. Only parents ONLY have themselves and whatever resources they can come up with- you need help to subsidize for that loose of help. That’s what you’re parents are doing. Making up for the dead-beat. If they’re angry at anyone, they should track him down. Now I realize that in some situations it’s safer for that bio-parent to have ABSOLUTELY no contact, maybe even knowledge of the child. If that is not your case, if it’s not an ABSOLUTE safety issue- then your first step to relieving some of the strain on your parents is to OPEN A CHILD SUPPORT CASE. This does NOT necessarily entitle the bio-parent to visitation. That’s a WHOLE OTHER CASE. But as soon as paternity is established then financial contributions are LEGALLY OBLIGATORY in ALL 50 states! Some states provide for the child until they are 21 instead of 18. Now child support has it’s own issues, which yes, you’ll have to deal with. It’s FAR from a perfect system. BUT at least your parents will see that you’re standing up for them and all the work they’ve been doing. More importantly they’ll see that the work they’ve been doing has been that other person’s work, NOT your work. You’ve been working over time. If they’re treating you the way you describe and talking to you with bitter/hurtful words, it’s because they are angry and frustrated and don’t see that right now. They’re still blaming you for burdening them. You aren’t the one whose work they’re doing. They’re compensating for that other parent who has decided to be MIA. Lay it out for them. FILE with the courts! Stick up for yourself and show your parents you’re NOBODIES door mat.. not theirs and NOT this dead-beats!!!
Twitter @ singlemombooks
I agree with @parentingdating and @Chopperpapa: therapy and a new place to live are the first and most important goals here (in my opinion, of course). Is it equally as important to watch what you say and what you do in front of your children? I think so. Our kids are watching our every move, and recording our every word (a scary thought, I know), but this makes the short-term critical as the age of her child is a particularly important time in a child’s growth and development.
If she’s not living on her own, I think that would be the first goal (even if it takes some time to financially get that handled). In the meantime, find other places to be during those waking hours. Additionally, if you don’t ask, you don’t get: so ask the grandparents to watch their words and actions, preferably in a therapeutic environment where a non-biased, non-emotionally involved third party can validate the importance of this.
Finally, it’s important that she ensure she doesn’t take on those behaviors toward her daughter and her own grandchildren someday.
I know from personal experience it IS POSSIBLE to break the chains of bad parental behavior (what’s been modeled) and decide to do something new, different, and better. My parent are a (THE?) prime example of how not to be parents, and I had to consciously decide to not only not do what they did, but to choose to do things differently with my daughter. I’m not always perfect, but I sure do notice when what was modeled for me is coming to the surface.
Blessings for an amazing life, single mom!
its hard to be a single parent on your own, with no outside help. i’ve been doing it for 3 years, ever since we moved out of state, & left the majority of both of our families behind. it is extremely difficult at times. its especially hard not having much of a social life, because i can’t afford a babysitter, & there isn’t anyone to watch her for free anymore. it sucks getting assistance from the state to help pay for daycare so i can work. but now i am extremely independant, & i don’t lean on my parents or my daughters family for anything, & whether they want to or not, they have to respect me for it. they have nothing to hold over my head. and even though its a constant struggle, i like it much better this way.
if this woman has to apply for wic or foodstamps or daycare assistance to help her get out from under her parents thumb, she should do it. the less help she needs from them, the less of a hold they have on her. that will lead them to accepting that she & her child are their own family. sure, she should also get child support for her child, but something tells me that may not be a dependable income. my daughter’s father hasn’t seen her in 3 & a half yrs, & owes me almost $8,000, and they garnish when they know where he works, but once they start garnishing, he quits & gets another job. when she is finally on her own, not depending on her parents, she should sit them down when her child is not around, & talk with them, lay down the rules about what type of talk is acceptable in front of her child. assure them that she is grateful for all they’ve done, & she wants them to be an active part of their grandchild’s life. but when they disrespect her, they teach her child to disrespect her, and that is unacceptable. when she starts acting more like a parent & less like the teenager her parents are seeing her as, things will change for the better.
just my opinion, speaking from my personal history with my family.
Twitter @ zaharas_mommy
There’s a terrific commercial on one of the children’s channels (I think it’s Nick Jr.) that shows adults doing horrible things and acting irresponsibly, aggressively, or just selfishly, as if they’re being recorded by a small video camera. Then the camera turns around and it’s their own kids’ eyes and ears doing the recording. Your child is absorbing every second of you being degraded, and the fact that it’s being done by people she trusts just as much as you makes the message that much stronger. This is how women are treated OR this is the amount of respect mommy deserves. Worse yet, when she’s old enough she’ll realize what part of mom being a slut refers to her OWN birth out of wedlock. Great material for low self-esteem, depression, etc.
Living with our parents again after becoming an adult, and most importantly, a parent, is NOT easy even in the most positive of environments. We’re still their children, no matter how old we are, and there’s always going to be a butting of heads and an overlap of authority. But there should NEVER be a harmful affect on your child! I’m living with my parents, too, and I’m dependent on them for the roof over our heads, paying bills, putting food in our stomachs and clothes on our backs. Child support is nonexistent because the bio-dad moved out of the country to avoid paying. But I’m very, very lucky to have parents who show my daughter they love me. Still, I will definitely get my own place when I can afford to do so in a manner that will give my daughter a good life. Because we ARE our own family, my daughter and I, and we need to have our own space to create our own traditions and routines and live our lives. We’ll always be close to my parents, who have done more for me than I can ever repay (and I’ll be repaying them 1 day, too when I can.) Just like their married offspring, I’ll come and go often, giving us all plenty of time together, and still have my own home to return to and avoid these little “battles.”
I would suggest this woman let her parents know that their generosity is much appreciated, but their behavior is a surefire way to get their beloved granddaughter to hate herself and maybe her mom and/or them 1 day. If they truly care about her, they’ll try to clean up their act. Whenever it is financially possible, though, this mom and her daughter must move out to move forward in their lives. The relationships between them all will also most likely benefit from living apart.
Living with your parents is never a good idea. there is so much help out there for single mothers to avoid living with their parents. There is assistance for housing, for food, for childcare. It takes a lot of footwork, but it can be done. You have to suck up your pride, and ask for assistance. Do whatever you have to do to NOT live with your parents.
Twitter @ miss_sammyk
I had this kind of problem when I was pregnant with my son. My mother was very upset over the fact that I had gotten pregnant and I felt very anxious to share any information about my pregnancy with her or my father. It was not a comfortable conversation, even when she was in the labor and delivery class with me. Now that my son is 5 months old, things are going well. I would say that in her situation, she definitely needs to sit down with her parents and tell them how their negative attitude towards her is effecting the way that she feels about them and effecting the way that her daughter will be raised simply by hearing those negative conversations. As nice as it is to live with your parents, with the support and the love, it can also take a huge toll on the relationships that you have with them. If she can move out, perhaps she should. If not, she needs to set very clear boundaries with her parents about the conversations that they have with her, especially in front of her daughter who can understand what they are saying and who is bound, at the age of four, to ask what those words mean.
Twitter @ http://365daysofhearingwordpress.com
I may not have had the same exact situation~ but somewhat similar. When my ex-husband put me down in front of my wee baby and his daughter~ I knew right away it was time for me to go~ because I didn’t want my daughter to think that it was normal.
So, I agree with ChopperPoppa and Amanda~ as difficult as it may be, it’s time for you to be on your own~ hold your head up high, if you fall down~ simply get up and dust yourself off~ and try again. It was very difficult for several years for me~ I lived in a small one room apartment that faced the alley, was broke as hell, worried about money, lived off of beans and rice~ and 8 years later, I’m a homeowner who is financially stable. People who meet me today would never believe the poverty I went through. I wanted a better life for my girl~ I wanted her to see what it means to persevere and never give up.
So, momma~ pack up your bags and as Rachel Sarah used to remind us: We, single mothers, get to call all the shots~ go for it!!!!
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
It’s time to cut the apron strings and define the boundaries you want. Your parents can be GRANDPARENTS without losing their position with your daughter or being cut out. My parents and my ex in-laws are incredibly doting grandparents and my kids adore them….and I don’t have to sacrifice my parental boundaries for that. Neither do you.
This might mean stepping away from their financial support for a while. It sounds like you’ll have to define your boundaries and stick with them yourself. You can’t make other people (especially other grown ups) do what you want. So this is a choice you’ll have to make, enforce, and stick to.
It might create some growing pains but in the end, you’ll probably be glad you were proactive.
Twitter @ http://www.creditdonkey.com
I believe she needs to live independently from her parents. It will be hard at first but then she will be teaching her daughter the values she thinks are important without interference from the parents. Courage, strength and will power are what it will take for her to make the break to freedom.
Forget mom and her fighting with dad for a minute?
What about the small child and her feelings for her grandmother and grandfather?
I’m concerned by some of the comments about getting out from under thier thumb and getting out as sooon as you can. If this were a divorcing couple rather than grandparents we would be all about the effects of seperation on the child.
FOR THIS CHILD MOVING AWAY FROM OR BREAKING BONDS WITH HER GRANDPARENTS COULD HAVE SAME EFFECTS AS A PARENTAL DIVORCE. IN FACT CUTTING THEM OUT ALL TOGETHER COULD BE WORSE.
I’m not trying to yell just make that stand out since I know I’m long winded.
My parents live down the street and my mom might be what you call a helicoptor parent. While she doesn’t call me names she regularly over steps her bounds (When I first moved into my house, long before my son came along, I once came home to find her cooking in my kitchen and my stepfather watching a ball game, she told me she just wanted to try out my kitchen and enjoy my view since I live on the beach. I cringed then reminded myself the good here, I wouldn’t have to cook!) Sometimes she makes me crazy! but the reality is that after my ex and I split up she did step in and help A LOT and I have to take the good with the bad. My son loves her and charishes his relationship with her. It makes me cringe when she says it (and if you tell her I know it is true I will deny it) but she is like the other parent (My ex moved out of state shortly after our slit so he really only visits my sone a couple times a year). Kids deserve at least two adults who are looking out for them. I know when I’m grumpy or something is going on at work my son loves that he can call grandma and ask to go over to her house for a little while. That is a challenge in a single parent household when you are mad at one parent or they aren’t able to give you all the attention you want you don’t have that other parent who you can seek out. For this child the grandparents can fill that need and void in many ways.
Of course calling your daughter a slut in front of your granddaughter is not OK. Instead of breaking down the family try to build it up.
ASK YOUR PARENTS TO GO WITH YOU TO FAMILY COUNSELING OR A REALTIONSHIP COACH
(I like coaches better because they are more results oriented but they are more expensive because they are not covered by insurance and rarely have sliding fee scales. If you get a counslor look for someone who has more of a behaviorist approach)
INSTITUTE AN ADULT FAMILY MEETING. find times to dicuss issues with your parent when your daughter isn’t around.
LET YOUR DAUGHTER VISIT WITH THE GRANDPARENTS WHEN YOU ARE NOT THERE. Find excuses to get out of the way I use the grocery store as a frequent excuse.
SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR PARENTS WHEN YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANYTHING OUT OF IT. Go over and make them dinner if you get out of work early sometime. Or ask your mom to go shopping.
EXAMINE YOUR ROLE. ARE THERE THINGS YOUR PARENTS WANT YOU TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU ARE NOT GIVING THEM? is there anything you can do or imporve yourself that will also improve the relationship. There are obviously my examples yours might be differnt. I put on a lot of weight when my son was a baby. My mom was struggling with her weight after going through medopause. We were always fighting about my weight. Losing weight really was in my best interest for my health and well being. So I decided to really focus on that. Another thing my mom hates is I am not as organized as her (She is type A analytical and I’m more a creative). When she gets on me about that I point out how hard I am working on my weight and that that is really my focus now because it is important for my health. It usually takes the steam out of her pressue on the other issue. I also did buy some pretty baskets. I throw all my paperwork from the diningroom table into the basket when she comes over. I know that when she walks in and sees my messy dinningroom table it brings her back to fights about cleaning my room when I was a teenage because no matter how old I am she still sees her little girl. It is like managing up at work. You have to use those same skills with your parents. Look at there priorilty list and your priority list and hit the top item or two off each list. Then remind them of what you are accomplishing that is a priotity for them. When I’m just not up for it in my head remind myself my parents are no longer the rule of the land just more expereinced parents with an opinion that I can choose to accept or reject.
PS when you believe you have control you don’t have to fight for control or break for freedom. You can graciously smile say thank you and move on about your day and your life as you choose.
Show your daughter through your own actions how to treat people. If grandpa is a name caller don’t engage him in the behavior and simply in a polite manner excuse yourself and your daughter from the situation. Fighting fire with fire might feel good at the time but grace (and water) will leave you ultimately more successful.
I agree with ChopperPappa! I am a single mom, too. If the mom moves from the parents and take the life on her own, it won’t be discussions about money dependence, the grandparents maybe will give some money for the girl, but not as much as now. They will respect you more seeing you do things well on your own. Not living with them it may make them to miss both of you more and your meetings to be delightful.
It depends on you if you chose the confort zone at your parents ot the well growth of your daughter!
Succes!
Grandparents can be damaging to their grand children of single moms mine where,they spoil them amd will not listen to the mom who does not think it is healthy.My 31 year daughter is spoiled from grand parents since birth still gets money all the time when she needs it can not hold a steady job why shoould she when they dish out money who would she is over depend on them in many ways and treats them like they are her parents the roles are unhealthy but of course they do not want to listen who am I the awful single mom who could not give her all material things she desired but they did she will have to grow up when they pass on and learn a different way of life to make it on her own and can not wait to see the day the happens after of course all money left to her is spent sad storie to a point