When the bio-dad is your lover – and you’re married
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Relationships
Just in case you’re new here: our Singlemommyhood community embraces everyone – married, single, or anything in between. We share what’s really going on in our lives. We count on one another to listen – and unselfishly share heart felt advice. So, when a married mom contacted us with a terrible dilemma, we took a deep breath – and rushed to share her situation with you.
Here’s what this married mom told us:
“I’ve searched for a safe and supportive forum to discuss my very personal dilemma,” she began. “I’ve been married for twenty years. My son is twelve years-old – and my husband is not his biological father.”
This mom has been involved with a family friend – on and off – for many years. This lover is her son’s bio-dad. He knows this truth – and both of them have agreed to keep the truth secret. Of course, this secret grows more burdensome every day. As her son matures, he more closely resembles his bio-dad in appearance and mannerisms. It’s possible that her son may figure out the truth. Her husband – she doesn’t want a divorce – also can’t fail to notice the physical resemblance.
Ideally, she’d like to make the choice that would hurt her son, husband, and lover the least. She concedes that her lover has the least to lose. After all, he already knows that he’s the bio-dad. He does stand to lose her – if she decides their relationship must end.
So, it’s time for this mom to make life changing decisions. And she needs your “tough love” advice:
Do you believe her son has the right to know his biological father’s true identity?
If so, how does this mom start to reveal this stunning truth?
Is there any way for this mom to lessen the inevitable emotional devastation her son and husband will suffer?
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Photo via Flickr: Angie017
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Twitter @ http://semanticallydriven.com
That is a really tough one. I think she should end the relationship with the bio-dad if she’s going to stay with her husband. I also think seeking some professional advice about what to do might not hurt. I think at some stage the son needs to know, especially as these ‘secrets’ seem to eventually come to light in the end. Good luck!
Twitter @ http://www.CafeSmom.com
I read once “nothing makes us feel more lonely than the secrets we keep” – anonymous. There are consequences for all of our decisions. She lives with the burden of this secret weighing heavily on her. Truth and love prevail. My humble advice would be to seek out wise and Godly counsel as to how she should tell her son and her husband. Truth always wins and at some point the truth will probably come out (blood tests, future illness, when son becomes a dad, etc…). Seems it will be less destructive if she brings the truth to light rather than having it revealed and then questioned about why…..
I will pray for this mom and her situation. I can feel in the words she writes the heaviness this brings to her heart and ultimately to her home.
Im curious WHY the bio-dad is willing to keep this a secret? Why has this woman maintained an affair for all these years with a man who is not her husband? It seems she is living a lie in more ways than one. No one wins in this situation. “oh what a tangled web we weave….” It would seem to me, whether she comes clean today, tomorrow, or ten years from now, everyone involved will be hurt by this betrayal. There simply is not a good time to tell everyone at this point. The right time would have been 13 years ago, before this little boy was born. I would think the longer she keeps this a secret, the more hurt everyone will be in the end. What a sad story! Good luck!
Twitter @ singlemombooks
Mom, have you thought about finding a trusted advisor — coach or therapist — who can help you uncover your why behind your what? Why are you choosing the behavior, what is your secondary gain, and what do you truly want in your life? Once you discover your driving forces and the patterns that are directing you, you’ll be able to make a clear decision about what to do next.
The answer lies in that process, and only you can make the decision and take the path that is right for you and your son. Your lover and husband are grown-ups, so (in my opinion) your first and foremost concern should be that of your son. He is a child and what is being modeled, told, and shown is what will show up in the rest of his life, and in the lives of his children and grandchildren.
My heart goes out to you, and I commend your courage in speaking up. Best wishes.
Twitter @ http://hereivelanded.blogspot.com
Secrets never stay secret. I see it this way…….every single day you keep this secret is that much more pain you add to whats going to happen.
The truth is that it’s incredibly selfish to keep the secret. It’s completely unfair and unloving not give your husband the choice to stay with you or not. And that’s just going to be the consequences of your action…….he might chose to leave you. And I feel like you need to accept that, or whatever else may happen.
IMHO telling shouldn’t be an option or not. You have to tell. If it were me, I’d think about getting into couples counseling or at least getting that lined up. Then tell your husband. And you guys can make the choice of how and when to tell your son from there.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
@Singlemombooks has an excellent suggestion.
We also don’t know what this mom’s relationship is with her husband, or if she has clues that he may know already. (If she’s carried on an affair for 12+ years with a family friend, it would be surprising if he doesn’t, even if he blocks the reality.)
Professional guidance seems like a good plan, if she has any hope of revealing this paternity to her son in the most gentle way, and allowing him to establish balance in his new identity, including in the different role with the only Dad he’s ever known.
As for the adults? To me, their welfare is secondary, but they’re certainly going to need help and understanding. All of them.
I wish everyone well in this difficult situation.
Twitter @ http://www.parentinganddating.com
Clo – You are correct. Secrets never stay a secret (well at least of this magnitude). But we have to ask ourselves, HOW many lies were told throughout the course of 12 years? How many times did these two individuals have the chance to do what is right? How many family outings, intimate family moments, family pictures, holidays, student teacher meetings, etc. went by with lies? Thousands of lies were said over the years. Thousands. And who was being protected? These people were not protecting their spouses from the truth. They were protecting themselves from the truth being revealed about them. What troubles me is that in today’s society, people can commit the most selfish, and hurtful acts, and expect tolerance, understanding, and support. My heart goes out to this woman’s husband who will learn that those special moments at the hospital when his kid was born, were tainted by a dark secret that went on for many years. I HOPE he will still love this child. I hope the child can still see this man as his father. I hope as a father/son they will continue to grow and maybe, just maybe, this news will bring them closer. I hope.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Ok, so I’ve read the post and most of the articles. Where exactly does the ‘truth’ fit into all of this? The woman, candidly, has lived a lie for the past 12 years. She has lied to her husband and her son. The two people who should be able to count on her the most. Yet she is looking for what seems to be as an easiest way out?!?!?!
There is no way to lessen the emotional devastation that she will, through her own actions, inflict on these two people. And what’s worse she is in love with another man, but she doesn’t want a divorce?!?!? Is she only interested in protecting her self interests?
I know this is a harsh response but everyone knows the backlash that would occur if instead of it being a mom, it was a father keeping that kind of lie. Everything from murder for hire to having him arrested and sentenced to death would be the cry.
I’m afraid this woman will find no peace until she confesses to those she’s hurt. There is no action without consequences and if she ever wants to salvage a future with her son she needs to admit up to her faults now! The longer she waits the more damage she is going to inflict, aside from what she is already destined to do.
And God help the father for what he’s about to endure. As a father myself I honestly don’t know how I would respond to know that i’ve been misled so heinously for so long by someone who claimed to love me.
I pray for the son and father in this and pray this mother will come to her senses. As far as the lover is concerned. I don’t know what to say about that person.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
Certainly this is a tough situation, but there really is only one way to go and it involves three steps (and many posters above have discussed these steps).
(1) Mom *NEEDS* to seek counseling. This is serious, and her actions (and CONTINUED actions) are effecting the people she loves. Seek therapy to address why this has occurred and how she can stop it (and help those she loves).
(2) If Mom truly wants to stay with Husband, she *MUST* end the relationship with Bio-Dad NOW. No questions, no if/and/buts, end it now.
(3) Mom *MUST* tell the truth to Husband and Son. Honesty and Trust are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship and she has SERIOUSLY breached their trust. What if Bio-Dad decides to squeal and her Husband/Son find out from HIM!?! There are also genetic factors in that it is beneficial for your Son to know what genetic/family health issues he may be facing. Further, she must do this for HER. She needs to come clean to have any healthy relationship with her Son/Husband. While this *MAY* end up destroying her marriage, it’s a risk that she MUST take — because without this truth, she doesn’t really have a complete marriage anyway.
What outcome does this mom seek?
If she is in love with the bio-dad, and they want to be together, things need to be handled respectfully and with kindness regarding ending the marriage, with her husband. Her husband is going to be hurt and humiliated by this news.
If she wants to try to salvage the marriage, she needs to confess the truth to her husband, make a complete break from the bio-dad (but bio-dad will be entitled to visitation, so there will still be some form of contact…making things awkward for the husband! UGH!) and if he is willing, seek couples counseling to start on the journey of repairing their marriage.
It doesn’t sound like there’s an easy way out. I wouldn’t be seeking the easy way out. I would be focusing on the right way out. There are so many complicating factors: husbands feelings, sons feelings, the bio-dads feelings, and the moms feelings.
Mom needs to start living her life with accountability, integrity and honesty, because our actions impact others, negativitely and positively.
Will pray this situation improves, and everyone has the strength to get through this difficult situation!
Twitter @ snglparents
My first question is does the husband know the boys father separately? Such as in friend, relative, etc… My second question is why now? Because its becoming imminently clear the boy has no resemblance? If this were not the case would this even be an issue now? She is caught in a trap…. lose the lover and risk the truth exposed in her belying, lose the husband and risk his feelings based on betrayal and lies. Suggestion: lose the lover and expose the truth herself. Perhaps the worse thing for a man to endure next to losing a child would be discovering your only son and child is from another man…. then pile on hes still around? If hes man enough he’ll embrace it for the childs sake. The only way to lessen the burden is openness; bare the brunt of the consequences now and spare the husband his dignity. If this were from a one time affair and the bio dad was long gone then this would be different and the husband may be more forgiving. Better to come forward now than later.
This boy’s biological parents have really messed up. Honesty is a must for the husband and the boy. The mother needs to pick one man and commit to him. Now that the bio father has chosen not to be the boy’s dad, I doubt it will go over well for him no matter what the mother decides. Keeping this lie and an affair going on won’t last forever. The truth will come eventually. The longer it’s hidden, the worse it will be on the boy and the husband, and the wife.
Wow this hits home because I have an aunt and a cousin who were in the similar situation. My aunt’s husband is not my cousin’s biological father. My cousin’s bio-father was a family friend and my aunt tried to keep it a secret for almost thirty years and I said tried because people started noticing the resemblance and wondering if my aunt had an affair. Long story short my cousin when she was almost thirty — she had doubts for many years — figured out through blood types that her “dad” wasn’t her bio-father. It was devastating for the whole family especially for my cousin who hasn’t spoken to her mother for many years after that event. This is very sand and I agree with the posters that mom needs to get counseling and based on the fact that there is a real possibility of the son figuring out by himself that he has been lied to, I think she should start looking for a way, maybe through counseling, to tell her son the truth the sooner the better.
Twitter @ only1golda
Either way you cut it, this is messed up. This mom has a marriage that’s based on a lie. Her husband and son deserve to know the truth…as difficult as it’s going to be to share. The longer this secret is kept the more damage is done. She may be afraid of the consequences; however, anything but being honest reveals her selfishness.
Twitter @ social_ally
Whatever happened with this momma? Did she figure it out?
its also important for her son to know for health reasons.
What about if this mother was mentally unstable? I know a mother who was mentally unstable, she found out that her husband cant have children but she loved him so much that she went all out and got pregnant four times with four different men to please the husband who knew the truth but they never discussed it. This mother is divorced and has been healed. The ex husband has poisoned the grown up children’s minds against their mother so she will be cut off completely, and they believe him. Before the divorce he wanted to pay her off so she could get lost but she refused. She is thinking about telling her children the truth but doesn’t want to hurt them at all, and besides it might even push them further away from her since they’ve been brainwashed against her. What should this poor woman do?
She should quit worrying about the consequences of her actions and tell her son the truth. Every child deserves to know the truth and he can decode if he wants to pursue a relationship with this man. Yes hubby will be hurt too but he can also make his own decision whether he wants to stay or leave. Hopefully they will all get counseling and hubby will want his son to remain in his life. My Mom died carrying this secret and now I am stuck at age 50 with the fact that I may never know who my bio-dad is. It isn’t fair to the innocent in these matters. I have been cheated out of any relationship I could have had with the man I know I resemble because I have blonde hair and blue eyes and my Dad and sisters are mexican.